Wednesday, March 18, 2009

The Greatest Scene Ever Written

Greg and Mike have been NATtering about having written the greatest comedy sketch ever. Clearly, they suffer from delusions of glandular.

Here is the greatest scene ever written, as documented by Guinness, Nobel and Pulitzer.*

"Waiter Scene No. 6, Op. 68, F Major, “Pastoral”
also known as
"Recollections of a Country Life"
Written By Joe Janes

(Lights up on a mustachioed fellow sipping soup at an outdoor cafe. He notices something in his next spoonful and dumps the contents back into the bowl with malcontent flourish. He beckons the waiter.)

WAITER
Waiter!

(Phillipe, 50s, a career waiter who is tall, thin and generously nosed, approaches the table. He wears a tuxedo and has a red cloth draped over his extended forearm.)

PHILLIPE
Yes?

WAITER
What is this fly doing in my soup?

PHILLIPE
Fuck you.

(A bird tweets. A lonely dog barks in the distance. A gunshot is heard. A man, unseen, coughs while commuting to work on a train, also unseen. Lights s-l-o-w-l-y fade.)


* Craig Guinness, Phil Nobel and Potsie Pulitzer

7 comments:

Crump said...

WINNER!

GW said...

Mr. Janes, I challenge you to a duel. Nat Topping will carry the pistols in a box from whence we will draw them. Chris Othic will announce "Ten paces." Catherine Monahan, wearing a black veil, will weep for whomever falls, then will marry whoever lives, after changing veils. Geoff Crump will observe the whole occasion dressed as a squirrel, hiding in a tree and nibbling nuts.

Oh, and Mike Bauman will stand in for me. But not because I'm a coward.

Chris Othic said...

I believe if you averaged the Monty Python scoring system for all three scenes in question, it would be a 1.2, or .1 points below the quality of the worst scene ever written for RvD.

Mike Bauman said...

I don't get it.

Chris Othic said...

Ask Nat. He can tell you.

Nat Topping said...

Dear Mr Othic,

The infamous 1.3 sketch was written for Teatro Bastardo, not RvD. I believe Jimmy the Waiter was also written for Teatro Bastardo. Please get your facts straight before you run your mouth off like some sort of historian. Also, I love you and I am sorry if I hurt you just then. Also, fuck you.

Quit looking at me, everyone.

-Nat

WV: Colounce (n) - One Ounce of Colon.

Chris Othic said...

Sir Topping,

You are correct. However, please do not get the GREATEST CHARACTER ever written confused with this suite of the WORST SCENES ever written.

I love you as much as one man can love another without penetration.

Yours,

Sir Othic