Look - It's a New Show!

For Immediate Release

Press Contact: Nat Topping, Robot vs. Dinosaur @ 734-657-8582, nat.topping@gmail.com

Box Office Contact: Donny’s Skybox @ (312) 337-3992 or Second City Website

Robot vs. Dinosaur Presents:

Wait Wait…Don’t Kill Me!

Opening: July 27th
Closing: August 24th
Days and Times: Fridays, 9 p.m.
Location: Donny’s Skybox
4th Floor, Piper’s Alley
1616 N. Well Avenue
Chicago, IL 60614

Ticket Price: $13 general admission ($10 students)

A Comedy Revue That Kills. On Stage and Off.

Robot vs. Dinosaur’s spooky sketch show guarantees you’ll die laughing.

CHICAGO, IL – (July 2, 2012) Autumn has long been the king when it comes to spooky sketch shows, but this summer Robot vs. Dinosaur unhinges October’s monopoly with the opening of a new horror-themed show, Wait Wait…Don’t Kill Me! Directed by RvD ensemble member Susie Gutowski, the show is haunted by those things that go bump in the night: witches, ghosts, and West Coast rappers.

The show steers clear of many of the tropes of Halloween-themed sketch shows. Gutowski says, “Werewolves and vampires have been exhausted by pop culture. Our scenes take a broader look at what’s scary. A train that steals babies and turns them into adults. A first date at a couple’s cooking class for witches. A stalker who finally traps the heart of his true love.”

She concedes, “We have one zombie apocalypse scene, but even that has more to do with the rules of Southern hospitality than the un-dead.”

The 45-minute show is hosted by a Vincent Price-type character called Uncle Trevor (Nat Topping) who seems in a constant battle to one-up himself with puns and maniacal laughter. “We loved the campiness of the host in the Tales from the Crypt TV series and wanted to infuse the show with those over-the-top characters,” explains Gutowski.

Wait Wait…Don’t Kill Me! also features the spine-chilling musical composition of guest artist Mike Malarkey, whose professional credits include “Lay You Down” by Tyga featuring Lil Wayne and “This is Like” by Tyga featuring Robin Thicke. Malarkey scores the show’s opening song and a rap that details how R.L. Stine’s Goosebumps books are the new aphrodisiac. The hip hop beat has an eerie organ sound overlaid with wolf howl hooks and thunderclap beats.

The show honors its pop-horror roots until the very last minute; the Scooby Doo ending will rejuvenate your love for live theater. Or should we say… DEAD theater?

More about Robot vs. Dinosaur: For 6 years, Robot vs. Dinosaur has assembled such quality shows as “Are You There God? It’s Me, Satan” (Gorilla Tango), “Mrs. Gruber’s Ding Dong School” (Gorilla Tango), and “The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent, etc.” (Neo-Futurists, Stage 773). The group has made appearances at Chicago Sketchfest the past 6 years and continues to delight audiences with creative, thematic sketch shows. Robot vs. Dinosaur consists of writers Rammel Chan, Susie Gutowski, Joe Janes, Rebecca Levine, Chris Othic, Nat Topping and Greg Wendling. Visit http://www.rvdchicago.blogspot.com/ for more information, or find them on Facebook.

##END##

St. Drunken's Day is Almost Here!

Robot vs. Dinosaur presents...

The 2nd Annual St. Drunken’s Day!
A Holiday for the Drunken Masses 

The 2012 celebration features: 

* St. Drunken’s Day pageant with songs and miracles 

* Drinking games such as beer pong & beer plinko 

* A silent auction with one-of-a-kind St. Drunken’s Day artwork 

* Raffle with prizes you'd actually want 

* Get your photo on St. Drunken's lap 

* Excessive amounts of beer 

The Details: 

What: St. Drunken’s Day! 

When: Saturday, April 21, 2012 from 7 p.m. to 10 p.m. 

Where: 3036 North Lincoln Avenue, #2 

Tickets: $20 in advance, $25 at the door (leave a comment or see any member of RvD) 

** Doors open at 7. The St. Drunken's pageant with sketches and songs starts at 8 p.m.** 

About St. Drunken: St. Drunken is the world’s mostly forgotten patron saint of drunks, inebriates, drinkers, imbibers and people who like to have fun. He is responsible for finding arbitrary reasons for people to get together, enjoy each other’s company, shake off the weight of the world, and drink alcohol (usually to excess). 

All proceeds will go to help fund future RvD shows, not to buy beer for RvD. 

Please be merry and gay with us, Robot vs. Dinosaur
(Rammel, Becca, Susie, Joe, Greg, Geoff, Nat, and Chris) 

 **(You must be 21 to attend St. Drunken’s Day.)**

New Show: Pretty From A Distance

RvD has a new show coming up very soon! It opens on Friday, March 21st! See below for more information!

(And mark your calendars for our annual St. Drunken's Day pageant and fundraiser on April 21, 2012. More info on that soon!)

Look, pretty picture and press release! (This post has been flagged for excessive use of exclamation points!!!)



For Immediate Release

Press Contact: Nat Topping, Robot vs. Dinosaur @ 734-657-8582, nat.topping@gmail.com
Audience Contact: Luna Central @ 773-819-5862, info@teatroluna.org

Robot vs. Dinosaur Presents:

PRETTY FROM A DISTANCE

Opening: March 23rd
Closing: April 7th
Days and Times: Fridays and Saturdays, 7:30pm
Location: Luna Central
3914 N Clark St
Chicago, IL

Ticket Price: $15

Contact the Luna Central box office at 773-819-5862 or at teatroluna.org

CHICAGO, IL – (March 5, 2012) Like the Horsehead Nebula poised over Orion’s nether-regions, Robot vs. Dinosaur’s latest sketch show, Pretty from a Distance, is a beacon to souls lost in the universe. Directed by RvD veteran Chris Othic, the show addresses big questions about our place in the universe and the rituals of life. The subject matter may be heavy, but non-stop laughs inspire guests to leave the theater chanting "Not insignificant, but insignif-I-CAN!"

Whether gazing at the stars or rooting through the garbage, Pretty from a Distance explores all the things that make us who we are: our hopes, our fears, the things that make us laugh and the things we’ve learned to love. It’s chock full of absurdity and hilarious one-liners, but it’s got more heart than your average sketch show.

Othic explains, “We’re a writer-centric sketch group, meaning unlike the Second City style, we start with a script instead of improvisation. In the end, it yields more play-like scenes. The words are more intentional, the relationships are deeper and the laughs have a bigger pay off.”

“There aren’t any Whoopie cushions or MAGNUM condoms on our prop list. The show has a lot of heart. It’s sweet and, at times, nostalgic. But mostly it’s downright absurd.” Perhaps he’s referring to a scene in which a woman attempts to be the most “green” by trading in her dust-buster for a howler monkey.

A forty-five minute “teaser” of the show premiered in front of a packed house at the 2012 Chicago Sketchfest at Stage 773. Now expanded to a full 75-minute show, Pretty from a Distance serves as a treat to viewers who love sketch and grounded scene work, a rare occurrence in Chicago’s standard sketch scene. Catch a shooting star Fridays and Saturdays, March 23 – April 7 at 7:30pm. Luna Central is located at 3914 N Clark St (just south of Irving Park). Tickets are $15.

More about Robot vs. Dinosaur: For 6 years, Robot vs Dinosaur has assembled such quality shows as “Are You There God? It’s Me, Satan” (Gorilla Tango), “Mrs. Gruber’s Ding Dong School” (Gorilla Tango), and “The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent, etc.” (Neo-Futurists, Stage 773). The group has made appearances at Chicago Sketchfest the past 6 years and continues to delight audiences with creative, thematic sketch shows. Robot vs. Dinosaur consists of writers Rammel Chan, Susie Gutowski, Joe Janes, Rebecca Levine, Chris Othic, Nat Topping and Greg Wendling. Visit www.rvdchicago.blogspot.com for more information, or find them on Facebook.

##END##

RvD Fundraiser - It's St. Drunken's Day!

Robot vs. Dinosaur invites you to attend a fundraiser celebrating: St. Drunken’s Day! A Holiday for the Drunken Masses

The event will feature the first-ever St. Drunken’s Day pageant, drinking games, drinking songs, a raffle for fun drinking (and non-drinking) related prizes, a silent auction of one-of-a-kind St. Drunken’s Day artwork and a host of other fun activities including a goodly amount of a certain beverage made from hops and barley.

The Details:

What: St. Drunken’s Day Celebration When: Saturday, April 16, 2011 from 7 p.m. to 10 p.m. Where: 3036 North Lincoln Avenue, #2 Tickets: $20 in advance, $25 at the door (this event is capped so purchase your tickets early--don’t get left out of the celebration!)

To purchase tickets see any member of RvD.

You must be 21 to attend St. Drunken’s Day.

About St. Drunken: St. Drunken is the world’s mostly forgotten patron saint of drunks, inebriates, drinkers, imbibers and people who like to have fun. He is responsible for finding arbitrary reasons for people to get together, enjoy each other’s company, shake off the weight of the world, and drink alcohol (usually to excess).

All proceeds will go to help fund future RvD shows, not to buy beer for RvD. Mostly.

Don't Ask, Do Tell

In the spirit of the repeal of the infamous (and stupid) "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, I thought I would share a scene I wrote clear back in 2003 when I was a student in the Second City Conservatory Writing Progam.

I just want to say that Obama has knocked another one out of the park. If only Gomer Pyle were still around to enjoy this. And I can't wait to see what happens to the Beetle Bailey comics now.

Enjoy!

Chris Othic
“GAY FOXHOLE”
February 26, 2003 (Version #2)
CAST
JOE – 30’s
BILLY – 30’s
SARGE – 40’s

(A foxhole in Afghanistan)

JOE
That was Sergeant Wiggams on the radio. He says we need to lock and load. Those bastards are coming our way.

BILLY
Oh God, no. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die in this hellhole. I have everything to live for.

JOE
Well, then you better start shooting. Here they come!

(They both start shooting like crazy.)

BILLY
Joe, there’s something a need to tell you.

JOE
Die you bastards!

BILLY
There’s something I just have to get off my chest. (fires frantically) I’m, I’m gay.

JOE
You need a grenade?

BILLY
No, I said I’m gay. I’m a homosexual.

JOE
(laughs) That’s a good one, Billy. Don’t let the war ruin your sense of humor.

BILLY
No, really I am. And I just want everyone to know it before I die.

JOE
I don’t believe it.

BILLY
It’s true. I wear flip-flops every chance I get.

JOE
If you’re gay then I’m gay.

BILLY
And I love show tunes!

JOE
You’re killing me, Billy-boy!

BILLY
Really, I do. I love them more than Rosie O’Donnell. Oklahoma, Guys and Dolls, La Cage Au Fox. I even like opera.

JOE
That don’t mean your gay. You just have bad taste in music. Hell, I like disco but I don’t like di--

(A grenade lands in their foxhole)

JOE
Grenade!

(JOE grabs the grenade and throws it out of the foxhole.)

JOE
Whew! That was close. No more gay talk.

(Sgt. Wiggams comes crawling up to the foxhole.)

SGT. WIGGAMS
How you fellows holding out? It’s a goddamn hornet’s nest out here!

JOE
We’re hanging in there Sarge. Hard Core!

BILLY
Sergeant Wiggams. I told Joe I’m coming out of the closet.

SGT. WIGGAMS
What the hell are you talking about, soldier?

JOE
He thinks he’s gay Sarge. He likes show tunes.

BILLY
That’s right, and if I die here today, I want you to tell my parents that I died a gay man. Today is my coming out day and I want everyone to know. As a matter of fact (shouting) hey Talibans, I’m gay!

SGT. WIGGAMS
Stop saying that, damn it! I don’t think you want to open this can of worms. Remember the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy?

BILLY
But what about be all you can be? I want to be as gay as I can be! I love the penis!

SGT. WIGGAMS
I order you to not be gay!

BILLY
I’m sorry, Sergeant. I’m tired of living this lie, and I want everyone to know, if I should die today, that I’m wearing panties.

SGT. WIGGAMS
Soldier, I’m warning you!

BILLY
And a bra.

SARGE
Stop it!

BILLY
As a matter of fact (shouting) hey Talibans, I’m wearing panties and a bra. It’s a matching set I got from Target.

JOE
You know, Billy, honestly, I hate to smear your queerness, but, that’s really just a fetish, you know. Lot’s of guys wear women’s clothing that are perfectly heterosexual.

BILLY
Not me. I wear them because—(shouting)—I’M GAY.

SGT. WIGGAMS
If you continue in this manner I will shoot you myself.

BILLY
Sarge, come on. Stop playing dumb. What about me and you?

SARGE
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

BILLY
I’m tired of all the hiding and sneaking around behind everybody’s backs. Tell Joe that we’ve been lovers for the last three months.

JOE
What?

BILLY
That’s right, Sarge and I are lovers. And I don’t care who find’s out. As a matter of fact (shouting) hey Talibans, Sarge and I have been doing it regularly for the last three months!

SGT. WIGGAMS
Stop saying that! We are not lovers.

JOE
You know Billy, I hate to rain on your little gay pride parade, but, uh, that’s just part of the survival training.

BILLY
The what?

JOE
Yeah, the survival training. He’s been porking the whole platoon for a long time now, myself included. And I’m definitely not gay. Good training though.

BILLY
Oh, god, Sarge. You two-timing bastard.

JOE
Actually, it would have been more than just two. There’s a lot of us, you know. So I guess you’re still not gay, you’re just well trained like the rest of us.

(We hear the whistle of an artillery round)

SGT. WIGGAMS
Incoming!

(Explosion. BILLY is hit.)

BILLY
I’m hit. Oh god, I’m gonna die.

JOE
Yeah, that’s a bad one.

SGT. WIGGAMS
I’m sorry soldier.

BILLY
Please, just tell them that I died in a gay manner, that I had an accident while decorating my foxhole or something. I don’t want people to know I died on a battlefield. It’s too stereotypically masculine. (BILLY reaches in and pulls out the letter.) And I want you to give this letter to my wife. It tells her that, well, that I’m gay.

JOE
Oh Billy, even facing death, such a kidder.

BILLY
Please, just do this one thing for a dying homo.

(Billy dies.)

SGT. WIGGAMS
Do you really think he was gay?

JOE
Hell no. If he was gay, he would’ve joined the Navy.

BLACKOUT

My Holiday Card To You

Below is a video I dug up of an old Teatro Bastardo Chicago Sketchfest appearance back in January of 2007. This was a scene I wrote on the timely subject of Christmas carols.

I hope it speaks for itself. Happy NSFW holidays.

Tribute

As most of you know, my father passed away last June after a battle with cancer. A few months before that, in March, my parents celebrated their 35th Wedding Anniversary. Because of crazy schedules and frequent trips back home to see him and my Mom during his illness, Mary and I couldn't make the date of anniversary party, so I decided to do a video and send it to the party.

Despite the quality of the video (I shot and edited it on some software made for kids--the Intel Play Kids Movie Editor) I'm pretty happy with it. I think I got my point across, and my parents loved it.

So this is for you Mom and Dad. With love. From me.

The Steering Wheel Desk

Posting has been slim around here, to say the least, but here is a little present for you. Just click the link below and start reading the comments on this amazing product. Don't forget to look at the customer images as well. You will not be disappointed.

I give you: The Steering Wheel Desk.
After you are done you should consider taking Oprah's No Phone Zone Pledge. Seriously.

I like to think I'm saving lives.

Press Release - Viking Women

For Immediate ReleasePress Contact: Nat Topping, Robot vs. Dinosaur, nat.topping@gmail.com, 734-657-8582
Audience Contact: Stage 773 @ 773-327-5252, info@stage773.com

Viking Vixens Search for Missing WarriorsRobot vs. Dinosaur’s mash-up of deliciously terrible B-movie and “Marat/Sade” takes audiences on hilarious voyage

CHICAGO, IL (September 14, 2010) ... You could call it a metatheatrical feast of love, lust, betrayal, loyalty, and the struggle of all human beings to overcome the suffering of being alive, or like the poster says, “A hilarious play based on a bad movie, with songs and scantily clad ladies, performed by lunatics.” It’s Robot vs. Dinosaur’s The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent (as Performed by the Inmates of the Asylum of Charenton under the Direction of the Great Sea Serpent). The show runs Fridays and Saturdays, September 24 - October 23 at 10:30 pm at Stage 773.

This comedic play reanimates Roger Corman’s 1957 babesploitation fantasy about Viking women in search of their men and mashes it together with the famous 1963 Peter Weiss play best known as Marat/Sade.

The production first appeared as part of this summer’s Neo-Futurists Film Festival, which typically features staged readings of deliciously bad movies. But this go-round at Stage 773 features even more madness than before. Joe Janes, director of the show and head honcho of Robot vs. Dinosaur added, “The great part of the new show is that we’re no longer beholden to the original film script, which is quite horrible and filled with long stretches of just people walking. We also added original music and material because the Great Sea Serpent demanded we beef up his part. He’s quite a diva.”

The Saga of the Viking Women… will challenge all of your preconceived notions of both asylum inmates and buxom berserkers. Catch it Fridays and Saturdays, September 24 - October 23 at 10:30 pm. Stage 773 is at 1225 W. Belmont (the former Theatre Building Chicago).Tickets $15. Call 773-327-5252 or http://www.stage773.org/.

More about Robot vs. Dinosaur: Robot vs. Dinosaur is a writer-centric group with a great deal of experience in the Chicago sketch comedy and improv scene. Their goal is to write and perform original comic material that is eclectic, dynamically staged and fun for audiences. Assembled by Joe Janes, the comic mind behind the 365 Sketches Project, Robot vs. Dinosaur consists of fellow writers Geoff Crump, Susie Gutowski, Rebecca Levine, Chris Othic, Nat Topping and Greg Wendling. More information can be found at http://www.rvdchicago.blogspot.com/.

Crap For Sale

So these items were posted For Sale at my work recently. I think the seller was really out of touch in regards to quality and price. Here is what they had, and my thoughts (in red).

Items for Sale

Books

Hardcover -- $5.00 each (okay, $5? Really? If this were a yard sale wouldn’t the going rate be about $1? So these are a 400% mark-up from garage sale prices? (Or maybe it’s 500%, I’m a writer, not a math scholar.)

Murder In Brentwood by Mark Fuhrman (If you don’t already know what happened during the OJ murders—mainly, that OJ murdered his wife—you can find out here. For $5.)

Michael Jackson Unmasked by Ian Halperin (I would pay $5 if Michael would put on a mask.)

The No Spin Zone by Bill O’Reilly (Sheesh.)

Who’s Looking Out For You by Bill O’Reilly (Double Sheesh.)

The Funny Thing Is by Ellen DeGeneres (Finally, a book I would read—no accounting for taste with me. But did you know that as I type this there are 9 available copies in the Chicago Public Library system? And one on audiobook.)

Paperback -- $3.00 each (Once again, I think the pricing is absurd.)

Love, Greg & Lauren by Greg Manning (I cannot in good conscience make fun of this book as it is about someone who was involved in 9/11 attacks (summary here), but would point out that there are 10 copies available in the CPL, none of which is currently checked out, and five or which are available in LARGE PRINT format.)

Culture Warrior by Bill O’Reilly (You know, I’m starting to form a profile of this person.)

Music and DVDs and VHS

CDs

George Strait – Somewhere Down In Texas (CD new, unopened) $8.00 (Hey, only $8 because it’s like, brand new, you know? Only you can get it on Amazon for 7.48, and USED – VERY GOOD for about $4.) (Or just click this link and listen to this for free.)

George Strait – Twang -- $6.00 (Must already be opened. Yep.)

DVD

World Trade Center (2 Disc Commemorative Edition) -- $10.00 (I’m kind of speechless that this is either the only DVD they own or the only one they wanted to get rid of.)

VHS (Okay, really, you think someone wants to buy your old VHS? I had a box of about 50 Disney movies – good stuff, too, like The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang – and nobody wanted them. I tried to give them to people with kids, for free, and they looked at me like I was selling them rat poison. I’m just sayin’. And none of these listed below is even in the same ballpark as The Fox and the Hound.)

The Thorn Birds (4 tape set in slip case of the popular mini-series based on novel by Colleen McCullough) $20.00 (Yipes! Priests having sex on VHS for $20? Sounds like really, really bad porn – from the ‘80s – when you say it like that. I like that they included the whole description of how it was a mini-series based on a novel, because it probably helps justify the price in their eyes. You think for only $5 more they throw in the Hardcover? Whattadeal!)

Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets (new, unopened) $8.00 (How this was purchased back in 2002? I imagine like this: “Hey guys, look, it’s the new Harry Potter movie on VHS! I can’t wait to get home and watch it in my VCR! I know it’s available on DVD, but come on, that will never catch on! VHS is here to stay! No, you say? Would it sweeten the deal if I offered up popcorn and a viewing of Lord of the Rings on Betamax?”)

The Ten Commandments (40th Anniversary Collector’s Edition, 2 VHS tape set in slip case) $20.00 (This seems like a great deal until you realize you can record this from AMC every Easter onto your own VHS tapes.)

If you are interested in any of these items, let me know and I will contact the seller. A $2 facility fee will be added on to each purchase.

Robert Blagojevich Celebrates Dropped Charges By Filming Cialis Commercial

So the charges against former governor (and hair model) Rod Blagojevich's brother, Robert, have been dropped. As this pictorial from the Chicago Sun-Times reveals, he celebrated by filming a Cialis commercial with his wife, Julie.

Here are just a few of the shots from the filming:

And here are a couple shots that probably won't make it into the commercial:

Emails I Received

Possibly Racist/Homophobic Random E-mail I received this week:

From: Billy (name has been changed to protect the guilty)

Subject: funny chinese guys

hey chris,

i can't explain why i thought of you while i was sitting in a meeting with the gayest, most insecure chinese banker on the planet last week, but, well, i thought of you. i think i imagined you working this character into a scene. he was a piece of work if ever there was a piece of work. he appologized incessantly for the most trivial little things. at one point he mis-wrote a digit in my contact number as he was filling-out an application. he proceeded to appologize as though he had just run down my mother in a car.

did i mention that he was really, really gay? that, too was funny because, well, gay guys are funny.

so there you have it. go to work. be gay and chinese. be so gay that people think your chinese because you're squinting so hard trying to be gay.

hope all is well,

Billy

****************************************

A Non-Racist Random E-mail I received this week:

From: My Aunt

Subject: Salmon Wars

Chris.....you forgot to add some chopped onions....I would have voted for your patties. Sorry Mary.

*****************************************

Favorite Email from a Former C0-worker Who Now Lives in Another State:

From: Ricardo (name has been changed to protect the innocent)

Subject: No Subject

I miss me some Chris Othic. There is no one here as funny and good-looking as you are.

*****************************************

If you psychoanalyze these emails I must be gay, Chinese, a bad cook, and awesome.

I'll take it.

Salmon Wars!

Well, there comes a time in every marriage when you have to break out of the old rut and try something new. And for Mary and I that something new was me taking her on in a cooking challenge.

Now, for those of you that know Mary, you know that she is a fabulous cook. Me, not so much. But after we got into a heated discussion about, of all things, salmon patties, it was time for me to take her to the proverbial woodshed.

Mary is an elitist when it comes to food, I think. She believes in using high quality, fresh, and simple ingredients and frowns at preservatives and chemically enhanced foods. Well, at some point recently I mentioned that I was in the mood for a salmon patty, and she crinkled her nose.

"What is that about?" I asked.

"Disgusting," she said.

"How can that be, it's just salmon, eggs and crackers. It's fried."

"Salmon from a can?"

"Yep."

"Like I said, disgusting."

Somehow this led to us talking about the virtues of canned salmon and the even better virtues of fresh salmon from the meat counter. I don't know what my point was but it ended up in an old fashioned salmon throwdown this past Tuesday night. It would be my old-fashioned family recipe salmon patties versus Mary's fancy Martha Stewart recipe salmon burgers. I was trying to make a point.

So I went to the store and bought this:

It cost around $5.

Mary, on the other hand, bought this:

Which cost this:

So, if nothing else, my recipe would be cheaper.

I have to say, I did have a couple of secret weapons. One was that I had called my mom and got the low down on how to make these salmon patties, a favorite from my youth. It was pretty easy, she told me, just do this and this and this and this. I was pretty sure I would screw it up. My mom said that was impossible. All Mary had was Martha Stewart, who wouldn't answer her phone calls.

My other secret weapon was this:

This is the pan I have been making popcorn in for the last two years. I've poured so much oil in it that it practically fries your patty for you.

Oh, and one more secret weapon:

My mom always served salmon patties with mac and cheese and creamed peas. I skipped the peas because I never really liked them and I'm an adult and I don't have to eat them and I will have a cookie and spoil my dinner if I want thankyouverymuch.

Mary had some secret weapons of her own:

Those would be a tartar sauce (yucky) that she made and also some pickled onions (double yucky) that she also made. If she hadn't purchased some Ore Ida french fries I would accuse her of showing off.

Once I got home from work the battle began. Mary cubed her salmon and blended it in the food processor (sorry, no pictures). The she delicately formed her burgers, after first consulting ME to get an estimate of "how long is three inches." Insert your own penis humor here, please.

I have to admit, they looked pretty good when it was all said and done:

The burgers weren't just salmon, they had some lime zest and juice in them, too. Like I said, fancy.

I forgot to take pics of me making my salmon (plus my hands were pretty messy) but I basically opened the can, took out the bones (Mary: "Gross!"), added two eggs and some cracker crumbs, then blended it up until it was "sticky." Then I masturfully formed some patties and popped them into the secret weapon with a little vegetable oil. Don't they have a perfect golden brown color?

Mary started hers as well. They didn't look nearly as tasty as mine.

And here is a side-by-side action shot of me kicking her ass:

While they were frying, we prepped our plating area. These are Mary's buns (pun intended):

And here is my beautiful plate with some lettuce stuff that Mary told me would make everything look beautiful.

Mary was nothing but helpful whereas I talked trash the whole time and tried to make her forget that her buns were in the broiler (which didn't work). I think I had more at stake than she did, like, my family pride.

When the patties/burgers were done, we plated them up. I added some more green vegetable leafy stuff that I chopped up to give my plate even more pizazz, and of course added the mac and cheese. This is probably what heaven looks like when you sit down for your first meal:

Mary plated hers as well. It looked okay, I mean, for a bunch of sandwiches.

Then we presented the plates to our esteemed judges (yep, we had judges, wouldn't be a salmon war without judges).

This is Don Loukota. His qualifications for being a salmon war judge are that he is our friend and he likes food. You can't tell from the picture but he also has a great ass (his words, not mine) that he could not stop talking about all night.

Our other esteemed judge was Elizabeth Drury. Her qualifications for being a salmon war judge are that she is our friend and she likes wine. She didn't not mention having a fine ass at the judge's table, and was a very cordial guest indeed.

Here are the judges saying something intellegent about salmon:

When all was said and done, they announced the winner, because of it's "complex flavors":

Pickled onions are complex flavors? Bleeeeecch!

Oh, well, at least I got Second Place--downgraded for "dryness and salmony tasting"! What did they expect. It's called a salmon patty, for cry pee sake!

I won the award for best side dish, though.

So there you have it. Mary 1, Chris 0.

I did have a salmon patty for lunch today.

The End

More Not So Great Second Lines of Novels

Last year I wrote about the Not So Great Second Lines of Novels. Well, here we go again.

Below are what many consider to be some of the greatest first lines of novels. I have scoured libraries across the world, looking through many texts and author notes, and discovered that in most cases, the second line was even better. (Although, for unknown reasons these lines were never actually published, probably because they towered over and thusly diminished the author’s supposed great first line.) Here are a few:

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. My unhappy family is unhappy in the way that Uncle Leo sits in the corner, staring at his teen aged nieces with hungry eyes whilst drinking mead from a wineskin bag, rubbing the palms of his hands together and making lewd comments before asking if anyone wants to be tickled. - Leo Tolstoy (trans. Constance Garnett), Anna Karenina, 1877

The sun shone, having no alternative, on the nothing new. And the nothing new was me lying in the front lawn once again wondering about the whereabouts of my pants? - Samuel Beckett, Murphy, 1938

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth. Because I really have to take a whizz. - J. D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, 1951

It was a wrong number that started it, the telephone ringing three times in the dead of night, and the voice on the other end asking for someone he was not. After a bit of confusion, the caller posed the question “Would you like to save money on your phone bill by switching to MCI?”
-Paul Auster, City of Glass, 1985

Somewhere in la Mancha, in a place whose name I do not care to remember, a gentleman lived not long ago, one of those who has a lance and ancient shield on a shelf and keeps a skinny nag and a greyhound for racing. He also has a bunch of really good nudie magazines out back in his tool shed. - Miguel de Cervantes (trans. Edith Grossman), Don Quixote, 1605

The sky above the port was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel. Which you would think means it was staticky and gray, but in actuality it was a deep, neon blue, because the television was hooked up by a coaxial cable to a VCR that had been left on channel three when it should have been tuned to channel four. - William Gibson, Neuromancer, 1984

In a sense, I am Jacob Horner. In another sense, I am wearing Mrs. Horner’s undergarments.
- John Barth, The End of the Road, 1958

Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself. She also muttered “Fuck me, these are some expensive flowers.” - Virginia Woolf, Mrs. Dalloway, 1925

All this happened, more or less. Except for the part where I bragged about having a ménage à trois with two airline stewardesses, which was a complete fabrication. - Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five, 1969

I had the story, bit by bit, from various people, and, as generally happens in such cases, each time it was a different story. But even in the most egregious telephone game I do not for the life of me know how “Edith was sleeping with the butler” turned into “The butler was eating Edith’s sheep.” - Edith Wharton, Ethan Frome, 1911

He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he had gone eighty-four days now without taking a fish. Then he switched from the common angle worm to white grubs and it was like the fish were just jumping into the boat. - Ernest Hemingway, The Old Man and the Sea, 1952

I was born twice: first, as a baby girl, on a remarkably smogless Detroit day in January of 1960; and then again, as a teenage boy, in an emergency room near Petoskey, Michigan, in August of 1974. Anything to get out of Detroit.* - Jeffrey Eugenides, Middlesex, 2002

It was a pleasure to burn. It was also a pleasure to rub my crotch feverishly when I thought no one would notice. - Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451, 1953

I was born in the Year 1632, in the City of York, of a good Family, tho' not of that Country, my Father being a Foreigner of Bremen, who settled first at Hull; He got a good Estate by Merchandise, and leaving off his Trade, lived afterward at York, from whence he had married my Mother, whose Relations were named Robinson, a very good Family in that Country, and from whom I was called Robinson Kreutznaer; but by the usual Corruption of Words in England, we are now called, nay we call our selves, and write our Name Crusoe, and so my Companions always call'd me. And if this be your bookclub selection, you are now truly fuck'd. - Daniel Defoe, Robinson Crusoe, 1719

In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since. When he said, “Shit on me once, and it’s your fault; shit on me twice, and it’s my fault; shit on me a third time, and now we’re getting kinky,” I think he was talking about being in a bad relationship, or he had just come back from the brothel or perhaps he must have been drinking quite heavily, probably all three. - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby, 1925

In the late summer of that year we lived in a house in a village that looked across the river and the plain to the mountains. It was a spectacular view but the rent was a little more than we could responsibly afford and thus we maxed out our credit cards going into the fall. - Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms, 1929

* For Nat.

What The Cubs Really Need Is Me

Now that the Cubs have finally turned Lou Pinella into an old man, I would like to throw my hat in the ring to be their new manager. I don’t have a lot of qualifications but I did play high school baseball , leading the team in homeruns both my sophomore (2 taters) and junior (1 dinger) years and I also led the team in stolen bases (can’t remember) and was one of only about three players smart enough to wear a cup during most of the games.

What I can really bring to the table is some interesting strategies I learned from playing eight seasons of 16-inch co-ed softball. In those eight seasons, my teams won three championships, some second and third places and I even have one of those “participant” statues on my desk. It’s a little gold guy in a batting stance but if you ask me he was probably not very good because his batting stance is horrible, the bat is perpendicular to the ground and he doesn’t have enough weight on his back foot for my liking. Anyway, between my keen eye for statues with horrible batting stances and my handful of trophies, I think I’m the proven winner the Cubs need to get them out of their 100+ year slump.

Here are a few strategies I’ve learned that I would use if I was managing the Cubs:

Strategy 1. Put the best player as the lead off hitter and as the left fielder. I was the leadoff hitter for most of the years I played softball, and I also played left field. I assume they did this because I was the best player. So I would do this in the major leagues. Since the Cubs do not have anyone you could consider to be the best player, they should trade for Albert Pujols and make him play left field, which leads me to my next strategy.

Strategy 2. Trade for Albert Pujols. He is really good, and if he was on my co-ed softball team he would have batted first. And then I would bat second, except for the fact that a girl had to bat second, because it was co-ed and we had to bat guy, girl, guy, girl, etc. But in the major leagues there are no women players (even though there are some Japanese players and also some of the Cubs bat like girls), so you don’t have to worry about this. So just get Albert Pujols, bat him leadoff and make him play left field and start counting those championships.

Strategy 3. Make Carlos Zambrano play first base. On my softball team, no one wanted to play first base, so if you made the coach mad he or she would sometimes make you play first base as punishment. At the very least they should make Carlos have to bring a 12-pack of beer to every game, because if a player is being a pain in the ass in a softball league, they have to bring at least a 12-pack of beer to each game or nobody will put up with them. And if Carlos brings something cheap and crappy like Keystone you should break his balls for it and make him bring something better next time.

Strategy 4. Take down the outfield walls at Wrigley Field. When we played softball at Grant Park, there were no outfield walls. If you hit the ball through the outfield it would just keep rolling and rolling for an easy home run. I see the Cubs hit lots of balls off of the ivy, or balls that roll all the way to the ivy that end up as doubles instead of homers. If you took those walls down, the outfielders would have to chase the ball a long way down the street and it would be an easy home run. Also, when the other team comes up to bat, you can put the walls back up to make it harder for them to hit those rolling homeruns. Someone will have to invent this technology, though. I bet if we traded for Albert Pujols he could invent it. Albert Pujols can do anything.

Strategy 5. Use aluminum bats. I hit all of my home runs in high school when I switched from wooden bats to aluminum and I exclusively used aluminum bats in softball because you can hit the ball farther. I think if the Cubs switched to aluminum bats, they would hit a lot more home runs. This would be true whether or not we used Strategy 4. Aluminum bats are more expensive, but this is offset by the fact that they last a lot longer than wooden bats.

Strategy 6. When a fat player gets on base, have them pretend they are hurt. When a fat player in softball gets on base, you usually tell them to fake that they are hurt, and then the last person to make an out can come in and run for them. Hopefully this is someone fast and skinny. This strategy might back fire if you have too many fat players on your team as sometimes a fat player will fake an injury and then an even fatter player was the one to make the last out. Then you kind of go “well, we screwed ourselves on that maneuver.” But I think in the major leagues you could expect the fat players to kind of keep track of who made the last out, and if that player is fatter than they are then they should not fake an injury in that instance. I mean, come on, it’s the major leagues and the players should know a little bit about strategy. As the manager of the Cubs I would also try to keep up on this, and if say, Gio Soto got on base I might yell out “Hey, don’t fake an injury, Zambrano made the last out and he’s fatter than you are.” I would also tell Zambrano to fake an injury every time he got on base. Because he’s fat.

Strategy 7. My last, and most important strategy: Use 10 players in the field. In softball you can have 10 players in the field, and we usually went with 4 outfielders when a guy was batting and then we moved that extra fielder to the infield when a girl was batting. If I was managing the Cubs, I would use 10 players in the field and give them a huge advantage over the teams that are just using 9 players. I would put that extra fielder in the outfield on all batters except for when the opposing team’s pitcher or a Japanese player is batting. More than any strategy, I find this one to be the most useful.

So there you go. Please forward these strategies to the Ricketts family. I will be waiting for their call.

Bonus Strategy: Buy the Miami Heat and the NBA. If none of these strategies seem to work, I would just buy the Miami Heat, move them to Chicago, and change their name to the Chicago Cubs. Then I would buy the NBA and change their name to MLB. This would be really expensive, but should be good for at least 3 or 4 championships right there.

In Other News

BP says oil from its broken well has stopped gushing into the Gulf of Mexico for the first time since April.


Company officials think that the new cap they placed over the busted well has stopped the spill.


In other news, I'm pretty sure that the oil that was in the well is now just out of the well and into the Gulf of Mexico. The cap had nothing to do with it. The well is empty.


I won't believe any other explanation until this cap inevitably breaks and more oil starts leaking into the Gulf of Mexico.



Photo courtesy of James Cameron.

Be Right Back . . .

Well posting on the old Roboblog has been pretty abysmal over the last week, and today's schedule doesn't make it appear as if yours truly will break the pattern.

So, instead of doing nothing, I give you: A Dick Joke A Day For A Week.

If you haven't read it, it's the shortest (like my dick) blog that you will ever enjoy (also like my dick).

And if you have read it, well, you know what you're getting (most likely a venereal disease).

Enjoy.

(And would somebody please at least post about the Viking Women or something? Could it be that the entire RvD writing staff is busy watching reruns of their favorite show, Two and a Half Men?)

The Ten Dollar Millionaire

I went to Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. for dinner the other night, at my visiting nieces' request, and did something I have never done before but will probably do again.

I bribed the hostess so we could get a seat faster.

We had tickets to Fuerza Bruta at 10 p.m. (go check it out if you can, great, great show, visually exciting, unlike anything you have seen before) and it was almost 8 when we got to Bubba Gump, so we were pressed for time. The hostess told us 45 minutes to an hour wait. So we put our names in and wandered off, dazed and confused, a bunch of bewildered dummies surprised that there would be a 45 minute wait for a crappy shrimp dinner on Navy Pier on a Saturday night.

A few minutes later it hit me: I can get us a table. I had read an article in Esquire about using $20 to get you whatever you want, so of course I decided a ten ought to do it for the hostess at Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.

I walked up to her, and asked "How much more time for Mary, party of four?" As she glanced down at her book, I casually waved the folded up ten where she could see it but the gaggle of tourists behind me could not. She stared at me dumbfounded for what seemed like a minute, then turned to her co-hostess and whispered something. Then she looked back at me and said "I can seat you in 10-15 minutes." I eyeballed her like the huckster I was and said, casually (the way Chuck Norris might if he were bribing an Bubba Gump Shrimp employee) "Sure, ten minutes would be great. I'll be right over there." Over there being a nearby trash can. I hovered there, feeling like James Bond, always in view of the hostess, wondering if this was a good or bad example to set for my visiting nieces whose young minds may be influenced by my morally questionable actions. I think they thought it was funny.

Seven minutes later another hosty person seated us. I slipped him a fiver for good measure in the old fashioned way of bribing, palm to palm, disguised as a handshake. It was a thing of beauty. I felt like I was in an episode of The Wire.

And that crappy shrimp dinner tasted better than I ever imagined. I feel like I have a new-found power. I can get a seat at Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. any time I want.

15,000 Lines and Amanda Bynes

I was going to post today about Amanda Bynes retiring from acting. I was going to write something witty about how I was retiring from various things I do not love, like drinking Keystone Light, geocaching, anything to do with soccer, eating artichokes and reading my current boring book club book, The Condition, by Jennifer Haigh.

But I have a 15,000 line spreadsheet hidden on my monitor right behind this window, and it calls my name.

So, in short: who is Amanda Bynes?

The Rain Falls On

Well, after a long bout with cancer, my dad, Carl Elliott, passed away today. He was 68 years old.

He was technically my step dad, so I can't say that I got my stunning good looks from him, or my glorious bald spot, but he raised me since I was five and over the course of my life I think I ended up with his demeanor. He was easy-going, friendly, and never got too worked up over anything, which I think are the best parts of me as well.

As a comedy writer, it's tough to try and strike the right chord between somber and funny. I have tap-danced around that line a lot over the past few weeks, even around my dad. He always laughed at my jokes, which is why I loved him.

And for those of you that are into inside jokes, here are two:

One is, my mom made meatloaf for dinner last night.

Two is, it was raining today at the time of my father's passing.

And you know what they say . . .