Chris Othic's Very Short Interview With Amy Adams

(Amy Adams, looking rather cute and energetic, sits down in an undisclosed Starbucks to talk with RvD’s own Chris Othic about her career and what it’s like to be so damn cute.)

Amy Adams: Hello.

Chris Othic: Hello to you! I’m glad to finally meet you. I loved, loved, loved you in Enchanted. Even though you really look like the Little Mermaid.

AA: I get that a lot.

CO: Seriously, I brought a seashell bra I want you to try on later.

AA: You’re so funny.

CO: Thanks! No one ever says that enough. Actually, no one ever says that at all. Check it out: You’re initials are AA!

AA: That’s true.

CO: You know, like Alcoholics Anonymous! Isn’t that funny?

AA: I guess.

CO: I mean, you have to admit, it’s kind of funny, because while I’m here interviewing you I should be at my AA meeting, but I told my sponsor I was going to check out AA--but I really meant Amy Adams!

(AA titters)

CO: You just tittered!

AA: I know! I do that.

CO: That’s definitely a “cute” behavior. Tittering.

AA: Well, cute is my thing, you know.

CO: Definitely. You’re no Megan Fox.

AA: Excuse me?

CO: I mean, she’s really sexy and you’re, you know, girl next door cute type. You’re a little sexy, though. You’re “scute.”

AA: I’m what?

CO: Scute. It’s a little word I made up.

AA: It sounds like a disease, maybe?

CO: No, it’s scute. Sexy and cute. Like, in the way that the Little Mermaid is sexy and cute. Maybe it should be “cutexy.” Doesn’t really have a ring to it, though.

AA: Yeah, scute is a little better, I guess.

CO: I saw in your profile that you were on Charmed back in 2000. Did you by chance ever get in a pillow fight with Alyssa Milano?

AA: Actually, yes! Me and all the witches got in a huge pillow fight!

CO: Seriously! Oh my god!

AA: No. Just kidding.

CO: Aww, damn! (he suddenly reaches under the table)

AA: What? What are you doing?

CO: I got a little excited picturing you and Alyssa Milano pillow fighting. Can I borrow that napkin?

AA: Ewww!

CO: I spilled my tea. (dabbing at his crotch)

AA: Oh, I thought it was . . .

CO: It’s tea, okay. Tea. (dabbing at his crotch)

AA: Um, sorry, it’s just, we didn’t order any drinks yet.

CO: Please don’t judge me. It’s a medical condition.

AA: I’m, uh, I’m so sorry.

CO: Don’t mention it. Now then, you’ve been in three movies with Meryl Streep! Isn’t she annoying!

AA: Um, no.

CO: I mean, always talking with the accents and stuff?

AA: She talks normal, most of the time.

CO: I loved her in Doubt when she talked like Christopher Walken.

AA: You mean her Brooklyn accent?

CO: No. No. She was doing a Walken impression, I’m pretty sure. You don’t know much about acting, do you?

AA: I don’t think--

CO: Hey, on the set, would she do that Walken speech from Pulp Fiction? (doing Walken) “I carried this hunk of metal . . . up my . . . ass . . .” Hey, I’m pretty good! It’s all about the pausing.

AA: That was the worst Walken impression ever.

CO: You’re sooo scute! I must say, I loved you and Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada. Well, she was kind of a bitch but you, you were great in that movie.

AA: Thanks, but . . . I think you’re talking about Anne Hathaway.

CO: Oh yeah! She’s great, isn’t she. Did you see her breasts in Brokeback Mountain? Surprisingly nice.

AA: I saw that movie but didn’t really notice . . .

CO: You can also see them in Havoc. Let me pull up the internet here and I’ll show you a still from Mr. Skin.

AA: That’s not necessary, really.

CO: It will just take a sec. (he fumbles with his laptop) It’s loading now, hang on.

AA: Who are you with again?

CO: The Robot vs. Dinosaur blog.

AA: How did you arrange this interview?

CO: I did a fake interview with Megan Fox once. You’re people must have liked it.

AA: I can’t imagine. Look, this interview isn’t really going anywhere and . . .

CO: How about you put on the seashell bra? That might liven things up. (starts to pull it out of a bag)

AA: You really have one? I thought you were joking?

CO: I never joke about the Little Mermaid.

AA: I really--I have to go. (she stands)

CO: I hope it’s your size. I made it from the smallest shells I could find.

AA: You made it yourself? Really, I’m leaving now. (she starts to walk away)

CO: Wait, Mr. Skin is up! Here, here is a naked picture of you!

AA: That’s Anne Hathaway, asshole!

(Amy is sprinting now.)

CO: Which one of you was in that Princess Diary movie?

(Amy is gone. Chris looks at the picture for a moment.)

CO: (to himself) Hmmmm, Anne Hathaway. I wonder . . .

DELICIOUS VS DISGUSTING

And now it's time for that complete waste of time: DELICIOUS VS DISGUSTING

DELICIOUS: SWEDISH FISH

DISGUSTING: PICKLED HERRING

I hope you enjoyed today's DELICIOUS VS DISGUSTING. Please, go about your day.

On Cooking Oil Disposal

First of all, go see the *Creepy Hug show, "Dirt Nap", tonight at 8pm at Gorilla Tango! Funny show! Buy tickets here!

Now, this week my parents moved from St. Louis, MO all the way to Ft. Myers, FL. They assure me this is not their big retirement move, and they promised to grace us with their presence occasionally in the Midwest. I sure hope so, because this morning I realized that while in 32 years they managed to get most of the big details of life and pieces of advice out of the way, there are one or two little things they have left me woefully unprepared to deal with.

They made sure I knew never to pour cooking oil or grease down a drain in your home. They grew up in an era when mysterious grease traps were built into their basements (maybe they still are; I am not a homeowner), and my dad remembers vividly the first time he saw the disgusting contents of said trap. So my parents prepared me and prepared me good to keep your cooking oil in frozen cans in your freezer.

They did not explain what to do when your freezer is finally full of old creamed-corn cans that are now filled with oil. Putting them in our trash can on a 70-degree day does not seem to be a very polite option. We're looking into a 3rd freezer--industrial size.

So this is what fame feels like...

Howdy. So I filmed my first commercial ever today. Well, technically it wasn't the first one ever. I did a little shoot for a friend's company back in the Buffalo area, but that was just him with a hand cam MOS style. Today was pretty much what I would think a full on production would be like.

I jump in my Zip Car(tm) and head on up to Evanston. The location was easy to spot because there were about 10 or so trucks all lined up on one side of the street and much of the insides of the house we were filming in were out in the front lawn. The commercial is for Chinet(tm) - you know, the paper/plastic plates and cups people. I am Groom's Guest or Guest of Groom or something like that. 4 principals; me, 2 other Groom's Guests, and the Groom himself. There were also 2 extras, but I think they only used one of them.

There really is a lot less to talk about then I thought there would be. No really wacky or crazy things happened. I showed up, got into costume (just regular clothes - my apologizes to those hoping I would have to wear a monkey or penis costume or something). Then it was some quick makeup. Then standing outside next to the craft table. For those who don't know what that is, just think of it as a snack table. I have already determined that it is one of the best parts of the whole damn process. Snack and chat, snack and chat. The female counterparts to ourselves come out of the house. Apparently they shot earlier then us. Basically the commercial is girls at bridal shower, then guys at a pseudo bachelor get together, back and forth. The humor is in the juxtaposition between the two scenes. So the girls come out the house and I spend some time deciding on which lady my character is married to. The nice tall brown haired lady will do. Snack and chat, snack and chat. Time to go downstairs to the basement area. The production company turned the basement into what everyone is now calling a "man cave" (thanks a lot I Love You Man. You weren't even that good of a movie). Nasty looking throw rug. Couple of ugly couches and chairs. Mounted fish and some horns on the wall. The basement had a bar in it, and a pool table as well as a big vinyl record collection and an 8-Track player shaped like a robot. So we go down to the basement, get into position. Lights get adjusted. Space gets adjusted. Everything gets checked and checked again. Then break for lunch (which is the second best part of the whole process). Asian themed food was on the menu, and it was pretty damn good. Potty break time before we get to the actual filming. This was the worst part of the process. The owners of the home we shot in didn't want us using their bathrooms, so there was a port-o-potty outside. I go to the port-o-potty, enter, and there is... well there is no way to put this lightly so.... there was a large pile of shit sitting in the toilet. This was a pretty fancy port-o-potty so it had a foot pump that you could press to "flush" the toilet. I pumped and pumped, but the shit would not move. So I pissed on the shit, washed my hands, and got the hell out of there. Back to the shoot. Rehearse, rehearse, rehearse. Then shoot the scene a few times. Re-arrange everything. Shoot. Re-arrange. Shoot. And so on. And done.

That is really it. It was the most exciting non-exciting thing I think I have ever been a part of. I was so excited to be there and be part of the process, but you really are just waiting around for the majority of the time. When we weren't rolling there was like 20 people running around doing 10 different things all at once. It's heavily chaotic and then everything is really quiet, roll film, cut, and then chaos all over again. The extra weird icing is the fact that I have no idea where the commercial will be showing (nationally, locally, cable, network), still don't know how I get paid or frankly if I am even going to be in the final product. It is a strange business, that's for sure. I certainly hope I get to do it again and again.

Blog Pending

Shooting my first commercial today, so after that is done I figured I would blog about the experience. See y'all later today or tonight.

Creepy Hug Presents: Dirt Nap!

Hey everybody,

Another sketch group I'm a part of, *Creepy Hug, opens our eighth show, entitled "Dirt Nap" this Friday at 8pm at Gorilla Tango, and I sincerely believe it just might be the funniest show *Creepy Hug has ever done. Come see it soon! Fridays and Saturdays at 8pm from September 18 - October 10 at Gorilla Tango (1919 N Milwaukee). Tickets are $12. Book them at www.gorillatango.com or at 773-743-8338.


Here's the show description:

Death is coming! Not just for you, but for everybody, eventually. The fact is every animal on the planet is destined to take one final breath before cashing in; checking out; meeting their maker; paying the piper; kicking the bucket; buying the pine box condo; biting the big one; becoming worm food. The choice is yours: either waste time crying over the impending endless vacation, or laugh at the face of death. Regardless, we’re all destined for a Dirt Nap.

*Creepy Hug’s eighth sketch show, Dirt Nap, is a high-energy revue that makes light of the eternal darkness. With songs, puppies and puppets, the ensemble cast finds laughs in facing one’s fears, a doctor’s bad news, and a dying mother’s final request. In addition to being an hour of engaging comedy, Dirt Nap will help you come to terms with that fatal flop, the cessation siesta, the terminal trance, necrosis nod, hibernation in heaven….you get the point.

The Gods Must Be Swayze

I was going to try and write something fun today, but then Patrick Swayze died. And then my first instinct was to write something about Patrick Swayze and make it funny, but I thought, “You know what? I liked me some Patrick Swayze. I don’t want to poke fun at his death.”

So I decided to write about what Swayze meant to me.

You see, Swayze was one of those actors that sort of creeps into your subconscious. He wasn’t ever a huge action star like Stallone or Schwarzenegger, and he wasn’t a great actor like Pacino or De Niro, but his movies were fun and he was a better actor than the action stars and a better action star than the actors.

He had a few really big hits, like Ghost and Dirty Dancing, but for me personally, I will take the trifecta of Red Dawn, Road House and Point Break. If you think about it, wouldn’t you rather watch those three movies back to back instead of the Godfather Trilogy, or three Matthew McConaughey (low rent Swayze) movies? I thought so. Red Dawn was early in his career, but he had already developed that Swayze Swagger. Road House was probably one of the most underrated movies of the ‘80s, and for my money it was Swayze at his best. And Point Break was, well, let’s just say it had Swayze, Keanu AND Gary Busey. Those are some icons, man. And there was never a villain I wanted to be more like than Swayze’s Bodhi. Seriously, I tried to take up surfing after watching Point Break, which was no easy task because I lived in Missouri. That is the Power of Swayze.

As a matter of fact, remember that crush you had on Jennifer Grey after Dirty Dancing came out? That was also the Power of Swayze. Look at her in that movie. She’s cute, but she was no Julia Roberts or Sandra Bullock. But she was America’s Sweetheart for one glorious summer, and I think that was because she was touched by the Swayzemaster. I still believe that if Swayze would have starred with her in Wind instead of a bland Matthew Modine, that movie would have been a hit and Jennifer never would have gotten the unfortunate nose job where she went from cute and quirky to plain and forgettable. The Power of Swayze, remember that.

Some other things about Swayze that I liked: his hair. Really, the guy had some cool locks, didn’t he? And I’m not saying that in an ironic or sarcastic way. Just think about Swayze’s hair for a moment and you will realize how cool it actually was. It wasn’t over done, like in a romance novel cover sort of way, but it was thick and luscious and obviously touched by God. Poets should have written about his hair.

And if I could choose one body style to emulate, it would be Swayze’s. I mean, think of a shirtless Swayze from back in his heyday. He had some great muscle tone, but it wasn’t over the top. It was just enough that you would think, “I won’t mess with him, because he could probably rip out my jugular.” With the proper diet, exercise and dance regimen, most guys with a medium build could have a body like Swayze’s. And if you have a body like Swayze’s body, you can pretty much have anything else you want as well. The Power of Swayze.

And one last thing I loved about Swayze: he could dance really good and nobody made fun of him. I think the only two guys that ever looked bad ass dancing were Swayze and Baryshnikov, and Baryshinikov could have never starred in Next of Kin or sexed up Demi Moore in Ghost. His dancing had the power of a case of dynamite. If you don’t believe that, then try to imagine what it would have been like if Swayze would have played Kevin Bacon’s role in Footloose. If Swayze would have danced angrily through that feed mill to “Never”, that building would have NEVER stood a chance. It would have exploded from the sheer power of his dancing. I’m also pretty sure that dancing would still be considered dangerous and illegal in Footlooseville if Swayze had come to town. Hide the kids and protect your women because that is the Power of Swayze.

Swayze’s career kind of peaked in the early ‘90s, and he never really did anything to speak of after that. But that’s okay. The Swayze I will always remember was the one that gently caressed a dying Charlie Sheen in the snow, that lovingly pushed a penny up Demi Moore’s apartment door, that dominated Keanu Reeves in every scene they had together, and that totally made me want to have Jennifer Grey as my girlfriend for one shining summer.

Because that is the Power of Swayze.

Our Cast - Mrs. Gruber's Ding Dong School

Hey everybody! Considering we're now in production of our new Sketch Comedy Show "Mrs. Gruber's Ding Dong School," it's probably a good time to post a cast list.

Behold, the names of our lovely cast members!!

Jill Fenstermaker
Susie Gutowski
Andrew Kraft
Rebecca Levine
Ryan McDermott
Erin Morrill
Connor Tillman

We've had our first read through and our first rehearsal, and we're really looking forward to the process and getting the finished show up (October 16th through November 21st at Gorilla Tango - GO, BUY TICKETS. BRING YOUR FRIENDS.)

Ahem.

More info, including press releases and all of that foolishness, to follow so check back often.

Dear Greg Wendling,

I see what you're doing and I like it! Your fake Beatles lyrics represent the voice of a new fake generation. Your fake words will inspire millions of fake people to embrace fake peace and fake love. But remember that while your lyrics may be fake, my bullets will be real.

Love,
Mark David Chapman
Attica, NY

PS. Yes, I, like most people Mike Bauman went to university with, completely missed the point of Catcher in the Rye.

"Lard Clays Fight" - Parody of "Hard Day's Night" by The Beatles

Sits dinner lard clays fight,
Can dive win lurking bike a frog,
Sits dinner lard clays fight,
Rice could fee jerking trike a bog.

Cut lend my pet dome frou-frou,
Kite wind the rings cat coo-coo,
Till cake tree peel low tray.

Enzyme Rome, everything deems Loud pee white,
Enzyme Rome, wheeling two scolding free plight, plight, bleah!

You want healthcare speech play-by-plays?

RvD has been spending our evenings doing last minute prepping and polishing of our new script for our first rehearsal tonight. Because of our creative diligence, I was unable to watch President Obama's speech to congress last night. However, my friend Michelle was gracious enough to text me updates. It's like I was there!

"Madam Speaker! The President of the United States!"

7:11 p.m. Mr. President is being Mr. Rockstar, with five full minutes of crowd surfing and high fiving.

7:12 p.m. BO hands JB and NP secret manila envelopes.

7:14 p.m. Full-on Democratic orgasm.

7:20 p.m. History lesson.

7:23 p.m. Heartstring tugging. Guilt tripping. Why, oh, why do I swoon when he condescends to me?

7:25 p.m. Fuck you, insurance giants!

7:27 p.m. Fuck you, Canada!

7:28 p.m. "Build on what works and fix what doesn't." (This will lead nearly every single article you read about this speech.)

7:28: The time for bickering is over. ... Now is the season for action.

Okay, this actually got really good. Here's the rundown of his plan:

If you have health insurance, nothing in this plan will require you to change your plan or the doctor you have. "Let me repeat this [Republicans]."

* It will be against the law to be denied insurance for a pre-existing condition.
* It will be against the law for insurance companies to drop you when you get sick or water it down when you need it the most.
* There will be no arbitrary cap on the amount of coverage you can receive in a year, or in a lifetime.
* It will place a limit on how much you can be charged for out of pocket expenses.

For people who don't have health insurance, he's creating a health care mega mall, a "new insurance exchange" where individuals and small businesses will be able to shop for health insurance at affordable prices. For people that still can't afford it, the government will assign tax credit based on need.

Essentially, people will be required to have health insurance, just like people are required to have car insurance.

7:36 p.m. "While there are still significant details that need to be ironed out" ... (audience laughs)

7:38 p.m. Sticking it to Sarah Palin regarding death panels. He calls it cynical and irresponsible. And gets a standing ovation.

7:39 p.m. Boooooo'd for saying the plan won't cover illegal aliens.

7:41 p.m. Boooooo'd from me for saying no federal dollars used to fund abortions.

7:42 p.m. "I don't want to put insurance companies out of business, I just want to hold them accountable." I can't believe how easy it is to watch this guy. Even when I was watching GWB to make fun it was seriously boring. This is like eating candy. Ba-rock candy.

7:46 p.m. His "no new taxes" is called "not one dime to the deficit."

7:48 p.m. Sticking it to Dubya on Iraq and tax breaks for the wealthy.

7:51 p.m. "I want to speak directly to the seniors for a minute. I SAID, I WANT TO TALK TO THE SENIORS ABOUT MEDICARE FOR A MINUTE!"

7:53 p.m. Health care pricetag = $900 billion over a decade.

7:56 p.m. "If you misrepresent what's in this plan, we will call you out." Damn, B.

7:58 p.m. Ted Kennedy's ghost can mail letters. Spooooooky.

8:01 p.m. Hope montage.

8:03 p.m. Crowd surfing round two. This time it's more like paddle-boarding.

8:06 p.m. JB and NP open their secret envelopes. It's a picture of GWB's face superimposed with, "What, Me Worry?"

8:07 p.m. Barack has left the building.

I'm posting this without Michelle's permission. She'll either get a kick out of it or will be really pissed. If this post disappears, you'll know which.

I Love Photo Booths

Mary Liz and I attended the wedding of our friend and fellow book club member, Mamata Reddy, and her groom, Michael Herbst. The wedding was fun, a Christian/Hindu fusion, and we had a great time, even though it started at 10 a.m. and continued throughout the afternoon. We had to force ourselves to bed early on Saturday night, but knew it was worth it as we had the perfect excuse for a nice round of day-drinking on Sunday.

Mary Liz thought I needed to dress appropriately for a day wedding, so last month a new suit was purchased (the Jos. A. Bank Executive 2-Button Poplin Suit - Tan). I must admit I looked great, and stood out among the crowd of James Bond wannabes in their dark colored suits.

I will say wearing a light colored suit and hat to a day wedding seems very southern, and I couldn't resist talking like Foghorn Leghorn at every opportunity: "I say, I say, my drink is empty and this will not stand."

Most people thought I was doing an Al Pacino impression, but I think that's more on him than it is on me.

Anyway, they had a photo booth at the wedding, which is always a good time, and Mary Liz and I got our picture taken with our friend Elizabeth, who looked rather Amazonian in her hooker heels and a blue dress. We had to make up some poses for the booth, which we of course practiced before we went in. You can see them to the right, along with the new suit, although it looked much better in the color of the afternoon sun and with a whiskey sour in my hand. I'm the one in the middle talking like Foghorn Leghorn throughout the picture taking. "I must say, ladies, there is only room for two hens and one rooster in this booth."

Derek and Simon

Last night during the callback audition for the new RvD show (Mrs. Gruber's Ding Dong School -- or is it Mrs. Gruber's Ding! Dong! School), instead of being productive, Joe showed us the beginning of Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, as both that video and a scene in our upcoming show have a character named "Moist". (Dr. Horrible cannot rightfully claim to have a character named "Creamy" however. Take that, NPH!)

When Moist made his first appearance I was happily reminded how funny Simon Helberg is. The Derek and Simon show is a great series of short films written by Derek Waters and Simon Helberg and also by director Bob Odenkirk. Check them all out, but start with these two.

The Pity Card



A Bee and A Cigarette, Part 1




A Bee and A Cigarette, Part 2

It all falls down

Had ideas. Ran out of time. I don't get it. I think I have to start waking up at 5:00am again. So here is this:

Quick Hits

I recently had this semi-homoerotic text exchange with a friend of mine, “Mike,” regarding a BBQ dinner that he owes me and Fantasy Football.

Mike: Hey, Chris - haven’t had a chance to look, but hope you had a good
draft. Doesn’t look like I’ll be able to make it to BBQ dinner I owe you
this weekend. Sorry. I’ll touch base when I can. Mike
out.

Me: No prob. You’re still my main man unless you
beat me in week one of FFL.

Mike: I’m moderately uncomfortable, yet curiously intrigued
by your response. Shall we tell your wife?

Me: No gayness intended in my last response.
Reread it doing a Jimmy Walker impression.

Mike: Oh yes, much better. I had flipped on the Monroe switch
from Too Close For Comfort.

***

Wouldn’t it be great if there was a Monroe switch on your phone, and it would read your text messages in a certain way? I would also like to have a Clint Eastwood switch, Uncle Jesse from the Dukes of Hazard, Darth Vader, Rosie Perez and--oh forget it--the Monroe switch is the only one you would ever need.

***

“You know, the only reason I’m not gay is because I’m afraid of what might not happen. I mean, if I decide to go gay because all of the women have rejected me, what happens when all the men reject me? Am I then stuck waiting for aliens to land, hoping they might be into me? I really hope they have vaginas.” --Said by me, very recently

***

This is a funny little thing I have been known to say at parties and such when my sexuality has been questioned (this happens a lot). You must admit, it’s slightly amusing. That is, unless one of your fellow writers (NAT TOPPING) makes a point of saying “Haven’t I heard you say that before? What are you, a stand up comedian?” And by "fellow writer" I meant “ASSHOLE.”

***

Mary Liz’s line from a recent Cubs game when the New York Mets manager walked out to the mound in the 7th inning as the Mets were being blown out, 11-4: “Do you think he’s making his dinner plans?” Then she went on to talk about how he was probably getting the pitcher’s steak order, and deciding what restaurant they were going to check out after the game. She's never even seen Bull Durham. And I think I’m the funny one.

***

If you’re a baseball fan, now is a good time to go to Cubs games. Scalped tickets are going for less money than it takes to get a hand job in Wicker Park. A friend recently got one for $10 (a ticket) outside the ballpark. I got one for $3 (still talking about tickets) in the fifth inning of a recent game. And if you wait until the game is over and everyone has left, free peanuts and souvenir cups!

***

Don’t you judge me for taking the free peanuts. It’s the economy.

The Ballad of the Sad Cafe

This rarely produced Edward Albee play is currently running at The Chopin Theater, produced by the Signal Ensemble Theatre, but for only another two weeks.

Go see it! Very seldom will I just flat out say a production is brilliant from top to bottom, but this is it. Great acting, sophisticated storytelling, top-notch design.

Don't believe me? Here's a snippet from Don Hall's revue and he's an ass.

Melania Lancy's set is really remarkable - both clean and dirty and detailed within an inch of it's life, the stage makes excellent use of the slightly claustrophobic downstairs Chopin Theater and uses those pillars to great effect. Mark Hurni's lighting is filled with subtlety and, like the music, perfectly underscores what the actors are doing. And what actors are doing is exactly why one goes to see theater.

You can read the rest of the review HERE.

You can get limited discounted tickets through Goldstar. Do it. Do it NOW!

Get their early to enjoy the live pre-show music.

Big Head Sexy Time

File this under Billy Ocean, WTF?

You must watch this all the way through!

Saying Goodbye to a Great Man

I wrote this sketch for Big News the day Ted Kennedy was diagnosed with brain cancer. I like to think that when I approach the gates of Hell, this will be the first of my deeds read from the scroll.

Getting the Place Ready by Mike Bauman 5/27/08

Characters: JFK, Jackie Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, Rosemary Kennedy, Delivery Guy.

LIGHTS UP ON ROBERT KENNEDY IN HEAVEN. JFK AND JACKIE KENNEDY ENTER.

ROBERT KENNEDY

Hi, Jack. Hi, Jackie.

JFK

Hi Bobby. You sounded so distressed on the phone. What's going on?

ROBERT KENNEDY

It's Teddy.

JACKIE KENNEDY

What's wrong?

ROBERT KENNEDY

He's coming up here soon.

JACKIE KENNEDY

Oh my.

ROBERT KENNEDY

And we have to get heaven ready for him.

JFK

Oh boy, this is going to take a lot of work. Do we have enough scotch for Teddy?

ROBERT KENNEDY

No one has enough scotch for Teddy.

JACKIE KENNEDY

Are we completely sure he's coming up here?

JFK

Let me check.

JFK PICKS UP THE PHONE.

JFK

Hello, Nixon. Have you heard anything about Teddy coming down there? No? Thanks, Richard. Give Reagan my best.

JFK HANGS UP.

ROBERT KENNEDY

Ok, we're going to need some girls.

JACKIE KENNEDY

And a shitload of seafood.

A CLEARLY POORLY-LOBOTOMIZED ROSEMARY KENNEDY ENTERS. SHE IS HOLDING A BAG OF BABY CARROTS AND TWO ROLLS OF TOILET PAPER.

ROSEMARY KENNEDY

I brought some carrots and toilet paper for Teddy!

JACKIE PUSHES HER TO EXIT. A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. JFK ANSWERS. IT'S A DELIVERY GUY, HOLDING A BOX.

DELIVERY GUY

Package for Edward M. Kennedy.

JFK

I'll sign for it.

JFK SIGNS AND TAKES THE PACKAGE. THE DELIVERY GUY EXITS. JFK OPENS THE BOX. JFK READS THE ATTACHED CARD.

JFK

Oh, very funny, Lyndon!

ROBERT KENNEDY

What is it?

JFK

Johnson sent a matchbox car floating in a fishbowl.

JACKIE KENNEDY

Poor taste!

JFK

And a Barbie doll with a syringe in it's ass.

ROBERT KENNEDY

That's not even right. Your the one who had Marylin killed, Jack.

JACKIE GLARES AT JFK. JFK TUGS AT HIS COLLAR AS THE LIGHTS FADE.

Disposa-mobile

I may well be complaining about you, and I’m going to sound like an old-fashioned, confused-about-this-new-fangled-technology elderly woman, so I hope you don’t mind…

I find many things about the current cellphone culture to be incredibly bothersome. There are so many things I hate about it that I’m not quite sure where to begin, so let me just start swinging at it like a blind man in a swarm of bees.

Do you really need to buy the newest phone? You just bought your current phone 4 months ago and it seems to be serving you well. Phones should not be fashion accessories. They are useful tools for calling friends, family and business people. Do you really need to exchange the one you have now for the added feature of being able to transform your phone into a Persian rug at the push of a button? Isn’t your hardwood floor nice enough? Do you really need the pencil sharpener? Don’t you usually use a pen anyway?

And boo! to those terrible land-filling phone manufacturers who create substandard devices that don’t last. In my 5 years of cellular living I’ve had three phones, and all three I’ve driven until they've died. My current phone is so dilapidated it belongs in a spooky mansion covered in cobwebs and one large spider with red eyes. When I open it, I expect it to creak like a heavy wooden door or a rusty iron gate, followed by a loud crack of lightening. How did it get this way? Why do they break so easily? I am a gentle owner. True, every day it sits next to my keys, flash drive, pocket change, and my pocket electronic Sudoku, but so does my right testicle, and it seems to be holding up just okay. (I repeat, it’s just okay.)

I’m not going to go into ringtones, but what’s this crap called where you can have people hear a song while they wait for you to answer instead of a normal phone ring? It should be called “Boring Person Indicator” for want of a more descriptive and insulting term. What a depressing feature. Is your desire to tell people all about you so great that you even need to even personalize this? (Have you considered blogging about yourself instead? It’s another great way to tell everyone too much information about yourself, only to ultimately have nobody care, but it's free! Visit I'm So Tired for a good example of one such blog.)

I’m guilty of this, too, so I won’t preach too loud, but just because you’re waiting for a bus and don’t have a book with you, doesn’t mean you have to make a call. Enjoy the scenery. People watch. Think a few new thoughts.

I can't help but suspect that turning every phone into a video camera has diminished our interest in doing good. Pop quiz: If you see a frail, lonely, paranoid, half-lucid, old woman being mugged by some guy, are you more likely to (a) drop everything and chase the bad guy away, or (b) post the video on YouTube?

Talking while driving? I’m not going into that (because I’m a third-degree offender), but talking while biking, rollerblading, or skateboarding? No. Stop it. Now.

And finally, your incessant texting is as irritating as the residual pain from my hernia which sometimes plagues my right nut (I repeat, it’s just okay).

Sure, in some ways these technological advances are great, but I guess my overall point is just because we CAN do something, doesn’t mean we HAVE to do something. In summary, I like to complain about other people.

The Kids Are Back In Town... In Canada...Not A Town...

The Kids In The Hall return to the small screen!

WHY I DRINK

I have a system of “healthiness” that I use daily in which I assign myself a percentage of how good I feel. Like today is pretty average--I got a good night’s sleep, I’m not too cranky, work isn’t sucking so bad and I recently had sex--so I would say I’m about a 96% on the healthiness scale. I knocked off 4% because I have a sore ankle.

So day to day you can ask me how I’m doing and I’ll give you a number. 100% is optimal. 0% would be dead. I will never estimate, either, and will always give you an exact number, factoring in all negative and positive effects on my well-being.

The brilliance of this system is that it gives me an excuse to drink. Because the only way you can ever get above 100% is by drinking or having sex. Sex might pop you up to maybe 110%, but the spike only lasts a few minutes, not to mention that it’s much easier to acquire alcohol than sex, at least in my experience. Also, with booze you can achieve at least a 142% on the healthiness scale. I know this because I was there last Friday night after two or three glasses of wine, a couple more beers and a glass of whiskey that was full enough to resemble a glass of coke (no ice). Had I managed to pile some sex on top of those beverages I might have set a new personal record. (My best is the 147% that occurred back in college and involved a bottle of Peachtree Schnapps and two different girls. But I digress.)

Of course, on Saturday morning I woke up at about 63%. It was rough. After some water and another two hours of sleep I had moved up to about 79%. And after a hamburger and some caffeine I was approaching 87%. After some more time had passed and I drank a couple of Saturday afternoon beers, I was well on my way to 100%, with possible gusts into the 120’s.

So there you have it. Drinking is good for you. It’s like Frank Sinatra once said, “I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” And Sinatra averaged a 117% on the healthiness scale (my estimate).

An Idiot's Perspective on Universal Healthcare

The below is crossposted to my other blog, Clever Title.

This weekend, I was flipping through channels on the TV looking for reruns of American Gladiators - the old ones from the 80's that rocked not the new ones - when I accidentally stopped on the news. I try not to watch the news because it's SO BORING but this time when I stopped there were all these people shouting at people in suits and I thought hey, that's kind of like me! I want to shout at people in suits too!

Why are all these people shouting at people in suits, I asked myself. And then the TV told me it was because of Universal Health Care.

Universal Health Care, what's that? I don't know.

So I call my mom, which is something else I try not to do because it's SO BORING and asked her what was Universal Health Care. And then she talked a lot and I don't listen sometimes because it's SO BORING but when she said Health Care is that you go to the doctor. And then Universe means everybody (which I thought was kind of dumb because Universe is all the stars and shit, but she said there were two meanings. Whatever.)

And then I put together the two words and I said "Holy shit, everybody goes to the doctor!" And mom said not to swear but it is too late so I hung up the phone.

And now I'm mad too. Because I hate going to the doctor!

And now, Obama wants to make us all go to the doctor! That's not right.

I don't go to the doctor much. I have health esurance from work but I didn't ask what it was when they gave it to me because I didn't want them to not hire me so I said thank you and now I don't use it.

But every time I did go to the doctor when I was little they poke this, and stick and needle in that, and shove there hand up there and it hurts and it also sucks and also I don't like it!! And that's me - I'm thirty-three years old. Imagine if Obama makes old people go to the doctor too. They're all old and how can they deal with being poked and needled and hands get shoved up the who knows where?

They can't and it's not right!!

So I say everybody needs to stop what they are doing on the Internets because the nakeds will still be there when you come back and instead go call their TV and tell them NO TO UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE!!!

Because it's not right!!!

God bless.

With Great Espresso Comes Great Responsibility

Click HERE!

I LIKE IKE'S WANG

DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER'S PENIS

Bicycle Incident Press Conference

Ladies and Gentlemen, members of the media, my name is Morlonica Vrendlehein, and I have been asked by Greg to be his spokesperson during this trying time. Before I take your questions, I just want to run through the details of this morning so there’s absolute clarity on the confirmed facts.

At 9:17 am this morning, as Greg was bicycling westbound on Fullerton Ave. approaching Halsted, he stopped rather abruptly, causing him to flip over his handlebars and land on all fours in the middle of the road. All reports indicate that he did this as gracefully as possible, and passerby and onlookers have indicated that as he flew into the air, “his bravada emulated the grace of Mikhail Baryshnikov,” adding “not” at the end as a qualifier. There was respectable distance between he and the surrounding cars, so he was mercifully not badly injured.

Greg's doing very well. He's done a couple of things that manifest his level of comfort, one of which is he actually made the thumbs up sign to the car behind him with both thumbs, which is a good sign. When I saw him earlier this morning he kind of waved at me with his left hand. He's walking very well on both legs. He's got absolutely normal vitals, and we have no shortage of volunteers to go out and hand-pick grass for him. So he's doing very well.

One other point I did want to make, because I'm afraid that I may have misspoken on a couple of things previously… earlier I made a big point about how the optimal outcome for Greg is that he be salvaged for breeding. And some people are taking that the wrong way. I want everyone to understand that even if Greg had absolutely no reproductive value, we still would not have had him put down.

The onset and outcome are still under investigation, but his doctors indicate that Greg is in good health and scar free, but as a precautionary measure he is working a regular full day at work.

We ask for your prayers and thoughts. We appreciate them all. I’ll now take questions from the press.

Rhonda Barkley, “Bicycle Enthusiast”. What was the manner in which he fell?

A: As I indicated, Greg flew forward over his handlebars, legs out behind him like a werewolf leaping onto a chicken. We’re told that the words he chose to express his thoughts on the situation were “wuhwuhwuhwoah!” So, you know, that provides some insight into what he was thinking at the time. After landing on all fours, he kind of slinked onto his side for a split second before rising again to face his public.

Gerry Binkfiner, “Bicycle Fall Enthusiast”. You indicated that there was, quote, “respectable distance between he and the surrounding cars.” Was a driver to blame for this incident, or did Greg bring this on himself?

A: Uh, at this point no suspect has been named. Foul play is not expected, but investigation is underway so we can rule that out. The car in front of him had a junior high age student in the backseat who was facing backwards and laughing hysterically, so it’s possible that there was some deliberate menace on their part. On the other hand, the fall was pretty darn funny, so it’s also possible the kid was just laughing because he was a normal human.

Binkfiner: So then did he fall on purpose?

A: I can’t think why anyone would fall off of a bike in the middle of a busy street on purpose. That’s… no, I think it’s safe to say no, Greg did not do this on purpose. Next question.

Claire Blackwood, “When Bad Things Happen to Good People Enthusiast.” Representatives at Sitemeter.com indicated that traffic to Greg’s blog, I’m So Stupid [sic], has been waning in recent days. Was this bike incident merely a promotional stunt to generate an audience at either his blog or his new sketch revue, “Friends Without Benefits” which opens tonight and runs Fridays at 7:30 pm at Donny’s Skybox through October 5 and is hilarious and only costs $8 for the general public, $5 for students, and $4 for students of the Second City Training Center?

A: Let me answer that in two parts. Yes, it’s true that Greg’s show “Friends Without Benefits” opens tonight at Donny’s Skybox in Piper’s Alley at 1616 N. Wells St., is hilarious and offers affordable ticket prices. But no, Greg is averse to over-the-top promotion and would not make a spectacle of himself simply to promote his comedic art, which is unparalleled and erases all doubt of the existence of a benevolent God. If Greg did this intentionally, and I don’t believe he did, it would only be as a brilliant piece of comic/satiric performance art.

Xue Song Han, “Asian Greg Enthusiast.” Is it true that the fall was the funniest thing ever witnessed by humanity?

A: Yes. To everyone except Greg's mom.

David Riebach, “YouTube Stockholder Enthusiast.” Was the fall captured on video?

A: God, I wish. Wouldn’t that be awesome? But no.

Smorlna Beasley, “Enthusiast.” Is it true that skidmarks were found in the middle of Fullerton Avenue and in the middle of his underwear?

A: DNA analysis is not conclusive at this time, but an answer to this question will most likely not be made public. Please leave this private issue to be dealt with by Greg, his wife, and their God.

Mike Smith, “Important News Enthusiast.” [translated from Arabic] While many African countries have pledged troops, actually, you probably have more than you need. Officials at the United Nations argue that they need advance logistics and facilities, especially in transportation and air that African armies do not have. My first question to you, Sir, is would Sudan agree to the use of these facilities from the Europeans or even Americans, if needed?

A: Sorry, you’re in the wrong room. We’re not taking real questions here.

Denver Glick, Greg’s boss. Is it true that following the accident, Greg spent the next 2 hours at work blogging about his experience instead of performing actual work?

A: (watches watch for 10 seconds) …aaaaaaannnnddd, we’re out of time.

You say tomato, I say rhubarb pie

Who here likes Billy Ocean? "Caribbean Queen" was his most famous song, but you may remember another hit of his - "Loverboy". I want you to listen to "Loverboy". You can hear it here (I use that website all the time and the feds haven't come after me yet, so just calm down). Close your eyes and listen. As you listen to the song concentrate on the words and the rythm, the whole feel of it. Imagine what the video for this song would look like. Don't try to trick yourself, just take the words and the music and how the song makes you feel and imagine what the video for this song would look like. After you have painted yourself a vivid picture go here and watch the video. I'll give you a nickel if you even came close.

Fun, Fun, and Fun

High Fidelity, High Expectations

High Fidelity
Music by Tom Kitt
Lyrics by Amanda Green
Book by David Lindsay-Abaire
Directed and Choreographed by Peter Amster
Piper's Alley
230 West North Avenue, 3rd floor
Route 66 Theatre Company

Originally a novel by British author Nick Hornby, but drawing more heavily from the Chicago-planted John Cusack film adaptation from 2000, comes High Fidelity, the musical. It's the story of Rob, the owner of a struggling record store trying to work his way through a trail of failed relationships in hopes to win back his latest ex-girlfriend, Laura.

What works well for the show is the environment. It's the story of a small group of friends connected by their love of music. They work in a record store by day and hang out at band bars at night. Putting it in a cabaret/night club setting is the right move. But I will say, if you're going to emulate a bar atmosphere, get a better selection of beer. No bar these characters would go to would serve a "carb free" beer.

This ambitious Route 66 Theatre Company production has its bright spots, but ultimately can't overcome the inherent issues in the story. First off, if your main character is a 40-something loser with a Hair Club for Men coif who still sleeps on a futon that doubles as his couch and is a douchebag when it comes to women, I'm going to have a hard time rooting for the dude. And when the love of his life is a 40-something lawyer who leaves him to find herself and then hooks up with an even douchier dude, well, she gets what she deserves.

If you have any familiarity with the original story, you may be wondering about my reference to the lead characters being in their 40s. They're not supposed to be. Even this production's website describes them as being in their 30s. One of the issues, is that the lead actors don't look it. They look old enough to know better and to have already worked out this stuff. The character of Rob, as written, is a bit of a jerk, but he's a jerk with charm and natural charisma and he means well and you cheer for him when he succeeds and you feel bad when he falls back. Such is not the case here. Stef Tovar, who seems like a competent actor, is miscast. The part of Laura, played by Tricia Small, is thin and underwritten, so its difficult to lay too much burden on her performance. What is definitely missing when these two are together on stage is chemistry. There's no reason for the audience to want them to get together, except to wrap up the show.



Behind the leads, is an excellent supporting cast full the spark and great singing chops one would expect from a musical about the love of rock and roll. Michael Mahler as "Dick" and Blair Robertson as "Anna" steal the show with the too few moments they have together on stage. Jonathan Wagner, in the thankless role of "Barry" that was a breakthrough for Jack Black in the film, does an admirable job and nearly brings the damn house down with the kick ass finale number "Turn The World Off."

Basically, the story has problems. A lot of telling us how people think and feel without showing us. It surprised me when Dick and Barry, the two record store employees, show up at the funeral of their boss's ex-girlfriend's father in the second act, but then I remembered someone mentioned in the first act that they liked Laura. Um, yep. There's a lot of that going on. These story telling flaws can only be overcome with super dynamic actors in the leads, which, they unfortunately don't have here.

Full Price, Discounted Ticket, Comp or Avoid Altogether?

Comp. If you get a chance to see it for free, go see it. I not, go rent the DVD and enjoy the movie's soundtrack, it's like listening to a freeform FM station from the 70s.

Chris Flips

I saw a girl as I was walking in to work today and she was wearing neon blue flip flops and a perfectly matched neon blue skirt.

How does that work? Is that a fluke in her wardrobe that they would perfectly match? Was she getting dressed, grabbed the neon blue skirt and then thought “Waitaminute! I have a pair of flip flops that would be a perfect match with this skirt”? That could happen, right?

Was it a happy accident or did she work at it? Did she buy the flip flops first and then decide to find a matching skirt? Or did she buy the skirt first thinking it would be easier to find matching flip flops? Did she leave the house one day in search of flip flops, or was she specifically looking for neon blue flip flops? Or was she just looking for flip flops, and the neon blue ones were on sale? Was she maybe just bargain shopping? Or is it possible that she really needed flip flops and these were the only pair left at the store that fit? That's a possibility, isn’t it?

Does she also have other color matching skirts/flip flop sets? Does she have a yellow skirt and yellow flip flops? Green and green? Red and red? Did she have a choice between various neon colors, but went with blue for a particular reason? Did she think the odds were more favorable of finding a match with neon blue than any other neon color?

Isn’t it highly likely that she would at least have a black skirt and a pair of black flip flops? Does she enjoy wearing them as much as she enjoys wearing brighter colors? Does she eschew black and refuse to wear it? Are all of her flip flops neon or does she maybe have some earth tones mixed in there? You would think so, wouldn't you?

Does she sometimes wear complimentary neon colors, like red flip flops with a green skirt? Would she wear that at Christmas? Do you think she wears green and green on St. Patrick’s Day? Wouldn’t it be too cold for flip flops and skirts on those two holidays? Are there other holidays that would call for a flip flop/skirt color combination? Would she wear brown on Arbor Day? Would it even have to be a holiday to wear a special combination? Would she possibly wear blue flip flops with an orange skirt to a Bears game? Wouldn’t that also be too cold, especially if it was a late season game? What if it was a night game? Would she wear a completely different outfit? Would she wear jeans with flip flops? What color would the jeans be? Wouldn’t her feet still get cold? Shouldn’t she just stay home and watch the game on TV, if it’s that important to her to wear flip flops and a skirt? Isn't that a reasonable question to ask?

Do you think her earrings also matched her skirt and flip flops? Doesn’t that seem logical as earrings are one of the easiest things to accessorize and come in variety of colors? Will I lie awake tonight wondering if she was wearing neon blue earrings? Should I torture myself about this? If she was wearing neon blue earrings, isn't it likely I would have noticed, since they were neon? Isn’t it possible that they were probably just regular gold or silver earrings since those metals tend to go with a wide variety of colors and patterns? Is it also possible that maybe she wasn’t wearing earrings at all? Is it possible that she doesn’t have any ears? Did I not notice because I was too wrapped up in the questions about the neon blue flip flops/skirt combination? Am I overthinking this?

I wanted to stop and ask her these, and many other questions, but I hate coming into work after I get maced.

AUDITIONS!

AUDITION NOTICE

Robot vs. Dinosaur is NOW CASTING its latest scripted sketch comedy revue.

AUDITION TIME:

Tuesday, September 1, 2009 (6 to 9 p.m.)
or
Wednesday, September 2, 2009 (7 to 10 p.m.)
Callbacks will be held on Thursday, September 3 from 6 to 9 p.m.
One hour slots available at 6, 7 and 8 p.m. on 9/1 or 7, 8, and 9 p.m. on 9/2

The audition will be cold readings from the script with some improv.

Auditions will be held at THE SECOND CITY TRAINING CENTER (check in at 4TH Floor Lobby)

PERFORMANCES:

Performances will be at the Gorilla Tango Theatre, Fridays and Saturdays at 8 p.m., October 16 through November 21, 2009
(Important Dates: You must be available for all performances to audition. Any other schedule conflicts are negotiable.)

CASTING:

Looking for a variety of MALES and FEMALES and PUPPETEERS. It will be a fun time and a great opportunity for all levels of experience.

SIGN UP:

To sign up for a time slot, please email Chris Othic at crothic at yahoo.com or call/text 773-314-3582 and leave a message with your name, phone number, email address and preferred time slot. Chris will contact you to confirm your slot.

Please bring headshots and resumes (if you have them) to the audition, as well as your availability for rehearsals from 9/1/2009 through 10/16/2009.

We hope to see you at the audition!

Remembering Les Paul

Les Paul, the inventor of the electric toaster, died this week of squirrel-cell polynoma. He was 37 years old. Paul, known to his friends as "knobwasher," delighted generations of music lovers with his unique renditions of Andorran jazz standards played on transient miners.

Les Paul was born Paul Les in Pittsburgh, Hawaii. Several sources cited his date of birth as cantaloupe the third, but those sources were often disabled. After a childhood full of bees, Paul packed his suitcases at the age of 12. He then unpacked his suitcases because he didn't leave home until his was 16. In the summer of 1931, a prescient Les Paul stormed the beach of Normandy, keeping Hitler out of France for nearly a decade. Sailing from Dunkirk on the S.S. Minnow, Paul moved to New York City where he met his wife Fernando. Fernando encouraged Paul to take up the guitar, beginning a career that would span 87 presidential gay scandals.

Paul's first album, I Don't Understand Why the Strings on the Bottom Are Called the Top Strings, sold dozens of copies, missing the top of the charts only because it never made the charts. His next LP, Leo Fender is a Cunt, featured the vocals of Edsel Ford. The record stymied both the music and motor industries for several years. Paul quit the music business and spent the next 40 years as a weather balloon.

New fans began discovering Paul's old albums in the late 1990's when his entire catalogue was released on 9-track tape. Suddenly in demand, the elderly guitarist crossed the country, accusing lawn gnomes of treason. Paul's final public appearances was as at the 2007 Grammys as Keith Urban's undershirt.

Since Les Paul's passing, tributes have been pouring in:

"Without Les Paul's influence, I would never have learned the guitar." - Tim Conway

"Les Paul was to music what Leonardo DiCaprio is to physics." - Lady Gaga

"I was putting together a panel to have him killed anyway." - President Obama

Les Paul will be laid to rest in your soup tomorrow morning. Flowers are discouraged, but will be happy again soon. A 403 disc retrospective box set, This G-String Had Been Used for Other Unsanitary Purposes, is expected to be released in 2 to 3 years with good behavior.

Ferris Bueller Trivia

If you ever find yourself watching John Hughes’ classic “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” with a person who has never seen it before, and you’re dropping little bits of trivia as the movie progresses, there will come a moment when everyone will get bummed out…

“See Ferris’s parents? The actors names are Cindy Pickett and Lyman Ward. They met on the movie set and actually ended up getting married!

“But they weren’t the only love story on the set! Ferris is played by Matthew Broderick, and see that girl playing his sister Jeannie? That’s Jennifer Grey. While they were making this movie they were dating, and they later got engaged.

“That’s Alan Ruck playing the part of Cameron. Can you believe he was 29 when he starred in this! Yeah, I know, he is excellent!

“Ferris’s girlfriend, that’s Mia Sara. She’s… I got nothin’ on her.

“That monotonous economics teacher is Ben Stein! He was a speechwriter for Richard Nixon! Pretty neat, huh!

“Yes, that’s Mrs. Poole from The Hogan Family. Her real name is Edie McClurg, and this scene where she’s answering the phone and trying to sound like the principal is improvised!

“What’s that? Tell you something interesting about Ed who? Sorry, I didn’t catch that name, come again? … Oh! The principal! Yeah… Hmm, what can I tell you about him … Well, his name is Jeffrey Jones, and he was in Amadeus and Ed Wood. … I can tell that you do not find that tidbit interesting. Let’s see, I know he attended the London Academy of Music and Dramatic Art in 1969. … Not factoidy enough for you? Well, like his secretary in the film, he has red hair. Let’s call that a good piece of trivia about him and move on so I can tell you all about Charlie Sheen staying up for 48 hours before filming! … No? Still not satisfied? Okay… I only know one more thing about him. (sigh) I can tell you that he disappeared from film and TV for three years after he was arrested for possession of child pornography and employing a 14-year-old boy to pose for pornographic photographs.

“What? Turn it off? We’re not even half-way through!

“No! Why would I find it creepy that the man playing the principal, surrounded by all these high school aged actors, is a sexual predator? … Stop being weirded out, he’s completely employable now! Since the "incident" he's starred in the hilarious Caddyshack rip-off “Who’s Your Caddy?”

“... Well, yes, I guess you’re right. That title is an obvious play on the phrase “Who’s your daddy?” which as you say that is a phrase used to imply a boastful claim of physical or sexual dominance over the intended listener. … His character’s name in “Who’s Your Caddy?” Why would you even want to know that? ... Fine, I can see you won’t be satisfied until I give you an answer, and I don’t like interrupting the movie for this long, because it really breaks the flow— Um, I think his character’s name is flemberfflmphh. … I said flenderflemvvv. … Louder you say? Cummings! Yes, his character’s name is Cummings! Who cares? I don't get it … Oh, that's very juvenile of you to find it eerily coincidental that an actor who was arrested for taking snapshots of a nude 14-year-old boy in his own home just happen to be in a film whose title is a play on sexual dominance playing a character whose name, in a completely different context, refers to the orgasm. Will you let the man be? Let the guy have a career!

“Turn it off?! You haven’t even seen Louie Anderson as the flower delivery guy! Come on, this is a great movie! One of the best ‘80s comedies ever! … Fine. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. Can I refill your tea? ... What’s that? …Sure, I still feel like watching something. What do you feel like? … No longer in a laughing mood, eh? Sure, we can watch The Pianist. … Let’s see, what trivia do I know about Roman Polanski…”

Correcto

I just returned from five days in Honduras, most of them spent fending off grasshoppers the size of toasters and buying watermelon from bus vendors (Dear CTA, something to consider?). I also discovered that the orphans I was hanging out with, Honduran boys ages five through 15, were strangely current when it came to movies they'd seen. I learned quickly that this is due to Central America's profitable bootleg DVD trade, where you can buy a copy for a movie that hasn't even been made yet for the price of the previously mentioned watermelon. So the upside is that you end up seeing movies before even the actors themselves see them. And the downside is that you don't really see the movie at all. Instead what you see is a second-hand movie theater experience, shaky camcorder held so that half the screen is missing, scenes interrupted by people getting up to go to the bathroom, the ever-present crunch of popcorn eating in the background, the hum of an air conditioner. In the end, you hear more chewing and mouth breathing than dialog. And ultimately, you wonder if you just should've opted for the watermelon instead.

On one rainy night, sitting on folding chairs in an open-air mess hall, the boys were given a choice between the newest Harry Potter movie, Up and G-Force, a movie centered around the adventures of talking gerbils. Not one to outwardly influence the vote, I secretly hoped they'd choose Up, but to no avail. What followed was 90 minutes of gerbils in goggles and space gear talking in rapid-fire, badly dubbed Spanish. I got up and left a quarter of the way through, when walking back to our house through the darkness and the wet grass and a fine layer of toaster-sized grasshoppers seemed more enjoyable than the movie. And I don't even know why I'm telling you this except to to say that bootlegged movies are fascinating, and Spanish-speaking gerbils are funny, and together they are intolerable, but that is only my opinion. Nine of out of 10 Honduran orphans would probably think otherwise.

CAPTION THIS WINNER!!

And the winner is . . . Mr. Joe Janes with this little gem:

"And now . . . the wind section."

I liked his entry because it was short and sweet and sort of low brow without actually being low brow. Joe will be getting his prize the next time I see him.

Special thanks also to Mike Harris, who obviously knew the real story "behind" this photo, which I will share with you now. This photo was taken when I did some stand up comedy at my office holiday party back in December of 2005. In case you didn't know, I work at a law firm where I am a secretary, and the also the only male secretary in the firm. Here is the joke that more or less used this pose:

“I thought it would be fun if I got a bunch of guys together that are in these sort of female dominated jobs, and we could do one of those beefcake calendars. You know? You could have the little male nurse, with his little needle. [pose] Or the guy behind the cosmetic counter, maybe spraying some perfume. [pose] Oh, and here would be me, typing at my keyboard. [pose]”

Actually, I changed it up a bit, as you can see in the video below. I think the final turned out much better.



Also, for your reading enjoyment, here is the text of the entire routine. This is actually quite a bit different than what is on the video, as I think this is my final written version of the routine, and then over the last week or so of rehearsing I made quite a few cuts and changes. I’ll talk about my rather limited experience doing stand up in a future blog post.

Once again, congrats to Joe and thanks to everyone who submitted a caption.

Chris Othic's GCD Idol Routine:

I know, I know what’s going on here. “Hey let’s put the male secretary up on stage.” Look at the freak, everyone! And I know what you’re saying. I hear the whispers. “He’s not like the female secretaries.” “He never bakes anything.” “I hear he can pee standing up.”

Hey there is nothing wrong with being a male secretary. I know it doesn’t sound very manly, but you should see what I use to hit the space bar. [Then just glance down between your legs and smile knowingly]

I thought it would be fun if I got a bunch of guys together that are in these sort of female dominated jobs, and we could do one of those beefcake calendars. You know? You could have the little male nurse, with his little needle. [pose] Or the guy behind the cosmetic counter, maybe spraying some perfume. [pose] Oh, and here would be me at my keyboard. [pose] Ah, it’s a bad idea. Nobody would want to see those other guys in their speedos.

I’ve noticed that there are two kinds of people around the law firm: the staple people and the paper clip people. I’m a staple guy, you know? It’s just more fun. Like when you’re attorney makes you mad, you can staple with an attitude. (Act out an imaginary confrontation.) “You need this document right now? Oh yeah? I shall staple it for you! {staple angrily, twice] Bam, Bam. Here you go. Those sheets of paper shall remain fastened together, forever!” You can’t really get that satisfaction out of a paper clip. It’s like (Act out a similar imaginary confrontation.) “You need this document right now? Oh yeah? I shall paper clip it for you.” [Act out trying to retrieve paperclip from holder, very delicately] (Meekly) I can’t get just one clip, they’re stuck together. It’s because of their trombone shape! [Retrieve clip, angrily put it on paper.] (Confrontational) Here you go! Those sheets of paper shall remain—oh yeah, you’re right, I should have used a binder clip. Dammit!” Sometimes I hold the stapler sideways, too, like I’m one of those gangstas about to pop a cap into a severance agreement. “Oh yeah! Take this sucka!” You should see what I do with the three hole punch.

This is sort of depressing, if you’re a lawyer, but that your job consists of basically coming to work, day in and day out, and for the rest of your life, having a term paper due every three days. I mean that sounds awful, doesn’t it? Is there any job that would suck worse than that? Oh yeah, I know: The only job worse than that would be having to type somebody else’s term paper every three days. Talk about a sucky job! Hey, wait a minute . . .

Speaking of stuff that sucks, how about this: Paper cuts. You ever get one of those? Little bitty cut, hurts like hell, and won’t stop bleeding NO MATTER WHAT. (Demonstrating) You got the Band-Aids and the wrapping of the gauze and your sucking on it and it’s getting all over your desk and the papers and it just keeps on coming and at some point (pause for effect) isn’t it just easier to hand a bloody document to your attorney? It’s like, “You know what, let’s just come to an agreement, we’re going to have blood on the documents today, okay? It’s my blood, I don’t have any infectious diseases, we’re both type O, we should be fine.”

And here’s a little secret they aren’t telling you. You know some of the folks who (finger quotes) “supposedly” left the firm? (pause, look around suspiciously.) Papercutted to death. Oh, yeah, hey it’s not funny. Damn you manilla folders!

And I have to be extra careful about papercuts because when you do as much typing as I do, any type of finger injury can be a huge problem. Like, this past spring, I jammed my finger playing softball. There’s me, rolling around on the ground, holding my finger, and my teammates were like, “Why are you crying? It’s just your pinkie.” And I told them, “You don’t understand, it’s not just my pinkie, that’s my semi-colon finger!” (Holding up pinkie.)

You can laugh about a potentially career ending injury if you want, but it’s a big thing to me. Because what most people don’t know is I can type 870 words per minute. That’s right. 870 words per minute. You don’t believe me? Check this out. [Demonstrate: I SPACE , I SPACE, I SPACE, I SPACE, A SPACE, A SPACE, A SPACE, A SPACE, I SPACE, A SPACE, I SPACE, A SPACE. (pause) Semicolon. [Holding up fingers and blowing on them like they are smoking guns.] Hey, you don’t think that’s worth a 4 percent raise every year? You can spell check it if you want. No errors.

Typing isn’t my only skill. I also know how to sneak porn in through the GCD firewall. Yeah, and they don’t think I’m partner material.

Lollapalooza: as Critiqued by a Crotchety Old Man and His Pomeranian, Fritz

Double posted on Clever Title.



These goddamn kids!

Every Sunday, I go down to Grant Park with my Pomeranian, Fritz. We go for a little walk, we poo poo, I pick it up, we feed pigeons little pieces of bread and just enjoy the day. Here's a picture of Fritz, in case you as well love Pomeranians.

Well this Sunday, Fritz and I took out little walk and, as we were walking towards the bench where I always - always - sit and feed the pigeons, there were two goddamned hippie kids kissing each other French style!

And then I heard the noise!

And the smell of unwashed teenagers and twenty year old youngins!

And the faint stench of vodka mixed with 7-Eleven Big Gulp drinks!

And I said to myself, goddamn it! It's one of those damned Lollypaloser rackets they do every summer!

Fritz was not happy either. Isn't that right, Fritz?

Yes.

I decided to take Fritz home to our condo and sooth his nerves with a freshly baked doggie treat - I could tell all the hippery was playing with Fritz's constitution - but everywhere we went there were damned kids dancing and singing and vomiting and carrying on.

At about 5:30 PM, one of the so called "bands" took the stage and it was particularly odious. I don't understand how people can call that music. Ella Fitzgerald, now that was music. Now a days, bands have such weird names, like "Arctic Monkeys."

That doesn't even make sense, "Arctic Monkeys!" Monkeys don't live in the Arctic! Penguins do! Even Fritz could tell you that!

Well, needless to say, I plan on complaining to my alderman. This racket needs to stop.

The only thing that could possibly be worse is if we get the Olympics, with all those greasy foreigners running around.

Fritz would have a fit.

For Us News Junkies

Possibly the greatest thing in the history of the world:



If you're not into politics and current events, here's something for those of you who prefer the higher-brow entertainment:

An open letter to the cute little designers of Japan Airlines website

Congratulations on your very own big-boy website, Japan Airline web designer! Your Mommy will be SO PROUD of you! You have a couple pictures on there, some hyperlinks--whoa! calm down! I want the links to be hyper, not you, buddy! This is really good! We're going to hang it on the fridge when Mommy gets home. It looks just like a real website, and I'm super proud of you, Champ. To think you made it all out of glitter and dried beans. Very impressive.

So, just a few little things, Pal, nothing major. I think it's really neat just the way it is, but one thing that a lot of grown-ups like to do when they are flying in a plane--up-up and away!--is to ask the nice people at the airline if they can sit next to people that love them. When we're going to spend more than 40 hours flying roundtrip, Mommy and I like to sit by each other. That way Mommy won't get her shoulder drooled on by a sleeping stranger and I can take my shoes off without being embarrassed about my bunions.

Some of links are a little bit silly, aren't they! I like these two which look like they go two different places, but then, nope! they go to the same page! You're silly, you goofball!

You're getting sleepy, aren't you. Is it already 7:30? It's past someone's bedtime. Go on to bed, Junior, and take your toll free customer service number to bed with you. It stopped taking calls at 6:00 pm anyway. We'll talk about it more in the morning. Maybe we can look at some real websites tomorrow!

Please familiarize yourself with all the exits. I'm very pleased with you, little man.

Guest Review of "Put My Finger In Your Mouth"

Last Thursday, I had the pleasure of seeing the new Right Brain Project production written by Bob Fisher, directed by Nathan Robbel and featuring Metaluna alum Erin Orr. My friend Michelle Peterson from Whack Publications accompanied me and her is her review.

CLICK ON THE IMAGE TO READ THE FULL REVIEW...







PUT MY FINGER IN YOUR MOUTH
10 p.m. each Friday and Saturday
through August 29
$15 (suggested donation)
RBP Rorschach, 4001 North Ravenswood, Irving Park & Ravenswood on the
Northeast side of the Metra tracks.

Reservations highly recommended and available through the RBP box office,
773-750-2033 or e-mail ticket requests, tickets@therbp.org

PUT MY FINGER IN YOUR MOUTH is intended for mature audiences.

A Life With Purpose

We all have a purpose. Even rocks.



Yep. God said, "Hey, David. Use that rock to kill that guy." Even God runs out of ideas.

Found this gem on Everything Is Terrible.

CAPTION CONTEST!

Okay, blog posting has been a little . . . slow . . . lately, and I know Nat is trekking across the Canadian border today, so . . . CAPTION CONTEST!

Please submit your caption for the photo below (featuring yours truly doing . . . something). Entries must be submitted by Monday, August 10 at 5 p.m. I will announce the winner next Tuesday as well as tell you what this caption should really say when I do my weekly post.

The winner will receive a six-pack of the beer of their choice (up to $6.99 value) or the money equivalent if I cannot hand deliver it. Multiple submissions from the same person are welcome.

So, CAPTION THIS: