Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Chris Watches The Watchmen? Oh nooooooooo!

I saw Watchmen this weekend at the IMAX at Navy Pier. I liked it. That’s my review. I’m not going to break down the story or tell you the history of the graphic novel, or tell you what a weirdo Alan Moore is, because you can get all that info just by Googling if you're not too lazy. But I do want to address a couple of things that everyone else is talking about in their reviews, as well as something that no one is mentioning.

First off, stop comparing this movie to The Dark Knight. Other than people in tights, DC comics, and the fact that both of these movies were better than 27 Dresses, they’re two totally different movies. ‘Nuf said.

Also, stop picking on Malin Ackerman. No, she is not Meryl Streep. No, we do not want Meryl Streep playing this role. No, Kate Winslet would not have done it, even though she would’ve had the chance to get naked. Again. But check this out:

Imagine that! Malin Ackerman looks great in spandex! She’s not a great actress, but you know what? For this movie, I would say, not a lot of acting required. It’s a comic book film, lots of melodrama. This role really just required a lot of cool posing, and Malin Ackerman is a cool poser.

Of course that last sentence came out poorly, but you get my meaning.

Speaking of Kate Winslet and nudity, I think she has met her match in the Blue Dong Man, don’t you? Of course I’m referring to the incredibly blue, incredibly powerful and incredibly naked Dr. Manhattan, but from now on he shall be known as Blue Dong Man. Look he's flashing everyone in the lunch room at work!

Let it be known right now that I think I have found this year’s Halloween costume! I'm going to eBay right now to see how much for a fake blue weenie.
While I'm gone try not to think about blue dong's. You can't do it, can you?
Okay, I'm back, and it looks like the Doc Johnson Mr. Softee 8 Inch Dildo, Baby Blue is available for $7.71, not including shipping. Score!

By far and away, Blue Dong Man was my favorite character in the movie. The most enjoyable part of the whole thing for me was imagining what the CGI guy that was in charge of animating the blue dong was going through. Do you not doubt that he shouted “Let’s put some pants on him, for chrissakes!” about twenty times a day? Do not worry, Blue Dong CGI Handler Guy, I think there is definitely an MTV Movie Award in your future, and rightfully so. That was the most realistic blue dong in the history of cinema. If they ever make an all CGI version of The Crying Game, you will be the first person they call.

I did have a few problems with the film. The sucky music I could live with, but I couldn’t get over the fact that Kelly Leak from the Bad News Bears grew up to be a child molester AND a psychopathic hero. He must have had a rough childhood to get from this:

To this:


Also, every time Ozymandias appeared on screen I was distracted because Siegfried and Roy never showed up. I kept waiting for them to at least be seen lazing around in the background of his lair.

They have to be at least cousins, right?

But my biggest problem was with Blue Dong Man. He kept taking me out of the film, not because of the hanging blue wonder, but because something about him kept nagging at me. It was like I had seen him before.

Then it dawned on me. Briar Street Theater in 2004. Boston in 2001. Vegas in 2007.

He definitely exists outside of time and space.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

beware, stupid fanboy comment!
so, malin is, obviously, very attractive. my main beef with her is that she was in that horrible ben stiller movie. every time that she opened her mouth, i thought she was going to scream "cock me, eddie! cock me!" christ.
also, that simon and garfunkel song playing at the funeral made me burst into laughter. it was such a cliche and so over-the-top.
and finally, maybe this is just me, but did they purposefully remove all traces of tobacco usage from this movie on purpose?