Thursday, April 1, 2010

Bye Bye Love. Bye Bye Fast Foodness

I'm giving up fast food. It is the first step in my quest to stop eating overly processed shitty food of all kinds. I generally feel fat and unhealthy and I am hoping that is going to finally turn things around a bit. I'm not being militant about it though. If I'm in a position where I have no other reasonable choice, like if I'm stranded in a desert and the only things for miles around are a pile of desert beetles and a Burger King, I'm going to Burger King. I just have to do whatever I can to make sure I am never in that type of position (I've already taken my first step by not joining the Iraqi army).

Over the past couple weeks I have been saying good bye to the fast food restaurants I normally enjoy. I have visited them each for one last meal. You may say "That seems counter-intuitive to your plan to stop eating fast food". To that I cordially invite you to gently tongue my sweaty balls. I just need one last fix and I'll quit, I promise. Here are those I have said good bye to thus far:

Taco Bell - The king of late night dining (at least until McDonald's went 24 hours). Cheap Mexican delights that always made me happy and it's open until like 2am on weekdays and 4am on weekends. The first time I ever threw up due to drinking was because of a mix of beer and a limited time only bacon cheeseburger burrito from Taco Bell. I'm really going to miss their chicken quesadillas. For my last meal I had a couple soft shell tacos, a cheesy roll up, a chicken quesadilla, and a Baja Blast Mountain Dew.

McDonald's - I haven't gone to McDonald's much ever since in high school I found out that Burger King had bacon double cheeseburgers. At the time McDonald's, at least in my town, did not have bacon as an option on any sandwich. I mostly went to McDonald's because I had never eaten a Big Mac and I wanted to try one before my fast food ban was complete. I didn't think it was very impressive at all. For my last meal I had a Big Mac, medium fries, and a Coke. How American is that!?

Wendy's - This one stings. Wendy's has the best specialty sandwiches, and they usually involve lots of bacon, jalapeno peppers, or both. I heard that Wendys is basically the flagship restaurant for other fast food joints. Wendy's will come out with a new sandwich and, if it does well, other fast food restaurants will come out with their own version. That may or may not be true, but I like to think it is. I recently ate (prior to my decision to ban fast food) the new Wendy's Bacon and Blue burger. As soon as I finished the burger I immediately wanted another one. For my last meal I had a Double Baconator, medium fries, and a medium chocolate frosty.

Burger King - My normal go to for fast food. I definitely prefer Burger King over McDonald's. Comparing the Big Mac to the Whopper is like comparing Kate Moss to Monique. One is small, frail, and relatively plain and the other just won an Oscar. The burgers has this wonderful chemical smokiness to them. The fries are generally crisper. They also have sandwiches like "The Angry Whopper" fill with spicy this, that, and the other thing. I will really miss this place. For my last meal I had a Triple Whopper, large fries, and a Coke.

Those are all I have said good bye to for now. Next up will be Arby's, which will probably be the hardest. I don't do there much because there are only a couple of them in Chicago and they are not near me. Arby's is a place that I will always go to if I am on a road trip or out of town show and I pass by one. I never go to Popeye's, White Castle, or KFC so they are not even on my list. I have been to all of them at some point in the past, so I don't feel like I am missing out on anything there.

The only one I may refuse to give up is Mighty Taco. It's a Mexican fast food chain limited to the Buffalo, New York area. I only go there when I am visiting my family back in Buffalo, and I only do that like once a year at most. Plus, it is just to damn good. Like I said, I'm not trying to be militant about this, just much better.

There aren't a lot of jokes in this post, so I leave you with one part of one of my favorites jokes:

Who's there?

Interrupting co...


Mike Bauman said...

Some people say that Taco Bell makes you shit extra icky stuff. Scoop up that shit, put it in a flour tortilla - you have made a Mighty Taco meal. Blech.

Joe Janes said...

This is good news for your body. The only time I ever step foot in a McDonald's is for a cup of coffee. It's only a buck and I do like their coffee.

Chris Othic said...

It's the Geoff Crump 20,000 calorie goodbye tour! My kind of tour.

My days of eating a triple anything passed me by about 10 years ago.

Congrats on the new healthier lifestyle.

GW said...

Here's a picture from the future of a skinny Geoff Crump recognizing that his stomach is full and then feeding his leftover lunch to a starving bear.

Crump said...

Actually in every case (except for the Frosty at Wendy's) I took maybe 5 or 6 small sips of the drink, so at least the sugar impact of the meals was a bit lower.

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