My mom is awesome

She sent me this...

Protect Insurance Companies PSA from Will Ferrell

You want healthcare speech play-by-plays?

RvD has been spending our evenings doing last minute prepping and polishing of our new script for our first rehearsal tonight. Because of our creative diligence, I was unable to watch President Obama's speech to congress last night. However, my friend Michelle was gracious enough to text me updates. It's like I was there!

"Madam Speaker! The President of the United States!"

7:11 p.m. Mr. President is being Mr. Rockstar, with five full minutes of crowd surfing and high fiving.

7:12 p.m. BO hands JB and NP secret manila envelopes.

7:14 p.m. Full-on Democratic orgasm.

7:20 p.m. History lesson.

7:23 p.m. Heartstring tugging. Guilt tripping. Why, oh, why do I swoon when he condescends to me?

7:25 p.m. Fuck you, insurance giants!

7:27 p.m. Fuck you, Canada!

7:28 p.m. "Build on what works and fix what doesn't." (This will lead nearly every single article you read about this speech.)

7:28: The time for bickering is over. ... Now is the season for action.

Okay, this actually got really good. Here's the rundown of his plan:

If you have health insurance, nothing in this plan will require you to change your plan or the doctor you have. "Let me repeat this [Republicans]."

* It will be against the law to be denied insurance for a pre-existing condition.
* It will be against the law for insurance companies to drop you when you get sick or water it down when you need it the most.
* There will be no arbitrary cap on the amount of coverage you can receive in a year, or in a lifetime.
* It will place a limit on how much you can be charged for out of pocket expenses.

For people who don't have health insurance, he's creating a health care mega mall, a "new insurance exchange" where individuals and small businesses will be able to shop for health insurance at affordable prices. For people that still can't afford it, the government will assign tax credit based on need.

Essentially, people will be required to have health insurance, just like people are required to have car insurance.

7:36 p.m. "While there are still significant details that need to be ironed out" ... (audience laughs)

7:38 p.m. Sticking it to Sarah Palin regarding death panels. He calls it cynical and irresponsible. And gets a standing ovation.

7:39 p.m. Boooooo'd for saying the plan won't cover illegal aliens.

7:41 p.m. Boooooo'd from me for saying no federal dollars used to fund abortions.

7:42 p.m. "I don't want to put insurance companies out of business, I just want to hold them accountable." I can't believe how easy it is to watch this guy. Even when I was watching GWB to make fun it was seriously boring. This is like eating candy. Ba-rock candy.

7:46 p.m. His "no new taxes" is called "not one dime to the deficit."

7:48 p.m. Sticking it to Dubya on Iraq and tax breaks for the wealthy.

7:51 p.m. "I want to speak directly to the seniors for a minute. I SAID, I WANT TO TALK TO THE SENIORS ABOUT MEDICARE FOR A MINUTE!"

7:53 p.m. Health care pricetag = $900 billion over a decade.

7:56 p.m. "If you misrepresent what's in this plan, we will call you out." Damn, B.

7:58 p.m. Ted Kennedy's ghost can mail letters. Spooooooky.

8:01 p.m. Hope montage.

8:03 p.m. Crowd surfing round two. This time it's more like paddle-boarding.

8:06 p.m. JB and NP open their secret envelopes. It's a picture of GWB's face superimposed with, "What, Me Worry?"

8:07 p.m. Barack has left the building.

I'm posting this without Michelle's permission. She'll either get a kick out of it or will be really pissed. If this post disappears, you'll know which.

An Idiot's Perspective on Universal Healthcare

The below is crossposted to my other blog, Clever Title.

This weekend, I was flipping through channels on the TV looking for reruns of American Gladiators - the old ones from the 80's that rocked not the new ones - when I accidentally stopped on the news. I try not to watch the news because it's SO BORING but this time when I stopped there were all these people shouting at people in suits and I thought hey, that's kind of like me! I want to shout at people in suits too!

Why are all these people shouting at people in suits, I asked myself. And then the TV told me it was because of Universal Health Care.

Universal Health Care, what's that? I don't know.

So I call my mom, which is something else I try not to do because it's SO BORING and asked her what was Universal Health Care. And then she talked a lot and I don't listen sometimes because it's SO BORING but when she said Health Care is that you go to the doctor. And then Universe means everybody (which I thought was kind of dumb because Universe is all the stars and shit, but she said there were two meanings. Whatever.)

And then I put together the two words and I said "Holy shit, everybody goes to the doctor!" And mom said not to swear but it is too late so I hung up the phone.

And now I'm mad too. Because I hate going to the doctor!

And now, Obama wants to make us all go to the doctor! That's not right.

I don't go to the doctor much. I have health esurance from work but I didn't ask what it was when they gave it to me because I didn't want them to not hire me so I said thank you and now I don't use it.

But every time I did go to the doctor when I was little they poke this, and stick and needle in that, and shove there hand up there and it hurts and it also sucks and also I don't like it!! And that's me - I'm thirty-three years old. Imagine if Obama makes old people go to the doctor too. They're all old and how can they deal with being poked and needled and hands get shoved up the who knows where?

They can't and it's not right!!

So I say everybody needs to stop what they are doing on the Internets because the nakeds will still be there when you come back and instead go call their TV and tell them NO TO UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE!!!

Because it's not right!!!

God bless.