Sherlock Holmes 2: Electric Boogaloo

Unbelievably, I didn't receive a single phone call from a Hollywood mogul offering to produce my screenplay for the Sherlock Holmes sequel. Maybe they need to see more.

INT. LONDON CITY PRISON - DAY

Watson, dressed only in a towel and bowler hat, is sitting in a large, filthy, common cell. He is surrounded by twenty other filthy criminals. Holmes enters and walks up to the bars. Watson walks over.

WATSON
(angrily)
This is your fault.

HOLMES
My fault? It's my fault that you're naked and surrounded by dangerous men? That sounds more to be a lifestyle choice on your part.

WATSON
Asshole.

HOLMES
You embarrass me the way you did yesterday --

WATSON
(contritely)
I apologize. At least you captured the evil Jack Frost.

HOLMES
Not quite.

WATSON
What do you mean?

HOLMES
Remember when you removed your clothing --

WATSON
Yes, yes.

HOLMES
-- And then proceeded --

WATSON
There is no need to recount it, Holmes.

HOLMES
But I would like to. You proceed to yell, (to the other prisoners) what was it, boys?


WATSON
Fuck you, Sherlock.


HOLMES
You know it, fellas.


CRIMINAL #1
Yes, it was in all the papers.


HOLMES
All together now!


CRIMINALS
(in unison)
Sherlock Holmes fucked a doggy! Sherlock Holmes fucked a doggy!


They continue the chant as Holmes and Watson speak.


WATSON
Damnit, Holmes! I will shit down your throat while you sleep.


HOLMES
Hardly an original idea, Watson, as I have already performed just that act on you.


WATSON
What? When?


HOLMES
At least once a fortnight for the last year.


WATSON
Ridiculous! How could I have not known?


HOLMES
Elementary! Your fiancee is a shitty cook.


WATSON
Steady.


HOLMES
So when you awoke in the morning with a tongue tasting of excrement, you simply assumed that it was remaining flavor of the previous evening's fancy feast.


WATSON
You filthy pile of --


HOLMES
We were speaking of the escape of Jack Frost.

WATSON
Oh, yes.


HOLMES
As everyone was distracted by your marvelous performance, Frost put on your discarded clothing, urinated on the corpses of the children, and simply walked away.


WATSON
Oh dear.


HOLMES
Who's the filthy pile of dried ejaculate now?


WATSON
How did you know I was going to say "dried ejaculate?"


HOLMES
You are naked and surrounded by hardened criminals. What else would you be thinking about?