An Incredibly Unfunny Waste of Time

Have you ever wondered how incredibly unfunny it would be to take the titles of the works of Dr. Seuss and replace one word in each title with the word "hysterectomy?" Let's find out!

And to Think That I Hysterectomy It on Mulberry Street

The Hysterectomy Hats of Batholomew Cubbins

The King's Hysterectomy

The Seven Hysterectomy Godivas

Horton Hatches the Hysterectomy

McElligot's Hysterectomy

Thidwick the Big-Hearted Hysterectomy

Scrambled Eggs Hysterectomy!

Horton Hears a Hysterectomy

How the Hysterectomy Stole Christmas

The Cat in the Hysterectomy

One Hysterectomy Two Hysterectomy Red Hysterectomy Blue Hysterectomy

Green Eggs and Ham

Hysterectomy on Pop

Hysterectomy in Socks

I Can Hysterectomy 30 Tigers Today! and Other Stories

There's a Hysterectomy in My Pocket

I Can Hysterectomy With My Eyes Shut

Oh, the Places You'll Hysterectomy!


That wasn't worth it at all.

Fashion! Fashion! Fashion!

I don't know what's happening to me. Until a couple years ago, I never wore a pair of pants that didn't fall off my ass without a belt. But within the last month, I saw "The September Issue" (a documentary about the creation of the September issue of Vogue), I watched the entire 3rd season of Project Runway in one week, and today I received my newly purchased copy of Project Runway Season One. And I can't explain the elation I felt when I saw the manilla envelope in my inbox. I'm not sure why I love it all so much. Maybe I'm just waiting for something that rivals this scene from "True Stories."

Cleaning Brings Surprises

If you have been on this blog at all in the past couple weeks you may have noticed we currently have a show running called "Mrs Gruber's Ding Dong School". It's all about a teacher and kids and puppets and school and the like (if you need a more detailed description, look through the previously mentioned last 2 weeks of posts - and for that matter why haven't you been to this blog before. Shame on you).

Yesterday I did a thorough cleaning of my apartment storage area. I have a hard time throwing things away, which is sometimes a good thing. I have a hard time throwing things away because when I look at something my mind says "Maybe I will study Latin again, so these conjugated verb sheets could come in handy" or "What if I suddenly need to write an essay on Bertolt Brecht and my internet isn't working and all of the libraries have been exploded up. I would feel like a right fool for throwing out these notes from my Theater History 303 class" or "How could I ever throw this story away. I mean, I guarantee that some day I'll stumble across it and it will be the perfect fit for a blog entry which I'm sure will make sense once someone invents the blog and tells me what it is because I've been dragging this thing around with me well before the inernet was even being utilized by everyday people." Well that day has finally come.

I submit below my own, original, childhood story creation. Based on the heading at the top it was an assignment for English class, it is a story, it was created by me on November 3 1988, and my name is Geoff. I do remember the assignment. We basically had to come up with some kind of alien creature of our own imagination, draw it, and then write a story about it. This is potentially the first story I ever made up completely on my own and actually wrote down. It is at least the earliest one I ever remember writing down.

I hear a lot of arguments about how video game violence and video game sex and TV violence and TV sex and violence and sex in commercials and violence an sex on the bus and drugs and lead paint and home environment and your drunken father/mother/grandma/dog and the whole despicable world in general warps young minds and makes people into the adults they are. If that is the case then I must have been through a lot of warped stuff that I certainly don't remember because, as you can see from this story which I wrote when I was 10 years old, my comic timing and sensibilities have not really changed much in the last 21 years. Neither has my handwriting.

Looking at this story now it still makes me laugh, and it helps solidify my belief that while our environment and upbringing can shape us a bit we are pretty much who we will be our whole lives from birth, although I'm sure the fact that I got an "A" on the project only reinforced my creative style. I have included the original drawing and story below, but for those who don't have super vision I will type out the story here and now (keeping all original grammar in tact). One note - the capital L nose is actual a cursive L, but I don't know how to type a cursive L on this thing. Enjoy:

My Alien

My aliens name is Winz Wonz and he comes from the planet Wing Wong Wang. He has a red body. Winz Wonz has a capital L shapes nose + two black round eyes. It has two legs and two arms with three fingers. He has two little green ears. He has five foot long hair that stands up. Winz Wonz has a mouth that looks buildings conected with a capital V.

Winz Wonz comunacates throug his hair. He feels slimy and doesn't smell to good. Winz Wonz doesn't have any organs. When talks it sounds squeaky.

I was trick-or-treating when he rode infront of me in his space car. We talked and described our planets. We played games and had fun. He seemed friendly. But when he was about to leave he pulled out a gun and shot me in the head.

----

I remember someone, it was ether my teacher or my mother, asking why the alien shot me in the end and I replied to the effect of "Cause its funny".

I have on several occasions suggested to the other RvD writers that we end sketches or scenes with someone just pulling out a gun and shooting the other person on stage. I guess some things just never change.

Not So Great Second Lines Of Novels

Below are what many consider to be some of the greatest first lines of novels. I have scoured libraries across the world, looking through many texts and author notes, and discovered that in most cases, the second line was even better. (Although, for unknown reasons these lines were never actually published, probably because they towered over and thusly diminished the author’s supposed great first line.) Here are a few:

“Call me Ishmael. As a matter of fact, call me any time.” - Herman Melville, Moby-Dick, 1851

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. It also a truth, not as widely known, that she will spend that good fortune on items for the toilet, parlor and bed chamber and stop having sex with him after the fourth year of marriage.” - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice, 1813

“Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. I can’t believe a thirteen year-old girl gave me the clap.” Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita, 1955

“riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs. Whoa, whoa, I've had a little too much opium.” - James Joyce, Finnegans Wake, 1939

“It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen. Obviously, the clocks were in need of fixing.” - George Orwell, 1984, 1949

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair. Or not.” - Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities, 1859

“I am an invisible man. I am also naked in the girls locker room.” - Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man, 1952

“You don't know about me without you have read a book by the name of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer; but that ain't no matter. Even if you did read it, they left out all the good sex parts with me and Tom and Becky.” - Mark Twain, Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, 1885

“You are about to begin reading Italo Calvino's new novel, If on a winter's night a traveler. It’s not very good, but the name sounds important and you apparently have nothing else to read.” - Italo Calvino (trans. William Weaver), If on a winter's night a traveler, 1979

“I wish either my father or my mother, or indeed both of them, as they were in duty both equally bound to it, had minded what they were about when they begot me; had they duly considered how much depended upon what they were then doing;—that not only the production of a rational Being was concerned in it, but that possibly the happy formation and temperature of his body, perhaps his genius and the very cast of his mind;—and, for aught they knew to the contrary, even the fortunes of his whole house might take their turn from the humours and dispositions which were then uppermost:—Had they duly weighed and considered all this, and proceeded accordingly,—I am verily persuaded I should have made a quite different figure in the world, from that, in which the reader is likely to see me. You should stop reading here unless you are an English teacher.” - Laurence Sterne, Tristram Shandy, 1759–1767

“Mother died today. Oh shit, and she forgot to pay the electric bill.” - Albert Camus (trans. Stuart Gilbert), The Stranger, 1942

“They shoot the white girl first. Okay, just kidding--they shoot the black girl first, dammit.” - Toni Morrison, Paradise, 1998

“For a long time, I went to bed early. Then I got married and just started to fall asleep in my chair.” - Marcel Proust (trans. Lydia Davis), Swann's Way, 1913

“The moment one learns English, complications set in. It gets even worse if they take up comedy writing.” - Felipe Alfau, Chromos, 1990

Tongue Twisters

A friend of mine at work is working on his diction. Why? Because he's an actor, and we actors have to do stupid things from time to time that seem completely silly to anyone outside of the acting world. Which, when you spend your time pretending to be someone or something you're not, is pretty much par for the course.

As a result, I've been hearing a lot of tongue twisters lately.

"I saw Susie sitting in a shoe shine shop.
Where she sits she shines, and where she shines she sits. "

There has to be a scene in there somewhere. We've done scenes about palindromes and bazooka bubble gum jokes. Tongue twisters could be fun. Of course, it might just make the actors hate us. And they don't always make sense:

"What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
- rubber balls and liquor! "

"Rubber Balls and Liquor" sounds like a fine title for my autobiography. Hmmm...

Anyway, here's a page with 410 of them. If you have a favorite, leave it in the comment section.

Examiner.com Review

Mrs. Gruber's Ding Dong School presented by Robot vs. Dinosaur is running at Gorilla Tango Theater. The premise is kinda secret and I won't spoil it for you. Let's just say that Mrs. Gruber is hiding something. Rebecca Levine is outstanding as Mrs. Gruber. She plays a romper room style kindergarten teacher and speaks to the audience throughout the show and tells us that "Using your imagination is like recess in your head". The group of writers that make up Robot vs. Dinosaur must have been on a long recess when they wrote this show!

It is about 12 scenes long and each one is funnier than the one before it, building into a chaos filled, hilarious ending.

All kinds of visitors come through the school and the kids are wildly entertained. There were many many fine scenes. In one, the (drunken)man in the yellow hat from Curious George played by Conner Tillman visits Mrs. Gruber's school and auditions new monkeys because George has left him. He interviews a series of monkeys that are not curious enough until he find a very curious one in a wheel chair! In another scene, Andrew Kraft as a sad, disillusioned cloud, decides he wants to be a racist. He and his cloud friend, played by Erin Morrill, visit Whitey the racist (Conner Tillman), and learn some hatred. Whitey sings a very funny, awkward racist learnin' song that ends with "You don't gotta rhyme if you're telling the truth!" Andrew's sad cloud turns into an evil cackling hate filled rain cloud. One more great scene was a puppet, worked by Kraft explaining to the kids that you don't need to know how to read to have a fulfilling life. He goes on to introduce folks from all walks of life that can't read.

There are too many other laugh filled bits to report and the entire cast was top notch.

I recommend that you go see Mrs. Gruber. She can teach you to have a great night at Gorilla Tango Theater, 1919 N Milwaukee ave. Friday and Saturday nights at 8pm through November 21st, 2009.

-Lee Klawans, Examiner.com Chicago

Chris Othic Micro Fiction!

Look, a non-Mrs. Gruber related post! Chris Othic micro fiction! Enjoy and Happy Halloween!

* * *

It won’t be long now.

That’s what I thought to myself as I felt the low, loud rumble of the engines and the steady pull on my body as I was forced back into my seat. The shuttle was just pushing off, and my body tingled with anticipation knowing that in less than three minutes we would hit the upper atmosphere, the shuttle would start to roll and my destiny would begin.

I can't wait.

My co-pilot, Phillips, and the flight scientist, Adams, were sitting quietly now, no doubt thinking their own big thoughts. Like me, this was their first time in space. Unlike me, they would be a mere footnote in history. Only I knew what was about to happen in less than two minutes from now.

Getting closer now.

It was close quarters for the three of us, and I could tell by the faint sticky smell that Phillips was sweating inside his flight suit. Adams was too, but all I could smell of her was salt and citrus tinged with vodka, which was dampening her skin, a mix of the preflight drinks she had along with that damn perfume she always wore. Having a heightened sense of smell wasn’t something I enjoyed, but it would no longer be an issue for me in less than forty-five seconds.

Almost there.

As the sky starting turning from bright to light blue, then creeping into black, I could tell the shuttle was getting close to the edge of space. In just a few seconds it would start its gentle roll to the side, right on schedule. My palms were sweating and I could feel that old familiar itch up around my left shoulder, that itch that could only be scratched around the edges, that was never fully satisfied, on that old wound that had never fully healed.

The moment you’ve been waited for.

As the shuttle peeled over onto its side, the full, unobstructed moon appeared through the portal against the black backdrop of space. My eyes took it its full luminescent glow and my blood surged, pushing against the walls of every vein and vessel, then I felt that familiar blinding pain shoot through my entire body. It was one of the fastest transformations I had ever had. Phillips and Adams barely had time to scream before I shredded the straps on my jump seat. In one wet blur I ripped Phillips’ head off in a jagged line at the shoulders, then turned on Adams, biting down hard on her windpipe, reveling in the sweet taste of her warm, syrupy blood while trying to ignore the metallic, acrid odor of her cheap perfume.

To the moon.

That was about the last human thought I had. The program I snuck into the onboard navigation system should be kicking in at this point, plotting out the coordinates I had entered, overriding the commands from the control center, and taking us off of our planned orbit and straight toward the moon. For the next two days I would feast inside my own feral heaven, the animal inside me growing more frenzied as I got closer to my destiny, closer to my greatest desire, closer to the moon, the moon the moon themoonMoonMOONMOONMOONMOONMOON.