Things Chris Might Possibly Have Said At His Bachelor Party In October 2001

7:00 p.m. - “Okay guys, thanks for coming! It’s gonna be off the hook! I’m excited to have all my friends here because I LOVE YOU GUYS! But listen, no hookers tonight, okay? I wouldn’t do anything like that. But I did bring some condoms just in case! Just kidding! No really, I brought some condoms.”

7:30 p.m. - “You guys are paying for my dinner, right? Great. I’ll have the 26 ounce porterhouse. I’d never get that if I was buying! I love you guys! Awesome!”

8:45 p.m. - “Who bought me the chocolatini? I’m not drinking this.”

8:55 p.m. - “Wow, that chocolatini was actually pretty good.”

9:10 p.m. - “Dave, paying that random girl to throw a drink in my face, that was classic! Good one! I love you, man! But I’m going to have to send you the dry cleaning bill. Seriously. This is my strip club shirt.”

9:30 p.m. - “I love this limo! Check it out. Power windows!”

9:45 p.m. - “Wow, this strip club is awesome! Who’s buying me the first lap dance? I’ll take that blonde over there, she’s hot! Cue up the Def Leppard!”

9:55 p.m. - “Good one guys, not telling me this was a drag bar. He smelled real nice though.”

10:15 p.m. - “Cool! This place is more like it! And the girl from Penthouse is giving me a lap dance! Wow! I love you guys! Hold her off a minute while I go to the restroom and take off my underwear.”

10:25 p.m. - “Okay, very funny. You switched the Penthouse girl for the big stripper while I was in the restroom. Nice. 'Pour Some Sugar On Me' will never be the same. She smelled real nice though.”

10:40 p.m. - “That was really nice of you guys to buy a lapdance with the Penthouse girl for the best man. Willie really looked like he was enjoying himself. Can we leave now?”

11:15 p.m. - “A karaoke bar! Awesome! And they have Huey Lewis on the song list! Even better! I love you guys! Let's go buy this bachelor some shots!”

11:25 p.m. - “What’s in this shot? It tastes like gasoline.”

11:35 p.m. - “What’s in this shot? It tastes like gasoline.”

11:45 p.m. - “What’s in this shot? It tastes like gasoline.”

11:55 p.m. - “Waz innish shtz? It tstst lk gslnnne.”

12:15 a.m. - “It was great when they threw me off stage for inserting the F-word into The Heart of Rock and Roll, wasn’t it? Do we really have to leave?”

12:25 a.m. - "What are we doing at this Motel 6? I thought I told you no hookers! You're the best friends a guy could ever ask for. I love you, guys.”

12:35 a.m. - "This hooker's not a dude, right? Seriously. I'll have to wear an extra condom."

12:40 a.m. - "I saw her naked! She's the real deal! Thank you, Jesus! I love you, guys!"

12:50 a.m. - “You guys set me up! Not cool! Untie me, now! Guys! Guys!”

1:05 a.m. - “Come on! Wax?! You could at least shave me! Owwwwwww!”

1:15 a.m. - “I said no pictures! No pictures!”

1:25 a.m. - So you’ll untie me if I put on an adult diaper? That’s a good one. I love you guys!”

1:30 a.m. - “All is forgiven if you hand me my beer. Screw it, let’s do more shots!

2:35 a.m. - “Waz innish shtz? It tstst lk gslnnne.”

2:40 a.m. - “Waz innish shtz? It tstst lk gslnnne.”

2:45 a.m. - “Waz innish shtz? It tstst lk gslnnne.”

2:50 a.m. - “Waz innish shtz? Blarghagahahaghahgh!”

2:55 a.m. - “Hey check it out! I can jump from a speeding limo while wearing a diaper!”

2:56 a.m. - “I lost my diaper.”

2:57 a.m. - “Must . . . pass . . . out . . . now. I love you, guys.”

11 a.m. - "Ohhhhhhmmmyyyyyyffffuuuuuccccckkkkkiiiiinnnnngggggg
hhheeaaadddisspppoooouuunnnndddddinnnngggggpllleeeaaaaseekkkkiiiiillllllmmmmeeeeeee. I hate you guys.”