365 Sketches - We Did It!

Well, it was a little rough around the edges, but we made it through our 365 show last night, all in one piece.

I had a blast, from beginning to end, working with a super fun cast and bringing Joe's words to life, or at least something that closely resembled it. I'd do it all again in a heartbeat--which is only slightly longer than Nat had to perform "Still Life" when a music snafu made our three and a half minute scene into about a minute and half. I love live theater.

Here are some fun pics of the show that were originally posted here by Don Hall over at the 365 Sketches Blog. (Which reminds me, there are still four more nights of shows! Go see some by clicking here to get your tickets.)

Geoff Crump laments sending an email in all caps to the entire office in "Stop SHOUTING." From left to right: Geoff Crump, Mackenzie Yeager, Mike Bauman, Becca Levine, Chris Othic, Nat Topping.

Nat Topping shares a "funny" idea with his sketch comedy writing class in "A Thing I Wrote." From left to right: Mike Bauman, Chris Othic, Becca Levine, Geoff Crump, Nat Topping and Mackenzie Yeager.

Becca Levine smokes a pipe in the background as Geoff Crump tells why his "Unicorn" is better than Mackenzie Yeager's "Clap" in "The Unicorn and the Vengeance."

Geoff Crump and King Kong (Tamara Raphaeli) fail to impress a tough crowd in "The Eighth Wonder of the World."

My awards (which will probably mean nothing to you if you didn't see the show), as follows (and based on some stuff I heard from others after the show):

Best Line Not Written By Joe Janes: Geoff Crump - "Let me put my shirt back on!"
Castmember Who Seemed to Be Having the Most Fun: Mackenzie Yeager and her imaginary suit of armor in "The Unicorn and the Vengeance"
Best Display of A King Kong Rampage If King Kong Was Blind: Tamara Raphaeli
Best Transition Music of All Time That Should Have Been 30-45 Seconds Longer: Going into "The Eighth Wonder of the World" (A Very Short Night On Bald Mountain)
Best Scene That Should Have Been 3 Minutes Longer: "Still Life"
Biggest Surprise: We somehow actually sang Joe's clunky ass lyrics to "A Gospel Song For Atheists" and the audience loved it
Worst English Accent: Still Kevin Kostner in 1991's "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves"
Second Worst English Accent: Chris Othic in "The Curse of The Speckled Bullet"

I'm sure there are other awards to give that are too numerous to mention. And as a word of advice, I would tell anyone that ever considered directing and also acting in a sketch show that if you don't get yourself an assistant director from day one you are an idiot.

All in all, it was a great thrill. I want to thank my great cast, Tamara Raphaeli for stepping in at the last minute to help assistant direct and be the gorilla wrangler, Joe for writing the show, Don Hall for his superb producing skills, and Jess McCloud for stage managing under some insane circumstances.

This whole experience was like eating the finest meal at Skarki's. And when we carried off the Stanley Cup at the end, it was glorious. Totally glorious.

Show Review: Crassus

How do you review a show before it even happens? Well, like this:

The mantastic comedy duo of Crassus (Nat Topping and Geoff Crump) appeared at Fizz Bar tonight (Tuesday, May 11 at 7:30 p.m.) and killed (figuratively if not almost literally when they got in a knife fight on stage during their 12-minute set). These guys are the first spin-off* from local faves Robot vs. Dinosaur, a sketch comedy group that ranks somewhere below Monty Python and far above Think Tank and whom you should definitely be on the lookout for.

But I digress. We’re here to talk about Crassus. I really liked the show, which was a unique blend of dark humor, relationship exploration and dick joke after dick joke after somebody shat in my hand joke.

A brief breakdown of tonight’s scenes (most likely, since the show hasn’t even happened yet):

The show opened with Nat feeding Geoff grapes. The grapes were sour, however, and the end result was not only a unique play on the phrase “sour grapes” but also an exploration of what it means to be in love.

After a quick black out to move a single chair (this bit became a running part of the show and eventually led to the previously mentioned knife fight) the lights came up and the audience was hit in the face with some more comedy. In what can only be described as a “masturbatory fantasy” Nat and Geoff explored the comic possibilities of masturbation as an Olympic Sport. I don’t want to spoil anything, but the end of this one would have made Gallagher proud. Gold medals all around for their object work, too.

The third scene was probably my favorite. These guys really explored character and emotion when they portrayed two gay Siamese twins who decided to adopt a one-armed baby and bring it home for the first time. I know that doesn’t even make sense but it’s one of those “you had to be there” scenes. That the scene was wisely played for drama more than comedy speaks a lot about the talent of Nat and Geoff as they explore what it means to be a parent, and what the meaning of home is for two gay Siamese twins who live in a sausage factory. Great object work in this one, as well.

Another great scene (see picture below) featured old Nat (played by Nat) coming back to tell young Nat (played by Geoff) how to live his life. This one brought tears to my eyes.


Young Nat (Geoff) and Old Nat (Nat) discuss life, love and the best way to pleasure a whale in a scene from Crassus' first show.

The next scene dealt with Nat and Geoff’s decision to be sewn together as a human centipede, and the ensuing problem when they both want to be at the back end of the monstrosity. I loved it when a scene that could easily have turned into an argument takes a strange turn and becomes so much more. And they both sing beautifully (which was impressive because by the end of the scene they had sewn each other’s mouths to the other one’s anus). This was also quite possibly the best use of the James Blunt song, "You're Beautiful" in any show I have ever seen.

The penultimate scene was so simple and touching (beware the double entrendre!) in its premise and execution that I don’t want to give it away. Let’s just say it involved a prop with a hole cut in it and the fate of the entire world is at stake when the dynamic duo have to decide what to put in the hole. This one doesn’t end how you think it will!

The final scene of the night (the show was “cut short” when Geoff literally sliced Nat with a blade) was an office scene where Geoff fires Nat for stealing office supplies. Maybe they were going to do a callback later that involved dick jokes or something, but this one was just a typical scene set in an office with office humor and also at the end you find out that Geoff and Nat are brothers. Meh.

The show ended, appropriately, with a stabbing. This was only right because Crassus had been stabbing the audience in the face with comedy for the previous 12 minutes. These guys know how to be funny and the running themes they explore such as love, status in a relationship and potty humor are right in their wheel house.

Overall, I’m pretty sure it was a great show even though it hasn’t happened yet. I highly recommend it. Check them out tonight (May 11) and next Tuesday (May 18) at Fizz Bar (3220 North Lincoln) at 7:30 p.m.--and it’s FREE!

*Other RvD members Chris Othic and Greg Wendling also have plans to do their own RvD branded one-woman show in the fall.

New Decade Resolutions. We Can Do This, People!

Now that it’s “A Whole New Decade!!” I like to use this arbitrary milestone marking the passage of time as an excuse to do those things that I’ve been putting off doing for so long. You know: stuff like learning a new foreign language or losing weight or trying not to be such a dick to the people who love me.

The usual stuff.

I feel that as a whole society it would be a good idea to isolate those ills which make life generally speaking suck and attempt to correct them. For the betterment of society (read: myself), naturally.

To that end, I would like to offer the following New Decade Resolutions. Please pass these along, add extras to the comment section, whatever you like.

RESOLUTION #1: ENFORCE PARALLEL PARKING REQUIREMENTS FOR DRIVERS LICENSES

I know that technically speaking people are supposed to be able to parallel park before they are allowed to get a license – I think it’s still part of the test, right? – but I know so many people who just kind of glossed over that part of the deal. Some assholes figure that the majority of the time when you park you’re pulling forward into a spot, especially if you live or are learning to drive in the suburbs, so it’s probably not necessary to know how to parallel park and be courteous about it.

Not true, assholes. Especially in the city, where everything is cramped and you are required to parallel park in order to fit everyone’s car. The result is that you have a bunch of people trying to leave three feet in front and behind then. Which, when you have a bunch of people trying to do the same thing, adds up quickly to several cars that could be parking on that street but can’t because you, asshole driver, aren’t able to properly handle your car.

RESOLUTION #2: STOP TALKING IN THE MOVIE THEATRE DURING THE MOVIE

Did people stop teaching their kids to shut the hell up during the movies? When did this happen? It seems like every time I go to see a movie anymore, there’s some fucker making snide comments to the fuckers they’re with. And it irritates the shit out of me. Particularly in a world where you can do the whole Direct TV thing and watch movies from the comfort of your own home and talk all you want. Do that, assholes. Otherwise, you’re paying $10 per person to sit in a dark room and irritate a bunch of strangers. And that’s just lame.

RESOLUTION #3: STOP THIS NONSENSE BEFORE IT EVEN STARTS

Follow the link and you will find that there are now support threads on Avatar forums – meaning forums devoted to the discussion of the mega blockbuster movie of the century Avatar – meant to console people who are overcome with depression.

“Depression?” you ask, “What the hell are you talking about? It was a good movie.”

That’s not the problem. The problem is that Avatar was so pretty that people don’t want to live in the real world. Quoth some dude at the forum: “When I woke up this morning after watching Avatar for the first time yesterday, the world seemed ... gray. It was like my whole life, everything I've done and worked for, lost its meaning…. It just seems so ... meaningless. I still don't really see any reason to keep ... doing things at all. I live in a dying world.”

Now I'm getting depressed. I'm depressed that there are people in the world who will seriously get depressed because a fantasy world is more fantastical than their everyday world. And that their response to this depression is not to just get over it and go for a lovely walk, but to sit in their mopey computer chairs on their mopey computers, writing mopey posts on mopey chat forums devoted to mopey mopery. Mope.

I know that we live in a world where everyone has to respect everyone else’s feelings and everyone’s opinion is important and what not. But sometimes you just need someone to look you sternly in the eyes and shout STOP IT.

STOP IT!

And this is coming from a guy who loves nothing more than to get dressed up, stand in a three walled room and play Make-Believe. Go take a walk or something.

Sketchy Santas

I already blogged about this on my blogging Mother Ship, Clever Title, but I thought I would share here on the Robo blog as well.


'Why?' you ask. 'Are you too lazy to come up with something new?'


To which I reply, 'Hey, it's Christmas. Kiss my ass.'


And then you're all like, 'What the hell, man? Nobody's making you write anything. If you don't have anything to say, then don't say anything.'


'You think it's that easy?' I ask. 'You try.'


'Fine, I will: This morning, President Obama managed to take one more step down the road to health care reform. But after a dramatic 1:00 AM vote on the bill, at what cost has this victory been achieved? This writer believes..."


'All right all right, you made your point. Could you please just shut up and enjoy the Santa pics? Look:


'That's kind of funny, right?'


'Yeah, okay,' you concede. 'I'll let it slide this time, but next time you better come with your A-game, Topping.'


'I forgot to say, I'm going to be in Arizona next week so I probably won't post anything,' I confess.


'Typical.'

Monday - Moon's Day

Not to shamelessly link to myself, but I've been doing posts on the meaning of each day of the week over at my other blog, Clever Title. Because I'm a nerd. And since I'm a lazy nerd who is apparently capable of only writing one thing a day, I'm posting a link here over to the Monday post I wrote for today. Click the moon below.

Great, that's done. Time for a nap.

Honk This

This is cross-posted at my blog, Clever Title.

You would think this doesn’t need to be said, but I’ll say it anyway: if you’re going to make a sign that says “honk if you like…,” and then someone honks, you are not allowed to be pissed at them for honking.

The other day, I was on the road when a couple of vans pulled out of a church parking lot carrying a group of kids, the type of vans that you rent from Enterprise or whatever. And there was stuff written on the van written in that car paint that washes off, you know what I’m talking about. Anyway, things like “Jeff, Sarah, Tobey and Mathias are the best!” and “Best trip ever!” and shit like that. “Save yourself for marriage.” I don’t know.

And one of those things said “Honk if you like Jesus.”

I’m flying by them in the left hand lane and I see these vans pull out and one of them says “Honk if you like Jesus.” And I’m in a honking mood already – some days you wake up and you say to yourself ‘boy I could really use a good honk this morning’ – just riding along looking for an excuse to honk and I see this sign that says “Honk if you like Jesus.”

So I think to myself, “Well, I certainly don’t dislike Jesus, that’s for sure. Do I like Jesus enough to honk my horn? Yes I do.” And so, I complied with the church van’s request and honked my horn.

Honk honk.

And as I pull up next to the church van, the driver is glaring out his window at me and mouthing what I imagine to be strong words of rebuff and discouragement. Not strong enough to be like “fuck you cocksucker” or anything like that because we’re talking about church dads here but still it was pretty obvious what he wanted to say.

And I say to myself, “Dude, you’re the one that asked me to honk here. You’re the one who said honk if I like Jesus. I’d think you’d be happy. I expect to be rewarded with a thumbs up or something and instead I get to see Reverend Douchie McBaggerson doing facial contortions?”

The only thing I could think was maybe it was a trap. Maybe they wanted me to honk if I like Jesus so that they can identify me as a Jesus liker, at which point they can scowl at me because they actually hate Jesus and they woke up looking to scowl. Which would be weird what with them coming from a church parking lot. But who knows?

So to conclude, please don’t shout at people for following your good natured instructions. Unless you’re a douche bag. In which case, you suck.

~fin~

Opening Day! It's Opening Day!

Okay, yesterday was officially opening day, but Nat was too busy bitching about the weather to acknowledge this, and if you live in a Midwestern or Eastern city with an outdoor baseball stadium, today is opening day--unless your games get cancelled again due to cold and snow. That’s also why I refuse to go to any games in April--unless someone has a free ticket . . .

Anyway, as a life long Kansas City Royals fan, opening day is usually the most enjoyable day of the season. Hope is still alive. All of the hitters could be potential All-Stars, the pitching staff may feature a Cy Young winner, and the bullpen has yet to start blowing games left and right. Yes, opening day is the day I let myself believe the Royals are going to do it this year and go all the way (to third place in their division).

My predictions for this season:

The Royals will win more games than the White Sox.

I will still somehow manage to lose money betting on the Royals.

The Cubs will win their division and somehow blow it in the playoffs. Cubs fans will be surprised by this.

Carlos Zambrano will say a lot of stupid things, but everyone will still love him because he is a dummy and can pitch really well.

Ozzie Guillen will do the same thing, except replace "pitch really well" with "manage really well and is entertaining as hell."

Some moron will pee in my yard after a Cubs game (I only live a block from Wrigley Field). That moron will possibly be a Robot vs. Dinosaur writer.

Lots of people will hate the Yankees.

Boston fans will continue their steady march to being as obnoxious as Yankees fans.

I will ignore my wife approximately 247 times while she talks to me during an “important” at bat.

My wife will get mad at me approximately 247 times for ignoring her during an “important” at bat and will point out that she is more “important” than any at bat.

We will eventually argue over various situations in which an at bat might actually be more "important" than my wife (I can think of a couple).

I will win approximately zero of these arguments.

I will find every excuse I can to wear my powder blue Royals jersey, and I will look great wearing it.

I will make it to a Brewers game and eat for the cycle (hot dog, bratwurst, Italian sausage and the Polish). I will also drink too many beers while eating for the cycle.

While eating for the cycle, I will get mustard on my powder blue Kansas City Royals jersey.

At some point I will throw my remote control across the room at the end of an "important" at bat.


I will use the greatest bottle opener of all time (at left) to open many, many beers as a misguided coping mechanism.

The Royals will lose way too many games, will get their one allowable "little league" All-Star, and will not win the World Series again and I will love every minute of it!

Your Team Sucks

How do you know your professional sports team is awful? As a Kansas City Chiefs fan, let me tell you.

You know your team is awful when they sign somebody else’s backup quarterback to be their new starter and everyone is excited. When everyone heard that New England had traded us Matt Cassel and Mike Vrabel for only a second round pick we thought “What a deal! Is New England crazy?” Maybe New England was doing us a favor because our new coach and general manager are buddies with Mr. Hoodie-wearing grumpy pants, Bill Belichick. Or maybe that was the best offer they could find. Either way, we were thrilled. Our lowly team that only won two games last year was trying to get better, and we just might have fleeced the football dynasty of this decade.

So consider me as one of those who was pretty enthused when I heard about the Matt Cassel deal--until I saw his picture. He is just so darn . . . cute. But not Tom Brady cute, more like Zac Efron cute. Not really the look you want to strike fear into the hearts of the opposing defense.

This tough guy?


Or this tough guy?


So now I’m dubious, at best. But it could be worse. At least my team isn’t getting ready to waste another in a long line of horrible draft picks on this guy from Georgia.



That’s Matthew Stafford, who will likely be drafted by the even-lowlier-than-the Chiefs-record-holders-for-suckiness-oh-and-16 Detroit Lions, also known as Nat’s Team.

Look, Nat, your new Quarterback isn’t even strong enough to hoist a keg of Busch Light on his own!

That’s right, I said Busch Light!

So, going back to my opening question, I guess the real answer is: You know your team is awful when your team is the Detroit Lions.

Sitting Your Ass Down and Writing & Relatives As Resource

As many of you know, I have undertaken the insane challenge of writing a comedy sketch a day for a year. Today is day 38! It's been fun, it's been nerve-wracking, it's been exciting, it's been disappointing, it's been insightful. The initial excitement and enthusiasm are waning and now the real work begins. Just like being in a relationship. Mostly, I've been happy with what I have posted. I haven't posted anything that I don't see potential in. Now, I'm too the point where I have forgotten some of the scenes I have written and am pleasantly surprised when I run across them. That's always a fun thing as a writer. What is this? Who wrote this? Oh, I did. Damn, I'm good.

The best part of the challenge is that I have written things that just never ever would have been written if I didn't paint myself in a corner to do it. Waiting for the right idea to come along is a waste of time. Might as well write while you wait.

It reminded me of an excerpt from an old Robowriters assignment when we were in the early, early stages of developing The Greatest Stories Never Told...TOLD! The scene referred to that Nat wrote was his insane Johnny Appleseed saga, which became one of the anchors of our show.

Last night's Robowriter's meeting was a lot of fun. The 8pm - 10pm group had the assignment to write a brand new ten page scene. Now, if you're primary experience is sketch writing, you're used to writing in 3-5 page increments. Trying to write a ten page scene can make your internal editor scream quite loudly and make your heart panic a little. Only three of the seven writers were able to accomplish this. Nat Topping wrote his in two hours the afternoon of the meeting! In the 6pm-8pm group, Scott Levy had similarly written a scene hours before the meeting based on one of the assignments from two weeks ago. It's the assignment I used last week to write my scene in forty-five minutes, also on the day of the meeting.

The interesting thing is, all three of those scenes were actually pretty good. All three need tweaking, but not a lot. There's a lot to be said for just sitting your ass down and writing. Especially under the pressure of a deadline. All three of us had the experience of not having much more than a sliver of an idea and all three of us were surprised by the results. I think it might come from trusting oneself. Or at least trusting that something good will come of it, even if it doesn't work on the whole.

ROBOWRITERS ASSIGNMENT: Develop a character based on a family member you may not know very well, living or dead - like an uncle or an aunt or a cousin. Write a scene where this character encounters something unusual.