Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Your Team Sucks

How do you know your professional sports team is awful? As a Kansas City Chiefs fan, let me tell you.

You know your team is awful when they sign somebody else’s backup quarterback to be their new starter and everyone is excited. When everyone heard that New England had traded us Matt Cassel and Mike Vrabel for only a second round pick we thought “What a deal! Is New England crazy?” Maybe New England was doing us a favor because our new coach and general manager are buddies with Mr. Hoodie-wearing grumpy pants, Bill Belichick. Or maybe that was the best offer they could find. Either way, we were thrilled. Our lowly team that only won two games last year was trying to get better, and we just might have fleeced the football dynasty of this decade.

So consider me as one of those who was pretty enthused when I heard about the Matt Cassel deal--until I saw his picture. He is just so darn . . . cute. But not Tom Brady cute, more like Zac Efron cute. Not really the look you want to strike fear into the hearts of the opposing defense.

This tough guy?

Or this tough guy?

So now I’m dubious, at best. But it could be worse. At least my team isn’t getting ready to waste another in a long line of horrible draft picks on this guy from Georgia.

That’s Matthew Stafford, who will likely be drafted by the even-lowlier-than-the Chiefs-record-holders-for-suckiness-oh-and-16 Detroit Lions, also known as Nat’s Team.

Look, Nat, your new Quarterback isn’t even strong enough to hoist a keg of Busch Light on his own!

That’s right, I said Busch Light!

So, going back to my opening question, I guess the real answer is: You know your team is awful when your team is the Detroit Lions.


Mike Bauman said...

A depressing thought: If you take the teams Chris, Nat, and I root for and add their wins together, as if they were a Chiefs-Lions-Bills super-team, that team still would not have made it into the AFC playoffs.

More depressing than AIDS, poverty, and the American steel industry.

Nat Topping said...

Thanks a ton Chris. Like my sports life wasn't shitty enough I need you around rubbing it in.

You know how you know your team is really bad? It's when your highest profile free agent signing is the 3rd receiver from the 49ers.

You know your team is bad when their greatest accomplishment that year was trading their best wide receiver for another first round pick in the draft.

I pray God they don't draft the QB first. I hope they pick a LB or OL or a freaking kicker. But least I know, now that Matt Millen is gone, there will be no wide receiver picked first.

And that, my friend, is progress. Sad, sad progress.

Sports rant out!