Chris Othic’s Very Short Interview with Zoe Saldana

(Zoe sits at an undisclosed pizza shop with RvD’s own Chris Othic to talk about acting, being hot and what it’s like to be in two of the biggest movies of 2009. Below is a transcript of the interview.)

Zoe Saldana: Hi, I’m Zoe.

Chris Othic: Well, hello Zoe, what do you know?

ZS: It’s actually pronounced Zo-ee. Like Joey, but with a “z.”

CO: But I wanted it to rhyme with “hello” and “know.”

ZS: Sorry, but it’s Zoe.

CO: It does sound cuter that way. Check it out, after seeing you in person I think the correct pronunciation should be “Zow-ie!”

ZS: That’s cute.

CO: And you say it like if you were Jerry Lewis. “Zooow-iiieeee!” Or maybe that was more like Captain Caveman.

ZS: A Captain Caveman reference! That’s really very funny! You are hilarious!

CO: Thank you! And you are a brilliant woman for recognizing that! So many people think I’m not funny, my writer friends, my writing partner, my wife, my family, my co-workers, homeless people, anybody with an opinion about comedy—

ZS: That’s too bad, but--

CO: Captain Caveman say, “You are Zow-ie! Zow-ie! Ba Ba Boom!”

ZS: (Laughing) Captain Caveman jokes! I love those! Did he say “Va Va Voom?” I don’t remember that?

CO: No, no, that was a “freestyle.” And I didn’t say “Va Va Voom.” That’s how you compliment a Latino woman! I said “Ba Ba Boom!” because that’s how you compliment a black woman, like yourself. It’s all about the “b” sound, that’s what that is.

ZS: Um? Actually, I'm Dominican and Peurto Rican.

CO: Exactly, you know! So, yeah, “b” for black women. Although “v” doesn’t work for Latino’s, it should really be “La La Loom.” I don’t make the rules. Actually, I do.

ZS: Umm, okay?

CO: But enough semantics! Let’s talk about your new movie!

ZS: Yes, let’s!

CO: I have to admit, I saw Avatar and I was like, a little distracted.

ZS: How’s that?

CO: Actually, a lot distracted. I kept looking for the nipples, you know? It was like two and a half hours long and I just kept looking for little blue nipples, maybe big blue nipples even, I don’t know because I never saw any. I didn’t think that was very realistic.

ZS: That’s what seemed unrealistic to you?

CO: Well, yeah. I mean, your character—and great work, by the way—

ZS: Thank you.

CO: You are on screen for a great deal of the movie and how did you keep them from exposing your nipples? I mean, there should be an Oscar for wearing that little tiny costume you had on and acting with your hair and feathers and stuff so we never see your nipples.

ZS: Well, it wasn’t really me who did that, it was—

CO: Oh, the crew! Like, somebody was on the crew to make sure there were no nipples? They had a glue gun or something? Not a glue gun, that would hurt, but like some spirit gum or maybe—do they make a gun with spirit gum? There were a lot of actresses and so to cover all those nipples—

ZS: They didn’t use—

CO: . . . that would be a Herculean task. You would definitely need a spirit gum gun or something. I mean, I looked and there were no nipples in this movie, at all. Not even in the crowd scenes. That James Cameron is pretty good, you know? He directed Titanic and there were some nipples in that, I think Kate Winslet’s and maybe Leo’s, possibly. I’d have to rewatch it know for sure.

ZS: You realize that Avatar was all CGI, right?

CO: Oh yeah! I mean, Cameron’s good but he didn’t build all those spaceships!

ZS: No, the Na’vi were all CGI. It was special effects.

CO: No kidding? Wow, I thought they just used like body paint, like in Sports Illustrated. That does explain a lot though. I mean, you are a lot shorter in real life.

ZS: I’m still pretty tall.

CO: Oh yes! You are! We have a saying back home about girls your size, they say “She’s so tall, you don’t have to bend down to milk her.”

ZS: Wait, what?

CO: No, oh, no, that’s cows! That’s what we say about cows! I can’t remember what we say about tall women. Now, we have a lot of saying about fat women. There’s this one—

ZS: Who are you with again?

CO: The Robot vs. Dinosaur blog. I’m their head interviewer. I interviewed Megan Fox and Amy Adams.

ZS: Really?

CO: No, they were fake, but I did a lot of research on them and they seemed real to me.

(There is an awkward pause.)

CO: Sooooooo, Star Trek!

ZS: Oh, yes, I was in that one, too.

CO: Big year for you. Huge year. Really a giant year.

ZS: I guess so.

CO: All the nerds are in an uproar, they are saying you are a geek dream girl.

ZS: That’s so nice of them to say.

CO: You think? Actually, it was me that said it, then. So I want the credit.

ZS: Okay, that was very sweet of you.

CO: I also would say you are HIAC.

ZS: What’s that?

CO: It’s an acronym I made up. It means “Hot In Any Color.” And I also pronounce it like you pronounce Selma Hayek’s last name, because she is a HIAC, also.

ZS: You made that up?

CO: Oh yes, I’m very creative.

ZS: It would seem so . . .

CO: I won an award in third grade. It was just a certificate, but . . . I had it framed. Want to see it?

ZS: Um, no thank you.

(Awkward pause.)

CO: You know, you are possibly HIACer than even Selma Hayek.

ZS: What does that mean?

CO: Well, you are hot in black, your original color.

ZS: I'm Dominica—

CO: And you were hot as the blue chic in Avatar and you were really super smoking hot as the green chic in Star Trek!

ZS: Hold on. I didn’t play the—

CO: That was body paint, right? The green one? How do you get that job, putting on the body paint? Because I’m a legal secretary, but really I’d like to—

ZS: That wasn’t—

CO: I mean, do you apply for that job? Like, do you just give them some finger paints you did in third grade as a resume? You know, “Look, I can do red, or green, or blue or whatever color the aliens are in this freaking movie!”

(CO laughs heartily.)

CO: (To himself) Man, that was funny. (To Zoe) I’m really just kidding. About the resume—not about the fact that I want that job.

ZS: Look, I actually played Uhura in Star Trek.

(A bit of a pause)

CO: No shiz, really?! I thought you were the green chic! Wow, you just blew my mind! Totally blew my mind.

ZS: Well, it’s true.

CO: This whole time, wow, I am, those body paints can really mess with you, you know! Who was that green chic! Was that Kate Winslet? I know James Cameron likes to use her in his movies.

ZS: It wasn’t, James Cameron didn’t even direct Star Trek—

CO: And it was probably her because she was pretty curvy. I mean, I would recognize those curves, I’ve looked at a lot of Kate Winslet pictures on the internet. Maybe it was one of those plump girls from the Dove ads.

ZS: You’re kind of freaking me out here.

CO: It might have also been Alyssa Milano. Either way, that green chic was really hot, don’t you think?

ZS: She was okay. Umm . . .

CO: I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like black girls and white girls too, but that green chic—Ga Ga Goom!

ZS: You’re really starting to piss me—

CO: Did you get that! Did you? I said, “Ga Ga Goom!” because she was green! You know, the “g” sound for “green!”

ZS: I didn’t really get that one, no.

(She starts to look for an exit.)

CO: That was a pretty funny callback! I could have said “Zow-ie!” and it would have been a call back, too, but not as good of one. Maybe “Gow-ie!”

ZS: Sure, sure, whatever. Look, I think I better get going . . .

CO: What were we even talking about? Oh, yeah! Star Wars! So you played Uhura? Which one was she?

ZS: The communications officer.

CO: Umm, no, not remembering that one.

ZS: You know, Uhura? The lead female role.

CO: No, that was Winona Ryder, I think.

ZS: No, she was in it but she wasn’t the lead.

CO: She’s cute, though. She’s no HAIC, but still. And you were which one again?

ZS: I was on the bridge, in the red uniform. The lead.

CO: You were cute, right?

ZS: I hope so.

CO: Did you make out with Spock and have a touching scene in the elevator?

ZS: Sure, I guess.

CO: Whoa! You just blew my mind again! I thought that was Thandie Newton!

ZS: I get that a lot. We look a lot alike.

CO: So let me ask, was that you in Mission Impossible 3 or Thandie Newton?

ZS: Thandie.

CO: Oh, that’s good, that movie sucked. How about, Beloved? Was that you or Thandie?

ZS: Thandie.

CO: Because if it was you, you looked great in that one. Even in the pregnant parts, which is usually not the case, but because you were also crazy, I think that was kind of hot. You were a really hot, crazy pregnant girl in that.

ZS: That wasn’t me. That was Thandie.

CO: You sure? Because, I know that movie was awful and everything, and I’m thinking maybe you just don’t want people to know it was you. Plus Thandie Newton is telling everyone she played Neyteri in Avatar.

ZS: She is not!

CO: She is! She totally is!

ZS: Where did she say that?

CO: Well, if I do a fake interview with Thandie Newton she will totally say that! Here, I want you to put this on.

(Chris produces a can.)

ZS: What is that?

CO: It’s blue body paint. It should be non-toxic, although I got it cheap so it could have lead in it. (Taking off his shirt.) Can you just put some on my back and I’ll do yours.

ZS: I don’t—I don’t think—What’s going on here?

CO: I thought we could paint ourselves blue for the blog, you know, for art and stuff. A picture of you and me all painted blue like the girl in Star Trek.

ZS: That’s not going to happen.

CO: Okay then, how about green? (He pulls out another can.) Maybe green is the way to go. I probably look better in green anyway.

(CO starts to apply green paint to his back.)

CO: A little help?

ZS: Okay, this interview is over.

(Zoe stands up and starts to leave.)

CO: Please! Don't leave. The green paint is definitely non-toxic. I promise!

(She is gone.)

CO: Bummer. I should have interviewed Thandie Newton. She was great in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Chris Watches The Watchmen? Oh nooooooooo!

I saw Watchmen this weekend at the IMAX at Navy Pier. I liked it. That’s my review. I’m not going to break down the story or tell you the history of the graphic novel, or tell you what a weirdo Alan Moore is, because you can get all that info just by Googling if you're not too lazy. But I do want to address a couple of things that everyone else is talking about in their reviews, as well as something that no one is mentioning.

First off, stop comparing this movie to The Dark Knight. Other than people in tights, DC comics, and the fact that both of these movies were better than 27 Dresses, they’re two totally different movies. ‘Nuf said.

Also, stop picking on Malin Ackerman. No, she is not Meryl Streep. No, we do not want Meryl Streep playing this role. No, Kate Winslet would not have done it, even though she would’ve had the chance to get naked. Again. But check this out:

Imagine that! Malin Ackerman looks great in spandex! She’s not a great actress, but you know what? For this movie, I would say, not a lot of acting required. It’s a comic book film, lots of melodrama. This role really just required a lot of cool posing, and Malin Ackerman is a cool poser.

Of course that last sentence came out poorly, but you get my meaning.

Speaking of Kate Winslet and nudity, I think she has met her match in the Blue Dong Man, don’t you? Of course I’m referring to the incredibly blue, incredibly powerful and incredibly naked Dr. Manhattan, but from now on he shall be known as Blue Dong Man. Look he's flashing everyone in the lunch room at work!



Let it be known right now that I think I have found this year’s Halloween costume! I'm going to eBay right now to see how much for a fake blue weenie.
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While I'm gone try not to think about blue dong's. You can't do it, can you?
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Okay, I'm back, and it looks like the Doc Johnson Mr. Softee 8 Inch Dildo, Baby Blue is available for $7.71, not including shipping. Score!

By far and away, Blue Dong Man was my favorite character in the movie. The most enjoyable part of the whole thing for me was imagining what the CGI guy that was in charge of animating the blue dong was going through. Do you not doubt that he shouted “Let’s put some pants on him, for chrissakes!” about twenty times a day? Do not worry, Blue Dong CGI Handler Guy, I think there is definitely an MTV Movie Award in your future, and rightfully so. That was the most realistic blue dong in the history of cinema. If they ever make an all CGI version of The Crying Game, you will be the first person they call.

I did have a few problems with the film. The sucky music I could live with, but I couldn’t get over the fact that Kelly Leak from the Bad News Bears grew up to be a child molester AND a psychopathic hero. He must have had a rough childhood to get from this:



To this:



LET THEM PLAY! LET THEM PLAY!

Also, every time Ozymandias appeared on screen I was distracted because Siegfried and Roy never showed up. I kept waiting for them to at least be seen lazing around in the background of his lair.











They have to be at least cousins, right?

But my biggest problem was with Blue Dong Man. He kept taking me out of the film, not because of the hanging blue wonder, but because something about him kept nagging at me. It was like I had seen him before.

Then it dawned on me. Briar Street Theater in 2004. Boston in 2001. Vegas in 2007.




He definitely exists outside of time and space.

A Recap of the Oscars: You Wouldn't Take An Award From A Dead Guy, Would You?

Yesterday was Oscar Sunday! Hooray Oscar Sunday!

The best part about Oscar Sunday is that it gives me something to talk about today. This means I can just do the whole 'talk about things I saw' thing and not have to generate original thoughts of my own. You gotta love the movies, folks.

So, time to put on the fake Perez Hilton hat because Here Comes the Showbiz!!

Hey!! Hugh Jackman hosted the Oscars this year! He was pleasant and handsome for the ladies and not overtly bitter about not getting any sort of nod for Australia. I like Hugh Jackman, but I have to say for every song and dance routine that Hugh Jackman does I lose just a little bit of respect for Wolverine from the X-men movie franchise.

I found it funny that the opening number had to be stripped down due to the economy. This stripped down number took place beneath a gigantic and expensive Swarovski crystal curtain.

Ooh Irony!

Generally speaking, though, it was a good show. I appreciated the fact that they took the technical Oscars and subdivided them into logical groups like 'post production' and preproduction.' They went out of their way to make them understandable to the viewing audience. "Hey, this is part of the movie making process." It also made it a lot easier to go get a sandwich during the show and not worry about missing anything important.

Other changes to the Oscar format? Having five previous winners from each of the acting categories wax rhapsodic about how great all of the nominees were. Because being nominated isn't enough anymore you have to talk about how great people are at pretending to be someone else. It was still kind of cool to see the previous winners. The only exception? Tilda Swinton.

Yikes!

Speaking of acting awards, how much would it have sucked to be nominated for Best Supporting Actor this year? Yeah it's an honor to be nominated I'm sure, but there's no chance you're winning. Sorry Robert Downey Jr. Not this year. Maybe for Iron Man II.

Whose year was it? The girl from Titanic and Spicoli. Both Kate Winslet and Sean Penn have been nominated multiple times but never won. Now they can stop trying so hard with the risk taking and just make the silly action movies they've been longing to make.

And of course Slumdog Millionaire won best picture. It was well written and well produced and it wasn't four hours long. Didn't see the other movies and Frost/Nixon was good, but I am okay with this pick. The award did go a long way towards legitimizing the Indian cinema - provided that cinema is written, directed, and produced by pasty white guys with sketchy teeth.

I would like to thank the Academy for the fair warning: apparently the musical is back with a vengeance. They then followed up that announcement with a demonstration of the horrors waiting in the wings. I now know to keep my head down. It's going to be a long recession.

And finally, the Nat Topping Award for Best Acceptance Speech goes to whoever that Asian guy was who said "Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto." Well played, sir.

Well played.

"The Class" - a film review

The Oscars are this Sunday, and I still need to see Benjamin Button and The Reader to complete my usual routine of seeing at least all five Best Picture nominees. I suspect I'll get Benjamin Button under my belt on Saturday or Sunday, but I'm not going to go out of my way to see The Reader. Kate Winslet pretty much sums up her own reasons for doing the film in the following clip. The pertinent part is from 3:20 through 4:15.



I've seen a lot of the films this year. Most recently, on Thursday night, I saw "The Class" or "Entre les Murs", the French film in the Foreign Films category. Great film. Maybe the best one I've seen all year (though "Slumdog Millionaire" is way up there. Two completely different films. Hard to compare. Also, I saw "The Visitor" in 2007, so I don't count it for last year).

"The Class" is a single-camera, documentary-style film set in a semi-rough French high school (although for those who've seen The Wire, season 4, it's clearly not the worst place you could be). Our protagonist teaches French at the high school, which is fodder for amusing conversations about how "people don't really talk like that anymore" and when to use the imperfect imperative and so on. These little nuggets of exchanges are all microcosms of the films larger theme which is the difficulty of many adults in communicating with young people and vice versa.

While it's certainly true that the kids have the most to lose in their lives in general, most of them coming from very tenuous or questionable homes, in the classroom it's the adults who stand to lose. The kids know the limits of the disrespect they can get away with, and it's up to the adults to make the constant, in-the-moment decisions about what disrespect can be tolerated and what needs to be punished. Even with all the humor, lively exchanges in the classrooms, and the mutual respect that seemed to exist between Francois and his French students, I felt on-edge the entire film, because at any second it could all fall apart.

Based on the premise, it would be easy to lump this one in with all the other "Stand and Deliver", "Dangerous Minds", and on-and-on kind of films, but this one doesn't cram anything down your throat. It follows an entire school year, everything is shot on location at a school, we don't see the students home lives, nor the teachers'. (There are "retreat" scenes where the teachers meet in the breakroom to vent, strategize and bicker about their tactics for dealing with the kids.) There's no scene where the students stand on their desks and defend their teacher loudly. It all feels real and natural. Some kids excel, some fall behind. Some fates offer hope and others make you worry.

The performances are pretty amazing. It's hard to shoot a film in documentary, fly-on-the-wall style and make the performances seem real, but this movie pulls it off impeccably.

See it! It's still showing in Chicago at the Landmark Century.