The Annual "You Should Care About Celebrities" Awards

Like my Grandpappy always used to say when I was little boy growing up, “if’n you don’t got nothing to blog about, blog about what done happened yesterday.” I always used to ask “what the hell is blogging?” considering he used to give me this advice well before the invention of the Interwebs. I guess he was clairvoyant. Or else ‘blog’ meant something completely different to him.


Whatever. Here I am, I don’t have anything to blog about, so what happened yesterday?

Ah yes: the Oscars.

Usually I look at the Best Picture list from the Academy Awards and have seen one or two movies. This year, despite there being a ridiculous amount of nominations, I’ve actually seen all but two of the nominees. Ultimately the Academy went with the “surprise pick” by not picking the multi-billion dollar behemoth and going with the “sleeper” film that has already won a shit-ton of awards. Count me as shocked.

Anyway, not that it matters, here are my thoughts and picks for this year. Feel free to deride them in the comment section.

Avatar: on the surface would seem like the favorite. It’s got 3D! They got sexy blue-painted ladies! Explosions! Fun! Unfortunately for James Cameron, being a sci-fi movie is as close to a death sentence in Oscar land as you can get. Fortunately for James Cameron: two billion dollars.

The Blind Side: Did not see it. It’s about football, though. Football usually means no Oscar.

District 9: great movie, fun to watch, explosions. However, once again, sci-fi, and probably only included because they needed ten movies this year for some reason.

An Education: I saw this on Saturday. It was actually pretty good, once you get over the creepy factor (the inherent creepiness of Peter Sarsgaard combined with the whole older man/teenager dynamic). Some very good performances, a very clear plot and message, and an apt title. I imagine it got a good look from the academy.

The Hurt Locker (WINNER): Explosions! An apolitical look at a divisive war! Plot? Meh. But: explosions! It was a good movie, but best picture? I don’t know, guys. I guess it did have Ralph Fiennes in it, which I believe is +5 Oscar points.

Inglourious Basterds: Upon review, I think this is actually my favorite movie of the ten. Bloody but smart, well written but with deliberately and blatantly historic inaccuracies. It’s the kind of movie it takes balls to make – they misspelled the title, for godsake - and Christoph Waltz was lights out.

Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire: Did not see it. Not my kind of movie. I don’t mean that in a racist way. No. I mean it in a sexist way.

A Serious Man: requisite Coen Brothers nomination. I think it’s in the Academy bylaws that one Coen brothers movie must be nominated in order to hold an award ceremony. How was the movie itself? “Interesting” I say, which means “ I wasn’t pulling my teeth out watching it, but at the end wondered ‘what was the point?’” If it had won, I probably would have said something to the effect of “erg.”

Up: it’s a cartoon and it makes grown men cry. I’m crying right now. Also, talking dogs are hilarious. It’s a cartoon, though. Last cartoon to win Best Picture? Exactly.

Up in the Air: I liked this movie. It was smart, funny, bittersweet, and I actually enjoyed watching it the whole way through. Alas, this also normally means ‘no Oscar.’

MY ORIGINAL ‘IN A PERFECT WORLD’ PICK: Up in the Air.
MY AFTER THE FACT ‘ACTUALLY NOW THAT I LOOK AT IT’ PICK: Inglourious Basterds
THE ‘THIS MOVIE MADE OUR INDUSTRY BILLIONS OF DOLARS’ PICK: Avatar
THE ‘SAFE MONEY / LACK OF BALLS / EVERY OTHER AWARD SHOW PICKED THEM SO WHY NOT US’ PICK: The Hurt Locker

I imagine James Cameron sitting at home licking his wounds. And by ‘licking his wounds’ I mean buying two billion dollars worth of solid gold, melting it down, and then making his own gigantic twelve foot tall Oscar statue for his lawn.

My Oscar Picks

Best Writer - Oscar Wilde

Best Muppet - Oscar the Grouch

Best Slob - Oscar Madison

Best Meat - Oscar Meyer

Best Punching - Oscar de la Hoya

Best King of Sweden - Oscar II

Best Pianist - Oscar Peterson

Best Name That Means You've Destroyed Your Beer Mug - Oscar Hammerstein

Best Oscar - Outstanding Sound Mixing in a Silent Australian Snuff Film

Best Picture - Oscar (1991)



Best Excuse to Say a Dirty Word - Oscar Cuntington

A Recap of the Oscars: You Wouldn't Take An Award From A Dead Guy, Would You?

Yesterday was Oscar Sunday! Hooray Oscar Sunday!

The best part about Oscar Sunday is that it gives me something to talk about today. This means I can just do the whole 'talk about things I saw' thing and not have to generate original thoughts of my own. You gotta love the movies, folks.

So, time to put on the fake Perez Hilton hat because Here Comes the Showbiz!!

Hey!! Hugh Jackman hosted the Oscars this year! He was pleasant and handsome for the ladies and not overtly bitter about not getting any sort of nod for Australia. I like Hugh Jackman, but I have to say for every song and dance routine that Hugh Jackman does I lose just a little bit of respect for Wolverine from the X-men movie franchise.

I found it funny that the opening number had to be stripped down due to the economy. This stripped down number took place beneath a gigantic and expensive Swarovski crystal curtain.

Ooh Irony!

Generally speaking, though, it was a good show. I appreciated the fact that they took the technical Oscars and subdivided them into logical groups like 'post production' and preproduction.' They went out of their way to make them understandable to the viewing audience. "Hey, this is part of the movie making process." It also made it a lot easier to go get a sandwich during the show and not worry about missing anything important.

Other changes to the Oscar format? Having five previous winners from each of the acting categories wax rhapsodic about how great all of the nominees were. Because being nominated isn't enough anymore you have to talk about how great people are at pretending to be someone else. It was still kind of cool to see the previous winners. The only exception? Tilda Swinton.

Yikes!

Speaking of acting awards, how much would it have sucked to be nominated for Best Supporting Actor this year? Yeah it's an honor to be nominated I'm sure, but there's no chance you're winning. Sorry Robert Downey Jr. Not this year. Maybe for Iron Man II.

Whose year was it? The girl from Titanic and Spicoli. Both Kate Winslet and Sean Penn have been nominated multiple times but never won. Now they can stop trying so hard with the risk taking and just make the silly action movies they've been longing to make.

And of course Slumdog Millionaire won best picture. It was well written and well produced and it wasn't four hours long. Didn't see the other movies and Frost/Nixon was good, but I am okay with this pick. The award did go a long way towards legitimizing the Indian cinema - provided that cinema is written, directed, and produced by pasty white guys with sketchy teeth.

I would like to thank the Academy for the fair warning: apparently the musical is back with a vengeance. They then followed up that announcement with a demonstration of the horrors waiting in the wings. I now know to keep my head down. It's going to be a long recession.

And finally, the Nat Topping Award for Best Acceptance Speech goes to whoever that Asian guy was who said "Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto." Well played, sir.

Well played.