February: Worst Month Ever

This is not just my uninformed rambling hatred of the month speaking here. It’s a universally accepted truth that February is the least enjoyable month out of the twelve.

February is named after the Latin word ‘februum,’ which means purification. Doesn’t that sound like a blast? Alternative names from throughout history include the Anglo-Saxon Solmanath, which means mud month, or Kalemonath, which means cabbage month. In Ukrainian, apparently the month is names after ice or hard frost.

Happy icy mud month of cabbage, everyone!

1. Here’s how much I dislike February: I’m going to make a numbered list of why it’s the worst month.
   
2. Of the three traditional winter months, February offers the fewest redeeming qualities. December: holidays. January: post New Year’s hang over and the promise of the fresh slate of the new year. February: COLD.
   
3. It is the shortest month of the year, which at first would seem to be a merciful blessing. In fact, the weird number of days (sometimes it’s 28, sometimes it’s 29) adds to the anxiety of dealing with the month.
   
4. It’s the last month of winter, which means our patience for winter has grown thin.
   
5. Most suicides out of any month. I heard that somewhere; can’t verify if it’s true but I’m going to assume that it is since February sucks.
   

Here another list of February holidays in order of least to most awful:

• Mardis Gras: You get to drink a lot, eat bad foods and flash breasts at people, but it’s immediately followed by Lent.
  
• Presidents Day: Only up this high because sometimes you might get the day off depending on who you work for. As far as what the holiday is actually about, I haven’t a clue.
  
• Valentines Day: depending on your life, this could be anywhere from a decent day to an unnecessarily stressful day to a horrific reminder of your continued loneliness.
  
• Groundhog Day: How much more shitty weather are we going to have left? A lot or a whole lot? Thank you, rodent.
  
• Flag Day of Canada: self explanatory.
  

That’s it. That’s all you have to look forward to this month. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news. But look on the bright side. Once February is over, you’ll have eleven more glorious months until another February rolls around.

So we have that going for us.

MOON!

Ah the 60’s – possibly one of the most tumultuous times in the history of our great nation. During that decade, important figures were assassinated left and right, various non-white, non-straight-male type peoples were demanding things like “rights” and “equality,” a lot of kids were getting shot at in the middle of a jungle and still more kids were at home smoking the doobs, tripping balls and sitting around in front of important buildings. Meanwhile, the old bastards who fought World War II were wondering what everyone was complaining about.

And during that time of great public angst, our fine nation’s government needed to take action. They needed to do something that would make everyone forget the fact that the nation was tearing apart at the seams and draw them together again into a warm, fuzzy cocoon of common achievement and distraction.

That’s why on July 20th, 1969, exactly forty years ago today, our government took an unprecedented step. They took three young astronauts, transported them to a sound stage in the middle of the Nevada desert, and faked a moon landing.

And thus began an American tradition: the tradition of faking large public events on a sound stage at Area 51 as a means of distracting people from the turmoil around them.

Today is an unofficial holiday of sorts. It’s a day to sit back and give thanks to our government for such government fabricated national distractions as:

The Granada Invasion
The Gulf War (the “good one” from the early 90’s)
The Monica Lewinsky Scandal
Hugo Chavez
‘N Sync
The 2004 and 2007 World Series Champion Red Sox
The Last 4 Years of George W Bush’s Presidency
Duran Duran
Sarah Palin
Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
The Fall of the Berlin Wall (FAAAKE!)
The 70’s (the entire decade)
The Food Network
All These Freaking Vampire Movies Coming Out All of a Sudden

God bless you all, and God bless bread and circuses!