Monday, August 31, 2009

Big Head Sexy Time

File this under Billy Ocean, WTF?

You must watch this all the way through!

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Saying Goodbye to a Great Man

I wrote this sketch for Big News the day Ted Kennedy was diagnosed with brain cancer. I like to think that when I approach the gates of Hell, this will be the first of my deeds read from the scroll.

Getting the Place Ready by Mike Bauman 5/27/08

Characters: JFK, Jackie Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, Rosemary Kennedy, Delivery Guy.



Hi, Jack. Hi, Jackie.


Hi Bobby. You sounded so distressed on the phone. What's going on?


It's Teddy.


What's wrong?


He's coming up here soon.


Oh my.


And we have to get heaven ready for him.


Oh boy, this is going to take a lot of work. Do we have enough scotch for Teddy?


No one has enough scotch for Teddy.


Are we completely sure he's coming up here?


Let me check.



Hello, Nixon. Have you heard anything about Teddy coming down there? No? Thanks, Richard. Give Reagan my best.



Ok, we're going to need some girls.


And a shitload of seafood.



I brought some carrots and toilet paper for Teddy!



Package for Edward M. Kennedy.


I'll sign for it.



Oh, very funny, Lyndon!


What is it?


Johnson sent a matchbox car floating in a fishbowl.


Poor taste!


And a Barbie doll with a syringe in it's ass.


That's not even right. Your the one who had Marylin killed, Jack.


Friday, August 28, 2009


I may well be complaining about you, and I’m going to sound like an old-fashioned, confused-about-this-new-fangled-technology elderly woman, so I hope you don’t mind…

I find many things about the current cellphone culture to be incredibly bothersome. There are so many things I hate about it that I’m not quite sure where to begin, so let me just start swinging at it like a blind man in a swarm of bees.

Do you really need to buy the newest phone? You just bought your current phone 4 months ago and it seems to be serving you well. Phones should not be fashion accessories. They are useful tools for calling friends, family and business people. Do you really need to exchange the one you have now for the added feature of being able to transform your phone into a Persian rug at the push of a button? Isn’t your hardwood floor nice enough? Do you really need the pencil sharpener? Don’t you usually use a pen anyway?

And boo! to those terrible land-filling phone manufacturers who create substandard devices that don’t last. In my 5 years of cellular living I’ve had three phones, and all three I’ve driven until they've died. My current phone is so dilapidated it belongs in a spooky mansion covered in cobwebs and one large spider with red eyes. When I open it, I expect it to creak like a heavy wooden door or a rusty iron gate, followed by a loud crack of lightening. How did it get this way? Why do they break so easily? I am a gentle owner. True, every day it sits next to my keys, flash drive, pocket change, and my pocket electronic Sudoku, but so does my right testicle, and it seems to be holding up just okay. (I repeat, it’s just okay.)

I’m not going to go into ringtones, but what’s this crap called where you can have people hear a song while they wait for you to answer instead of a normal phone ring? It should be called “Boring Person Indicator” for want of a more descriptive and insulting term. What a depressing feature. Is your desire to tell people all about you so great that you even need to even personalize this? (Have you considered blogging about yourself instead? It’s another great way to tell everyone too much information about yourself, only to ultimately have nobody care, but it's free! Visit I'm So Tired for a good example of one such blog.)

I’m guilty of this, too, so I won’t preach too loud, but just because you’re waiting for a bus and don’t have a book with you, doesn’t mean you have to make a call. Enjoy the scenery. People watch. Think a few new thoughts.

I can't help but suspect that turning every phone into a video camera has diminished our interest in doing good. Pop quiz: If you see a frail, lonely, paranoid, half-lucid, old woman being mugged by some guy, are you more likely to (a) drop everything and chase the bad guy away, or (b) post the video on YouTube?

Talking while driving? I’m not going into that (because I’m a third-degree offender), but talking while biking, rollerblading, or skateboarding? No. Stop it. Now.

And finally, your incessant texting is as irritating as the residual pain from my hernia which sometimes plagues my right nut (I repeat, it’s just okay).

Sure, in some ways these technological advances are great, but I guess my overall point is just because we CAN do something, doesn’t mean we HAVE to do something. In summary, I like to complain about other people.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


I have a system of “healthiness” that I use daily in which I assign myself a percentage of how good I feel. Like today is pretty average--I got a good night’s sleep, I’m not too cranky, work isn’t sucking so bad and I recently had sex--so I would say I’m about a 96% on the healthiness scale. I knocked off 4% because I have a sore ankle.

So day to day you can ask me how I’m doing and I’ll give you a number. 100% is optimal. 0% would be dead. I will never estimate, either, and will always give you an exact number, factoring in all negative and positive effects on my well-being.

The brilliance of this system is that it gives me an excuse to drink. Because the only way you can ever get above 100% is by drinking or having sex. Sex might pop you up to maybe 110%, but the spike only lasts a few minutes, not to mention that it’s much easier to acquire alcohol than sex, at least in my experience. Also, with booze you can achieve at least a 142% on the healthiness scale. I know this because I was there last Friday night after two or three glasses of wine, a couple more beers and a glass of whiskey that was full enough to resemble a glass of coke (no ice). Had I managed to pile some sex on top of those beverages I might have set a new personal record. (My best is the 147% that occurred back in college and involved a bottle of Peachtree Schnapps and two different girls. But I digress.)

Of course, on Saturday morning I woke up at about 63%. It was rough. After some water and another two hours of sleep I had moved up to about 79%. And after a hamburger and some caffeine I was approaching 87%. After some more time had passed and I drank a couple of Saturday afternoon beers, I was well on my way to 100%, with possible gusts into the 120’s.

So there you have it. Drinking is good for you. It’s like Frank Sinatra once said, “I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” And Sinatra averaged a 117% on the healthiness scale (my estimate).

Monday, August 24, 2009

An Idiot's Perspective on Universal Healthcare

The below is crossposted to my other blog, Clever Title.

This weekend, I was flipping through channels on the TV looking for reruns of American Gladiators - the old ones from the 80's that rocked not the new ones - when I accidentally stopped on the news. I try not to watch the news because it's SO BORING but this time when I stopped there were all these people shouting at people in suits and I thought hey, that's kind of like me! I want to shout at people in suits too!

Why are all these people shouting at people in suits, I asked myself. And then the TV told me it was because of Universal Health Care.

Universal Health Care, what's that? I don't know.

So I call my mom, which is something else I try not to do because it's SO BORING and asked her what was Universal Health Care. And then she talked a lot and I don't listen sometimes because it's SO BORING but when she said Health Care is that you go to the doctor. And then Universe means everybody (which I thought was kind of dumb because Universe is all the stars and shit, but she said there were two meanings. Whatever.)

And then I put together the two words and I said "Holy shit, everybody goes to the doctor!" And mom said not to swear but it is too late so I hung up the phone.

And now I'm mad too. Because I hate going to the doctor!

And now, Obama wants to make us all go to the doctor! That's not right.

I don't go to the doctor much. I have health esurance from work but I didn't ask what it was when they gave it to me because I didn't want them to not hire me so I said thank you and now I don't use it.

But every time I did go to the doctor when I was little they poke this, and stick and needle in that, and shove there hand up there and it hurts and it also sucks and also I don't like it!! And that's me - I'm thirty-three years old. Imagine if Obama makes old people go to the doctor too. They're all old and how can they deal with being poked and needled and hands get shoved up the who knows where?

They can't and it's not right!!

So I say everybody needs to stop what they are doing on the Internets because the nakeds will still be there when you come back and instead go call their TV and tell them NO TO UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE!!!

Because it's not right!!!

God bless.

With Great Espresso Comes Great Responsibility

Click HERE!

Friday, August 21, 2009

Bicycle Incident Press Conference

Ladies and Gentlemen, members of the media, my name is Morlonica Vrendlehein, and I have been asked by Greg to be his spokesperson during this trying time. Before I take your questions, I just want to run through the details of this morning so there’s absolute clarity on the confirmed facts.

At 9:17 am this morning, as Greg was bicycling westbound on Fullerton Ave. approaching Halsted, he stopped rather abruptly, causing him to flip over his handlebars and land on all fours in the middle of the road. All reports indicate that he did this as gracefully as possible, and passerby and onlookers have indicated that as he flew into the air, “his bravada emulated the grace of Mikhail Baryshnikov,” adding “not” at the end as a qualifier. There was respectable distance between he and the surrounding cars, so he was mercifully not badly injured.

Greg's doing very well. He's done a couple of things that manifest his level of comfort, one of which is he actually made the thumbs up sign to the car behind him with both thumbs, which is a good sign. When I saw him earlier this morning he kind of waved at me with his left hand. He's walking very well on both legs. He's got absolutely normal vitals, and we have no shortage of volunteers to go out and hand-pick grass for him. So he's doing very well.

One other point I did want to make, because I'm afraid that I may have misspoken on a couple of things previously… earlier I made a big point about how the optimal outcome for Greg is that he be salvaged for breeding. And some people are taking that the wrong way. I want everyone to understand that even if Greg had absolutely no reproductive value, we still would not have had him put down.

The onset and outcome are still under investigation, but his doctors indicate that Greg is in good health and scar free, but as a precautionary measure he is working a regular full day at work.

We ask for your prayers and thoughts. We appreciate them all. I’ll now take questions from the press.

Rhonda Barkley, “Bicycle Enthusiast”. What was the manner in which he fell?

A: As I indicated, Greg flew forward over his handlebars, legs out behind him like a werewolf leaping onto a chicken. We’re told that the words he chose to express his thoughts on the situation were “wuhwuhwuhwoah!” So, you know, that provides some insight into what he was thinking at the time. After landing on all fours, he kind of slinked onto his side for a split second before rising again to face his public.

Gerry Binkfiner, “Bicycle Fall Enthusiast”. You indicated that there was, quote, “respectable distance between he and the surrounding cars.” Was a driver to blame for this incident, or did Greg bring this on himself?

A: Uh, at this point no suspect has been named. Foul play is not expected, but investigation is underway so we can rule that out. The car in front of him had a junior high age student in the backseat who was facing backwards and laughing hysterically, so it’s possible that there was some deliberate menace on their part. On the other hand, the fall was pretty darn funny, so it’s also possible the kid was just laughing because he was a normal human.

Binkfiner: So then did he fall on purpose?

A: I can’t think why anyone would fall off of a bike in the middle of a busy street on purpose. That’s… no, I think it’s safe to say no, Greg did not do this on purpose. Next question.

Claire Blackwood, “When Bad Things Happen to Good People Enthusiast.” Representatives at indicated that traffic to Greg’s blog, I’m So Stupid [sic], has been waning in recent days. Was this bike incident merely a promotional stunt to generate an audience at either his blog or his new sketch revue, “Friends Without Benefits” which opens tonight and runs Fridays at 7:30 pm at Donny’s Skybox through October 5 and is hilarious and only costs $8 for the general public, $5 for students, and $4 for students of the Second City Training Center?

A: Let me answer that in two parts. Yes, it’s true that Greg’s show “Friends Without Benefits” opens tonight at Donny’s Skybox in Piper’s Alley at 1616 N. Wells St., is hilarious and offers affordable ticket prices. But no, Greg is averse to over-the-top promotion and would not make a spectacle of himself simply to promote his comedic art, which is unparalleled and erases all doubt of the existence of a benevolent God. If Greg did this intentionally, and I don’t believe he did, it would only be as a brilliant piece of comic/satiric performance art.

Xue Song Han, “Asian Greg Enthusiast.” Is it true that the fall was the funniest thing ever witnessed by humanity?

A: Yes. To everyone except Greg's mom.

David Riebach, “YouTube Stockholder Enthusiast.” Was the fall captured on video?

A: God, I wish. Wouldn’t that be awesome? But no.

Smorlna Beasley, “Enthusiast.” Is it true that skidmarks were found in the middle of Fullerton Avenue and in the middle of his underwear?

A: DNA analysis is not conclusive at this time, but an answer to this question will most likely not be made public. Please leave this private issue to be dealt with by Greg, his wife, and their God.

Mike Smith, “Important News Enthusiast.” [translated from Arabic] While many African countries have pledged troops, actually, you probably have more than you need. Officials at the United Nations argue that they need advance logistics and facilities, especially in transportation and air that African armies do not have. My first question to you, Sir, is would Sudan agree to the use of these facilities from the Europeans or even Americans, if needed?

A: Sorry, you’re in the wrong room. We’re not taking real questions here.

Denver Glick, Greg’s boss. Is it true that following the accident, Greg spent the next 2 hours at work blogging about his experience instead of performing actual work?

A: (watches watch for 10 seconds) …aaaaaaannnnddd, we’re out of time.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

You say tomato, I say rhubarb pie

Who here likes Billy Ocean? "Caribbean Queen" was his most famous song, but you may remember another hit of his - "Loverboy". I want you to listen to "Loverboy". You can hear it here (I use that website all the time and the feds haven't come after me yet, so just calm down). Close your eyes and listen. As you listen to the song concentrate on the words and the rythm, the whole feel of it. Imagine what the video for this song would look like. Don't try to trick yourself, just take the words and the music and how the song makes you feel and imagine what the video for this song would look like. After you have painted yourself a vivid picture go here and watch the video. I'll give you a nickel if you even came close.

Fun, Fun, and Fun

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

High Fidelity, High Expectations

High Fidelity
Music by Tom Kitt
Lyrics by Amanda Green
Book by David Lindsay-Abaire
Directed and Choreographed by Peter Amster
Piper's Alley
230 West North Avenue, 3rd floor
Route 66 Theatre Company

Originally a novel by British author Nick Hornby, but drawing more heavily from the Chicago-planted John Cusack film adaptation from 2000, comes High Fidelity, the musical. It's the story of Rob, the owner of a struggling record store trying to work his way through a trail of failed relationships in hopes to win back his latest ex-girlfriend, Laura.

What works well for the show is the environment. It's the story of a small group of friends connected by their love of music. They work in a record store by day and hang out at band bars at night. Putting it in a cabaret/night club setting is the right move. But I will say, if you're going to emulate a bar atmosphere, get a better selection of beer. No bar these characters would go to would serve a "carb free" beer.

This ambitious Route 66 Theatre Company production has its bright spots, but ultimately can't overcome the inherent issues in the story. First off, if your main character is a 40-something loser with a Hair Club for Men coif who still sleeps on a futon that doubles as his couch and is a douchebag when it comes to women, I'm going to have a hard time rooting for the dude. And when the love of his life is a 40-something lawyer who leaves him to find herself and then hooks up with an even douchier dude, well, she gets what she deserves.

If you have any familiarity with the original story, you may be wondering about my reference to the lead characters being in their 40s. They're not supposed to be. Even this production's website describes them as being in their 30s. One of the issues, is that the lead actors don't look it. They look old enough to know better and to have already worked out this stuff. The character of Rob, as written, is a bit of a jerk, but he's a jerk with charm and natural charisma and he means well and you cheer for him when he succeeds and you feel bad when he falls back. Such is not the case here. Stef Tovar, who seems like a competent actor, is miscast. The part of Laura, played by Tricia Small, is thin and underwritten, so its difficult to lay too much burden on her performance. What is definitely missing when these two are together on stage is chemistry. There's no reason for the audience to want them to get together, except to wrap up the show.

Behind the leads, is an excellent supporting cast full the spark and great singing chops one would expect from a musical about the love of rock and roll. Michael Mahler as "Dick" and Blair Robertson as "Anna" steal the show with the too few moments they have together on stage. Jonathan Wagner, in the thankless role of "Barry" that was a breakthrough for Jack Black in the film, does an admirable job and nearly brings the damn house down with the kick ass finale number "Turn The World Off."

Basically, the story has problems. A lot of telling us how people think and feel without showing us. It surprised me when Dick and Barry, the two record store employees, show up at the funeral of their boss's ex-girlfriend's father in the second act, but then I remembered someone mentioned in the first act that they liked Laura. Um, yep. There's a lot of that going on. These story telling flaws can only be overcome with super dynamic actors in the leads, which, they unfortunately don't have here.

Full Price, Discounted Ticket, Comp or Avoid Altogether?

Comp. If you get a chance to see it for free, go see it. I not, go rent the DVD and enjoy the movie's soundtrack, it's like listening to a freeform FM station from the 70s.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Chris Flips

I saw a girl as I was walking in to work today and she was wearing neon blue flip flops and a perfectly matched neon blue skirt.

How does that work? Is that a fluke in her wardrobe that they would perfectly match? Was she getting dressed, grabbed the neon blue skirt and then thought “Waitaminute! I have a pair of flip flops that would be a perfect match with this skirt”? That could happen, right?

Was it a happy accident or did she work at it? Did she buy the flip flops first and then decide to find a matching skirt? Or did she buy the skirt first thinking it would be easier to find matching flip flops? Did she leave the house one day in search of flip flops, or was she specifically looking for neon blue flip flops? Or was she just looking for flip flops, and the neon blue ones were on sale? Was she maybe just bargain shopping? Or is it possible that she really needed flip flops and these were the only pair left at the store that fit? That's a possibility, isn’t it?

Does she also have other color matching skirts/flip flop sets? Does she have a yellow skirt and yellow flip flops? Green and green? Red and red? Did she have a choice between various neon colors, but went with blue for a particular reason? Did she think the odds were more favorable of finding a match with neon blue than any other neon color?

Isn’t it highly likely that she would at least have a black skirt and a pair of black flip flops? Does she enjoy wearing them as much as she enjoys wearing brighter colors? Does she eschew black and refuse to wear it? Are all of her flip flops neon or does she maybe have some earth tones mixed in there? You would think so, wouldn't you?

Does she sometimes wear complimentary neon colors, like red flip flops with a green skirt? Would she wear that at Christmas? Do you think she wears green and green on St. Patrick’s Day? Wouldn’t it be too cold for flip flops and skirts on those two holidays? Are there other holidays that would call for a flip flop/skirt color combination? Would she wear brown on Arbor Day? Would it even have to be a holiday to wear a special combination? Would she possibly wear blue flip flops with an orange skirt to a Bears game? Wouldn’t that also be too cold, especially if it was a late season game? What if it was a night game? Would she wear a completely different outfit? Would she wear jeans with flip flops? What color would the jeans be? Wouldn’t her feet still get cold? Shouldn’t she just stay home and watch the game on TV, if it’s that important to her to wear flip flops and a skirt? Isn't that a reasonable question to ask?

Do you think her earrings also matched her skirt and flip flops? Doesn’t that seem logical as earrings are one of the easiest things to accessorize and come in variety of colors? Will I lie awake tonight wondering if she was wearing neon blue earrings? Should I torture myself about this? If she was wearing neon blue earrings, isn't it likely I would have noticed, since they were neon? Isn’t it possible that they were probably just regular gold or silver earrings since those metals tend to go with a wide variety of colors and patterns? Is it also possible that maybe she wasn’t wearing earrings at all? Is it possible that she doesn’t have any ears? Did I not notice because I was too wrapped up in the questions about the neon blue flip flops/skirt combination? Am I overthinking this?

I wanted to stop and ask her these, and many other questions, but I hate coming into work after I get maced.



Robot vs. Dinosaur is NOW CASTING its latest scripted sketch comedy revue.


Tuesday, September 1, 2009 (6 to 9 p.m.)
Wednesday, September 2, 2009 (7 to 10 p.m.)
Callbacks will be held on Thursday, September 3 from 6 to 9 p.m.
One hour slots available at 6, 7 and 8 p.m. on 9/1 or 7, 8, and 9 p.m. on 9/2

The audition will be cold readings from the script with some improv.

Auditions will be held at THE SECOND CITY TRAINING CENTER (check in at 4TH Floor Lobby)


Performances will be at the Gorilla Tango Theatre, Fridays and Saturdays at 8 p.m., October 16 through November 21, 2009
(Important Dates: You must be available for all performances to audition. Any other schedule conflicts are negotiable.)


Looking for a variety of MALES and FEMALES and PUPPETEERS. It will be a fun time and a great opportunity for all levels of experience.


To sign up for a time slot, please email Chris Othic at crothic at or call/text 773-314-3582 and leave a message with your name, phone number, email address and preferred time slot. Chris will contact you to confirm your slot.

Please bring headshots and resumes (if you have them) to the audition, as well as your availability for rehearsals from 9/1/2009 through 10/16/2009.

We hope to see you at the audition!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Remembering Les Paul

Les Paul, the inventor of the electric toaster, died this week of squirrel-cell polynoma. He was 37 years old. Paul, known to his friends as "knobwasher," delighted generations of music lovers with his unique renditions of Andorran jazz standards played on transient miners.

Les Paul was born Paul Les in Pittsburgh, Hawaii. Several sources cited his date of birth as cantaloupe the third, but those sources were often disabled. After a childhood full of bees, Paul packed his suitcases at the age of 12. He then unpacked his suitcases because he didn't leave home until his was 16. In the summer of 1931, a prescient Les Paul stormed the beach of Normandy, keeping Hitler out of France for nearly a decade. Sailing from Dunkirk on the S.S. Minnow, Paul moved to New York City where he met his wife Fernando. Fernando encouraged Paul to take up the guitar, beginning a career that would span 87 presidential gay scandals.

Paul's first album, I Don't Understand Why the Strings on the Bottom Are Called the Top Strings, sold dozens of copies, missing the top of the charts only because it never made the charts. His next LP, Leo Fender is a Cunt, featured the vocals of Edsel Ford. The record stymied both the music and motor industries for several years. Paul quit the music business and spent the next 40 years as a weather balloon.

New fans began discovering Paul's old albums in the late 1990's when his entire catalogue was released on 9-track tape. Suddenly in demand, the elderly guitarist crossed the country, accusing lawn gnomes of treason. Paul's final public appearances was as at the 2007 Grammys as Keith Urban's undershirt.

Since Les Paul's passing, tributes have been pouring in:

"Without Les Paul's influence, I would never have learned the guitar." - Tim Conway

"Les Paul was to music what Leonardo DiCaprio is to physics." - Lady Gaga

"I was putting together a panel to have him killed anyway." - President Obama

Les Paul will be laid to rest in your soup tomorrow morning. Flowers are discouraged, but will be happy again soon. A 403 disc retrospective box set, This G-String Had Been Used for Other Unsanitary Purposes, is expected to be released in 2 to 3 years with good behavior.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Ferris Bueller Trivia

If you ever find yourself watching John Hughes’ classic “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” with a person who has never seen it before, and you’re dropping little bits of trivia as the movie progresses, there will come a moment when everyone will get bummed out…

“See Ferris’s parents? The actors names are Cindy Pickett and Lyman Ward. They met on the movie set and actually ended up getting married!

“But they weren’t the only love story on the set! Ferris is played by Matthew Broderick, and see that girl playing his sister Jeannie? That’s Jennifer Grey. While they were making this movie they were dating, and they later got engaged.

“That’s Alan Ruck playing the part of Cameron. Can you believe he was 29 when he starred in this! Yeah, I know, he is excellent!

“Ferris’s girlfriend, that’s Mia Sara. She’s… I got nothin’ on her.

“That monotonous economics teacher is Ben Stein! He was a speechwriter for Richard Nixon! Pretty neat, huh!

“Yes, that’s Mrs. Poole from The Hogan Family. Her real name is Edie McClurg, and this scene where she’s answering the phone and trying to sound like the principal is improvised!

“What’s that? Tell you something interesting about Ed who? Sorry, I didn’t catch that name, come again? … Oh! The principal! Yeah… Hmm, what can I tell you about him … Well, his name is Jeffrey Jones, and he was in Amadeus and Ed Wood. … I can tell that you do not find that tidbit interesting. Let’s see, I know he attended the London Academy of Music and Dramatic Art in 1969. … Not factoidy enough for you? Well, like his secretary in the film, he has red hair. Let’s call that a good piece of trivia about him and move on so I can tell you all about Charlie Sheen staying up for 48 hours before filming! … No? Still not satisfied? Okay… I only know one more thing about him. (sigh) I can tell you that he disappeared from film and TV for three years after he was arrested for possession of child pornography and employing a 14-year-old boy to pose for pornographic photographs.

“What? Turn it off? We’re not even half-way through!

“No! Why would I find it creepy that the man playing the principal, surrounded by all these high school aged actors, is a sexual predator? … Stop being weirded out, he’s completely employable now! Since the "incident" he's starred in the hilarious Caddyshack rip-off “Who’s Your Caddy?”

“... Well, yes, I guess you’re right. That title is an obvious play on the phrase “Who’s your daddy?” which as you say that is a phrase used to imply a boastful claim of physical or sexual dominance over the intended listener. … His character’s name in “Who’s Your Caddy?” Why would you even want to know that? ... Fine, I can see you won’t be satisfied until I give you an answer, and I don’t like interrupting the movie for this long, because it really breaks the flow— Um, I think his character’s name is flemberfflmphh. … I said flenderflemvvv. … Louder you say? Cummings! Yes, his character’s name is Cummings! Who cares? I don't get it … Oh, that's very juvenile of you to find it eerily coincidental that an actor who was arrested for taking snapshots of a nude 14-year-old boy in his own home just happen to be in a film whose title is a play on sexual dominance playing a character whose name, in a completely different context, refers to the orgasm. Will you let the man be? Let the guy have a career!

“Turn it off?! You haven’t even seen Louie Anderson as the flower delivery guy! Come on, this is a great movie! One of the best ‘80s comedies ever! … Fine. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. Can I refill your tea? ... What’s that? …Sure, I still feel like watching something. What do you feel like? … No longer in a laughing mood, eh? Sure, we can watch The Pianist. … Let’s see, what trivia do I know about Roman Polanski…”

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


I just returned from five days in Honduras, most of them spent fending off grasshoppers the size of toasters and buying watermelon from bus vendors (Dear CTA, something to consider?). I also discovered that the orphans I was hanging out with, Honduran boys ages five through 15, were strangely current when it came to movies they'd seen. I learned quickly that this is due to Central America's profitable bootleg DVD trade, where you can buy a copy for a movie that hasn't even been made yet for the price of the previously mentioned watermelon. So the upside is that you end up seeing movies before even the actors themselves see them. And the downside is that you don't really see the movie at all. Instead what you see is a second-hand movie theater experience, shaky camcorder held so that half the screen is missing, scenes interrupted by people getting up to go to the bathroom, the ever-present crunch of popcorn eating in the background, the hum of an air conditioner. In the end, you hear more chewing and mouth breathing than dialog. And ultimately, you wonder if you just should've opted for the watermelon instead.

On one rainy night, sitting on folding chairs in an open-air mess hall, the boys were given a choice between the newest Harry Potter movie, Up and G-Force, a movie centered around the adventures of talking gerbils. Not one to outwardly influence the vote, I secretly hoped they'd choose Up, but to no avail. What followed was 90 minutes of gerbils in goggles and space gear talking in rapid-fire, badly dubbed Spanish. I got up and left a quarter of the way through, when walking back to our house through the darkness and the wet grass and a fine layer of toaster-sized grasshoppers seemed more enjoyable than the movie. And I don't even know why I'm telling you this except to to say that bootlegged movies are fascinating, and Spanish-speaking gerbils are funny, and together they are intolerable, but that is only my opinion. Nine of out of 10 Honduran orphans would probably think otherwise.


And the winner is . . . Mr. Joe Janes with this little gem:

"And now . . . the wind section."

I liked his entry because it was short and sweet and sort of low brow without actually being low brow. Joe will be getting his prize the next time I see him.

Special thanks also to Mike Harris, who obviously knew the real story "behind" this photo, which I will share with you now. This photo was taken when I did some stand up comedy at my office holiday party back in December of 2005. In case you didn't know, I work at a law firm where I am a secretary, and the also the only male secretary in the firm. Here is the joke that more or less used this pose:
“I thought it would be fun if I got a bunch of guys together that are in these sort of female dominated jobs, and we could do one of those beefcake calendars. You know? You could have the little male nurse, with his little needle. [pose] Or the guy behind the cosmetic counter, maybe spraying some perfume. [pose] Oh, and here would be me, typing at my keyboard. [pose]”
Actually, I changed it up a bit, as you can see in the video below. I think the final turned out much better.

Also, for your reading enjoyment, here is the text of the entire routine. This is actually quite a bit different than what is on the video, as I think this is my final written version of the routine, and then over the last week or so of rehearsing I made quite a few cuts and changes. I’ll talk about my rather limited experience doing stand up in a future blog post.

Once again, congrats to Joe and thanks to everyone who submitted a caption.

Chris Othic's GCD Idol Routine:

I know, I know what’s going on here. “Hey let’s put the male secretary up on stage.” Look at the freak, everyone! And I know what you’re saying. I hear the whispers. “He’s not like the female secretaries.” “He never bakes anything.” “I hear he can pee standing up.”

Hey there is nothing wrong with being a male secretary. I know it doesn’t sound very manly, but you should see what I use to hit the space bar. [Then just glance down between your legs and smile knowingly]

I thought it would be fun if I got a bunch of guys together that are in these sort of female dominated jobs, and we could do one of those beefcake calendars. You know? You could have the little male nurse, with his little needle. [pose] Or the guy behind the cosmetic counter, maybe spraying some perfume. [pose] Oh, and here would be me at my keyboard. [pose] Ah, it’s a bad idea. Nobody would want to see those other guys in their speedos.

I’ve noticed that there are two kinds of people around the law firm: the staple people and the paper clip people. I’m a staple guy, you know? It’s just more fun. Like when you’re attorney makes you mad, you can staple with an attitude. (Act out an imaginary confrontation.) “You need this document right now? Oh yeah? I shall staple it for you! {staple angrily, twice] Bam, Bam. Here you go. Those sheets of paper shall remain fastened together, forever!” You can’t really get that satisfaction out of a paper clip. It’s like (Act out a similar imaginary confrontation.) “You need this document right now? Oh yeah? I shall paper clip it for you.” [Act out trying to retrieve paperclip from holder, very delicately] (Meekly) I can’t get just one clip, they’re stuck together. It’s because of their trombone shape! [Retrieve clip, angrily put it on paper.] (Confrontational) Here you go! Those sheets of paper shall remain—oh yeah, you’re right, I should have used a binder clip. Dammit!” Sometimes I hold the stapler sideways, too, like I’m one of those gangstas about to pop a cap into a severance agreement. “Oh yeah! Take this sucka!” You should see what I do with the three hole punch.

This is sort of depressing, if you’re a lawyer, but that your job consists of basically coming to work, day in and day out, and for the rest of your life, having a term paper due every three days. I mean that sounds awful, doesn’t it? Is there any job that would suck worse than that? Oh yeah, I know: The only job worse than that would be having to type somebody else’s term paper every three days. Talk about a sucky job! Hey, wait a minute . . .

Speaking of stuff that sucks, how about this: Paper cuts. You ever get one of those? Little bitty cut, hurts like hell, and won’t stop bleeding NO MATTER WHAT. (Demonstrating) You got the Band-Aids and the wrapping of the gauze and your sucking on it and it’s getting all over your desk and the papers and it just keeps on coming and at some point (pause for effect) isn’t it just easier to hand a bloody document to your attorney? It’s like, “You know what, let’s just come to an agreement, we’re going to have blood on the documents today, okay? It’s my blood, I don’t have any infectious diseases, we’re both type O, we should be fine.”

And here’s a little secret they aren’t telling you. You know some of the folks who (finger quotes) “supposedly” left the firm? (pause, look around suspiciously.) Papercutted to death. Oh, yeah, hey it’s not funny. Damn you manilla folders!

And I have to be extra careful about papercuts because when you do as much typing as I do, any type of finger injury can be a huge problem. Like, this past spring, I jammed my finger playing softball. There’s me, rolling around on the ground, holding my finger, and my teammates were like, “Why are you crying? It’s just your pinkie.” And I told them, “You don’t understand, it’s not just my pinkie, that’s my semi-colon finger!” (Holding up pinkie.)

You can laugh about a potentially career ending injury if you want, but it’s a big thing to me. Because what most people don’t know is I can type 870 words per minute. That’s right. 870 words per minute. You don’t believe me? Check this out. [Demonstrate: I SPACE , I SPACE, I SPACE, I SPACE, A SPACE, A SPACE, A SPACE, A SPACE, I SPACE, A SPACE, I SPACE, A SPACE. (pause) Semicolon. [Holding up fingers and blowing on them like they are smoking guns.] Hey, you don’t think that’s worth a 4 percent raise every year? You can spell check it if you want. No errors.

Typing isn’t my only skill. I also know how to sneak porn in through the GCD firewall. Yeah, and they don’t think I’m partner material.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Lollapalooza: as Critiqued by a Crotchety Old Man and His Pomeranian, Fritz

Double posted on Clever Title.

These goddamn kids!

Every Sunday, I go down to Grant Park with my Pomeranian, Fritz. We go for a little walk, we poo poo, I pick it up, we feed pigeons little pieces of bread and just enjoy the day. Here's a picture of Fritz, in case you as well love Pomeranians.

Well this Sunday, Fritz and I took out little walk and, as we were walking towards the bench where I always - always - sit and feed the pigeons, there were two goddamned hippie kids kissing each other French style!

And then I heard the noise!

And the smell of unwashed teenagers and twenty year old youngins!

And the faint stench of vodka mixed with 7-Eleven Big Gulp drinks!

And I said to myself, goddamn it! It's one of those damned Lollypaloser rackets they do every summer!

Fritz was not happy either. Isn't that right, Fritz?


I decided to take Fritz home to our condo and sooth his nerves with a freshly baked doggie treat - I could tell all the hippery was playing with Fritz's constitution - but everywhere we went there were damned kids dancing and singing and vomiting and carrying on.

At about 5:30 PM, one of the so called "bands" took the stage and it was particularly odious. I don't understand how people can call that music. Ella Fitzgerald, now that was music. Now a days, bands have such weird names, like "Arctic Monkeys."

That doesn't even make sense, "Arctic Monkeys!" Monkeys don't live in the Arctic! Penguins do! Even Fritz could tell you that!

Well, needless to say, I plan on complaining to my alderman. This racket needs to stop.

The only thing that could possibly be worse is if we get the Olympics, with all those greasy foreigners running around.

Fritz would have a fit.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

For Us News Junkies

Possibly the greatest thing in the history of the world:

If you're not into politics and current events, here's something for those of you who prefer the higher-brow entertainment:

Friday, August 7, 2009

An open letter to the cute little designers of Japan Airlines website

Congratulations on your very own big-boy website, Japan Airline web designer! Your Mommy will be SO PROUD of you! You have a couple pictures on there, some hyperlinks--whoa! calm down! I want the links to be hyper, not you, buddy! This is really good! We're going to hang it on the fridge when Mommy gets home. It looks just like a real website, and I'm super proud of you, Champ. To think you made it all out of glitter and dried beans. Very impressive.

So, just a few little things, Pal, nothing major. I think it's really neat just the way it is, but one thing that a lot of grown-ups like to do when they are flying in a plane--up-up and away!--is to ask the nice people at the airline if they can sit next to people that love them. When we're going to spend more than 40 hours flying roundtrip, Mommy and I like to sit by each other. That way Mommy won't get her shoulder drooled on by a sleeping stranger and I can take my shoes off without being embarrassed about my bunions.

Some of links are a little bit silly, aren't they! I like these two which look like they go two different places, but then, nope! they go to the same page! You're silly, you goofball!

You're getting sleepy, aren't you. Is it already 7:30? It's past someone's bedtime. Go on to bed, Junior, and take your toll free customer service number to bed with you. It stopped taking calls at 6:00 pm anyway. We'll talk about it more in the morning. Maybe we can look at some real websites tomorrow!

Please familiarize yourself with all the exits. I'm very pleased with you, little man.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Guest Review of "Put My Finger In Your Mouth"

Last Thursday, I had the pleasure of seeing the new Right Brain Project production written by Bob Fisher, directed by Nathan Robbel and featuring Metaluna alum Erin Orr. My friend Michelle Peterson from Whack Publications accompanied me and her is her review.


10 p.m. each Friday and Saturday
through August 29
$15 (suggested donation)
RBP Rorschach, 4001 North Ravenswood, Irving Park & Ravenswood on the
Northeast side of the Metra tracks.

Reservations highly recommended and available through the RBP box office,
773-750-2033 or e-mail ticket requests,

PUT MY FINGER IN YOUR MOUTH is intended for mature audiences.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

A Life With Purpose

We all have a purpose. Even rocks.

Yep. God said, "Hey, David. Use that rock to kill that guy." Even God runs out of ideas.

Found this gem on Everything Is Terrible.

Monday, August 3, 2009


Okay, blog posting has been a little . . . slow . . . lately, and I know Nat is trekking across the Canadian border today, so . . . CAPTION CONTEST!

Please submit your caption for the photo below (featuring yours truly doing . . . something). Entries must be submitted by Monday, August 10 at 5 p.m. I will announce the winner next Tuesday as well as tell you what this caption should really say when I do my weekly post.

The winner will receive a six-pack of the beer of their choice (up to $6.99 value) or the money equivalent if I cannot hand deliver it. Multiple submissions from the same person are welcome.