What Does Your Television Viewing Say About You?

Hello from Hollywood! Since I've moved to the land of studios, I've learned that ratings and viewing figures mean everything. In fact, if fewer than 125 people look at me in a day, I may cease to exist.

The Hollywood Reporter has a story highlighting the viewing habits of Republicans and Democrats. Here are the top 15 for each group:

What does this say about you? Have you discovered that your voting record is a lie?

Looks like I'm a Republican. As a big fan of sitcoms (and seeking a gig writing on one), I apparently want my taxes lower, my gun rack larger, and my immigrants non-existent. The Democrat list include three comedies whereas the Republican list has four (five if you include Glenn Beck). Chuck Lorre must be thrilled.

What are you, RvD blog readers?

(Also, buy my book.)

Catching Up

Blog? Blog... is that you? Oh my God, it is you! How have you been?! Wow, it's so great to see you. God, how long has it been.

Yeah yeah, at least a month or two. You look good. You've lost weight?

Well it looks like you have. What have you been up to?

Yeah, Chris can get a little creepy. Me? Well I've been looking for a job and doing auditions. Me and Nat, you know - my friend from Robot vs Dinosaur? Right. We've been doing a side project named Crassus. That has been going well. And ummmmm... yeah. You know, same old same old. Ha ha ha.

...

...

Have you seen Inception? Loved it. Really well done. It's really mind bending but not so much that you get lost in the plot or anything. So... really good..

...

...

...

I did see that on the news. Yeah, it's great they got him out of jail. 5 years for a crime he never committed, I can't imagine.

Yeah totally. Add on at least another 10 years if that was the case.

...

...

...

Soooooooo....

That's right! We should totally do that again real soon. I.. am.. Pepper... Dennis.. Robot. Ha ha ha ha ha. Anyway....

Sure. Yeah, why don't you give me a call?

Yeah, before Mike moves.

Oh you didn't know he was moving? Yeah, to L A at the end of the month.

Sure, sure.

Anyway.... Yeah. Great seeing you too. Call Me.

Ok.

Bye Bye.






CALL ME!

Ten Easy Ways to Make Your Scenes Funnier

You might be struggling with a scene that just doesn’t seem very funny. Well, have no fear. By using any or all of the techniques below, your scene will be funny in no time. Check these out:

1. “And by ________, I mean ___________.”

This is as easy as jokes get. When a character says something like, “I’m going to the grocery store,” just have them follow it up with one of these zingers “And by grocery store, I mean adult bookshop.”

And probably the best way to use this is to replace a verb with the word “masturbate.” Works every time.

And by every time, I mean occasionally.

2. “I’m just sayin’.”

After a character says something particularly weird, crazy, truthful, whatever, just add the words “I’m just sayin’.” This will make whatever you just wrote appear to be mildly funny.

For instance, one character says, “I just wanted you to know, I’m wearing your underpants and even though they are a little tight, I like them a lot. I’m just sayin’.”

It won’t be incredibly funny, though. I’m just sayin’.

3. Make your characters British.

Works every time. Unless you are in a British accented country. Then you should give them an Australian or Irish accent.

4. Have your characters mug to the audience.

Every time a character says something funny, have them turn to the audience and smile. Or bow. Really. I got this from watching Telemundo. If they can also cross their eyes when they turn to the audience, it will be twice as funny.

5. Add a pop culture reference.

Don’t talk about someone have a big ass unless you mention Kim Kardashian’s ass. Someone isn’t getting drunk and stoned, they are getting Keith Richards-ed. That girl isn’t a skinny train wreck, she’s pulling a Lindsay Lohan.

The best of these of all time is the phrase “getting a Lewinsky.”

6. Have everyone wear Snuggies.

This is funny. It’s also using a pop culture reference.

7. Use bad sound effects.

It’s always funny to see people get shot on stage if you have a really loud over the top gun sound effect. Or if it’s a handgun, make sure the sound effect is for a machine gun. Also, a screeching cat works no matter what is happening on stage. Don’t forget to use the rule of three--if a character throws something breakable, have them throw three things and the sound effects should be: glass breaking, glass breaking, screeching cat.

8. Add some slapstick.

So you are writing a scene about a guy breaking up with a girl. Boring. But I’m writing a scene about a guy breaking up with a girl by throwing a pie in her face! That exciting, and funny!

It’s time to bring the pie in the face back, don’t you think?

9. Use names of old girlfriends/boyfriends in your scenes, then do really bad stuff to their characters.

It will be funny to you, at least.

10. Have your characters reference their blogs.

Have your characters set it up by asking a question, like: “Did you hear that my Grandma died this weekend?” And then when someone says, “No, what happened?” the answer is “You haven't been reading my blog.”

It’s always good for a chuckle.

If you use any of these ideas, please remember to give me credit, preferably by turning to the audience with your eyes crossed, and saying, in a British accent “I really Chris Othic-ed that joke!” Then following it up with a sad trombone sound effect. It will be hilarious.

And by hilarious, I mean excruciating. I’m just sayin.

Shaun White Olympics 2010 Video

Experiment time! So the video of Shaun White winning the gold medal in the half pipe snow boarding event last night is being searched like a mother fucker holding a questionable bag at the airport. So I'm wondering if I can whore in on the countless Google searches that are happening. Let's see how many people we can get to this blog. So if you are looking for the Shaun White video (which I found here) and were led astray to this blog please take a moment to post the comment "You tricked me you stupid asshole!" on this post, and then bookmark us if you want. We are actually funny sometimes. Thank you. Please note I am not quite sure how the internet works:

Shaun White Olympics 2010 Video
Shaun White Olympics 2010 Video
Shaun White Olympics 2010 Video
Shaun White Olympics 2010 Video
Shaun White Olympics 2010 Video
Shaun White Olympics 2010 Video
Shaun White Olympics 2010 Video
Shaun White Olympics 2010 Video
Shaun White Olympics 2010 Video
Shaun White Olympics 2010 Video
Shaun White Olympics 2010 Video
Shaun White Olympics 2010 Video
Shaun White
Shaun White
Shaun White
Shaun White
Olympics 2010
Olympics 2010
Olympics 2010
Olympics 2010
Olympics 2010
Funny Hysterectomy

I'm gonna go get a lawyer now for the inevitable lawsuit the Olympic committee will bring down on me... uptight ass hats.

The Kids in the Hall and the Death of Sketch Comedy

For all you comedy nerds out there (our primary readership, apart from the HERS foundation of course), here is an article about the return of the famous Canadian sketch comedy troupe The Kids in the Hall. They have a new series coming out for the CBC called Death Comes to Town. I would be excited to see it except that I basically have Flintstones television (or, network television) and whatever wireless Internet I’m able to scrounge up, so I’m probably going to have to wait awhile.

Regardless, the article is a very interesting read, not only for the writer’s profession of love for a sketch troupe that is quite deserving of the praise and adulation – I grew up watching them on Comedy Central – but also for the assertion that sketch comedy as an art form is either dead or dying.

“But now who needs a troupe, or a name, or a stage?” laments the author, himself a former sketch comedian from Toronto. “All you need is a digital camera and a firewire.”

Typically over dramatic artsy-person.

There has been an explosion in the last decade or so of sketch comedy videos on the web. So, in a way, I understand the author’s point. Literally anyone can throw up something funny in a comparative short amount of time and get seen by thousands of people. Hell, a group of friends and I used to do the same thing back when we started out here in Chicago. Our group was called Date-Nite, and while the website no longer exists (after we stopped producing shorts, the desire to pay for a website ceased), I believe you can still find some of our shorts floating around on Youtube.

And, as someone who apprenticed for over a year at a legitimate theatre before moving to the city, I’ve spent a lot of time around people worrying that film/television/the Internet is slowly strangling live performance. So I’m used to hearing these concerns.

It’s hard not to agree. With the Internet, with DVDs and Netflix and On Demand and Hulu and whatever else the kids are using these days, entertainment has become more and more convenient. From the audience’s standpoint: why take the time and extra cost to go to a theatre and see something that may or may not be any good when they know they’ll at least mildly enjoy whatever they were going to watch from home? From the performer’s standpoint: if the ultimate goal is to do televised comedy on SNL anyway, why bother with the live performances that get audiences of ten people?

And yet, as anyone in the sketch comedy community can tell you, sketch is not dead. Here in Chicago, a new sketch group is born every five minutes. Hell, take a look at the performer list for this year’s Chicago Sketch Comedy Festival. There are over a hundred sketch troupes taking part, and those are just the groups that made it into the festival.

So what the hell, guys? What are we doing here? Wasting our time while we save up to buy digital cameras?

You probably guessed this already, but being that Robot vs Dinosaur is a sketch comedy troupe and that we’re devoted a considerable amount of time and effort to it, the time has come in this little tangential rant to defend the decision to waste our time with this live performance nonsense despite the evident futility of our actions. So here goes:

I think the reason sketch comedy (and live theatre as well) is still around and not likely to disappear anytime soon is the fact that film and Internet video can’t actually talk to you. By you, I mean ‘you personally’ not ‘you as an audience of millions.’ In the online short world, you personally can’t talk back either. Yeah, you can leave a snarky comment or something on the video message board or something, but there’s no instant communication with the performer the way there is with a laugh or a groan.

This is the only advantage live performance has over filmed performance. You and the performer are both there, at the same time, and that performer is talking to you. There’s no substitute for the charisma of a live performer. Film will forever be better at special effects, breadth and depth of story, setting, notoriety of the performers, etc. etc. etc. Even the best equipped theatres with the highest budgets and the most seasoned actors can only make a dent in what a big budget movie is capable of doing.

Sketch comedy has none of these technical capabilities – most shows are done with nothing more than a couple of chairs – you think that can’t be replicated by some jackass in his basement somewhere in the middle of nowhere?

No, the only advantage you have, fellow sketch comedian, is that your audience is right there in front of you experiencing your show right before your eyes. You can hear where they laugh; you can see their reaction when you’re talking right to them; you can bring them into the experience that is a live show.

When we were putting together Mrs. Gruber, we deliberately tried to play to these strengths. I’d go into detail, but we’re doing the show one more time at Sketch Fest (SHAMELESS PLUG: SATURDAY JANUARY 9TH AT 7:00 PM) and I don’t want to ruin the experience for anyone who hasn’t seen the show yet.

For live sketch comedy to keep its audience and remain vital, it has to be aware of what strengths and advantages they have. Your reward, sketch comedian, is what you learn from having people there in the room with you. You learn where they laugh, what they find funny, what doesn’t work so well, what can be done to improve your performance or your script. In short, you learn all the stuff that you can’t really learn by throwing something out for people half way across the world to watch in the comfort of their own homes.

And with that, I shall end my ridiculously long post. Go forth, sketch comedians, and multiply.

Sweepstakes Winner Gibberish

“I won a car!” – Dan Sadleir
“I won $100,000!” – Martha Redding
“I won a vacation!” – Sue Dreyfus

These are three of the many various quotes posted in Subway stores right now to promote some sweepstakes they’re doing. They also serve as a reminder to me that if I ever win a Subway sweepstakes, to speak only gibberish for several weeks so that my sticker will say:

“Nestle here farm apes!” – Greg Wendling

...or...

“Punch it here!” – Greg Wendling

...or...

“Fish have lasers!” – Greg Wendling

...or...

“Carlos hairplug fire squirt!” – Greg Wendling

While it's the least nonsensical, “Punch it here!” may be my favorite, because in addition to it having nothing to do with the sweepstakes, my quote (like all the others) will be a stick-on decal they put on the sneeze guard for customers to see as they stand in line. "Punch it here!" would encourage people to punch the glass, which could only have delightful consequences.

What would your quote say?

My Dream

I am at the grocery store (Dominick's for those that know it). I am getting ready to go to Ian and Travis' parties. They are each having a party, not having one party together. I haven't really been walking through the store, I just end up at the front waiting to get into a checkout line with a couple items in hand. Candy bars I think. Oh, there is a Dominick's pizza. The uncooked kind that I just toss in the oven at home myself. Yum yum, I'll grab that. Once again I am waiting not in an actual checkout line, I am simply waiting to decide which line I want to go to. There are a couple people next to me contemplating the same decision. As I am waiting I see beer in the front of the store. It's in you standard beer cooling shelves, but the cooling shelves are located at the very front of the store right next to the sliding doors. Strange place to put the beer cooling shelves I think for a second. My mind then jumps to the remembrance that to be a stand-up individual I should probably bring some beer to the party. However I am poor, so I can't buy beer for both parties. Plus I now have this pizza that is digging into my finances. What to do, what to do? In the midst of this contemplation I have chosen a checkout line and am in fact already in the process of checking out. As the checkout lady scans my pizza I realize that I can't get the pizza, not so much because of my financial situation, but more so the fact that today is Friday and I will not be going home until Sunday because I will be at these parties until at least Sunday, and I don't think I can keep the pizza unrefrigerated for that long. The thought finishes just after the checkout girl has finished ringing me up and gives me the total due. say "I'm sorry. I messed up. I no longer want the pizza, so please refund it back to me." The checkout girl looks at me as if I just asked to eat the legs off of her puppy. "You can just leave it out" she says. How did she know I was worried about leaving the pizza out for two days? Get out of my head checkout girl! I still don't trust the unrefrigerated pizza approach so I ask again to have the pizza refunded and then I'll grab some beer in it's place. The checkout girl disappears. I wait and wait. Maybe she is going to get a manager. Maybe she went on break. Why can't I just return this pizza? Waiting... waiting.... waiting.... and then I wake up.

Chris Makes The Call

In the wake of New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick’s call to go for a first down from his own 30-yard line with 2:08 remaining in Sunday’s game against Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts, and the ensuing dissection of his call (you can read about it here and here and here and here and argue about it yourself right here), I have decided to go back to my college years and break down some of my own calls in big spots in my life. Feel free to agree or disagree with my assessment in the comments section, or share some of your own big calls.

THE MAD DOG

In the Spring of 1991, Chris and his buddies bought a couple cases of beer and as a joke, a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20. Later that same night, after all the beer was gone, Chris and his buddies were faced with a decision: Should they crack open the Mad Dog?

Let’s break it down:

Pros: By cracking open the Dog, Chris would ensure that the party would keep going. Everyone would get rowdier and drunker, and they would have the “I drank Mad Dog last night” excuse to fall back on if things went crazy.

Cons: Purple lips.

The Call: Chris went for it, but his buddies declined. They left shortly thereafter and Chris was forced to drink the Mad Dog all by himself. He made a couple of booty calls, but was rejected. When it was all said and done, all Chris had to show for the night was purple lips and a raging hangover.

The Verdict: BAD CALL!

THE STREAK

In the winter of 1996, in the second year of Graduate School, Chris found himself in an intriguing position. He had found himself very drunk and with a slightly rotund, two-tone haired, even drunker female (of questionable morals). Alone with her in his apartment, he had to make the call: should he invite her to his bedroom?

Let’s break it down:

Pros: By inviting her to the bedroom, he was sure to end a scoreless streak that had extended into almost double-digit months. Also to consider is that no one saw them leave the party together, and there was a good chance no one would find out. He also had the “I was really drunk” excuse to fall back on.

Cons: Even for Chris, he was reaching down a level on the attractiveness ladder. Also, this chick showed some early warning signs of being absolutely CRAZY. He would also have to see her on a daily basis, however things went down.

The Call: Chris went for it. He invited her to his bedroom, turned off the lights and scored against an easy defense. In the end, she was CRAZY and all of his friends did find out about it. He had to deal with some good natured ribbing, and he was somewhat shunned by some of the more attractive girls in his circle for a while. He saw her in the hallways and class nearly every day. His scoreless streak did come to an end, though, and he went on to put up some pretty decent numbers over the next semester.

The Verdict: GOOD CALL!

THE FUMBLE

In the spring of 1997, Chris found himself in another intriguing position—with the same girl. Alone in her apartment, he had to make the call: should he leave immediately or accompany her to her bedroom?

Let’s break it down:

Pros: There would be sex. Maybe no one would find out.

Cons: She was already verified as boil your pet rabbit CRAZY, he had already told everyone he would never do this again, and the other more attractive girls were just starting to warm back up to him. She had home field advantage.

The Call: Chris called a time out and decided to put up a prevent defense by telling her he had a paper due in the morning. She convinced him to have “one more” beer, however, and he fumbled when she took off her bra. Before he knew it, she was in the red zone, and scored against him on an end around. She even went for two and got it. No one ever found out, though, so the game was never considered to be official and did not go against his record.

The Verdict: GOOD CALL!

THE HAT TRICK

In the Summer of 1997, Chris found himself in another intriguing position—he was at a party with the same girl AND a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20. he was once again faced with making the call: should he go for a triple play in the coat room at the party?

Let’s break it down:

Pros: Sex in the coatroom.

Cons: Everyone would find out. Purple lips.

The Call: Chris swigged from his trusty bottle of Mad Dog and decided to go for it. She tried to ice the puck but he offered her some Mad Dog and shortly thereafter scored the hat trick while racking up a few penalties of his own. He and his Mad Girl eventually returned to the party each sporting purple lips. Everyone found out what happened in the coat room and he was sent to the penalty box for what was the beginning of another long scoreless streak. The play became legendary among his friends and they will buy him Mad Dog any time he wants it. The girl moved away and became a model. Chris recovered and went on to have a successful career with the ladies until his retirement in 2001.

The Verdict: GOOD CALL!

Mike Bauman Deserves to be Castrated

Mike Bauman is an awful man. He very obviously hates women. Why else would advocate the castration of women by surgeons such as Dr. Seuss? His blog post of November 7, 2009, is only the latest incident in a life filled with misogyny. Here are just a few of his dickheaded, chauvinistic offenses:

May 3, 2003 - Makes pumpkin muffins with walnuts. His sister hates nuts.

August 29, 1989 - Sorta laughs at an Andrew Dice Clay routine.

October 17, 1976 - Rips his mother's vagina to bits being born with that big old head of his.

June 12, 2008 - Opens his one-man show, "Hysterectomies Should Be Mandatory."

April 2, 6417 BC - Gives Eve an apple.

For these egregious acts, Robot vs Dinosaur has had Mike Bauman castrated. Here is a photograph taken at the moment of the snip.

Since the surgery, Mike Bauman is reported to have changed his ways and has released the following statement:

And to Think That I Penilectomy It on Mulberry Street

The Penilectomy Hats of Batholomew Cubbins

The King's Penilectomy

The Seven Penilectomy Godivas

Horton Hatches the Penilectomy

McElligot's Penilectomy

Thidwick the Big-Hearted Penilectomy

Scrambled Eggs Penilectomy!

Horton Hears a Penilectomy

How the Penilectomy Stole Christmas

The Cat in the Penilectomy

One Penilectomy Two Penilectomy Red Penilectomy Blue Penilectomy

Green Eggs and Ham

Penilectomy on Pop

Penilectomy in Socks

I Can Penilectomy 30 Tigers Today! and Other Stories

There's a Penilectomy in My Pocket

I Can Penilectomy With My Eyes Shut

Oh, the Places You'll Penilectomy!

Thank you,
Mike Bauman

Ten Little-Known Facts About John Adams

I missed the opportunity a couple Fridays ago, on October 30, to celebrate the 274th birthday of John Adams, one of my all-time favorite presidents. Here are some fun facts about the man.

1. When his sailing ship to France nearly capsized in rough seas, used his pantaloons to create impromptu inflatable life raft. Then accidentally popped it with his razor-sharp toenails.
2. Routinely hid George Washington’s teeth before big speeches.
3. Ironically enough, though he abhorred slavery, he loved nothing more than writing letters to good friends.
4. On separate occasions, shared a bed with Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, and Labyrinth-era David Bowie.
5. Was the first president to (1) live in the White House, (2) do away with his powdered wig, and (3) to make it to the buffet table.
6. Bowling legend Dick Weber won his third PBA title whilst using a life mask of an 87-year old John Adams in place of a ball.
7. Invented “twooting,” a childish bed prank where a person farts into his hand, sucks the fart into his mouth, then blows it into the face of his bed partner.*
8. Died July 4, 1826, the same day as Thomas Jefferson. But rock ’n’ roll will never die. It is here to stay.
9. Before settling on “Peacefield” as the name for his estate’s garden, played around with the names “The Land of Milk and Hiney”, “Tee-hee, George Washington Wants To Mount Vernon”, and “Shitfarm.”
10. Was misled by the authors of the Alien and Sedition Acts which he endorsed. Sincerely believed that Martians were planning an insurrection on the U.S. government.
    

* Confirmed by the memoirs of Abigail Adams and Labyrinth-era David Bowie.

Money ain't change nuthin'

I am poor. I am not alone either. There are probably more poor people in this country right now then there has been since the Great Depression. Please note that I have not based that statement on any actual facts and I have absolutely no plans on researching it. I also know that football has the gayest (and by gayest I mean most homosexual sounding) terminology out of any sport. Again, just my opinion. Anyhow... where am I?

So I hope to be rich, or at the very least living comfortably, sometime in the relatively near future. But no matter how rich I may get (fingers crossed, upon a star, rub the Buddha, break that turkey neck) there are some things I don't think I will ever give up:

Ramen Noodles - specifically Maruchan Ramen Noodles. So cheap, so tasty, so salt laden, so bad for you. I have loved these things since I was a kid and I still love them now. I have had to eat them out of necessity at times, other times I just eat them by choice. I actually just finished eating a pork flavored batch. By the way, Maruchan opened it's first plant in the U.S the same year I was born. We were destined to be together. Here is how you make Maruchan Ramen Noodles and consume them. Boil 2 cups of water in a pan on the stove, add the noodles, boil the noodles for about 3 minutes or until they are slightly soft and just starting to come apart easily, add the flavor packet, stir it up, turn off the heat, let the ramen sit there uncovered for 15 to 30 minutes (depending how long you can hold off consuming the delicious dish) so that the noodles soak in some of that great flavor, get out 2 slices of bread (I recommend cheddar bread from Mars Cheese Castle), use a fork to get out about half the noodles, place them on a slice of bread, put the other slice of bread on top, eat the ramen sandwich, consume the rest of the noodles that are still in the pot (straight out of the pot if you're nasty, which both me and Janet Jackson are), drink the broth. Don't judge me!

Cheddar Bread - I mentioned cheddar bread from Mars Cheese Castle in the last paragraph. Since most of you probably have never been or will never go to Mars Cheese Castle feel free to hunt down cheddar bread at your local bakery which, if it is smart, carries some kind of cheddar bread. I'm sure it's good there too, cheddar bread is hard to fuck up. Jalapeno cheddar bread is even better, but some people don't like the spicy. Bread can be pretty damn great on its own, so I applaud the person that said "You know what, I'm gonna make this stuff even better" and then promptly dropped a block of cheese into their bread mix before baking it up. You changed the world good sir or ma'am.


Nintendo Entertainment System games - I'm talking the old 8 bit NES system games. I still have an original NES hooked up to my TV, and I still play it. I will play it until no amount of blowing will get the games to work again (NES players should understand that last statement. Everyone please understand that I am now talking about fellatio in any way). Thanks to technology, specifically the Nintendo Wii, I can download some of those old games and play them even if my NES ever completely dies out. I never fully moved full force into the future of video games. I always liked Nintendo, so I always bought Nintendo. The Playstations and Xboxes are great, and if I was rich I would definitely buy them, but I find a lot of modern games as a turn off because they are so damn involved. Most NES games you can pop into the machine, turn on, and then play through the entire game from start to finish. I like that. It gives me a sense of accomplishment, and then I can sit back and enjoy the ending. Some games nowadays take up to 80 hours to complete. I just normally don't have the time to invest in such an undertaking, but I can still get through Bionic Commando in about 2 to 3 hours - an easy late night mission.

Bologna - I had a friend say that he stopped eating bologna the moment he moved out and started making his own money. I didn't understand why. I think its great. I don't eat it much, but that is because it isn't really good for you at all. I certainly don't feel that I am above it, and I think its just plain delicious. 7-11 poorboys are a favorite late night food of mine - ham, salami, bologna, and cheese on a sub roll. So simple. So cheap. So great. I also grew up in an area of the country that had fried bologna subs on most deli menus. So bologna was always a part of my life, and it always will be.

Macaroni and cheese - not a lot of justification needed here. I think this would be on many peoples' lists. So I'll just move on.

Sitting around the home in my underwear - Everyone does this right? I wear pants in public for everyone's benefit. When I am home, 95% of the time I have no pants on. A lot of time I won't even have a shirt on. It just seems like that sort of behavior is equated to poor people. Well put a hundred million in my bank account and I'll show you a very happy man in his big fancy mansion sitting on his ten thousand dollar leather couch with a giant smile on his face and no pants.

Cursing - Some people think cursing isn't dignified or perhaps it's juvenile and rich people with clout and status and such should act better. FUCK COCK ASS FUCK SHIT BITCH FUCK SHIT SHITTY ASS CUM, and so forth.

Occasionally re-reading the Ernest P. Worrell "Book of Knowledge" - Yes, that is the same Ernest as the "Ernest Goes to Camp" and "KnowhutImean?". And yes this book really exists, and I really own a copy, and I really read it. It contains such wonderful items as:

"Why I Don't Fly.

1. What if something went wrong with the plane, could you make it without it?

2. Things that live the longest - like elephants, giant redwoods, whales, and tortoises - rarely if ever fly.

3. The food they serve is terrible. What if the same people are fixing the plane?"

and this

"Things I Lie Awake Worrying About"

2. Who measured the equator and did he or she get hot.

6. What Cher is going to wear next week.

8. What to call the water between California and the rest of us after the earthquake - should it be the Baja Channel or the Gulf of Nevada."

and also

"Has the Tooth Fairy come out of the closet yet?"

I definitely found it funnier as a child, but like it or not it had to have some influence on me and my comic stylings and sensibilities.

So that's it for now. Bye.