Saturday, April 3, 2010

Sherlock Holmes 2: The Search for Curly's Gold

That Sherlock Holmes movie was successful enough to warrant a sequel and, dang it, I'm determined to write that film. Why? Because I love power and influence, and who has more power and influence in Hollywood than the screenwriter, right? So, Hollywood big shots (I'm talking to you, Corey Feldman), here's a bit of my spec script for Sherlock Holmes 2.

EXT. STREETS OF LONDON - DAY


A drizzly, foggy London morning seen through the filthy window of a warehouse.


SUPERIMPOSE: "London 1892"


Two figures emerge from the fog as SHERLOCK HOLMES and DR. JOHN WATSON walk up to the front entrance of a private elementary school. They stop.


WATSON
I say, Holmes.


HOLMES
Yes, Watson?


WATSON
I was wondering, Holmes, what kind of school is this?


Holmes slaps Watson harshly across the face.

HOLMES
You stupid bitch. Are you trying to get me to say, "elementary, my dear Watson?"


WATSON
Yes.


HOLMES
Fuck you.


CUT TO:


INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY


A close-up of Holmes looking through a magnifying glass, picking up samples with tweezers and placing them in small tubes, and doing math in a small notebook. He stands up next to Watson.


HOLMES
That should do it.


WATSON
So, what happened here, Holmes?


HOLMES
Fourteen students were stabbed to death by the master criminal, Jack Booth.


WATSON
Amazing! How did you deduce that, Holmes?


HOLMES
Are you fucking stupid? Booth is standing right there, surrounded by corpses, and repeatedly screaming, "I like the stabbings!"


CUT TO:


JACK BOOTH, covered in blood, surrounded by fourteen dead children.


BOOTH
(screaming)
I like the stabbings!


CUT TO:


HOLMES
You are so fucking useless, you old leather queen. Why do I keep you around?


WATSON
I have lithographs of you, the Prince Regent, and a Scottish Terrier.


Holmes reddens and gestures at Watson to quiet down.


HOLMES
All right.


WATSON
Fucking.


HOLMES
Yes, I understand.


WATSON
A dog. You're fucking a dog.


HOLMES
Enough.


WATSON
Is that what the dog said?


HOLMES
Rot in hell, you and your ass face!


WATSON
(yelling)
Sherlock Holmes fucked a doggy!

HOLMES
Quiet!

Watson strips off his clothing.


CUT TO:

EXT. STREETS OF LONDON - DAY


Watson, completely naked, runs down the street.


WATSON
(screaming)
Sherlock Holmes fucked a doggy! Sherlock Holmes fucked a doggy.



I'm waiting for your call, Hollywood.
 

3 comments:

Chris Othic said...

I'd pay to see this movie.

Crump said...

I already bought my ticket

Nat Topping said...

I would pay full price to see two minutes worth of this movie.