Watch Your Tongue

I was going to write a blog in the same type of style Chris did yesterday since my birthday is also this Saturday, but strangely there weren't any delightfully witty quotes about turning or being 31. So here are 31 things if said in casual conversation will cause at least a mild distress to those around you (in no particular order):

If I was Hitler, here's how I would have done it.

It doesn't get much better then Disney's The Rocketeer.

I own every episode of According to Jim on DVD.

If you forget the murders, a lot of what Charlie Manson was saying makes sense.

Do you think they planted watermelon in the Rose Garden?

All I'm saying is a woman's body is biologically ready to have babies at 13.

The only reason we don't eat dogs is because they are cute.

As terrible as it is, slavery is a smart idea and it made this country what it is today.

Has anyone seen the other half of this scab?

Is it a problem when one of your testicles has swollen up to twice the size of your other two?

I wouldn't fuck my dad for less then a million.

With the economy the way it is I can't help but be niggardly.

I like my women like I like my scotch; 14 years old and smooth.

If God wanted men to have sex with each other he would have connected a uterus to the large intestine.

I've seen Faces of Death 32 times.

I kind of like the taste of urine.

Sheep have the most human-like vagina.

Unfortunately the term "It is better to ask forgiveness than permission" does not apply to sex.

I have been to the circus in a coon's age.

If you stab someone in the lungs they aren't able to scream.

The first thing I had to do was make a fagot and light it on fire.

That cunt Rachael Ray is a real cunt-faced cunt burger.

A hole is a hole.

Washing your hands creates more germs then it destroys.

Nice shoes, wanna fuck?

In order of hotness; Annie, then Shirley Temple, then Little Lulu.

Jesus Christ your skin looks delicious.

The problem with HDTV is you can see every pimple and cut and scrape so it does make it a little harder to masturbate sometimes.

Look, we've all tasted our own sex fluids at some point.

There are at least two people here I have had hardcore fantasies about.

Of course I don't wear a condom. You can pretty much live with any STD nowadays, and why do you think abortion was invented?


That's 31. Here are some extras a friend of mine suggested:

I was thinking about that while I was beating my dog.

The last two abortions went very smoothly, so I don't think I will have any issues with this one.

When I am cheating on my husband I keep thinking of you.

Hanne Hiob, Rest in Peace

All this talk about Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon. It's a shame when the death of someone truly great and influential like Hanne Hiob famous for her role as Ulla Denger in 1960's "Die Nachbarskinder" (opposite the dashing Hans Elwenspoek) is overshadowed by the death of people who just happen to be more famous than herself.

The daughter of writer Bertolt Brecht and opera singer and actress Marianne Zoff, Hanne hid from the glitterati rather than throw herself in its spotlight as did these other three deadbeat-its. Instead, she devoted herself to pacifist political activism... oh...

You know what? I thought it'd be funny to complain about the death of some actor I'd never heard of being "overshadowed" by someone else's death, when I wouldn't have heard about his/her death even if literally nothing happened all day long, but as I'm researching Hanne Hiob, I'm realizing that I actually should be annoyed that her death didn't spark much news. I like her. She received the Aachen Peace Prize the same year as Father Roy Bourgeois, who I also admire for his steadfast annual protests at the School of the Americas (WHINSEC).

RvD should offer to perform at this year's protest. Would there be anything appropriate we could actually do there? Whaddya say, gang? Aside from being for a good cause, it's an opportunity to get up-close and personal with Martin Sheen, The Indigo Girls, and giant, creepy, nightmare-inducing puppets--something for everyone!

Okay, so this blog entry didn't go at all where I thought it would. Sort of like my recent sketch about a flea circus. I guess that's what freewriting is all about.

I stand by the original intent of this blog entry. I think if I'd picked someone equally obscurely famous as Hanne Hiob, and that person did NOT live as noble a life, my original concept would have really worked and right now you'd be feeling immensely satisfied and full, as you do at the end of any good blog entry.

Below, a giant creepy puppet tramples a group of protesters using techniques learned and cultivated at the School of the Americas (WHINSEC).