Opening Night

Last night was the opening night of our new show. Here is a not-at-all live blog of my experience:

(all times are CDT)

4:45p - Change my choice of pants from black Dockers to gray not-Dockers.

5:08p - Catch the inbound Brown Line train. Only one homeless guy grunts at me.

5:30p - Call my mom to tell her about the horrendous scene I wrote. She makes her peace with her God.

5:53p - Exit the Sedgwick CTA stop and am handed a postcard advertising several misspelled drink specials at a local bar.

6:00p - Arrive at Piper's Alley. Only one homeless guy grunts at me.

6:02p - Arrive at Donny's Skybox. Sugar Babe asks why I shaved my beard. I haven't grown a beard since 2005.

6:10p - The pre-show pizza arrives. I decline because I'm a fat person and, therefore, always end up with 15% of my meal on my shirt.

6:23p - While assembling the show programs, I realize that I haven't accomplished any of the things listed in my bio.

6:58p - A final runthrough of "The Post" results in great pain.

7:15p - Our audience begins to arrive.

7:30p - Showtime!

7:32p - Forget the one line I have in the opening scene. I instead recite Iceland's national anthem.

7:46p - For the seventh time, I ask George, "which scene is next?"

7:59p - My acting in the Restaurant sketch results in great pain.

8:11p - I forget my lines in the last scene and instead read The Great Gatsby to the audience.

8:16p - Final bows. The show ends. I ask George, "which scene is next?"

8:45p - Drinks at the Old Town Ale House. I tell the hot woman behind the bar about how great I was in the show. The bartender informs me that I've been bragging to the nude painting of Rod Blagojevich.

12:23a - Finally get to bed. I ask my wife, "which scene is next?"