Monday, November 30, 2009

My Theory for Otherwise Unexplainable Traffic Backups Caused During Holiday Traffic

The highways are crowded with holiday traffic, meaning there is an above average amount of cars travelling in the same space.

In Car#1: Idiot Driver is attempting to text a friend for a football score. He stops texting for a moment so that, phone in hand, he can pick his nose. Instinctively his foot, realizing that this is not the safest maneuver in the world, steps lightly on the brakes. That way if Idiot Driver does anything idiotic to cause an accident it will be done at a lower speed, thereby increasing the idiots chances of survival.

In Car#2: Aggressive Driver is tailgating Idiot Driver because she is in a hurry to get off the road. Aggressive driver is forced to hit the brakes to avoid accidentally driving up Idiot Driver’s tailpipe.

In Car#3: Slightly Irritated Driver must apply the brake as well. This causes Slightly Irritated Driver to become slightly irritated.

In Car#4: Over Reactive Driver sees Car 4’s brake lights come on and instantly slams on the brakes, momentarily stopping the car. Over Reactive driver swears, and then apologizes to the passengers, including four young kids, for the foul language and hard stop.

In Car#5: Mildly Unfortunate Driver must swerve off onto the shoulder to avoid hitting Over Reactive Driver, who has overreacted to the situation.

In Car#6: Car 6 Driver brakes to a slow crawl due to the shenanigans that just occurred in front.

In Car#7: Car 7 Driver must brake to avoid hitting Car 6.

In Car#8: Car 8 Driver brakes.

In Car#9: Car 9 Driver brakes.

In Car#10: Car 10 Driver brakes.

In Car#11: Car 11 Driver brakes.

In Car#12: Irrationally Angry Driver screams about how traffic has slowed down for no apparent reason. This makes Irrationally Angry Driver unpleasant to be around until thirty minutes after the end of his drive.

Irrationally Angry Driver curses the existence of whoever caused this random traffic backup. Meanwhile, Idiot Driver continues to text and pick his nose, blithely oblivious to the eleven other cars behind him.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Easiest Blog Day Ever.

Happy Thanksgiving!

In celebration of this grand tradition I'll be raping and murdering you and your family, then taking your land... which is slightly less terrible then forcing you to watch the Oakland Raiders play. Goodnight folks!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Santa's Shitty Scene Swap

Last year around the holidays the RvD writers gathered around the yule log and started what looks like is to become an annual tradition: Santa’s Shitty Scene Swap. Rewriting is at the core of this extremely fun exercise because each writer brings in a scene that they are done messing with, or can’t figure out what to do with, or one that’s just plain shitty and not worth further rewrites (in their eyes). We take turns drawing names out of a hat and reading these shitty scenes, and whatever scene you end up with is the scene you will do a rewrite on.

Whoever does the rewrite can simply do a new version, or just take a nugget of an idea from the scene and start over. One and all, that’s what we did last year. The real lesson in this exercise is that you shouldn’t get married to your original idea, because you might have the grain of an idea that can really be turned into an entirely different scene. A lot of the rewrites we had were more or less unrecognizable from their original versions, but you can definitely see what the writer took from the old scene. And I think two of these scenes actually made it into RvD shows this year--which would have never been the case based on the original shitty scenes!

As an example of how our rewrites looked, below is Joe Janes’ Santa’s Shitty Scene Swap submission (say that three times fast) from last year, and below that is my rewrite. Check it and see what you think.

In the meantime, I have to go through all my old files and find another shitty scene for this year’s swap, which means it’s definitely a tradition!

By Joe Janes

(Camera opens on two well-dressed guys standing in front of what appears to be a table with coffee and pastries on it. They both are drinking cups of coffee from cups and saucers.)

One helluva wake, eh Ted?

Yep. One helluva wake, Bob. But you know, Jim was always that kind of person. You could look at him and say, “Sheesh, what a gut. I’ll bet he’ll have one helluva wake.” And he did. One helluva wake.

Yep. One helluva wake.

One helluva wake.

Yep, one helluva wake. I can’t remember one better. When Ralph Smucker’s wife died, in that grape jelly accident, she had one heck of a wake. Nothing like this though. This is one helluva wake. Have you tried the sticky buns?

(Camera pans back to reveal coffee and pastries are set up on the lower half of a coffin. The upper half is open and Jim is resting peacefully. Ted reaches for more coffee.)

Sticky buns, sticky fingers. (They share a laugh.) No coffee! Jim knows I need my coffee! A man dies and nobody bothers to make an adequate supply of coffee! Not that he’d drink any of it, but you’d think they’d keep enough in stock! I need my coffee! I need my caffeine! I’m bitchy!

Gosh, Ted, take it easy.

Take it easy! That bastard! He knows I need my coffee! You bastard! You bastard!

(Ted begins to strangle Jim. Bob tries to restrain him. People in the background stop what they’re doing and watch. The funeral director breaks them up.)

Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Please don’t handle the deceased! The other mourners are trying to enjoy their croissants!

Croissants? We didn’t get any croissants.

Only the immediate family gets croissants.

You bastard! We were best friends and you didn’t give us any croissants! You bastard! Oops!

(Bob begins to strangle Jim. Jim’s head pops off. A woman in the background faints. The F.D. picks up the head daintily by the nose. He replaces the head.)

Look what you’ve done! I hope you’re satisfied. Acting like a couple of kids. It just so happens I have a few corn dogs left over from a wake yesterday. If you had behaved, I would’ve considered giving them to you.

Corn dogs? Gee, Mister. I’m sorry.

Me, too, Mister. I’m really sorry, too.

Do you two promise to behave yourselves?


Do you promise to stop touching the deceased?

We promise.

I don’t know.

Please, please. We’ll be good.

Oh, very well.

(The F.D. snaps his fingers and a pair of big hairy arms and hands from off camera hand him the corn dogs. He in turn gives them to Bob and Ted.)


Here. Now what do you say?

Thank you!

I’ll be keeping an eye on you two.

Not to worry.

(The F.D. exits.)

No more trouble from us.

(Pause. They sit. Pause. They both eat their corn dogs.)

This wake really sucks, eh Ted?

Yep. It really sucks, Bob.



Chris Othic
January 21, 2009 (Version 1)


(BOB and TED are in a funeral parlor. They each have a drink. There is a casket, and flowers, and an assortment of folks weeping.)

Man, I can’t believe Jim is gone. One day he’s there, and the next thing you know he’s gone. He should have given up the motorcycle a long time ago.

It was his time. What a tragedy. It’s awesome that he had a bar set up at his funeral though.

But a cash bar? That’s kind of tacky, isn’t it?

And poor Beth, I don’t know how she’s gonna get by. They were basically broke. I don’t even know how she’s paying for the funeral.

(Reverend Powell steps forward.)

Please gather around as we take a moment to honor the life of Jim Weldon, husband and friend to so many. But first, the widow Weldon would like to speak.

Thank you all for coming. It really makes things easy in these hard times. Jim would have been happy to know he had so many friends. And it’s good he had so many, because in order to pay for this funeral, we’ve decided to charge a ten dollar cover.

(There is a murmur.)

I’m so sorry to have to do it, but there’s just no other way to pay for the funeral. It’s either this or bury my Jimmy in a cardboard box. The pallbearers will be around to collect. Kids under 12 are only five dollars. 3 and under is free with one paid adult admission. And sorry, no seniors discounts.

(A couple of pall bearers start to pass a hat.)

A cover charge? Ironic, isn’t it.

Jim would go out of his way to avoid a cover. I doubt he would approve of this.

And I doubt that ten bucks a head will pay for this funeral, anyway.

Thank you all for understanding. Now then, let us say a short prayer:

Eternal rest, grant unto them, O Lord,
and let perpetual light shine upon them.
May the souls of the faithful departed
through the mercy of God rest in peace.
And Oh Lord, let them know, that they may receive
A Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny’s that is Heavenly.
And affordable. Amen.

That prayer was brought to you by the local Denny’s, one of our funereal sponsors.

They have sponsors?

I wondered what all those signs were over by the flowers arrangements. It looks like the outfield wall at Dodger Stadium.

Bob would be pissed if he saw that Honda was a sponsor. He died on a Harley.

(The Pall Bearers stand.)

Thanks everyone for coming. We’d like to sing this song for our good friend Jim, who always appreciated a good Negro Spiritual.

And a Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny’s. Sorry, they paid for three mentions during the funeral. Just giving them their money’s worth.

Swing low, sweet chariot,
Comin' for to carry me home;
Swing low, sweet chariot,
Comin' for to carry me to a:

(The Pall Bearers start to sway and break into the Subway song.)

Five. Five Dollar. Five Dollar Foot Long.
We know that Jim is gone!
Subway! Eat Fresh!

I’d like to point out that Subway has also donated a couple of six footers for the after funeral gathering. Please consider them in the future when you are hungry.

But Jim didn’t even like Subway! He was a Quizno’s man, all the way!

Well, Subway is his friend in death.

Let me take a moment to point out that before the final viewing of the body, there is a merchandise stand outside the chapel where you can buy DVD screeners of the funeral for home viewing, snacks for the internment, and T-Shirts or Hoodies honoring the deceased that Beth had printed last night. Can one of you fellas bring one up?

(Pall Bearer 1 brings up a T-Shirt and holds it up. It’s just a picture of a torso with no head and says “RIP Jim” on it.)

You’d think they would have taken the picture before the accident.

We have ones in red, and also pink for the ladies.

And we’re all out of extra larges.

(A couple people mumble in disappointment.)

Okay, will folks please come up and pay their respects before we move out to the cemetery for the internment.

That’s an additional five dollars. Cash only, please.

Are you going up?

I’m not paying $5.

Come on. Don’t you want to see what they did with his head? I’ll cover you.

(Bob and Ted pay Beth and walk up to the casket.)


That’s a little over the top, don’t you think?

It’s a wheel of cheese.

That’s head cheese from the Cheese Barrel. We’re serving that at the after dinner, too.

The smiley face is a nice touch. He looks happy.

This is ridiculous. He looks like a Nascar Driver. Jim hated Nascar.

But their economic model works great for a funeral. I just wish I could’ve got more sponsors to put on the coffin.

Whoa! What’s going on down there?

The embalming was sponsored by Viagra.

Well, they could have at least had him wear some pants.

Advertising is all about exposure. It made up for the fact that we couldn’t get a tattoo on his forehead.

(To Beth.) I can see why you miss him, though.

He was a good man. Horrible with money, though. He sure put me in a bind here. We’re still a few dollars short. Reverend, any suggestions?

Everyone! Everyone! Beth has fallen just a few dollars short of her goal to pay for the funeral. So we have decided to take a page from the wedding playbook, and we are offering a one dollar dance with Jim’s body. Pallbearers, if you could give me hand.

(The pallbearers start to pull a headless Jim out of the casket.)

Let’s go.

Denny’s! That’s three.


Monday, November 23, 2009

School's Out...

...or at least until January.

We just wrapped up a successful run of Mrs. Gruber's Ding Dong School this past Saturday at the Gorilla Tango. Under normal circumstances, this would be the time for mopey blog posts about how I'm going to miss everyone and how thankful we are for our excellent actors and how great of a time we had putting the whole thing together.

Luckily, we can forestall that by a couple of months!

Mrs Gruber is going to Chicago Sketchfest!

That's right, kiddies, you heard it here first. January 9th at 7:00 PM. Be there!

Friday, November 20, 2009

Sweepstakes Winner Gibberish

“I won a car!” – Dan Sadleir
“I won $100,000!” – Martha Redding
“I won a vacation!” – Sue Dreyfus

These are three of the many various quotes posted in Subway stores right now to promote some sweepstakes they’re doing. They also serve as a reminder to me that if I ever win a Subway sweepstakes, to speak only gibberish for several weeks so that my sticker will say:

“Nestle here farm apes!” – Greg Wendling
“Punch it here!” – Greg Wendling
“Fish have lasers!” – Greg Wendling
“Carlos hairplug fire squirt!” – Greg Wendling

While it's the least nonsensical, “Punch it here!” may be my favorite, because in addition to it having nothing to do with the sweepstakes, my quote (like all the others) will be a stick-on decal they put on the sneeze guard for customers to see as they stand in line. "Punch it here!" would encourage people to punch the glass, which could only have delightful consequences.

What would your quote say?

Thursday, November 19, 2009

My Dream

I am at the grocery store (Dominick's for those that know it). I am getting ready to go to Ian and Travis' parties. They are each having a party, not having one party together. I haven't really been walking through the store, I just end up at the front waiting to get into a checkout line with a couple items in hand. Candy bars I think. Oh, there is a Dominick's pizza. The uncooked kind that I just toss in the oven at home myself. Yum yum, I'll grab that. Once again I am waiting not in an actual checkout line, I am simply waiting to decide which line I want to go to. There are a couple people next to me contemplating the same decision. As I am waiting I see beer in the front of the store. It's in you standard beer cooling shelves, but the cooling shelves are located at the very front of the store right next to the sliding doors. Strange place to put the beer cooling shelves I think for a second. My mind then jumps to the remembrance that to be a stand-up individual I should probably bring some beer to the party. However I am poor, so I can't buy beer for both parties. Plus I now have this pizza that is digging into my finances. What to do, what to do? In the midst of this contemplation I have chosen a checkout line and am in fact already in the process of checking out. As the checkout lady scans my pizza I realize that I can't get the pizza, not so much because of my financial situation, but more so the fact that today is Friday and I will not be going home until Sunday because I will be at these parties until at least Sunday, and I don't think I can keep the pizza unrefrigerated for that long. The thought finishes just after the checkout girl has finished ringing me up and gives me the total due. say "I'm sorry. I messed up. I no longer want the pizza, so please refund it back to me." The checkout girl looks at me as if I just asked to eat the legs off of her puppy. "You can just leave it out" she says. How did she know I was worried about leaving the pizza out for two days? Get out of my head checkout girl! I still don't trust the unrefrigerated pizza approach so I ask again to have the pizza refunded and then I'll grab some beer in it's place. The checkout girl disappears. I wait and wait. Maybe she is going to get a manager. Maybe she went on break. Why can't I just return this pizza? Waiting... waiting.... waiting.... and then I wake up.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Chris Makes The Call

In the wake of New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick’s call to go for a first down from his own 30-yard line with 2:08 remaining in Sunday’s game against Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts, and the ensuing dissection of his call (you can read about it here and here and here and here and argue about it yourself right here), I have decided to go back to my college years and break down some of my own calls in big spots in my life. Feel free to agree or disagree with my assessment in the comments section, or share some of your own big calls.


In the Spring of 1991, Chris and his buddies bought a couple cases of beer and as a joke, a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20. Later that same night, after all the beer was gone, Chris and his buddies were faced with a decision: Should they crack open the Mad Dog?

Let’s break it down:

Pros: By cracking open the Dog, Chris would ensure that the party would keep going. Everyone would get rowdier and drunker, and they would have the “I drank Mad Dog last night” excuse to fall back on if things went crazy.

Cons: Purple lips.

The Call: Chris went for it, but his buddies declined. They left shortly thereafter and Chris was forced to drink the Mad Dog all by himself. He made a couple of booty calls, but was rejected. When it was all said and done, all Chris had to show for the night was purple lips and a raging hangover.

The Verdict: BAD CALL!


In the winter of 1996, in the second year of Graduate School, Chris found himself in an intriguing position. He had found himself very drunk and with a slightly rotund, two-tone haired, even drunker female (of questionable morals). Alone with her in his apartment, he had to make the call: should he invite her to his bedroom?

Let’s break it down:

Pros: By inviting her to the bedroom, he was sure to end a scoreless streak that had extended into almost double-digit months. Also to consider is that no one saw them leave the party together, and there was a good chance no one would find out. He also had the “I was really drunk” excuse to fall back on.

Cons: Even for Chris, he was reaching down a level on the attractiveness ladder. Also, this chick showed some early warning signs of being absolutely CRAZY. He would also have to see her on a daily basis, however things went down.

The Call: Chris went for it. He invited her to his bedroom, turned off the lights and scored against an easy defense. In the end, she was CRAZY and all of his friends did find out about it. He had to deal with some good natured ribbing, and he was somewhat shunned by some of the more attractive girls in his circle for a while. He saw her in the hallways and class nearly every day. His scoreless streak did come to an end, though, and he went on to put up some pretty decent numbers over the next semester.

The Verdict: GOOD CALL!


In the spring of 1997, Chris found himself in another intriguing position—with the same girl. Alone in her apartment, he had to make the call: should he leave immediately or accompany her to her bedroom?

Let’s break it down:

Pros: There would be sex. Maybe no one would find out.

Cons: She was already verified as boil your pet rabbit CRAZY, he had already told everyone he would never do this again, and the other more attractive girls were just starting to warm back up to him. She had home field advantage.

The Call: Chris called a time out and decided to put up a prevent defense by telling her he had a paper due in the morning. She convinced him to have “one more” beer, however, and he fumbled when she took off her bra. Before he knew it, she was in the red zone, and scored against him on an end around. She even went for two and got it. No one ever found out, though, so the game was never considered to be official and did not go against his record.

The Verdict: GOOD CALL!


In the Summer of 1997, Chris found himself in another intriguing position—he was at a party with the same girl AND a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20. he was once again faced with making the call: should he go for a triple play in the coat room at the party?

Let’s break it down:

Pros: Sex in the coatroom.

Cons: Everyone would find out. Purple lips.

The Call: Chris swigged from his trusty bottle of Mad Dog and decided to go for it. She tried to ice the puck but he offered her some Mad Dog and shortly thereafter scored the hat trick while racking up a few penalties of his own. He and his Mad Girl eventually returned to the party each sporting purple lips. Everyone found out what happened in the coat room and he was sent to the penalty box for what was the beginning of another long scoreless streak. The play became legendary among his friends and they will buy him Mad Dog any time he wants it. The girl moved away and became a model. Chris recovered and went on to have a successful career with the ladies until his retirement in 2001.

The Verdict: GOOD CALL!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Mike Bauman Deserves to be Castrated

Mike Bauman is an awful man. He very obviously hates women. Why else would advocate the castration of women by surgeons such as Dr. Seuss? His blog post of November 7, 2009, is only the latest incident in a life filled with misogyny. Here are just a few of his dickheaded, chauvinistic offenses:

May 3, 2003 - Makes pumpkin muffins with walnuts. His sister hates nuts.

August 29, 1989 - Sorta laughs at an Andrew Dice Clay routine.

October 17, 1976 - Rips his mother's vagina to bits being born with that big old head of his.

June 12, 2008 - Opens his one-man show, "Hysterectomies Should Be Mandatory."

April 2, 6417 BC - Gives Eve an apple.

For these egregious acts, Robot vs Dinosaur has had Mike Bauman castrated. Here is a photograph taken at the moment of the snip.

Since the surgery, Mike Bauman is reported to have changed his ways and has released the following statement:

And to Think That I Penilectomy It on Mulberry Street

The Penilectomy Hats of Batholomew Cubbins

The King's Penilectomy

The Seven Penilectomy Godivas

Horton Hatches the Penilectomy

McElligot's Penilectomy

Thidwick the Big-Hearted Penilectomy

Scrambled Eggs Penilectomy!

Horton Hears a Penilectomy

How the Penilectomy Stole Christmas

The Cat in the Penilectomy

One Penilectomy Two Penilectomy Red Penilectomy Blue Penilectomy

Green Eggs and Ham

Penilectomy on Pop

Penilectomy in Socks

I Can Penilectomy 30 Tigers Today! and Other Stories

There's a Penilectomy in My Pocket

I Can Penilectomy With My Eyes Shut

Oh, the Places You'll Penilectomy!

Thank you,
Mike Bauman

Friday, November 13, 2009

Ten Little-Known Facts About John Adams

I missed the opportunity a couple Fridays ago, on October 30, to celebrate the 274th birthday of John Adams, one of my all-time favorite presidents. Here are some fun facts about the man.
  1. When his sailing ship to France nearly capsized in rough seas, used his pantaloons to create impromptu inflatable life raft. Then accidentally popped it with his razor-sharp toenails.
  2. Routinely hid George Washington’s teeth before big speeches.
  3. Ironically enough, though he abhorred slavery, he loved nothing more than writing letters to good friends.
  4. On separate occasions, shared a bed with Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, and Labyrinth-era David Bowie.
  5. Was the first president to (1) live in the White House, (2) do away with his powdered wig, and (3) to make it to the buffet table.
  6. Bowling legend Dick Weber won his third PBA title whilst using a life mask of an 87-year old John Adams in place of a ball.
  7. Invented “twooting,” a childish bed prank where a person farts into his hand, sucks the fart into his mouth, then blows it into the face of his bed partner.*
  8. Died July 4, 1826, the same day as Thomas Jefferson. But rock ’n’ roll will never die. It is here to stay.
  9. Before settling on “Peacefield” as the name for his estate’s garden, played around with the names “The Land of Milk and Hiney”, “Tee-hee, George Washington Wants To Mount Vernon”, and “Shitfarm.”
  10. Was misled by the authors of the Alien and Sedition Acts which he endorsed. Sincerely believed that Martians were planning an insurrection on the U.S. government.
* Confirmed by the memoirs of Abigail Adams and Labyrinth-era David Bowie.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Money ain't change nuthin'

I am poor. I am not alone either. There are probably more poor people in this country right now then there has been since the Great Depression. Please note that I have not based that statement on any actual facts and I have absolutely no plans on researching it. I also know that football has the gayest (and by gayest I mean most homosexual sounding) terminology out of any sport. Again, just my opinion. Anyhow... where am I?

So I hope to be rich, or at the very least living comfortably, sometime in the relatively near future. But no matter how rich I may get (fingers crossed, upon a star, rub the Buddha, break that turkey neck) there are some things I don't think I will ever give up:

Ramen Noodles - specifically Maruchan Ramen Noodles. So cheap, so tasty, so salt laden, so bad for you. I have loved these things since I was a kid and I still love them now. I have had to eat them out of necessity at times, other times I just eat them by choice. I actually just finished eating a pork flavored batch. By the way, Maruchan opened it's first plant in the U.S the same year I was born. We were destined to be together. Here is how you make Maruchan Ramen Noodles and consume them. Boil 2 cups of water in a pan on the stove, add the noodles, boil the noodles for about 3 minutes or until they are slightly soft and just starting to come apart easily, add the flavor packet, stir it up, turn off the heat, let the ramen sit there uncovered for 15 to 30 minutes (depending how long you can hold off consuming the delicious dish) so that the noodles soak in some of that great flavor, get out 2 slices of bread (I recommend cheddar bread from Mars Cheese Castle), use a fork to get out about half the noodles, place them on a slice of bread, put the other slice of bread on top, eat the ramen sandwich, consume the rest of the noodles that are still in the pot (straight out of the pot if you're nasty, which both me and Janet Jackson are), drink the broth. Don't judge me!

Cheddar Bread - I mentioned cheddar bread from Mars Cheese Castle in the last paragraph. Since most of you probably have never been or will never go to Mars Cheese Castle feel free to hunt down cheddar bread at your local bakery which, if it is smart, carries some kind of cheddar bread. I'm sure it's good there too, cheddar bread is hard to fuck up. Jalapeno cheddar bread is even better, but some people don't like the spicy. Bread can be pretty damn great on its own, so I applaud the person that said "You know what, I'm gonna make this stuff even better" and then promptly dropped a block of cheese into their bread mix before baking it up. You changed the world good sir or ma'am.

Nintendo Entertainment System games - I'm talking the old 8 bit NES system games. I still have an original NES hooked up to my TV, and I still play it. I will play it until no amount of blowing will get the games to work again (NES players should understand that last statement. Everyone please understand that I am now talking about fellatio in any way). Thanks to technology, specifically the Nintendo Wii, I can download some of those old games and play them even if my NES ever completely dies out. I never fully moved full force into the future of video games. I always liked Nintendo, so I always bought Nintendo. The Playstations and Xboxes are great, and if I was rich I would definitely buy them, but I find a lot of modern games as a turn off because they are so damn involved. Most NES games you can pop into the machine, turn on, and then play through the entire game from start to finish. I like that. It gives me a sense of accomplishment, and then I can sit back and enjoy the ending. Some games nowadays take up to 80 hours to complete. I just normally don't have the time to invest in such an undertaking, but I can still get through Bionic Commando in about 2 to 3 hours - an easy late night mission.

Bologna - I had a friend say that he stopped eating bologna the moment he moved out and started making his own money. I didn't understand why. I think its great. I don't eat it much, but that is because it isn't really good for you at all. I certainly don't feel that I am above it, and I think its just plain delicious. 7-11 poorboys are a favorite late night food of mine - ham, salami, bologna, and cheese on a sub roll. So simple. So cheap. So great. I also grew up in an area of the country that had fried bologna subs on most deli menus. So bologna was always a part of my life, and it always will be.

Macaroni and cheese - not a lot of justification needed here. I think this would be on many peoples' lists. So I'll just move on.

Sitting around the home in my underwear - Everyone does this right? I wear pants in public for everyone's benefit. When I am home, 95% of the time I have no pants on. A lot of time I won't even have a shirt on. It just seems like that sort of behavior is equated to poor people. Well put a hundred million in my bank account and I'll show you a very happy man in his big fancy mansion sitting on his ten thousand dollar leather couch with a giant smile on his face and no pants.

Cursing - Some people think cursing isn't dignified or perhaps it's juvenile and rich people with clout and status and such should act better. FUCK COCK ASS FUCK SHIT BITCH FUCK SHIT SHITTY ASS CUM, and so forth.

Occasionally re-reading the Ernest P. Worrell "Book of Knowledge" - Yes, that is the same Ernest as the "Ernest Goes to Camp" and "KnowhutImean?". And yes this book really exists, and I really own a copy, and I really read it. It contains such wonderful items as:

"Why I Don't Fly.

1. What if something went wrong with the plane, could you make it without it?

2. Things that live the longest - like elephants, giant redwoods, whales, and tortoises - rarely if ever fly.

3. The food they serve is terrible. What if the same people are fixing the plane?"

and this

"Things I Lie Awake Worrying About"

2. Who measured the equator and did he or she get hot.

6. What Cher is going to wear next week.

8. What to call the water between California and the rest of us after the earthquake - should it be the Baja Channel or the Gulf of Nevada."

and also

"Has the Tooth Fairy come out of the closet yet?"

I definitely found it funnier as a child, but like it or not it had to have some influence on me and my comic stylings and sensibilities.

So that's it for now. Bye.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Monday - Moon's Day

Not to shamelessly link to myself, but I've been doing posts on the meaning of each day of the week over at my other blog, Clever Title. Because I'm a nerd. And since I'm a lazy nerd who is apparently capable of only writing one thing a day, I'm posting a link here over to the Monday post I wrote for today. Click the moon below.

Great, that's done. Time for a nap.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

An Incredibly Unfunny Waste of Time

Have you ever wondered how incredibly unfunny it would be to take the titles of the works of Dr. Seuss and replace one word in each title with the word "hysterectomy?" Let's find out!

And to Think That I Hysterectomy It on Mulberry Street

The Hysterectomy Hats of Batholomew Cubbins

The King's Hysterectomy

The Seven Hysterectomy Godivas

Horton Hatches the Hysterectomy

McElligot's Hysterectomy

Thidwick the Big-Hearted Hysterectomy

Scrambled Eggs Hysterectomy!

Horton Hears a Hysterectomy

How the Hysterectomy Stole Christmas

The Cat in the Hysterectomy

One Hysterectomy Two Hysterectomy Red Hysterectomy Blue Hysterectomy

Green Eggs and Ham

Hysterectomy on Pop

Hysterectomy in Socks

I Can Hysterectomy 30 Tigers Today! and Other Stories

There's a Hysterectomy in My Pocket

I Can Hysterectomy With My Eyes Shut

Oh, the Places You'll Hysterectomy!

That wasn't worth it at all.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Fashion! Fashion! Fashion!

I don't know what's happening to me. Until a couple years ago, I never wore a pair of pants that didn't fall off my ass without a belt. But within the last month, I saw "The September Issue" (a documentary about the creation of the September issue of Vogue), I watched the entire 3rd season of Project Runway in one week, and today I received my newly purchased copy of Project Runway Season One. And I can't explain the elation I felt when I saw the manilla envelope in my inbox. I'm not sure why I love it all so much. Maybe I'm just waiting for something that rivals this scene from "True Stories."

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Cleaning Brings Surprises

If you have been on this blog at all in the past couple weeks you may have noticed we currently have a show running called "Mrs Gruber's Ding Dong School". It's all about a teacher and kids and puppets and school and the like (if you need a more detailed description, look through the previously mentioned last 2 weeks of posts - and for that matter why haven't you been to this blog before. Shame on you).

Yesterday I did a thorough cleaning of my apartment storage area. I have a hard time throwing things away, which is sometimes a good thing. I have a hard time throwing things away because when I look at something my mind says "Maybe I will study Latin again, so these conjugated verb sheets could come in handy" or "What if I suddenly need to write an essay on Bertolt Brecht and my internet isn't working and all of the libraries have been exploded up. I would feel like a right fool for throwing out these notes from my Theater History 303 class" or "How could I ever throw this story away. I mean, I guarantee that some day I'll stumble across it and it will be the perfect fit for a blog entry which I'm sure will make sense once someone invents the blog and tells me what it is because I've been dragging this thing around with me well before the inernet was even being utilized by everyday people." Well that day has finally come.

I submit below my own, original, childhood story creation. Based on the heading at the top it was an assignment for English class, it is a story, it was created by me on November 3 1988, and my name is Geoff. I do remember the assignment. We basically had to come up with some kind of alien creature of our own imagination, draw it, and then write a story about it. This is potentially the first story I ever made up completely on my own and actually wrote down. It is at least the earliest one I ever remember writing down.

I hear a lot of arguments about how video game violence and video game sex and TV violence and TV sex and violence and sex in commercials and violence an sex on the bus and drugs and lead paint and home environment and your drunken father/mother/grandma/dog and the whole despicable world in general warps young minds and makes people into the adults they are. If that is the case then I must have been through a lot of warped stuff that I certainly don't remember because, as you can see from this story which I wrote when I was 10 years old, my comic timing and sensibilities have not really changed much in the last 21 years. Neither has my handwriting.

Looking at this story now it still makes me laugh, and it helps solidify my belief that while our environment and upbringing can shape us a bit we are pretty much who we will be our whole lives from birth, although I'm sure the fact that I got an "A" on the project only reinforced my creative style. I have included the original drawing and story below, but for those who don't have super vision I will type out the story here and now (keeping all original grammar in tact). One note - the capital L nose is actual a cursive L, but I don't know how to type a cursive L on this thing. Enjoy:

My Alien

My aliens name is Winz Wonz and he comes from the planet Wing Wong Wang. He has a red body. Winz Wonz has a capital L shapes nose + two black round eyes. It has two legs and two arms with three fingers. He has two little green ears. He has five foot long hair that stands up. Winz Wonz has a mouth that looks buildings conected with a capital V.

Winz Wonz comunacates throug his hair. He feels slimy and doesn't smell to good. Winz Wonz doesn't have any organs. When talks it sounds squeaky.

I was trick-or-treating when he rode infront of me in his space car. We talked and described our planets. We played games and had fun. He seemed friendly. But when he was about to leave he pulled out a gun and shot me in the head.


I remember someone, it was ether my teacher or my mother, asking why the alien shot me in the end and I replied to the effect of "Cause its funny".

I have on several occasions suggested to the other RvD writers that we end sketches or scenes with someone just pulling out a gun and shooting the other person on stage. I guess some things just never change.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Not So Great Second Lines Of Novels

Below are what many consider to be some of the greatest first lines of novels. I have scoured libraries across the world, looking through many texts and author notes, and discovered that in most cases, the second line was even better. (Although, for unknown reasons these lines were never actually published, probably because they towered over and thusly diminished the author’s supposed great first line.) Here are a few:

“Call me Ishmael. As a matter of fact, call me any time.” - Herman Melville, Moby-Dick, 1851

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. It also a truth, not as widely known, that she will spend that good fortune on items for the toilet, parlor and bed chamber and stop having sex with him after the fourth year of marriage.” - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice, 1813

“Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. I can’t believe a thirteen year-old girl gave me the clap.” Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita, 1955

“riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs. Whoa, whoa, I've had a little too much opium.” - James Joyce, Finnegans Wake, 1939

“It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen. Obviously, the clocks were in need of fixing.” - George Orwell, 1984, 1949

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair. Or not.” - Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities, 1859

“I am an invisible man. I am also naked in the girls locker room.” - Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man, 1952

“You don't know about me without you have read a book by the name of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer; but that ain't no matter. Even if you did read it, they left out all the good sex parts with me and Tom and Becky.” - Mark Twain, Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, 1885

“You are about to begin reading Italo Calvino's new novel, If on a winter's night a traveler. It’s not very good, but the name sounds important and you apparently have nothing else to read.” - Italo Calvino (trans. William Weaver), If on a winter's night a traveler, 1979

“I wish either my father or my mother, or indeed both of them, as they were in duty both equally bound to it, had minded what they were about when they begot me; had they duly considered how much depended upon what they were then doing;—that not only the production of a rational Being was concerned in it, but that possibly the happy formation and temperature of his body, perhaps his genius and the very cast of his mind;—and, for aught they knew to the contrary, even the fortunes of his whole house might take their turn from the humours and dispositions which were then uppermost:—Had they duly weighed and considered all this, and proceeded accordingly,—I am verily persuaded I should have made a quite different figure in the world, from that, in which the reader is likely to see me. You should stop reading here unless you are an English teacher.” - Laurence Sterne, Tristram Shandy, 1759–1767

“Mother died today. Oh shit, and she forgot to pay the electric bill.” - Albert Camus (trans. Stuart Gilbert), The Stranger, 1942

“They shoot the white girl first. Okay, just kidding--they shoot the black girl first, dammit.” - Toni Morrison, Paradise, 1998

“For a long time, I went to bed early. Then I got married and just started to fall asleep in my chair.” - Marcel Proust (trans. Lydia Davis), Swann's Way, 1913

“The moment one learns English, complications set in. It gets even worse if they take up comedy writing.” - Felipe Alfau, Chromos, 1990

Monday, November 2, 2009

Tongue Twisters

A friend of mine at work is working on his diction. Why? Because he's an actor, and we actors have to do stupid things from time to time that seem completely silly to anyone outside of the acting world. Which, when you spend your time pretending to be someone or something you're not, is pretty much par for the course.

As a result, I've been hearing a lot of tongue twisters lately.

"I saw Susie sitting in a shoe shine shop.
Where she sits she shines, and where she shines she sits. "

There has to be a scene in there somewhere. We've done scenes about palindromes and bazooka bubble gum jokes. Tongue twisters could be fun. Of course, it might just make the actors hate us. And they don't always make sense:

"What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
- rubber balls and liquor! "

"Rubber Balls and Liquor" sounds like a fine title for my autobiography. Hmmm...

Anyway, here's a page with 410 of them. If you have a favorite, leave it in the comment section.

Sunday, November 1, 2009 Review

Mrs. Gruber's Ding Dong School presented by Robot vs. Dinosaur is running at Gorilla Tango Theater. The premise is kinda secret and I won't spoil it for you. Let's just say that Mrs. Gruber is hiding something. Rebecca Levine is outstanding as Mrs. Gruber. She plays a romper room style kindergarten teacher and speaks to the audience throughout the show and tells us that "Using your imagination is like recess in your head". The group of writers that make up Robot vs. Dinosaur must have been on a long recess when they wrote this show!

It is about 12 scenes long and each one is funnier than the one before it, building into a chaos filled, hilarious ending.

All kinds of visitors come through the school and the kids are wildly entertained. There were many many fine scenes. In one, the (drunken)man in the yellow hat from Curious George played by Conner Tillman visits Mrs. Gruber's school and auditions new monkeys because George has left him. He interviews a series of monkeys that are not curious enough until he find a very curious one in a wheel chair! In another scene, Andrew Kraft as a sad, disillusioned cloud, decides he wants to be a racist. He and his cloud friend, played by Erin Morrill, visit Whitey the racist (Conner Tillman), and learn some hatred. Whitey sings a very funny, awkward racist learnin' song that ends with "You don't gotta rhyme if you're telling the truth!" Andrew's sad cloud turns into an evil cackling hate filled rain cloud. One more great scene was a puppet, worked by Kraft explaining to the kids that you don't need to know how to read to have a fulfilling life. He goes on to introduce folks from all walks of life that can't read.

There are too many other laugh filled bits to report and the entire cast was top notch.

I recommend that you go see Mrs. Gruber. She can teach you to have a great night at Gorilla Tango Theater, 1919 N Milwaukee ave. Friday and Saturday nights at 8pm through November 21st, 2009.

-Lee Klawans, Chicago