What The Cubs Really Need Is Me

Now that the Cubs have finally turned Lou Pinella into an old man, I would like to throw my hat in the ring to be their new manager. I don’t have a lot of qualifications but I did play high school baseball , leading the team in homeruns both my sophomore (2 taters) and junior (1 dinger) years and I also led the team in stolen bases (can’t remember) and was one of only about three players smart enough to wear a cup during most of the games.

What I can really bring to the table is some interesting strategies I learned from playing eight seasons of 16-inch co-ed softball. In those eight seasons, my teams won three championships, some second and third places and I even have one of those “participant” statues on my desk. It’s a little gold guy in a batting stance but if you ask me he was probably not very good because his batting stance is horrible, the bat is perpendicular to the ground and he doesn’t have enough weight on his back foot for my liking. Anyway, between my keen eye for statues with horrible batting stances and my handful of trophies, I think I’m the proven winner the Cubs need to get them out of their 100+ year slump.

Here are a few strategies I’ve learned that I would use if I was managing the Cubs:

Strategy 1. Put the best player as the lead off hitter and as the left fielder. I was the leadoff hitter for most of the years I played softball, and I also played left field. I assume they did this because I was the best player. So I would do this in the major leagues. Since the Cubs do not have anyone you could consider to be the best player, they should trade for Albert Pujols and make him play left field, which leads me to my next strategy.

Strategy 2. Trade for Albert Pujols. He is really good, and if he was on my co-ed softball team he would have batted first. And then I would bat second, except for the fact that a girl had to bat second, because it was co-ed and we had to bat guy, girl, guy, girl, etc. But in the major leagues there are no women players (even though there are some Japanese players and also some of the Cubs bat like girls), so you don’t have to worry about this. So just get Albert Pujols, bat him leadoff and make him play left field and start counting those championships.

Strategy 3. Make Carlos Zambrano play first base. On my softball team, no one wanted to play first base, so if you made the coach mad he or she would sometimes make you play first base as punishment. At the very least they should make Carlos have to bring a 12-pack of beer to every game, because if a player is being a pain in the ass in a softball league, they have to bring at least a 12-pack of beer to each game or nobody will put up with them. And if Carlos brings something cheap and crappy like Keystone you should break his balls for it and make him bring something better next time.

Strategy 4. Take down the outfield walls at Wrigley Field. When we played softball at Grant Park, there were no outfield walls. If you hit the ball through the outfield it would just keep rolling and rolling for an easy home run. I see the Cubs hit lots of balls off of the ivy, or balls that roll all the way to the ivy that end up as doubles instead of homers. If you took those walls down, the outfielders would have to chase the ball a long way down the street and it would be an easy home run. Also, when the other team comes up to bat, you can put the walls back up to make it harder for them to hit those rolling homeruns. Someone will have to invent this technology, though. I bet if we traded for Albert Pujols he could invent it. Albert Pujols can do anything.

Strategy 5. Use aluminum bats. I hit all of my home runs in high school when I switched from wooden bats to aluminum and I exclusively used aluminum bats in softball because you can hit the ball farther. I think if the Cubs switched to aluminum bats, they would hit a lot more home runs. This would be true whether or not we used Strategy 4. Aluminum bats are more expensive, but this is offset by the fact that they last a lot longer than wooden bats.

Strategy 6. When a fat player gets on base, have them pretend they are hurt. When a fat player in softball gets on base, you usually tell them to fake that they are hurt, and then the last person to make an out can come in and run for them. Hopefully this is someone fast and skinny. This strategy might back fire if you have too many fat players on your team as sometimes a fat player will fake an injury and then an even fatter player was the one to make the last out. Then you kind of go “well, we screwed ourselves on that maneuver.” But I think in the major leagues you could expect the fat players to kind of keep track of who made the last out, and if that player is fatter than they are then they should not fake an injury in that instance. I mean, come on, it’s the major leagues and the players should know a little bit about strategy. As the manager of the Cubs I would also try to keep up on this, and if say, Gio Soto got on base I might yell out “Hey, don’t fake an injury, Zambrano made the last out and he’s fatter than you are.” I would also tell Zambrano to fake an injury every time he got on base. Because he’s fat.

Strategy 7. My last, and most important strategy: Use 10 players in the field. In softball you can have 10 players in the field, and we usually went with 4 outfielders when a guy was batting and then we moved that extra fielder to the infield when a girl was batting. If I was managing the Cubs, I would use 10 players in the field and give them a huge advantage over the teams that are just using 9 players. I would put that extra fielder in the outfield on all batters except for when the opposing team’s pitcher or a Japanese player is batting. More than any strategy, I find this one to be the most useful.

So there you go. Please forward these strategies to the Ricketts family. I will be waiting for their call.

Bonus Strategy: Buy the Miami Heat and the NBA. If none of these strategies seem to work, I would just buy the Miami Heat, move them to Chicago, and change their name to the Chicago Cubs. Then I would buy the NBA and change their name to MLB. This would be really expensive, but should be good for at least 3 or 4 championships right there.

One of My Favorites

I wrote this clash of context scene waaaaay back in 2003 when I was going through the Second City Conservatory Writing Program. It’s always been one of my favorites as it’s one of the first scenes that I wrote that I considered to be good. I also submitted this as the writing sample that got me into my first sketch comedy group, Teatro Bastardo. This scene is pretty dated now, as all of the references are to former players and the White Sox have won the World Series since then, but I think most of the jokes still work. Of course I would change a few small things now to make it even better, but sometimes you have to let the old scenes go. At least it will live on in blogfamy. I'll have a few more thoughts on this at the end, once you've read it. I hope you enjoy.

"I’M A CUBS FAN"
March 11, 2004 (Version #3)

CAST
ROY (early 20’s)
DAD (late 40’s)
MOM (late 40’s)
CHARLIE (early 20’s)
JACKIE JR. (7)
MINNIE (late 20’s)

(COMISKEY PARK. ROY, MOM, DAD, CHARLIE, JACKIE JR. and MINNIE are all sitting in the bleachers. CHARLIE is talking on a cell phone while the others watch the game.)

ROY

What a great day for a ballgame, huh, Dad? Me and Charlie just want to thank you for getting us tickets.

CHARLIE

(To Dad) Yeah, thanks Jack. (Into phone) Oh, yeah, I’m still here Uncle Mike, I’m at the ballpark.

DAD

Is he gonna talk on that thing the whole game? I tell you. Hey, nothing better than the crosstown classic, ain’t that right everybody? Except for all these Cub fans coming down here to Comiskey lookin’ like a bunch of fairies in their Sammy Sosa jersey’s. (Yelling offstage) Go back to Wrigley ya powder puffs!

MOM

Oh, Jack, watch what you say in front of little Jackie, Jr.

JACKIE JR.

Can I get some cotton candy?

(He looks around for the vendor.)

MINNIE

You know Dad, they just want to enjoy the game like everybody else.

ROY

Say, Dad, I’ve been listening to what you’re saying and I’ve been wanting to tell you this for a while now and--

DAD

Oh, Frank Thomas is up! (Clapping) Let’s go, Frankie! Show ‘em how you do it!

ROY

And I’m tired of living a lie. (Beat) Dad, I’m a Cubs fan. There, I said it. I’m a Cubs fan.

DAD

You’re a what?!

MOM

Oh, dear. Cover your ears, Jackie.

MINNIE

That’s so great for you, Roy!

ROY

I’ve wanted to tell you all for a long time now. I’m tired of sneaking around and lying and pretending to be someone I’m not. I’m a Cubs fan, Dad, and I hope you can accept that. (Yelling.) White Sox suck!

DAD

You better take that back! (to the field) Come on Frankie! (To Roy) What the hell’s the matter with you?

ROY

Nothing’s the matter with me, Dad. It’s just the way I am. I like rooting for the Cubs.

MOM

Oh dear, I was afraid something like this would happen ever since I found those Tribunes under your bed.

DAD

Well, this is not acceptable. This family is die-hard Sox fans. No son of mine is gonna be one of, (he can’t say it) one of those, things!

MINNIE

I just want to say, good for you little brother. I want you to know that no matter what anybody else thinks, I support you 100 percent. (She hugs ROY.) You know, my friend Joe is also a Cubs fan. Maybe you two should meet?

ROY

Thanks, sis. That means so much to me. (to the field) Oh, Frank Thomas struck out! Cool!

DAD

Stop that. And don’t you encourage him either, Minnie. That’s just wrong. It’s immoral and it’s disgusting.

MINNIE

Well Dad, we just have to learn to accept each other no matter what our baseball preference is. He was probably born that way.

ROY

Actually, there’s still a lot of debate about whether you are born a Cubs fan or whether it’s a learned behavior.

JACKIE JR.

What does it mean when Roy says he’s a Cubs fan? Do Cubs fans get cotton candy?

(He looks for the vendor.)

MOM

I’ll tell you when you’re older, dear. Now watch the game.

DAD

A Cubs fan? When the hell did this happen?

ROY

I think I always had an idea about it. I mean, even when I was young, I’d be watching the Sox, because that’s what society told me I should be doing, but deep down I knew I was always more interested in the Cubs.

DAD

Oh, jeez, Gladys, talk some sense into the boy.

MOM

Oh, dear. Really Roy, you’re our son, so whatever team you want to root for we will still love you. Just as long as that’s what you want. Are you sure that’s what you want?

ROY

Well, I had my doubts, that is, until I met Charlie.

MOM

Is Charlie a, you know?

CHARLIE

(Still on his cell phone.) Hey look everybody, my Uncle Mike says we’re on TV! Can you see us?

(Charlie waves to a camera. So does Roy.)

MOM

Oh, my.

DAD

Gladys? Do you see this? I blame you, you know. You were always soft on the boy, supporting his decision to be a bond trader, helping him find an apartment in Lincoln Park. And going to an interleague game was your idea in the first place!

MINNIE

I think that’s so great that you have someone to go the Cubs games with, Roy. I always liked Charlie.

(MINNIE gives CHARLIE a hug.)

CHARLIE

(Into phone) Yeah, they must have scored or something. Everybody’s hugging.

DAD

It’s just a phase. You’re young and you’re just trying the Cubs out. That’s what it is, ain’t it? Just a phase?

ROY

Well, maybe at first. But now it’s more than that. It’s so fun. We just hang out, drinking Old Style in the bleachers--

DAD

You sat in the bleachers at Wrigley? Never, in my 47 years--

ROY

But you don’t understand, Dad. It was like, for the first time in my life, I felt like I was with people just like me. And it was great, Dad. We got really drunk and talked on our cell phones. It was like being at the world’s biggest beer garden. We didn’t even watch the game.

(He and Charlie high five each other.)

CHARLIE

Hey, Uncle Mike says Sammy Sosa’s up! Smack it to me Sammy!

DAD

That’s it! It’s one thing for you to be Cubs fans, but I’ll be damned if you come into my ballpark and cheer for the Cubs. You’re not going to rub my nose in it!

CHARLIE

I’m sorry sir, but we’re here, we’ll cheer, and you better get used to it!

DAD

Oh, god. At least little Jackie Jr. still loves the Sox.

CHARLIE

Oh wow, Sammy got a hold of that one! Somebody catch it!

(Jackie Jr. catches it.)

JACKIE JR.

I catched it! I catched it!

ROY

Wow, Jackie, you just caught a Sammy Sosa home run ball!

(Jackie Jr. holds it for a second, then throws it back.)

DAD

No! No! We don’t throw home runs back here! That’s a stupid Wrigley Field tradition!. Look what you’ve done, you’ve started to turn your brother into a Cubs fan, too!

JACKIE JR.

If I be a Cubs fan, can I get some cotton candy?

DAD

Oh, jesus! Can it get any worse?

CHARLIE

(Hanging up his phone.) Hey, yo Roy. My Uncle got those season tickets we asked him about for football season. 45 yard line!

ROY

Oh, yeah, that’s another thing, Dad. You see, Charlie’s family is from Green Bay and . . .

BLACKOUT

I can't remember how I came up with the idea for this scene, but I got the assignment in class, and I think the original draft was written in July 2003 (a full nine months earlier than this draft which I was probably polishing up for submission to Teatro Bastardo). The Interleague MLB games were still pretty new at this point (I think) and the Crosstown Classic was pretty big in the papers and around the watercooler. I think I got the idea for it to be a "coming out" scene because this was also around the time of the annual gay pride parade.

The way I usually write scenes like this is by making a list of all the things that define each element of the clash of context . One was "coming out" and the other was "Cubs Fans vs. White Sox Fans." After I make the list I try to see if I can hit all those points in the scene. For coming out I tried to take some of the things you associate with that (i.e., the supportive mother/sister, angry father, is it born or learned behavior, some of the things people say when they come out, etc.) and then sprinkle it with stereotypical Cubs Fan references (don't watch the games, talking on cell phones, live in Lincoln Park, read the Trib, drink Old Style). I probably hit some of them a little too hard (talking on cell phones) but overall I think it comes through fairly well. My favorite line in the whole scene is the "We're here, we'll cheer, and you better get used to it!" which I hope everyone recognizes as being incredibly close to a chant that was pretty common at the pride parade years ago.

Jackie Jr. is probably my least favorite part of the sketch, but I think I needed him in the end at the climax to catch the ball and throw it back, which really sets off Dad. Side Note: I think throwing back a home run ball is one of the most idiotic things you can do when it comes to baseball. Do you know how hard it is to catch one in the first place? When I have occasionally seen this happen at U.S. Cellular Field, the thrower usually gets a nice round of boos. I think it's a great tradition at Wrigley, but let's leave it there, shall we?

I don't think this scene would work quite as good now as it would have before the Sox won the World Series in 2005. Before that both teams were historically of the same standing, and Sox fans had a much bigger complex about being second class than they do now. It could still work, but it would have to be tweaked in a big way to account for the Sox World Series win, and all the player references would have to be changed, and you'd probably have to have a steriod reference, I dunno. After all that, it still wouldn't be as funny as if you saw it before 2005.

Easter Eggs: I don't remember how I came up with the names, but Minnie was named after Minnie Minoso, a former Sox player whose number was retired in 1983. I think Roy was named after the fictional Roy Hobbs from The Natural, but if I had a do over I would change it to something more White Sox related like Nellie (Fox), Luke (Appling) or even Luis (Aparicio), all Sox players whose number has been retired. I'm sure Roy's middle name is Comiskey, though.

Opening Day! It's Opening Day!

Okay, yesterday was officially opening day, but Nat was too busy bitching about the weather to acknowledge this, and if you live in a Midwestern or Eastern city with an outdoor baseball stadium, today is opening day--unless your games get cancelled again due to cold and snow. That’s also why I refuse to go to any games in April--unless someone has a free ticket . . .

Anyway, as a life long Kansas City Royals fan, opening day is usually the most enjoyable day of the season. Hope is still alive. All of the hitters could be potential All-Stars, the pitching staff may feature a Cy Young winner, and the bullpen has yet to start blowing games left and right. Yes, opening day is the day I let myself believe the Royals are going to do it this year and go all the way (to third place in their division).

My predictions for this season:

The Royals will win more games than the White Sox.

I will still somehow manage to lose money betting on the Royals.

The Cubs will win their division and somehow blow it in the playoffs. Cubs fans will be surprised by this.

Carlos Zambrano will say a lot of stupid things, but everyone will still love him because he is a dummy and can pitch really well.

Ozzie Guillen will do the same thing, except replace "pitch really well" with "manage really well and is entertaining as hell."

Some moron will pee in my yard after a Cubs game (I only live a block from Wrigley Field). That moron will possibly be a Robot vs. Dinosaur writer.

Lots of people will hate the Yankees.

Boston fans will continue their steady march to being as obnoxious as Yankees fans.

I will ignore my wife approximately 247 times while she talks to me during an “important” at bat.

My wife will get mad at me approximately 247 times for ignoring her during an “important” at bat and will point out that she is more “important” than any at bat.

We will eventually argue over various situations in which an at bat might actually be more "important" than my wife (I can think of a couple).

I will win approximately zero of these arguments.

I will find every excuse I can to wear my powder blue Royals jersey, and I will look great wearing it.

I will make it to a Brewers game and eat for the cycle (hot dog, bratwurst, Italian sausage and the Polish). I will also drink too many beers while eating for the cycle.

While eating for the cycle, I will get mustard on my powder blue Kansas City Royals jersey.

At some point I will throw my remote control across the room at the end of an "important" at bat.


I will use the greatest bottle opener of all time (at left) to open many, many beers as a misguided coping mechanism.

The Royals will lose way too many games, will get their one allowable "little league" All-Star, and will not win the World Series again and I will love every minute of it!