News Flash: Cab Drivers Drive Like A$$holes

In driving my girlfriend to the airport early this morning (she's taking a beautiful four day vacation in beautiful Arizona with her beautiful parents at their beautiful home near the beautiful mountains surrounding beautiful Phoenix while I sit here in my cubicle) I came to a realization.

Not the realization that my life kind of sucks and that I'd rather be vacationing in Phoenix. Although now that you mention it, oh God....

No, the realization had to do with Cabs.

Until this morning, I had always assumed that the purpose of Cabs and Cab Drivers was for persons without cars to get from place to place as though they did indeed have a car. Thus instead of relying on Mass Transit they could hire a person to drive them to places like the airport, therefore saving them the inconvenience of having to drag their luggage to a crowded El station, wait for ten to fifteen minutes, and then stand next to someone's armpit for the remainder of the trip.

This explanation always made the most sense to me until this morning, when my life and my car's wellbeing was threatened over and over again by insane cab drivers dodging in and out of moving cars, concrete barriers and pedestrians.

It was then that I realized Cabs are meant to allow people to get places as though you were driving like an asshole.

Here's a scenario: I'm late to the airport and need to get to my terminal immediately in order to make my plane. I know that if I were to drive myself, I would have to obey traffic laws, respect the direction of traffic, pay attention to which lane ends where and stay semi-close to the speed limit. I know that if there is any hope, I would need to either drive like a huge asshole or know someone who would be willing to drive like a huge asshole.

And thus the Cab Driver was born.

Still gathering information to prove this to be a fact. I'll have a full 30 page report on your desk my Friday.