Easiest Blog Day Ever.

Happy Thanksgiving!

In celebration of this grand tradition I'll be raping and murdering you and your family, then taking your land... which is slightly less terrible then forcing you to watch the Oakland Raiders play. Goodnight folks!

Santa's Shitty Scene Swap

Last year around the holidays the RvD writers gathered around the yule log and started what looks like is to become an annual tradition: Santa’s Shitty Scene Swap. Rewriting is at the core of this extremely fun exercise because each writer brings in a scene that they are done messing with, or can’t figure out what to do with, or one that’s just plain shitty and not worth further rewrites (in their eyes). We take turns drawing names out of a hat and reading these shitty scenes, and whatever scene you end up with is the scene you will do a rewrite on.

Whoever does the rewrite can simply do a new version, or just take a nugget of an idea from the scene and start over. One and all, that’s what we did last year. The real lesson in this exercise is that you shouldn’t get married to your original idea, because you might have the grain of an idea that can really be turned into an entirely different scene. A lot of the rewrites we had were more or less unrecognizable from their original versions, but you can definitely see what the writer took from the old scene. And I think two of these scenes actually made it into RvD shows this year--which would have never been the case based on the original shitty scenes!

As an example of how our rewrites looked, below is Joe Janes’ Santa’s Shitty Scene Swap submission (say that three times fast) from last year, and below that is my rewrite. Check it and see what you think.

In the meantime, I have to go through all my old files and find another shitty scene for this year’s swap, which means it’s definitely a tradition!

WAKE UP TO COFFEE
By Joe Janes
(Undated)

CAST

BOB
TED
FUNERAL DIRECTOR

(Camera opens on two well-dressed guys standing in front of what appears to be a table with coffee and pastries on it. They both are drinking cups of coffee from cups and saucers.)

BOB
One helluva wake, eh Ted?

TED
Yep. One helluva wake, Bob. But you know, Jim was always that kind of person. You could look at him and say, “Sheesh, what a gut. I’ll bet he’ll have one helluva wake.” And he did. One helluva wake.

BOB
Yep. One helluva wake.

TED
One helluva wake.

BOB
Yep, one helluva wake. I can’t remember one better. When Ralph Smucker’s wife died, in that grape jelly accident, she had one heck of a wake. Nothing like this though. This is one helluva wake. Have you tried the sticky buns?

(Camera pans back to reveal coffee and pastries are set up on the lower half of a coffin. The upper half is open and Jim is resting peacefully. Ted reaches for more coffee.)

TED
Sticky buns, sticky fingers. (They share a laugh.) No coffee! Jim knows I need my coffee! A man dies and nobody bothers to make an adequate supply of coffee! Not that he’d drink any of it, but you’d think they’d keep enough in stock! I need my coffee! I need my caffeine! I’m bitchy!

BOB
Gosh, Ted, take it easy.

TED
Take it easy! That bastard! He knows I need my coffee! You bastard! You bastard!

(Ted begins to strangle Jim. Bob tries to restrain him. People in the background stop what they’re doing and watch. The funeral director breaks them up.)

F.D.
Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Please don’t handle the deceased! The other mourners are trying to enjoy their croissants!

BOB
Croissants? We didn’t get any croissants.

F.D.
Only the immediate family gets croissants.

BOB
You bastard! We were best friends and you didn’t give us any croissants! You bastard! Oops!

(Bob begins to strangle Jim. Jim’s head pops off. A woman in the background faints. The F.D. picks up the head daintily by the nose. He replaces the head.)

F.D.
Look what you’ve done! I hope you’re satisfied. Acting like a couple of kids. It just so happens I have a few corn dogs left over from a wake yesterday. If you had behaved, I would’ve considered giving them to you.

BOB
Corn dogs? Gee, Mister. I’m sorry.

TED
Me, too, Mister. I’m really sorry, too.

F.D.
Do you two promise to behave yourselves?

BOB & TED
Uhunh.

F.D.
Do you promise to stop touching the deceased?

BOB & TED
We promise.

F.D.
I don’t know.

BOB & TED
Please, please. We’ll be good.

F.D.
Oh, very well.

(The F.D. snaps his fingers and a pair of big hairy arms and hands from off camera hand him the corn dogs. He in turn gives them to Bob and Ted.)

BOB & TED
Yeah!!!

F.D.
Here. Now what do you say?

BOB & TED
Thank you!

F.D.
I’ll be keeping an eye on you two.

BOB
Not to worry.

(The F.D. exits.)

TED
No more trouble from us.

(Pause. They sit. Pause. They both eat their corn dogs.)

BOB
This wake really sucks, eh Ted?

TED
Yep. It really sucks, Bob.

(FADE TO BLACK.)

**************************************

Chris Othic
“FUNERAL”
January 21, 2009 (Version 1)

CAST
BOB
TED
REVEREND POWELL
BETH
PALLBEARER 1
PALLBEARER 2
MOURNERS

(BOB and TED are in a funeral parlor. They each have a drink. There is a casket, and flowers, and an assortment of folks weeping.)

BOB
Man, I can’t believe Jim is gone. One day he’s there, and the next thing you know he’s gone. He should have given up the motorcycle a long time ago.

TED
It was his time. What a tragedy. It’s awesome that he had a bar set up at his funeral though.

BOB
But a cash bar? That’s kind of tacky, isn’t it?

TED
And poor Beth, I don’t know how she’s gonna get by. They were basically broke. I don’t even know how she’s paying for the funeral.

(Reverend Powell steps forward.)

REVEREND POWELL
Please gather around as we take a moment to honor the life of Jim Weldon, husband and friend to so many. But first, the widow Weldon would like to speak.

BETH
Thank you all for coming. It really makes things easy in these hard times. Jim would have been happy to know he had so many friends. And it’s good he had so many, because in order to pay for this funeral, we’ve decided to charge a ten dollar cover.

(There is a murmur.)

BETH
I’m so sorry to have to do it, but there’s just no other way to pay for the funeral. It’s either this or bury my Jimmy in a cardboard box. The pallbearers will be around to collect. Kids under 12 are only five dollars. 3 and under is free with one paid adult admission. And sorry, no seniors discounts.

(A couple of pall bearers start to pass a hat.)

TED
A cover charge? Ironic, isn’t it.

BOB
Jim would go out of his way to avoid a cover. I doubt he would approve of this.

TED
And I doubt that ten bucks a head will pay for this funeral, anyway.

REVEREND POWELL
Thank you all for understanding. Now then, let us say a short prayer:

Eternal rest, grant unto them, O Lord,
and let perpetual light shine upon them.
May the souls of the faithful departed
through the mercy of God rest in peace.
And Oh Lord, let them know, that they may receive
A Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny’s that is Heavenly.
And affordable. Amen.

That prayer was brought to you by the local Denny’s, one of our funereal sponsors.

TED
They have sponsors?

BOB
I wondered what all those signs were over by the flowers arrangements. It looks like the outfield wall at Dodger Stadium.

TED
Bob would be pissed if he saw that Honda was a sponsor. He died on a Harley.

(The Pall Bearers stand.)

PALL BEARER 1
Thanks everyone for coming. We’d like to sing this song for our good friend Jim, who always appreciated a good Negro Spiritual.

BETH
And a Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny’s. Sorry, they paid for three mentions during the funeral. Just giving them their money’s worth.

PALL BEARERS
Swing low, sweet chariot,
Comin' for to carry me home;
Swing low, sweet chariot,
Comin' for to carry me to a:

(The Pall Bearers start to sway and break into the Subway song.)

PALL BEARERS (CONT’D)
Five. Five Dollar. Five Dollar Foot Long.
We know that Jim is gone!
Subway! Eat Fresh!

BETH
I’d like to point out that Subway has also donated a couple of six footers for the after funeral gathering. Please consider them in the future when you are hungry.

BOB
But Jim didn’t even like Subway! He was a Quizno’s man, all the way!

BETH
Well, Subway is his friend in death.

REVEREND POWELL
Let me take a moment to point out that before the final viewing of the body, there is a merchandise stand outside the chapel where you can buy DVD screeners of the funeral for home viewing, snacks for the internment, and T-Shirts or Hoodies honoring the deceased that Beth had printed last night. Can one of you fellas bring one up?

(Pall Bearer 1 brings up a T-Shirt and holds it up. It’s just a picture of a torso with no head and says “RIP Jim” on it.)

TED
You’d think they would have taken the picture before the accident.

PALL BEARER 1
We have ones in red, and also pink for the ladies.

PALL BEARER 2
And we’re all out of extra larges.

(A couple people mumble in disappointment.)

REVEREND POWELL
Okay, will folks please come up and pay their respects before we move out to the cemetery for the internment.

BETH
That’s an additional five dollars. Cash only, please.

TED
Are you going up?

BOB
I’m not paying $5.

TED
Come on. Don’t you want to see what they did with his head? I’ll cover you.

(Bob and Ted pay Beth and walk up to the casket.)

BOB
Wow.

TED
That’s a little over the top, don’t you think?

BOB
It’s a wheel of cheese.

BETH
That’s head cheese from the Cheese Barrel. We’re serving that at the after dinner, too.

TED
The smiley face is a nice touch. He looks happy.

BOB
This is ridiculous. He looks like a Nascar Driver. Jim hated Nascar.

BETH
But their economic model works great for a funeral. I just wish I could’ve got more sponsors to put on the coffin.

BOB
Whoa! What’s going on down there?

BETH
The embalming was sponsored by Viagra.

BOB
Well, they could have at least had him wear some pants.

BETH
Advertising is all about exposure. It made up for the fact that we couldn’t get a tattoo on his forehead.

TED
(To Beth.) I can see why you miss him, though.

BETH
He was a good man. Horrible with money, though. He sure put me in a bind here. We’re still a few dollars short. Reverend, any suggestions?

REVEREND POWELL
Everyone! Everyone! Beth has fallen just a few dollars short of her goal to pay for the funeral. So we have decided to take a page from the wedding playbook, and we are offering a one dollar dance with Jim’s body. Pallbearers, if you could give me hand.

(The pallbearers start to pull a headless Jim out of the casket.)

BOB
Let’s go.

BETH
Denny’s! That’s three.

BLACKOUT

School's Out...

...or at least until January.

We just wrapped up a successful run of Mrs. Gruber's Ding Dong School this past Saturday at the Gorilla Tango. Under normal circumstances, this would be the time for mopey blog posts about how I'm going to miss everyone and how thankful we are for our excellent actors and how great of a time we had putting the whole thing together.

Luckily, we can forestall that by a couple of months!

Mrs Gruber is going to Chicago Sketchfest!

That's right, kiddies, you heard it here first. January 9th at 7:00 PM. Be there!

Sweepstakes Winner Gibberish

“I won a car!” – Dan Sadleir
“I won $100,000!” – Martha Redding
“I won a vacation!” – Sue Dreyfus

These are three of the many various quotes posted in Subway stores right now to promote some sweepstakes they’re doing. They also serve as a reminder to me that if I ever win a Subway sweepstakes, to speak only gibberish for several weeks so that my sticker will say:

“Nestle here farm apes!” – Greg Wendling

...or...

“Punch it here!” – Greg Wendling

...or...

“Fish have lasers!” – Greg Wendling

...or...

“Carlos hairplug fire squirt!” – Greg Wendling

While it's the least nonsensical, “Punch it here!” may be my favorite, because in addition to it having nothing to do with the sweepstakes, my quote (like all the others) will be a stick-on decal they put on the sneeze guard for customers to see as they stand in line. "Punch it here!" would encourage people to punch the glass, which could only have delightful consequences.

What would your quote say?

My Dream

I am at the grocery store (Dominick's for those that know it). I am getting ready to go to Ian and Travis' parties. They are each having a party, not having one party together. I haven't really been walking through the store, I just end up at the front waiting to get into a checkout line with a couple items in hand. Candy bars I think. Oh, there is a Dominick's pizza. The uncooked kind that I just toss in the oven at home myself. Yum yum, I'll grab that. Once again I am waiting not in an actual checkout line, I am simply waiting to decide which line I want to go to. There are a couple people next to me contemplating the same decision. As I am waiting I see beer in the front of the store. It's in you standard beer cooling shelves, but the cooling shelves are located at the very front of the store right next to the sliding doors. Strange place to put the beer cooling shelves I think for a second. My mind then jumps to the remembrance that to be a stand-up individual I should probably bring some beer to the party. However I am poor, so I can't buy beer for both parties. Plus I now have this pizza that is digging into my finances. What to do, what to do? In the midst of this contemplation I have chosen a checkout line and am in fact already in the process of checking out. As the checkout lady scans my pizza I realize that I can't get the pizza, not so much because of my financial situation, but more so the fact that today is Friday and I will not be going home until Sunday because I will be at these parties until at least Sunday, and I don't think I can keep the pizza unrefrigerated for that long. The thought finishes just after the checkout girl has finished ringing me up and gives me the total due. say "I'm sorry. I messed up. I no longer want the pizza, so please refund it back to me." The checkout girl looks at me as if I just asked to eat the legs off of her puppy. "You can just leave it out" she says. How did she know I was worried about leaving the pizza out for two days? Get out of my head checkout girl! I still don't trust the unrefrigerated pizza approach so I ask again to have the pizza refunded and then I'll grab some beer in it's place. The checkout girl disappears. I wait and wait. Maybe she is going to get a manager. Maybe she went on break. Why can't I just return this pizza? Waiting... waiting.... waiting.... and then I wake up.

Chris Makes The Call

In the wake of New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick’s call to go for a first down from his own 30-yard line with 2:08 remaining in Sunday’s game against Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts, and the ensuing dissection of his call (you can read about it here and here and here and here and argue about it yourself right here), I have decided to go back to my college years and break down some of my own calls in big spots in my life. Feel free to agree or disagree with my assessment in the comments section, or share some of your own big calls.

THE MAD DOG

In the Spring of 1991, Chris and his buddies bought a couple cases of beer and as a joke, a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20. Later that same night, after all the beer was gone, Chris and his buddies were faced with a decision: Should they crack open the Mad Dog?

Let’s break it down:

Pros: By cracking open the Dog, Chris would ensure that the party would keep going. Everyone would get rowdier and drunker, and they would have the “I drank Mad Dog last night” excuse to fall back on if things went crazy.

Cons: Purple lips.

The Call: Chris went for it, but his buddies declined. They left shortly thereafter and Chris was forced to drink the Mad Dog all by himself. He made a couple of booty calls, but was rejected. When it was all said and done, all Chris had to show for the night was purple lips and a raging hangover.

The Verdict: BAD CALL!

THE STREAK

In the winter of 1996, in the second year of Graduate School, Chris found himself in an intriguing position. He had found himself very drunk and with a slightly rotund, two-tone haired, even drunker female (of questionable morals). Alone with her in his apartment, he had to make the call: should he invite her to his bedroom?

Let’s break it down:

Pros: By inviting her to the bedroom, he was sure to end a scoreless streak that had extended into almost double-digit months. Also to consider is that no one saw them leave the party together, and there was a good chance no one would find out. He also had the “I was really drunk” excuse to fall back on.

Cons: Even for Chris, he was reaching down a level on the attractiveness ladder. Also, this chick showed some early warning signs of being absolutely CRAZY. He would also have to see her on a daily basis, however things went down.

The Call: Chris went for it. He invited her to his bedroom, turned off the lights and scored against an easy defense. In the end, she was CRAZY and all of his friends did find out about it. He had to deal with some good natured ribbing, and he was somewhat shunned by some of the more attractive girls in his circle for a while. He saw her in the hallways and class nearly every day. His scoreless streak did come to an end, though, and he went on to put up some pretty decent numbers over the next semester.

The Verdict: GOOD CALL!

THE FUMBLE

In the spring of 1997, Chris found himself in another intriguing position—with the same girl. Alone in her apartment, he had to make the call: should he leave immediately or accompany her to her bedroom?

Let’s break it down:

Pros: There would be sex. Maybe no one would find out.

Cons: She was already verified as boil your pet rabbit CRAZY, he had already told everyone he would never do this again, and the other more attractive girls were just starting to warm back up to him. She had home field advantage.

The Call: Chris called a time out and decided to put up a prevent defense by telling her he had a paper due in the morning. She convinced him to have “one more” beer, however, and he fumbled when she took off her bra. Before he knew it, she was in the red zone, and scored against him on an end around. She even went for two and got it. No one ever found out, though, so the game was never considered to be official and did not go against his record.

The Verdict: GOOD CALL!

THE HAT TRICK

In the Summer of 1997, Chris found himself in another intriguing position—he was at a party with the same girl AND a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20. he was once again faced with making the call: should he go for a triple play in the coat room at the party?

Let’s break it down:

Pros: Sex in the coatroom.

Cons: Everyone would find out. Purple lips.

The Call: Chris swigged from his trusty bottle of Mad Dog and decided to go for it. She tried to ice the puck but he offered her some Mad Dog and shortly thereafter scored the hat trick while racking up a few penalties of his own. He and his Mad Girl eventually returned to the party each sporting purple lips. Everyone found out what happened in the coat room and he was sent to the penalty box for what was the beginning of another long scoreless streak. The play became legendary among his friends and they will buy him Mad Dog any time he wants it. The girl moved away and became a model. Chris recovered and went on to have a successful career with the ladies until his retirement in 2001.

The Verdict: GOOD CALL!

Mike Bauman Deserves to be Castrated

Mike Bauman is an awful man. He very obviously hates women. Why else would advocate the castration of women by surgeons such as Dr. Seuss? His blog post of November 7, 2009, is only the latest incident in a life filled with misogyny. Here are just a few of his dickheaded, chauvinistic offenses:

May 3, 2003 - Makes pumpkin muffins with walnuts. His sister hates nuts.

August 29, 1989 - Sorta laughs at an Andrew Dice Clay routine.

October 17, 1976 - Rips his mother's vagina to bits being born with that big old head of his.

June 12, 2008 - Opens his one-man show, "Hysterectomies Should Be Mandatory."

April 2, 6417 BC - Gives Eve an apple.

For these egregious acts, Robot vs Dinosaur has had Mike Bauman castrated. Here is a photograph taken at the moment of the snip.

Since the surgery, Mike Bauman is reported to have changed his ways and has released the following statement:

And to Think That I Penilectomy It on Mulberry Street

The Penilectomy Hats of Batholomew Cubbins

The King's Penilectomy

The Seven Penilectomy Godivas

Horton Hatches the Penilectomy

McElligot's Penilectomy

Thidwick the Big-Hearted Penilectomy

Scrambled Eggs Penilectomy!

Horton Hears a Penilectomy

How the Penilectomy Stole Christmas

The Cat in the Penilectomy

One Penilectomy Two Penilectomy Red Penilectomy Blue Penilectomy

Green Eggs and Ham

Penilectomy on Pop

Penilectomy in Socks

I Can Penilectomy 30 Tigers Today! and Other Stories

There's a Penilectomy in My Pocket

I Can Penilectomy With My Eyes Shut

Oh, the Places You'll Penilectomy!

Thank you,
Mike Bauman