Stephen Hawking: Intergalactically Antisocial

In honor of RvD shows past and future, I present to you this article about Stephen Hawking and alien visitors.


For over a century, the human mind has been fascinated with the possibility of alien life on a distant planet: specifically whether or not we should fear them (a la Independence Day) or try to have sex with them (that new Star Trek with the hot green alien chick in her underwear).

Our own Chris Othic clearly sides in the sex camp, as evidenced by this dissertation on Alien attractiveness.

Well, count Stephen Hawking in the ‘fear them’ camp, seen here destroying one of the moons of Jupiter with his mind.

In a new documentary series (tentatively titles “In Which Stephen Hawking Targets Ridiculous Subjects with His Massive Mental Powers for Sport), Hawking suggests that alien life forms might be very very bad for us. “We only have to look at ourselves to see how intelligent life might develop into something we wouldn’t want to meet. I imagine they might exist in massive ships, having used up all the resources from their home planet. Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads, looking to conquer and colonise whatever planets they can reach.”

If this postulation sounds familiar to you, that’s because it is literally the premise of Independence Day. Like, almost word for word. Stephen Hawking has just ripped off a Will Smith movie.

Hawking recommends that we not seek out intelligent life forms and attempt to make contact as that might lead to the White House being destroyed by a gigantic ship. After all, Bill Pullman might not be there for us to be our President and lead us through the ensuing war.

That’s all speculation. One thing is for certain, though: Stephen Hawking is not the most social lifeform in the galaxy. The following was edited out of the documentary’s narrative, presumably for time.

STEPHEN HAWKING (in Speak and Spell voice)

“Contact with Alien Life Forms is to be avoided at all cost. This includes, if need be, snubbing them at shared social gatherings. There’s nothing worse than being shown up in front of your fellow partiers by an advanced life form claiming to know more about ‘The History of Time’ than one with my enormous intellect could ever conceive of. First, such statements are rude even if they are true. Second, I have a hard enough time meeting girls as it is without being cock blocked by some green tenticled asshole from Alpha Centauri. I mean, screw that guy.”

Chris Othic’s Very Short Interview with Zoe Saldana

(Zoe sits at an undisclosed pizza shop with RvD’s own Chris Othic to talk about acting, being hot and what it’s like to be in two of the biggest movies of 2009. Below is a transcript of the interview.)

Zoe Saldana: Hi, I’m Zoe.

Chris Othic: Well, hello Zoe, what do you know?

ZS: It’s actually pronounced Zo-ee. Like Joey, but with a “z.”

CO: But I wanted it to rhyme with “hello” and “know.”

ZS: Sorry, but it’s Zoe.

CO: It does sound cuter that way. Check it out, after seeing you in person I think the correct pronunciation should be “Zow-ie!”

ZS: That’s cute.

CO: And you say it like if you were Jerry Lewis. “Zooow-iiieeee!” Or maybe that was more like Captain Caveman.

ZS: A Captain Caveman reference! That’s really very funny! You are hilarious!

CO: Thank you! And you are a brilliant woman for recognizing that! So many people think I’m not funny, my writer friends, my writing partner, my wife, my family, my co-workers, homeless people, anybody with an opinion about comedy—

ZS: That’s too bad, but--

CO: Captain Caveman say, “You are Zow-ie! Zow-ie! Ba Ba Boom!”

ZS: (Laughing) Captain Caveman jokes! I love those! Did he say “Va Va Voom?” I don’t remember that?

CO: No, no, that was a “freestyle.” And I didn’t say “Va Va Voom.” That’s how you compliment a Latino woman! I said “Ba Ba Boom!” because that’s how you compliment a black woman, like yourself. It’s all about the “b” sound, that’s what that is.

ZS: Um? Actually, I'm Dominican and Peurto Rican.

CO: Exactly, you know! So, yeah, “b” for black women. Although “v” doesn’t work for Latino’s, it should really be “La La Loom.” I don’t make the rules. Actually, I do.

ZS: Umm, okay?

CO: But enough semantics! Let’s talk about your new movie!

ZS: Yes, let’s!

CO: I have to admit, I saw Avatar and I was like, a little distracted.

ZS: How’s that?

CO: Actually, a lot distracted. I kept looking for the nipples, you know? It was like two and a half hours long and I just kept looking for little blue nipples, maybe big blue nipples even, I don’t know because I never saw any. I didn’t think that was very realistic.

ZS: That’s what seemed unrealistic to you?

CO: Well, yeah. I mean, your character—and great work, by the way—

ZS: Thank you.

CO: You are on screen for a great deal of the movie and how did you keep them from exposing your nipples? I mean, there should be an Oscar for wearing that little tiny costume you had on and acting with your hair and feathers and stuff so we never see your nipples.

ZS: Well, it wasn’t really me who did that, it was—

CO: Oh, the crew! Like, somebody was on the crew to make sure there were no nipples? They had a glue gun or something? Not a glue gun, that would hurt, but like some spirit gum or maybe—do they make a gun with spirit gum? There were a lot of actresses and so to cover all those nipples—

ZS: They didn’t use—

CO: . . . that would be a Herculean task. You would definitely need a spirit gum gun or something. I mean, I looked and there were no nipples in this movie, at all. Not even in the crowd scenes. That James Cameron is pretty good, you know? He directed Titanic and there were some nipples in that, I think Kate Winslet’s and maybe Leo’s, possibly. I’d have to rewatch it know for sure.

ZS: You realize that Avatar was all CGI, right?

CO: Oh yeah! I mean, Cameron’s good but he didn’t build all those spaceships!

ZS: No, the Na’vi were all CGI. It was special effects.

CO: No kidding? Wow, I thought they just used like body paint, like in Sports Illustrated. That does explain a lot though. I mean, you are a lot shorter in real life.

ZS: I’m still pretty tall.

CO: Oh yes! You are! We have a saying back home about girls your size, they say “She’s so tall, you don’t have to bend down to milk her.”

ZS: Wait, what?

CO: No, oh, no, that’s cows! That’s what we say about cows! I can’t remember what we say about tall women. Now, we have a lot of saying about fat women. There’s this one—

ZS: Who are you with again?

CO: The Robot vs. Dinosaur blog. I’m their head interviewer. I interviewed Megan Fox and Amy Adams.

ZS: Really?

CO: No, they were fake, but I did a lot of research on them and they seemed real to me.

(There is an awkward pause.)

CO: Sooooooo, Star Trek!

ZS: Oh, yes, I was in that one, too.

CO: Big year for you. Huge year. Really a giant year.

ZS: I guess so.

CO: All the nerds are in an uproar, they are saying you are a geek dream girl.

ZS: That’s so nice of them to say.

CO: You think? Actually, it was me that said it, then. So I want the credit.

ZS: Okay, that was very sweet of you.

CO: I also would say you are HIAC.

ZS: What’s that?

CO: It’s an acronym I made up. It means “Hot In Any Color.” And I also pronounce it like you pronounce Selma Hayek’s last name, because she is a HIAC, also.

ZS: You made that up?

CO: Oh yes, I’m very creative.

ZS: It would seem so . . .

CO: I won an award in third grade. It was just a certificate, but . . . I had it framed. Want to see it?

ZS: Um, no thank you.

(Awkward pause.)

CO: You know, you are possibly HIACer than even Selma Hayek.

ZS: What does that mean?

CO: Well, you are hot in black, your original color.

ZS: I'm Dominica—

CO: And you were hot as the blue chic in Avatar and you were really super smoking hot as the green chic in Star Trek!

ZS: Hold on. I didn’t play the—

CO: That was body paint, right? The green one? How do you get that job, putting on the body paint? Because I’m a legal secretary, but really I’d like to—

ZS: That wasn’t—

CO: I mean, do you apply for that job? Like, do you just give them some finger paints you did in third grade as a resume? You know, “Look, I can do red, or green, or blue or whatever color the aliens are in this freaking movie!”

(CO laughs heartily.)

CO: (To himself) Man, that was funny. (To Zoe) I’m really just kidding. About the resume—not about the fact that I want that job.

ZS: Look, I actually played Uhura in Star Trek.

(A bit of a pause)

CO: No shiz, really?! I thought you were the green chic! Wow, you just blew my mind! Totally blew my mind.

ZS: Well, it’s true.

CO: This whole time, wow, I am, those body paints can really mess with you, you know! Who was that green chic! Was that Kate Winslet? I know James Cameron likes to use her in his movies.

ZS: It wasn’t, James Cameron didn’t even direct Star Trek—

CO: And it was probably her because she was pretty curvy. I mean, I would recognize those curves, I’ve looked at a lot of Kate Winslet pictures on the internet. Maybe it was one of those plump girls from the Dove ads.

ZS: You’re kind of freaking me out here.

CO: It might have also been Alyssa Milano. Either way, that green chic was really hot, don’t you think?

ZS: She was okay. Umm . . .

CO: I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like black girls and white girls too, but that green chic—Ga Ga Goom!

ZS: You’re really starting to piss me—

CO: Did you get that! Did you? I said, “Ga Ga Goom!” because she was green! You know, the “g” sound for “green!”

ZS: I didn’t really get that one, no.

(She starts to look for an exit.)

CO: That was a pretty funny callback! I could have said “Zow-ie!” and it would have been a call back, too, but not as good of one. Maybe “Gow-ie!”

ZS: Sure, sure, whatever. Look, I think I better get going . . .

CO: What were we even talking about? Oh, yeah! Star Wars! So you played Uhura? Which one was she?

ZS: The communications officer.

CO: Umm, no, not remembering that one.

ZS: You know, Uhura? The lead female role.

CO: No, that was Winona Ryder, I think.

ZS: No, she was in it but she wasn’t the lead.

CO: She’s cute, though. She’s no HAIC, but still. And you were which one again?

ZS: I was on the bridge, in the red uniform. The lead.

CO: You were cute, right?

ZS: I hope so.

CO: Did you make out with Spock and have a touching scene in the elevator?

ZS: Sure, I guess.

CO: Whoa! You just blew my mind again! I thought that was Thandie Newton!

ZS: I get that a lot. We look a lot alike.

CO: So let me ask, was that you in Mission Impossible 3 or Thandie Newton?

ZS: Thandie.

CO: Oh, that’s good, that movie sucked. How about, Beloved? Was that you or Thandie?

ZS: Thandie.

CO: Because if it was you, you looked great in that one. Even in the pregnant parts, which is usually not the case, but because you were also crazy, I think that was kind of hot. You were a really hot, crazy pregnant girl in that.

ZS: That wasn’t me. That was Thandie.

CO: You sure? Because, I know that movie was awful and everything, and I’m thinking maybe you just don’t want people to know it was you. Plus Thandie Newton is telling everyone she played Neyteri in Avatar.

ZS: She is not!

CO: She is! She totally is!

ZS: Where did she say that?

CO: Well, if I do a fake interview with Thandie Newton she will totally say that! Here, I want you to put this on.

(Chris produces a can.)

ZS: What is that?

CO: It’s blue body paint. It should be non-toxic, although I got it cheap so it could have lead in it. (Taking off his shirt.) Can you just put some on my back and I’ll do yours.

ZS: I don’t—I don’t think—What’s going on here?

CO: I thought we could paint ourselves blue for the blog, you know, for art and stuff. A picture of you and me all painted blue like the girl in Star Trek.

ZS: That’s not going to happen.

CO: Okay then, how about green? (He pulls out another can.) Maybe green is the way to go. I probably look better in green anyway.

(CO starts to apply green paint to his back.)

CO: A little help?

ZS: Okay, this interview is over.

(Zoe stands up and starts to leave.)

CO: Please! Don't leave. The green paint is definitely non-toxic. I promise!

(She is gone.)

CO: Bummer. I should have interviewed Thandie Newton. She was great in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Green or Blue: What Would You Do?

Everyone is talking about Avatar these days (I haven't seen it yet!), and you have to hand it James Cameron: he figured out a way to make a blue alien female sort of sexy in a creepy way.

So of course this got me to thinking about sexy blue women, which in turn got me to thinking about sexy green women. Funny how my mind works. I even did a Google search for sexy women of various other colors, but it looks like green or blue is the way to go when it comes to thinking lurid thoughts about odd colored women.

So, in the interest of science (and by science I mean this blog), I have pitted some sexy blue women vs. some sexy green women, then polled myself on which I liked more. Here are the results:

Neytiri from Avatar

vs.

The Green Chick from the new Star Trek movie


WINNER: The Green Chick from the new Star Trek movie. If the truth must be told, green has nothing to do with it--I'm a sucker for the redheads. But she also has a great body, no tail, and I don't have to worry about her snapping me in two during sex.

On a side note: If this green girl went to my high school, I would have probably asked her to prom. I would have thought she was obtainable, for some reason, probably because she was green. I definitely would have asked her to prom ahead of the Jehovah's Witness girl that turned me down for "religions reasons" but then a year later went to prom with my best friend.

Mystique from the X-Men

vs.

The Green Chick from the old Star Trek series

WINNER: Mystique from the X-Men. Okay, maybe it's the red hair again. Or maybe it's the fact that I know that Rebecca Romijn is underneath all that makeup. But really it's the fact that I have had a bad track record in dealing with bra fasteners, and that doesn't look like it would be a problem when dealing with Mystique.

Another side note: If you were a green girl, wouldn't you avoid wearing a green dress? Imagine how striking you would be if you wore a white dress to go with your green skin. If I asked this green girl to a Christmas party (something I would not ask the Jehovah's Witness girl to, for religious reasons) I would expect her to wear red. And for Halloween I'm thinking she could wear orange and go as a slutty pumpkin. It would be a no brainer, right?

Smurfette

vs.

She-Hulk

WINNER: She-Hulk. These are both cartoons, but still, are they any less real than the blue and green beauties above? I think not. I picked She-Hulk because she has much better abs than Smurfette (who is a bit of a muffin top, I hear) and because word on the street is she's also funny. And I'm also an ass man.

Side note: If you do a google image search for "sexy [insert color] woman," you get some weird stuff. The same is true if you do a search for any super heroine or female cartoon character. I saw some pictures of Smurfette that made me blush. There are some sick people out there. I wonder what happens when you do a search for "Sexy Jehovah's Witness Chick?" Well, here is what you get:
I'm sorry I asked.

Let's take an awkward pause . . .

Soooooooooo, it looks like it's Green Chicks over Blue Chicks, 2 to 1. But just to make sure, I had to conduct one more scientific test:

Salma Hayek Blue

vs.

Salma Hayek Green

WINNER:

Salma Hayek Red!

Actually, after doing some thorough research (i.e., looking at a bunch of pictures of Salma Hayek), it looks like Salma Hayek Blue is the true winner.

I don't know why my wife puts up with me.