Monday, March 30, 2009

Why Must Hollywood Ruin Everything?

I posted this link on my other blog, Clever Title, last Friday.

Basically, MGM is planning on making a new Three Stooges movie. Not a biopic of the Three Stooges. A Three Stooges movie.

The question that comes immediately to mind is: "How the hell do you make a new Three Stooges movie when all of the Stooges are dead? And have been dead for a long time? Has MGM figured out how to raise people from the dead? In which case, who would want to see a zombie Three Stooges movie? Wait, they're making a zombie Three Stooges movie? Where can I find a trailor?"

Slow your roll, hypothetical questioneer. MGM is not resurrecting so much as the remains of a single Howard brother. Instead, they are simply going to cast Benicio Del Toro, Jim Carey and Sean Penn.

I don't know about you, but when I think "hilarious" I immediately think Benicio Del Toro and Sean Penn.


Why, Hollywood? Why?

Why can't you people just write new movies? Why do you have to keep remaking movies that were perfectly fine?

Case in point: The Pink Panther. Classic movies. Iconic, even. Why did you have to go ahead and remake them? I mean, I love Steve Martin. Don't get me wrong. But you're not going to do better than Peter Sellers. You're just not. Peter Sellers = Jacque Clouseau. End of discussion, goddamn it!!

Of course, there are the James Bonds and the Batmans of the movie world. But those characters are more like institutions. Many actors have played those parts, and I'm sure many more will. But the Three Stooges? It's like casting someone else to be a Marx brother. The Marx Brothers are the Marx Brothers. The people and the performances are so intertwined that to have someone else seriously try to replicate them is just sacrelidge.

It's the modern equivalent of casting someone other than Jim Carey to play Ace Ventura. Jim Carey = Ace Ventura.

I think there aught to be a law. Hollywood should only be allowed to remake shitty movies. The idea would be to remake them until they finally get them right. That way, instead of making good movies into pieces of garbage, they will be forced to make pieces of garbage into good movies. I would think this would be a win-win for everyone involved.

So it's petition time. We're sending this one right up to the President himself. Take some time away from hacking GM to pieces and give Hollywood a good solid kick to the shlock-producing testicles!

Say No to New Stooges!


Chris Othic said...

I just saw the remake of Last House on the Left and it was pretty good. Better than the original.

I don't have anything funny to say. I think the Three Stooges idea sounds like an atrocity. But I'd go see it.

Joe Janes said...

The good thing about The Three Stooges movie is that it's the Farelly Brothers. If anyone can do it, they can. And if it sucks, it will probably still be a wonderful trainwreck to watch implode.

Pat Proft tried to do a Marx Brothers movie in the early 90s. I think it was called "Brain Donors." It sucked mightily, although John Tuturo in the Groucho role wasn't bad. But it was created from the outside in, like this Stooge movie will be. The leads had zero chemistry together.

The Stooges and the Marx Brothers both spent decades performing together. You can't expect that kind of chemistry.

I agree with The Pink Panther, but I also think it fails on other accounts. Martin is miscast, for certain. But the script sucks and the writers and director have no idea how to do farce or slapstick.

There's only one person I can think of that could pull off Clouseau and that's Kevin Kline. Brilliant actor, brilliant physical comedian (A Fish Called Wanda). He has the gravity to make it work.

And who could pull off the Three Stooges? Clearly, Crump as Moe, Othic as Larry and Catherine as Curly. I'll do a cameo as Shemp.

Crump said...

Woo Hoo! I'm the leader!

GW said...

I like to think of myself as the Ted Healy of RvD. And by that I mean I plan to steal RvD's money and die under mysterious circumstances.

Nat Topping said...

And I like to think of myself as the Margaret Dumont of RVD. No explanation necessary.

Mike Bauman said...

I'm the Emil Sitka of RvD. Suck it, you lovebirds.

Joe Janes said...

Okay, I can actually buy Del Toro and Penn. But Carey is totally and completely miscast as Curly. Who should be Curly? James Gandolfini, of course.

Nat Topping said...

Speaking of James Gandolfini, Where the Wild Things Are. I am excited about this.