I scored some free passes to an advance screening of “Clash of the Titans” last night, and Greg went with me. While enjoyable, it was what you expected it to be. It started out okay mediocre, then stayed mediocre, then there were some cool special effects, then Greg and I entertained each other by playing the Mystery Science Theater 3000 game during the final act. Below are just a few observations from seeing the film:
1. The tagline “Release the Kraken” is comic gold. It’s quite possibly the best euphemism for unbuttoning your pants in a long, long time. I’m going to exclusively refer to my penis as The Kraken for at least the next year. And I will always use the Liam Neeson accent when doing so.
2. As a matter of fact, any verb used with the phrase “the Kraken,” along with Liam Neeson’s accent, is just pure unadulterated fun. Start with “Release the Kraken” and then work your way up to “Fondle the Kraken” or “Touch the Kraken” or “Tickle the Kraken.” I also like “I’ve got a sore Kraken” and “I pulled my Kraken the other day.” Kraken is a pretty versatile word.
3. The one joke I thought of in advance of seeing the film with Greg (I always have jokes prepared ahead of time when I’m with this guy) was telling him that when they originally filmed the movie, Liam Neeson actually said “Release the Giant Turtle” and that after a few poor test screenings they dubbed in “Kraken” over “Giant Turtle” throughout the entire film. Knowing this going in will change the way you watch the film.
4. About two thirds of the way through the movie things really hit high gear. The fellows end up going to Hades. When they tossed a coin into the river Styx and Charon’s boat starts to rise up out of the water, I couldn’t resist leaning over to Greg and saying “Scusi! Scusi! Scusi! I come down here to driva da boat.” Inside joke unless you saw Are You There God? It’s Me, Satan.
5. Greek goddess looking women are really hot. If I was a brunette with pale skin, I would exclusively wear flowing white robes and sandals. You cannot not look good in these outfits. I daresay you would release a lot of Krakens.
6. Greg pointed it out and I have to say it was true, but all of the women in this movie looked alike. Trying to tell them apart was like trying to tell all the soldiers apart in a WWII movie. There’s a hot brunette in white robes, another hot brunette in white robes, and the one with snakes in her hair.
7. Speaking of euphemisms, at some point Perseus gets a little hot under the collar and the hot brunette in flowing white robes who follows him around for most of the movie tells him to “Ease your storm.” Because apparently Perseus had a storm in his pants. And yes, I will be using that phrase this year, too.
8. After the Kraken jokes and the “ease my storm” jokes started to get old, Medusa shows up and starts turning men to stone. This movie was basically a two-hour dick joke for immature male viewers (me and Greg).
9. Sam Worthington looks like an action star. I actually like him. But after seeing Terminator: Salvation, Avatar, and Clash of the Titans, I have to say he only has one note. One masculine, square-jawed, chiseled good looking note.
10. That’s all I have. This movie is bad enough to be enjoyable. It made me Kraken up. And by the way, I like to pronounce "Titans" as if it rhymes with "kittens."