Congratulations Are In Order...

...to one Mr. Joe Janes for completion of his 365 Sketches project.  Here is Joe, on the right, in a t-shirt featuring the outline of his head and glasses.

Talking to Joe while he's wearing this shirt is a strange experience.  I don't know where to look.  Do I look at actual Joe or outline Joe?

Writing 365 Sketches was a monumental accomplishment.  Producing them was also a monumental accomplishment.  And now, you can have a monumentally sized book with all 365 sketches by clicking here.  It is the funniest collection of outhouse paper you've ever owned!

I kid.  Naturally.  Who uses an outhouse anymore?

If I had my druthers, that t-shirt would be for sale too.  I would wear it to bed everynight.  Yes, that's creepy.  But it's true.

So, now that that show is over, we have 12 Angry Sketches to occupy your plugging needs!  We basically sold out this last Friday, and there are only two Fridays left, so get your tickets now.

AND, we're gonna be performing at the Neo-Futurists come July 29th for Film Fest IX: The Perils of the Neo-Futurarium.  More information to follow as we get closer, but we will be performing:

The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent )as Performed by the Inmates of the Asylum of Charenton Under the Direction of the Great Sea Serpent)

So we all have that to look forward to.  Hooray shows!

365 Sketches - We Did It!

Well, it was a little rough around the edges, but we made it through our 365 show last night, all in one piece.

I had a blast, from beginning to end, working with a super fun cast and bringing Joe's words to life, or at least something that closely resembled it. I'd do it all again in a heartbeat--which is only slightly longer than Nat had to perform "Still Life" when a music snafu made our three and a half minute scene into about a minute and half. I love live theater.

Here are some fun pics of the show that were originally posted here by Don Hall over at the 365 Sketches Blog. (Which reminds me, there are still four more nights of shows! Go see some by clicking here to get your tickets.)

Geoff Crump laments sending an email in all caps to the entire office in "Stop SHOUTING." From left to right: Geoff Crump, Mackenzie Yeager, Mike Bauman, Becca Levine, Chris Othic, Nat Topping.

Nat Topping shares a "funny" idea with his sketch comedy writing class in "A Thing I Wrote." From left to right: Mike Bauman, Chris Othic, Becca Levine, Geoff Crump, Nat Topping and Mackenzie Yeager.

Becca Levine smokes a pipe in the background as Geoff Crump tells why his "Unicorn" is better than Mackenzie Yeager's "Clap" in "The Unicorn and the Vengeance."

Geoff Crump and King Kong (Tamara Raphaeli) fail to impress a tough crowd in "The Eighth Wonder of the World."

My awards (which will probably mean nothing to you if you didn't see the show), as follows (and based on some stuff I heard from others after the show):

Best Line Not Written By Joe Janes: Geoff Crump - "Let me put my shirt back on!"
Castmember Who Seemed to Be Having the Most Fun: Mackenzie Yeager and her imaginary suit of armor in "The Unicorn and the Vengeance"
Best Display of A King Kong Rampage If King Kong Was Blind: Tamara Raphaeli
Best Transition Music of All Time That Should Have Been 30-45 Seconds Longer: Going into "The Eighth Wonder of the World" (A Very Short Night On Bald Mountain)
Best Scene That Should Have Been 3 Minutes Longer: "Still Life"
Biggest Surprise: We somehow actually sang Joe's clunky ass lyrics to "A Gospel Song For Atheists" and the audience loved it
Worst English Accent: Still Kevin Kostner in 1991's "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves"
Second Worst English Accent: Chris Othic in "The Curse of The Speckled Bullet"

I'm sure there are other awards to give that are too numerous to mention. And as a word of advice, I would tell anyone that ever considered directing and also acting in a sketch show that if you don't get yourself an assistant director from day one you are an idiot.

All in all, it was a great thrill. I want to thank my great cast, Tamara Raphaeli for stepping in at the last minute to help assistant direct and be the gorilla wrangler, Joe for writing the show, Don Hall for his superb producing skills, and Jess McCloud for stage managing under some insane circumstances.

This whole experience was like eating the finest meal at Skarki's. And when we carried off the Stanley Cup at the end, it was glorious. Totally glorious.

365 Sketches - RvD Show Tonight!

Tonight RvD will make their contribution to Joe's 365 Sketches festival when we present "A Thing I Wrote" (on a double-bill with "Fools Rush In Where Angels Fear To Treadmill") starting at 8 p.m. Get your tickets here.

Back in January of this year, as Joe was wrapping up the project, us fine folks at RvD thought we would like to present Joe with a special gift. So in keeping with the spirit of his project, we decided to write a scene about how it all began. We called it "Day Zero."

Here are a few interesting tidbits I thought you might like to hear about before I post the scene below.

• We wrote this in a round-robin style: one writer started and wrote a beat, then emailed it to the next, and so on. I think this scene feels pretty seamless but you might try to figure out where one beat ends and a new one begins. Even we aren't sure at this point.
• The opening line of the scene and the closing are more or less what Joe wrote to open scene 1 and close scene 365 of his project.
• There are a few references here and there to other scenes Joe wrote throughout the year.
• There is a special guest star, whom I won't reveal here, but it was fun to ridicule them.
• Yes, Joe is ridiculed endlessly.
• The "Fearinator" sequence is actually a riff on Joe's post titled "TEN THINGS YOU SHOULD PLEASE STOP DOING IN YOUR SKETCH REVUE - NOW!!!" You should read it. Really.

And so now, without further ado, Robot vs. Dinsaur presents: "365 Sketches - Day Zero." (Please forgive the formatting of this scene as my meager blogging skills could not live up to the task of making it look presentable.)

“365 SKETCHES - DAY ZERO”

Not Written by Joe Janes
1/19/2010
0 of 365

CAST
MR. WILLIAMS
JOE JANES
CRAZY MAN
WOMAN/SUZAN-LORI PARKS
BRET
TAMMY
BOB
TOM
SHERRY
MAN IN A CHICKEN SUIT

(Lights up on Joe Janes in his office cubicle. He is packing stuff from his desk into a cardboard box previously used to store reams of paper. He looks sad. Mr. Williams enters carrying a thick, but not cumbersome, stack of files. The top file is in a very colorful, recognizable folder while the others are a drab manila. As they talk, Mr. Williams is only half-listening as he sits at Joe’s old desk and reads through the files.)

MR. WILLIAMS
Janes?

(Joe bucks up and feigns happiness.)

JOE
Yes, Mr. Williams?

MR.WILLIAMS
How are we doing?

JOE
No complaints, Mr. Williams! This lay off couldn’t have come at a more opportune time. It’s the perfect excuse to get out there and do the things I’ve been too busy to do.

MR. WILLIAMS
What will you be doing with your time?

JOE
I--I don’t--

MR. WILLIAMS
You mentioned the things you’ve been too busy to do. Like what?

(Joe is stumped. He looks worried.)

MR. WILLIAMS
Well, not to worry. I’m sure you’ll think of something. Say, here’s an interesting file. “Roger Casey found dead in his home after writing 364th sketch.” You write funny little skits sometimes, don’t you? You ever hear of this guy?

(Joe is still in his own world.)

MR. WILLIAMS
Well this is the fourth pathetic little clown this week who attempted to write a sketch a day for one year that’s been found dead. All of them on Day 364. They should just stop trying. But I suppose you theatre types--resilient spirits and all. Anyway. Say, Joe, I’m very busy today. As a final favor, will you finish these files for me before you go?

JOE
Sure.

MR. WILLIAMS gets up.

MR. WILLIAMS
Well, I guess this is it for us, eh? Look, I’ve, uh, never been good at saying goodbye. So fuck you.

MR. WILLIAMS leaves abruptly. JOE pushes the stack of files onto the floor, sending paper flying everywhere. The colorful folder is still intact and it catches his eye. He opens it and looks inside. It contains:

JOE
A pen, a notepad and a Starbucks gift card? I see what’s going on here. Williams is trying to challenge me! Well, I’ll show that asshole! No one challenges Joe Janes to a possibly death defying task. I can write 365 sketches in a year! Hell, I’ve gone without sex for longer than that.

(We hear a rimshot. Joe pauses, as if he heard it but doesn’t know what it was.)

JOE
I mean, I could really make my mark. I could write 365 sketches, and they would be good sketches too, not cliché ridden crap like everyone else is doing. Hell, it might even get me laid!

(We hear a sad trombone. Joe definitely hears it this time.)

JOE
What is that? Who’s there?

(We hear the Porky Pig ending to Warner Brothers cartoons. (“Ba dee, ba dee, ba dee, that’s all folks”!) And then another comic sound effect.)

JOE
I don’t know what you’re game is, but (he picks up a stapler) I’ve got a gun. Actually, it’s a stapler, because I am against gun violence, but I’m holding it like a gun. And I will not hesitate to staple you. I am not against staple violence.

(A CRAZY MAN enters.)

CRAZY MAN
Okay, okay, I say “PUT THAT STAPLER DOWN!” and then you say “YOU’RE A BAD STAPLER!” (laughs hysterically) Then dick joke, dick joke, dick joke, VAGINA! (laughs hysterically)

JOE
Who the hell are you?

CRAZY MAN
Okay, okay, Who’s on First. What’s on Second. I’M ON THIRD! (Pause) WHO AM I? I SAID WHO AM I?

JOE
I, I don’t know.

CRAZY MAN
GIVE THAT MAN A DOLLAR!

JOE
Who are you?

CRAZY MAN
What is this, A RELATIONSHIP SCENE!? (laughs hysterically) TAKE MY WIFE, PLEASE! (rimshot)

JOE
I think I’m going to call security!

CRAZY MAN
Why did the chicken swim like a duck? Because Violets in Garlic Sauce! (rimshot) But that makes no sense! Soooooo—IT MUST BE A DADA SCENE!

JOE
Look, I don’t—this isn’t quite dada. Dada is actually a cultural movement that began in Zürich, Switzerland, during World War I and peaked during--

CRAZY MAN
Hey asshole! I’m the ghost of Roger Casey! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, I’LL BE HERE ALL WEEK!

JOE
Listen, I don’t know what’s going on here, but--

CRAZY MAN lunges at JOE, grabbing him around the neck. He rambles.

CRAZY MAN
365! 365! 364 DID THIS TO ME BUT I NEED IT! I NEED 365!

JOE
You’re hurting me!

CRAZY MAN
Something that’ll KILL ‘em! That will leave ‘em ROLLING IN THE AISLES! GIVE IT TO ME!! 365!!

JOE
Help! Somebody help me!

(Suddenly, there’s a bright light upstage. A figure stands in the light.)

WOMAN’S VOICE (O.S)
ROGER CASEY--THE POWER OF PULITZER COMPELS YOU! BACK TO HELL WITH THEE!

(CRAZY MAN lets go and shrinks. He starts to slink off stage. Before he exits--)

CRAZY MAN
Beware 364! Tip your waitress. Try the veal.

(CRAZY MAN holds up an applause sign, waits for applause, then exits. The bright light from upstage is extinguished, revealing a young African American WOMAN with long braided hair.)

WOMAN
Joe Janes, I presume. I love your alliteration.

JOE
What is going on? Who-who are you?

WOMAN
I’m the ghost of Suzan-Lori Parks, MacArthur Foundation “Genius” and Pulitzer Prize winner for my play, Topdog/Underdog.

JOE
But Suzan-Lori Parks isn’t dead. How can you be a ghost?

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
Pulitzer Prize winner Suzan-Lori Parks, thank you, and, I’ll be whatever I want. What have you ever won, Joe Janes?

JOE
I won an Emmy once.

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
Primetime Emmy or Regional Emmy?

JOE
Well, I mean...

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
Look, Joe: I’m not here to talk about who won what Genius grant and when – I did, in 2001 – I’m here to talk about the incredible journey you’re about to embark on.

JOE
The lay-off?

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
365! The quest for that glorious number.

JOE
Oh, I don’t know about all that. I’m rethinking the whole thing after the attack of Roger Casey’s ghost.

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
It’s very hard to do, Joe, but it can be done. I should know; I did it. 365 Days/365 Plays. But writing 365 of anything is not for the weak of heart.

JOE
Um, I read some of those plays and really, they weren’t very good.

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
(Grabbing Joe) Quality doesn’t matter! A lesser writer crumbles at 364! As you’ve seen! But the reward...the reward is great, my friend.

JOE
Getting laid.

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
(Looking him up and down.) That’s probably not gonna happen for you BUT there is this: the next time you’re teaching a writing workshop at New York University, and one of your students says ”I have writer’s block,” you can say, ”Writer’s block?! I wrote 365 sketches in 365 days! WRITER’S BLOCK DOESN’T EXIST, ASSHAT!”

JOE
That does sound pretty great. An excuse to use the word “asshat.”

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
First, I need to show you something. Grab on to my braids.

JOE
Where are we going?

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
My secret hideaway, nestled high above the earth in the Himalaya Mountains!

(JOE grabs SUZAN-LORI PARKS’ braids. They are magically transported one way or another to SUZAN-LORI PARKS’ hideaway, which is a simple room in the Himalaya Mountains.)

JOE
Hey, this looks just like the Second City Training Center’s Teachers’ lounge.

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
It’s a recreation for your benefit because to be able to conquer 365 sketches you must first be able to transcend all of your fears. In order to have the mental strength to make it to 365 you must go on a soul searching expedition. Through that bathroom door marked “For Faculty Use Only” is what I call “The Fearinator.”

(Joe groans disgustedly.)

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
Lay off, it’s tough thinking of clever names. Once you have entered the Fearinator your trial will begin. If you survive the trial you will gain the mental strength required to tackle the task of 365 sketches. If you fail, well, you can still teach. Fare thee well, Joe Janes.

(She motions toward the bathroom door. Joe walks through hesitantly and on the other side is a bare stage. He stands for a moment, but no one is there.)

JOE
Hello? This isn’t so scary. It’s just a bare stage.

(The light suddenly go black and we hear some loud, fun scene change music. We also hear some actors moving chairs and setting a scene. When the lights come up, Joe is standing off to the side. BRET, TAMMY, BOB, TOM and others are seated in chairs and motion toward him.)

TAMMY
Joe! We didn’t think you’d make it! Sherry’s coming up the stairs now.

(JOE seems a little woozy and makes his way over towards the couch. Everyone is quietly talking. Sherry enters. She is wearing a bee-hive wig, torn clothing, and her make-up is a mess.)

SHERRY
What’s going on?

BRET
Sherry, all of your friends and family are here today to help you with your problem.

SHERRY
Problem? I don’t have a problem?

BRET
Sherry, this is an intervention.

JOE
Oh no. Oh dear God no, not an intervention scene!

(As the scene continues JOE becomes more and more exhausted, distraught, disgusted, and gradually weaker.)

BRET
We’re here to help you with your Amy Winehouse-itis. Your friends and family have become very concerned.

SHERRY
So I like to party a little, so what? I’m not hurting anyone. I do not have Amy Winehouse-itis.

JOE
No… the fake celebrity disease trick. My God, I’m stuck in a shitty scene!

TAMMY
Oh Sherry. What went wrong? I know things haven’t been the same since your father died from cancerous AIDS. And sure, we all like to occasionally get our slippery fur-box stuffed full of thick veiny cock, but you’ve taken it too far.

JOE
That’s pointless shock value… uuuuughh…

BOB
I’d like to say something SHIT COCK ASS! Sorry, my Tourette’s acts up when I feel stress. COCK SHIT FUCKLOAD! Sorry. I just hope my Alzheimer’s… where am I? Who are FUCKING SHIT FUCK are you people?

JOE
No… no more…

TOM
Sherry, me and Bret have been getting together every night to try and figure out the best way to help you. We have put in some long, hard nights.

BRET
We sure have Tom. Real looong and haaaaard nights pumping each other for ideas.

TOM
We have emptied our idea juice all over each other trying to figure this out.

JOE
Badly disguised homosexual overtones… please… make it stop!

(Everyone stops and looks at Joe.)

BRET
Joe, wouldn’t you like to say something?

JOE
No… no… this sketch… it’s too horrible!

TAMMY
Come on Joe, you have to participate in the scene.

JOE
Sher… Sherry… Obama’s healthcare reform will give you access to cutting edge treatment, if it ever gets passed. Am I right?

(The whole group laughs.)

BRET
And…..

(JOE can hardly even stand at this point.)

JOE
I can’t… the story is unfinished. It’s all shock and awe…

(Everyone ad libs “C’mon Joe, join in.” “Participate.” “Become one of us.” etc.)

JOE
(Struggling) And . . . another thing Sherry; You going out and . . . getting all messed up is about as foolish as . . . as our invasion of Iraq?

BRET
Nice try, Joe, but I think what you really meant to say was: It’s about as foolish as wearing your PANTS ON THE GROUND!

(The whole group, sans JOE, starts singing. JOE continues to wail and sob and scream.)

EVERYONE
Pants on the ground! Pants on the ground! Call yourself a cool cat, lookin’ like a fool. Walkin! Talkin, with your pants on the ground!

JOE
(over their singing) No! No! Stop it--this is the worst scene ever! Nooooooooooo!

(The lights come down and more loud music kicks in. After a moment, lights up.)

BRET
Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Now we’re going to change things up a bit and do our semi-improv portion of the sketch show.

JOE
Noooooooooo!

(The lights change again as JOE goes running back through the bathroom door. There are a few seconds of weird lights and sounds, like strange laughing and bad improvised lines, dick and fart jokes, and the like. Once Joe makes it through the door the lights come back up. He collapses, out of breath and sobbing.)

JOE
I couldn’t do it! I just couldn’t--fucking hacks!

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
But you survived! You are ready!

JOE
But I didn’t make it to the end of the Fearinator.

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
Oh, don’t worry, no one ever makes it through the improv portion. It’s only the real sketch comedy writers that are wise enough to leave when that crazy shit starts. So now you are ready.

JOE
Do you really think I can do it?

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
Yes. You have it in you. Just avoid cliches, observe your world to get inspired, and if you find yourself getting stuck, write a blackout. Or a relationship scene. You’ll probably write a shit load of those in the coming year.

JOE
Thank you, Suzan-Lori Parks. I’m ready. I am going to explore comic situations and relationships. The fish out of water will be my best friend! My contexts will clash like titans! I am going to write the best 365 sketches the world has ever seen! It’s going to be wonderful!

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
Sure, sure, whatever. But listen, Joe, there is one final test.

JOE
What’s that?

(A MAN IN A CHICKEN SUIT enters.)

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
You have to have sex with this man in a chicken suit.

JOE
Why?

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
Because we bought a chicken suit and we needed to make use of it.

JOE
But, I don’t want to--

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
(Cuts him off.) For your art, Joe Janes! For your art!

(Joe sighs and makes peace with the fact that he will have to get fucked by a chicken.)

SUZAN-LORI PARKS
Good luck Joe Janes. I would say something funny as I exit, but I’m going to leave that for your rewrite. And I’ve never been good at saying good bye. So fuck you.

(Suzan-Lori Parks grabs her braids and flies herself offstage. Joe stares at the Man In A Chicken Suit for a moment.)

MAN IN A CHICKEN SUIT
Hi, I’m Randy.

JOE
We’re not really going to have sex, are we?

(The Man in the Chicken Suit reaches over and turns on a radio on Joe’s desk. We hear “Let’s Get It On.” He starts dancing at a terrified Joe as lights fade.)

FADE TO BLACK

A Thing Joe Wrote

You probably haven’t heard much about RvD’s other project—participating in Joe’s 365 Sketches Festival--so here are some tids and bits about it:

A few months ago, Joe asked me to direct a show for his 365 project. After carefully and deliberately reading all 365 scenes he wrote last year (okay, I had been reading them as I went, and I think I have read all but maybe a handful) I decided on a nice little block called “A Thing I Wrote.” (Get yer tickets! Get yer tickets here!) There were a couple of scenes that jumped out at me, one of which being a Sherlock Holmes murder mystery titled “The Case of the Speckled Bullet.” I was also fond of staging a scene featuring King Kong, and there were a few others I liked as well.

I decided early on that I’d like this to an RvD joint, since we are Joe’s soul mates (cell mates?) and I knew we would have a lot of fun. Once we figured out a night that most of us could meet (Wednesdays) we set the rehearsal schedule and have been rehearsing for the last three weeks.

Now for some reason, and I don’t know what that reason is (okay, vanity, you caught me) I decided I would also like to perform in this little powerhouse of scenes. Truthfully, I really wanted to butcher an English accent in the Sherlock Holmes scene, so sue me. I’ve always enjoyed performing, but I’m a little rusty as it’s been about three years since I’ve done any real acting other than some understudy stuff and a walk on role here and there. Add to that the challenge of directing myself and the rest of the cast and, well, it’s been an interesting mess inside my brain. It hasn’t helped matters that RvD is also prepping our next show, 12 Angry Sketches (see side bar for details), that opens at Donny’s Skybox on June 4 (just 5 days before our 365 show). So I’ve been busy.

Good organized thing I’m.

As far as the acting goes, I think I can pull it off because so far no one has seen through my calm and cool exterior to realize that I am FREAKING OUT ON THE INSIDE!

Rehearsals have helped to calm me down though, because I have a cracker jack cast (I always wanted to use that phrase and it fits so I’m using it). Most of the cast are veteran RvD writers and performers. They are, in order of the size of their genetilia: Mike Bauman, Geoff Crump, Becca Levine, myself, Nat Topping and Mackenzie Yeager. Mackenzie is the one newbie in the group but she comes with great credentials and has rapidly gotten used to our shorthand way of communicating, mostly through dick jokes and obscene hand gestures. These guys are all good enough that if it comes down to it I can just hide behind them and they can run with the show and only my Mom would miss me.

Thus far we have blocked everything but our special silent scene and will be running and working and working and running scenes going forward. I block fairly quickly and I think that went smoothly, but we had a helluva fight on our hands wrestling the lyrics to “A Gospel Song for Atheists” so they would fit with music. (No fair changing Joe’s words, we somehow made the music fit.) And I would be petty if didn’t thank Joe for rhyming “spaghetti.”

I have also had some fun with the title scene (“A Thing I Wrote” in case your forgot), breaking it up and sprinkling it throughout so that it sort of forms the spine of the show (very much the way RvD likes to do things). It features a glasses wearing, slightly balding, comedy writer character that I can only say is very much like someone you know if you have read this far into this blog entry and I shall do my best to do this character justice.

Ahem. I’ve said too much.

Wednesday, June 9 (paired up with “Fools Rush In Where Angels Fear To Treadmill” which starts at 8 p.m.) Our show will begin shortly after theirs ends and it’s only $10 for both shows! Get yer tickets here!

“A Thing I Wrote” (Director - Chris Othic. Cast: Mike Bauman, Geoff Crump, Becca Levine, Chris Othic, Nat Topping, Mackenzie Yeager)

FW: Audition Notice for 365 Sketches

This is an Audition Notice for the 365 Sketches project, written by RvD Mastermind Joe Janes.  Any of you actors or would-be comedians, this is for you:

45 Minutes Productions and WNEP Theater announce auditions for “365 Sketches”


26 different sketch comedy revues done in ten nights to showcase the 365 sketches written in 365 days by Second City Instructor Joe Janes.

The shows are June 3 - 13 and will take place at Strawdog Theater in Hugan Hall.


WHERE: Zoo Studios, 4001 N. Ravenswood (just off the Irving Park Brown Line) Basement

WHEN: Saturday, March 27 from 11AM – 6PM

WHAT: Small group auditions – improvisation and cold readings


To schedule a place in one of our seven 45-minute slots, email Joe at joejanes1065@gmail.com and we’ll get back to you with a time for Saturday.


Directors include:

Rich Baker
Mary Jo Bolduc
Regan Davis
Becky Eldridge
Jen Ellison
Jason Fleece
Lillie Frances
Rose Kruger
Rebecca Langguth
Bina Martin
Scott Olson
Chris Othic
Rinska Prestinary
Amanda Rountree
Tony Soto
Rachel Staelens
Derek Van Tassel
Trish Vignola
Rebekah Walendzak
Wendi Weber

In addition to Joe, the project also includes none other than our very own RvD member Chris Othic, and former "Satan" from "Are You There God? It's Me, Satan" Trish Vignola.

Santa's Shitty Scene Swap

Last year around the holidays the RvD writers gathered around the yule log and started what looks like is to become an annual tradition: Santa’s Shitty Scene Swap. Rewriting is at the core of this extremely fun exercise because each writer brings in a scene that they are done messing with, or can’t figure out what to do with, or one that’s just plain shitty and not worth further rewrites (in their eyes). We take turns drawing names out of a hat and reading these shitty scenes, and whatever scene you end up with is the scene you will do a rewrite on.

Whoever does the rewrite can simply do a new version, or just take a nugget of an idea from the scene and start over. One and all, that’s what we did last year. The real lesson in this exercise is that you shouldn’t get married to your original idea, because you might have the grain of an idea that can really be turned into an entirely different scene. A lot of the rewrites we had were more or less unrecognizable from their original versions, but you can definitely see what the writer took from the old scene. And I think two of these scenes actually made it into RvD shows this year--which would have never been the case based on the original shitty scenes!

As an example of how our rewrites looked, below is Joe Janes’ Santa’s Shitty Scene Swap submission (say that three times fast) from last year, and below that is my rewrite. Check it and see what you think.

In the meantime, I have to go through all my old files and find another shitty scene for this year’s swap, which means it’s definitely a tradition!

WAKE UP TO COFFEE
By Joe Janes
(Undated)

CAST

BOB
TED
FUNERAL DIRECTOR

(Camera opens on two well-dressed guys standing in front of what appears to be a table with coffee and pastries on it. They both are drinking cups of coffee from cups and saucers.)

BOB
One helluva wake, eh Ted?

TED
Yep. One helluva wake, Bob. But you know, Jim was always that kind of person. You could look at him and say, “Sheesh, what a gut. I’ll bet he’ll have one helluva wake.” And he did. One helluva wake.

BOB
Yep. One helluva wake.

TED
One helluva wake.

BOB
Yep, one helluva wake. I can’t remember one better. When Ralph Smucker’s wife died, in that grape jelly accident, she had one heck of a wake. Nothing like this though. This is one helluva wake. Have you tried the sticky buns?

(Camera pans back to reveal coffee and pastries are set up on the lower half of a coffin. The upper half is open and Jim is resting peacefully. Ted reaches for more coffee.)

TED
Sticky buns, sticky fingers. (They share a laugh.) No coffee! Jim knows I need my coffee! A man dies and nobody bothers to make an adequate supply of coffee! Not that he’d drink any of it, but you’d think they’d keep enough in stock! I need my coffee! I need my caffeine! I’m bitchy!

BOB
Gosh, Ted, take it easy.

TED
Take it easy! That bastard! He knows I need my coffee! You bastard! You bastard!

(Ted begins to strangle Jim. Bob tries to restrain him. People in the background stop what they’re doing and watch. The funeral director breaks them up.)

F.D.
Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Please don’t handle the deceased! The other mourners are trying to enjoy their croissants!

BOB
Croissants? We didn’t get any croissants.

F.D.
Only the immediate family gets croissants.

BOB
You bastard! We were best friends and you didn’t give us any croissants! You bastard! Oops!

(Bob begins to strangle Jim. Jim’s head pops off. A woman in the background faints. The F.D. picks up the head daintily by the nose. He replaces the head.)

F.D.
Look what you’ve done! I hope you’re satisfied. Acting like a couple of kids. It just so happens I have a few corn dogs left over from a wake yesterday. If you had behaved, I would’ve considered giving them to you.

BOB
Corn dogs? Gee, Mister. I’m sorry.

TED
Me, too, Mister. I’m really sorry, too.

F.D.
Do you two promise to behave yourselves?

BOB & TED
Uhunh.

F.D.
Do you promise to stop touching the deceased?

BOB & TED
We promise.

F.D.
I don’t know.

BOB & TED
Please, please. We’ll be good.

F.D.
Oh, very well.

(The F.D. snaps his fingers and a pair of big hairy arms and hands from off camera hand him the corn dogs. He in turn gives them to Bob and Ted.)

BOB & TED
Yeah!!!

F.D.
Here. Now what do you say?

BOB & TED
Thank you!

F.D.
I’ll be keeping an eye on you two.

BOB
Not to worry.

(The F.D. exits.)

TED
No more trouble from us.

(Pause. They sit. Pause. They both eat their corn dogs.)

BOB
This wake really sucks, eh Ted?

TED
Yep. It really sucks, Bob.

(FADE TO BLACK.)

**************************************

Chris Othic
“FUNERAL”
January 21, 2009 (Version 1)

CAST
BOB
TED
REVEREND POWELL
BETH
PALLBEARER 1
PALLBEARER 2
MOURNERS

(BOB and TED are in a funeral parlor. They each have a drink. There is a casket, and flowers, and an assortment of folks weeping.)

BOB
Man, I can’t believe Jim is gone. One day he’s there, and the next thing you know he’s gone. He should have given up the motorcycle a long time ago.

TED
It was his time. What a tragedy. It’s awesome that he had a bar set up at his funeral though.

BOB
But a cash bar? That’s kind of tacky, isn’t it?

TED
And poor Beth, I don’t know how she’s gonna get by. They were basically broke. I don’t even know how she’s paying for the funeral.

(Reverend Powell steps forward.)

REVEREND POWELL
Please gather around as we take a moment to honor the life of Jim Weldon, husband and friend to so many. But first, the widow Weldon would like to speak.

BETH
Thank you all for coming. It really makes things easy in these hard times. Jim would have been happy to know he had so many friends. And it’s good he had so many, because in order to pay for this funeral, we’ve decided to charge a ten dollar cover.

(There is a murmur.)

BETH
I’m so sorry to have to do it, but there’s just no other way to pay for the funeral. It’s either this or bury my Jimmy in a cardboard box. The pallbearers will be around to collect. Kids under 12 are only five dollars. 3 and under is free with one paid adult admission. And sorry, no seniors discounts.

(A couple of pall bearers start to pass a hat.)

TED
A cover charge? Ironic, isn’t it.

BOB
Jim would go out of his way to avoid a cover. I doubt he would approve of this.

TED
And I doubt that ten bucks a head will pay for this funeral, anyway.

REVEREND POWELL
Thank you all for understanding. Now then, let us say a short prayer:

Eternal rest, grant unto them, O Lord,
and let perpetual light shine upon them.
May the souls of the faithful departed
through the mercy of God rest in peace.
And Oh Lord, let them know, that they may receive
A Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny’s that is Heavenly.
And affordable. Amen.

That prayer was brought to you by the local Denny’s, one of our funereal sponsors.

TED
They have sponsors?

BOB
I wondered what all those signs were over by the flowers arrangements. It looks like the outfield wall at Dodger Stadium.

TED
Bob would be pissed if he saw that Honda was a sponsor. He died on a Harley.

(The Pall Bearers stand.)

PALL BEARER 1
Thanks everyone for coming. We’d like to sing this song for our good friend Jim, who always appreciated a good Negro Spiritual.

BETH
And a Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny’s. Sorry, they paid for three mentions during the funeral. Just giving them their money’s worth.

PALL BEARERS
Swing low, sweet chariot,
Comin' for to carry me home;
Swing low, sweet chariot,
Comin' for to carry me to a:

(The Pall Bearers start to sway and break into the Subway song.)

PALL BEARERS (CONT’D)
Five. Five Dollar. Five Dollar Foot Long.
We know that Jim is gone!
Subway! Eat Fresh!

BETH
I’d like to point out that Subway has also donated a couple of six footers for the after funeral gathering. Please consider them in the future when you are hungry.

BOB
But Jim didn’t even like Subway! He was a Quizno’s man, all the way!

BETH
Well, Subway is his friend in death.

REVEREND POWELL
Let me take a moment to point out that before the final viewing of the body, there is a merchandise stand outside the chapel where you can buy DVD screeners of the funeral for home viewing, snacks for the internment, and T-Shirts or Hoodies honoring the deceased that Beth had printed last night. Can one of you fellas bring one up?

(Pall Bearer 1 brings up a T-Shirt and holds it up. It’s just a picture of a torso with no head and says “RIP Jim” on it.)

TED
You’d think they would have taken the picture before the accident.

PALL BEARER 1
We have ones in red, and also pink for the ladies.

PALL BEARER 2
And we’re all out of extra larges.

(A couple people mumble in disappointment.)

REVEREND POWELL
Okay, will folks please come up and pay their respects before we move out to the cemetery for the internment.

BETH
That’s an additional five dollars. Cash only, please.

TED
Are you going up?

BOB
I’m not paying $5.

TED
Come on. Don’t you want to see what they did with his head? I’ll cover you.

(Bob and Ted pay Beth and walk up to the casket.)

BOB
Wow.

TED
That’s a little over the top, don’t you think?

BOB
It’s a wheel of cheese.

BETH
That’s head cheese from the Cheese Barrel. We’re serving that at the after dinner, too.

TED
The smiley face is a nice touch. He looks happy.

BOB
This is ridiculous. He looks like a Nascar Driver. Jim hated Nascar.

BETH
But their economic model works great for a funeral. I just wish I could’ve got more sponsors to put on the coffin.

BOB
Whoa! What’s going on down there?

BETH
The embalming was sponsored by Viagra.

BOB
Well, they could have at least had him wear some pants.

BETH
Advertising is all about exposure. It made up for the fact that we couldn’t get a tattoo on his forehead.

TED
(To Beth.) I can see why you miss him, though.

BETH
He was a good man. Horrible with money, though. He sure put me in a bind here. We’re still a few dollars short. Reverend, any suggestions?

REVEREND POWELL
Everyone! Everyone! Beth has fallen just a few dollars short of her goal to pay for the funeral. So we have decided to take a page from the wedding playbook, and we are offering a one dollar dance with Jim’s body. Pallbearers, if you could give me hand.

(The pallbearers start to pull a headless Jim out of the casket.)

BOB
Let’s go.

BETH
Denny’s! That’s three.

BLACKOUT

CAPTION THIS WINNER!!

And the winner is . . . Mr. Joe Janes with this little gem:

"And now . . . the wind section."

I liked his entry because it was short and sweet and sort of low brow without actually being low brow. Joe will be getting his prize the next time I see him.

Special thanks also to Mike Harris, who obviously knew the real story "behind" this photo, which I will share with you now. This photo was taken when I did some stand up comedy at my office holiday party back in December of 2005. In case you didn't know, I work at a law firm where I am a secretary, and the also the only male secretary in the firm. Here is the joke that more or less used this pose:

“I thought it would be fun if I got a bunch of guys together that are in these sort of female dominated jobs, and we could do one of those beefcake calendars. You know? You could have the little male nurse, with his little needle. [pose] Or the guy behind the cosmetic counter, maybe spraying some perfume. [pose] Oh, and here would be me, typing at my keyboard. [pose]”

Actually, I changed it up a bit, as you can see in the video below. I think the final turned out much better.



Also, for your reading enjoyment, here is the text of the entire routine. This is actually quite a bit different than what is on the video, as I think this is my final written version of the routine, and then over the last week or so of rehearsing I made quite a few cuts and changes. I’ll talk about my rather limited experience doing stand up in a future blog post.

Once again, congrats to Joe and thanks to everyone who submitted a caption.

Chris Othic's GCD Idol Routine:

I know, I know what’s going on here. “Hey let’s put the male secretary up on stage.” Look at the freak, everyone! And I know what you’re saying. I hear the whispers. “He’s not like the female secretaries.” “He never bakes anything.” “I hear he can pee standing up.”

Hey there is nothing wrong with being a male secretary. I know it doesn’t sound very manly, but you should see what I use to hit the space bar. [Then just glance down between your legs and smile knowingly]

I thought it would be fun if I got a bunch of guys together that are in these sort of female dominated jobs, and we could do one of those beefcake calendars. You know? You could have the little male nurse, with his little needle. [pose] Or the guy behind the cosmetic counter, maybe spraying some perfume. [pose] Oh, and here would be me at my keyboard. [pose] Ah, it’s a bad idea. Nobody would want to see those other guys in their speedos.

I’ve noticed that there are two kinds of people around the law firm: the staple people and the paper clip people. I’m a staple guy, you know? It’s just more fun. Like when you’re attorney makes you mad, you can staple with an attitude. (Act out an imaginary confrontation.) “You need this document right now? Oh yeah? I shall staple it for you! {staple angrily, twice] Bam, Bam. Here you go. Those sheets of paper shall remain fastened together, forever!” You can’t really get that satisfaction out of a paper clip. It’s like (Act out a similar imaginary confrontation.) “You need this document right now? Oh yeah? I shall paper clip it for you.” [Act out trying to retrieve paperclip from holder, very delicately] (Meekly) I can’t get just one clip, they’re stuck together. It’s because of their trombone shape! [Retrieve clip, angrily put it on paper.] (Confrontational) Here you go! Those sheets of paper shall remain—oh yeah, you’re right, I should have used a binder clip. Dammit!” Sometimes I hold the stapler sideways, too, like I’m one of those gangstas about to pop a cap into a severance agreement. “Oh yeah! Take this sucka!” You should see what I do with the three hole punch.

This is sort of depressing, if you’re a lawyer, but that your job consists of basically coming to work, day in and day out, and for the rest of your life, having a term paper due every three days. I mean that sounds awful, doesn’t it? Is there any job that would suck worse than that? Oh yeah, I know: The only job worse than that would be having to type somebody else’s term paper every three days. Talk about a sucky job! Hey, wait a minute . . .

Speaking of stuff that sucks, how about this: Paper cuts. You ever get one of those? Little bitty cut, hurts like hell, and won’t stop bleeding NO MATTER WHAT. (Demonstrating) You got the Band-Aids and the wrapping of the gauze and your sucking on it and it’s getting all over your desk and the papers and it just keeps on coming and at some point (pause for effect) isn’t it just easier to hand a bloody document to your attorney? It’s like, “You know what, let’s just come to an agreement, we’re going to have blood on the documents today, okay? It’s my blood, I don’t have any infectious diseases, we’re both type O, we should be fine.”

And here’s a little secret they aren’t telling you. You know some of the folks who (finger quotes) “supposedly” left the firm? (pause, look around suspiciously.) Papercutted to death. Oh, yeah, hey it’s not funny. Damn you manilla folders!

And I have to be extra careful about papercuts because when you do as much typing as I do, any type of finger injury can be a huge problem. Like, this past spring, I jammed my finger playing softball. There’s me, rolling around on the ground, holding my finger, and my teammates were like, “Why are you crying? It’s just your pinkie.” And I told them, “You don’t understand, it’s not just my pinkie, that’s my semi-colon finger!” (Holding up pinkie.)

You can laugh about a potentially career ending injury if you want, but it’s a big thing to me. Because what most people don’t know is I can type 870 words per minute. That’s right. 870 words per minute. You don’t believe me? Check this out. [Demonstrate: I SPACE , I SPACE, I SPACE, I SPACE, A SPACE, A SPACE, A SPACE, A SPACE, I SPACE, A SPACE, I SPACE, A SPACE. (pause) Semicolon. [Holding up fingers and blowing on them like they are smoking guns.] Hey, you don’t think that’s worth a 4 percent raise every year? You can spell check it if you want. No errors.

Typing isn’t my only skill. I also know how to sneak porn in through the GCD firewall. Yeah, and they don’t think I’m partner material.

RoboWriters Wednesday!

The Assignment

Write a scene based on a moment in history.

There are a few ways to approach this...

1) Literally, show us your twisted take on the moment. Have your scene take place on the boat when Washington crossed the Delaware.
2) Show us the moment before.
3) Show us the moment after.
4) Peripherally show us. Maybe the scene is about two guys on the dock or between two of the soldiers in the back of the crowded boat.

And don't forget the option of Clash of Context or genre parody. Washington crossing the Delaware might be a nice Clash of Context with the film Titanic.

VIDEOS!

Here are two videos I made out of the editing class I took last week.

Cubby Wadsworth's Drive-Thru Zoo - watch more funny videos

Sketch 137 - "How To Write A Comedy Sketch" - watch more funny videos

The Return of the Maginicent RoboWriters

RoboWriters is a weekly drop-in workshop for sketch comedy writers of all levels. Come to get feedback on a scene you are already working on. Come to get ideas for new scenes. Come to hang out, read scenes, meet other writers.

Kick off is Sunday, April 26th from 6-8ish. This will be in room 101 of The Second City Training Center (first floor of Piper's Alley, past the security desk near the escalators). Like the normal coaching tradition, everyone will be asked to throw in five bucks for the workshop leader. All workshop leaders are members of Robot vs Dinosaur. The leader for the 26th will be Joe Janes. If you have an interested friend, feel free to bring them along!

MEET THE WRITERS

As we are just beginning to post regularly on this blog, and there are a whole gang of us, I thought I would take a moment to introduce the writers of Robot vs. Dinosaur to you. So here they are below, in alphabetical and/or order of (take your pick) importance, intelligence, level of humor, penis/vagina length or monetary worth:

Mike Bauman - Mike is our short sketch expert who apparently receives only two television channels at his home, both of which are broadcasts from 1962. Mike and Geoff both hail from Buffalo, New York, as they drink shitty Canadian beer and seem to be proud of this fact (that they are from Buffalo, not that they drink shitty Canadian beer). Virtually every Bauman sketch can be rewritten to include references to According to Jim.

Geoff Crump - Easily the most twisted member of the group, and by a wide (right) margin. He and Nat were apparently linked before birth by a strange astral penis that they shared. He is the diametric opposite of Chris, to the point that if they ever occupied the same temporal space at the same point in time, it would result in an explosion that Geoff and Chris would argue endlessly about whether said explosion was funny (Geoff) or not funny (Chris).

Joe Janes - The Artistic Director and master mind of RvD. The Charlie to our Angels. Joe brought us all together (most of us are leftovers from the former Teatro Bastardo), nurtured us and fed us with his mind milk. He claims to have an Emmy somewhere, but we are starting to think that this was not an award, but rather a Girl Scout that he has locked in a basement somewhere. He obviously wrote a lot of stuff in the 1980’s that has never been seen, because he frequently brings it to our writers' meetings and says “Here’s something I wrote back in the 1980’s that has never been seen.”

Joe Linstroth - Joe is our writer in absentia who is currently off getting educated. He is known for writing long, languid sketches that linger with luxurious language. In other words, incredibly lurid stuff. And by lurid I mean gay. Joe is responsible for writing the single, absolutely gayest sketch in history complete with men gently caressing each other while pouring flowery speeches from their handsome lips. He can also write a mean dick joke.

Nat Topping - Nat is a bear of man. Legend has it he possesses an incredibly large penis that has mythical properties and he always finds a way to make this a relevant point in every conversation he ever has. He will on occasion even pull out this magically improvised schlong and reel it back in like a fisherman, usually to the delight of the other writers in the room. He once wrote a 14-page sketch that featured a man having sex with a tree, yet he judges others for writing scenes that features men having sex with more conventional items, like robots. He has a magnificent beard.

Catherine Monahan - Our newest and most female member. At some point last year, we decided we needed more hormones in the room, hormones that didn’t smell like beer farts. So we went to the lady store and got Catherine. She has not disappointed us. We are excited and mystified by this feminine creature, who we hope will help us think of new and more delicate ways to write better dick jokes.

Chris Othic - Possibly the most brilliant (and humble) writer in the group. He is also the organizer, mother and oftentimes whipping boy for the gang. He is known mostly for his undying love of all things Enya, providing pitchers of lemony water for writers’ meetings and giving the same writing notes no matter what the scene (too long, cut the first page, no page numbers, needs a staple). Legend has it he was a former member of the Missouri Army National Guard, but turned his back on his country when the Cold War ended because he had no place in a brave new world without a clearly defined enemy.

Greg Wendling - Greg is easily the nicest member of the group, and its most gentle lover. He generally starts out every scene with the line “Dad, I need a hug,” and somehow this is not a liability. In some alternate reality, Greg and Chris are writing jokes in a room while dangling about in a sex swing and Geoff and Nat are mocking them while eating candied almonds from a paper cone. Greg could take that last sentence and write a comic ballad about it that would make you weep with joy.