Friday, April 23, 2010

I'm an inventor!

I didn’t drink much in my freshman year in college because I couldn’t stomach the taste of beer. However, my freshman year roommate, Mandy, was from Wisconsin and was a much more seasoned drinker. She took me under her wing and I tried my best, but on multiple occasions, things ended with me dry-heaving and turning to Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Once I even tried putting sugar in the beer, hoping it would mask the horrible, horrible taste. It did not.

But over time, I slowly got used to beer and can now drink it and mostly enjoy it. (Sorry, it’s never going to be refreshing like Mountain Dew or Cherry Coke). But tonight, I will be giving beer my focus with my favorite drinking game! America’s Funniest Home Videos (AFV) drinking game!

Yes, this is a game I invented. It’s fun and easy – I’ve laid out the rules below so you too can joyously binge.

Step 1: Get beer and friends.

Step 2: Queue up AFV. I got “Americas’s Funniest Home Videos: Battle of the Best” DVD from Netflix. For folks on a budget, check your local TV listings.

Step 3: There are a number of major categories, such an animals, babies, sports and games, etc. Gather round your favorite friends and be sure to select at least one subcategory from each major category.

Step 4: Start watching. Every time one of your subcategories gets hit, take a sip!

Here are the categories (and subcategories) I have compiled from countless hours of watching AFV:


  • Dogs falling
  • Cats falling
  • Exotic animals – ex. Giraffes, chimps, “zoo animals”
  • Animal bites
  • Animals being weird – ex. A dog on a skateboard? That’s weird!


  • Freak sports success
  • Pain in sports
  • Winter sports falls
  • Watersports 


  • Babies being gross
  • Babies being cute


  • "That's so dangerous!" (Definition: These videos are funny but you realize they almost resulted in major injury or death. Example: a baby falls down a flight of stairs only to land laughing on a pillow. “That’s so dangerous!”)
  • "You were asking for it!" (Definition: These videos are usually inspired by people doing something all people with sound judgment/basic physics knowledge know they should never do. Example: A man knocks ice off his roof by standing directly under it. The video ends with him at the bottom of an avalanche, perhaps with a hilarious concussion. “What you do expect? You were asking for it!”) 
  • "Didn't see that coming!" (Definition: This video did not end at all like how you thought it would. Examples: An ice skater does a triple axel and lands it. You think the video will end in her falling on her face. Instead, a prop boat knocks her off her feet. “Where did that boat come from? I didn’t see that coming!”)


  • Old people falling
  • Old people being sassy/angry


  • Hit in groin
  • Hit in face
  • Something hits camera
  • Running into stationary objects
  • Pinatas
  • Trampolines


  • Houses being destroyed
  • People screaming in terror
  • Fat people getting stuck in something
  • Kids being smart
  • Nakedness (includes pants falling off)
  • Fire


A scene classification is not mutually exclusive – it can be classified in a number of ways so be sure to drink for all of them. If a grandma is dancing and her pants fall off and she subsequently falls over, you should drink once for pants falling off AND once for people falling.

This is an exhaustive list, but it’s not totally complete. Don’t be afraid to use your imagination! If you rent “AFV: Love and Marriage” or “AFV: Salute to romance” the world will be your oyster with new categories like “cake in the face”, “uncomfortable marriage blessings”, and “grooms fainting at the alter!”

Do you love going too far with an idea? Why not make a bingo scorecard with your favorite subcategories? First to shout BINGO gets to make everyone else finish their beers!

(Lavar Burton, Reading Rainbow outro):

Remember, you’re only an alcoholic if you drink alone so make a night of it with your favorite friends. But you don’t have to take my word for it! 

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