Quick Hits

I recently had this semi-homoerotic text exchange with a friend of mine, “Mike,” regarding a BBQ dinner that he owes me and Fantasy Football.

Mike: Hey, Chris - haven’t had a chance to look, but hope you had a good
draft. Doesn’t look like I’ll be able to make it to BBQ dinner I owe you
this weekend. Sorry. I’ll touch base when I can. Mike
out.

Me: No prob. You’re still my main man unless you
beat me in week one of FFL.

Mike: I’m moderately uncomfortable, yet curiously intrigued
by your response. Shall we tell your wife?

Me: No gayness intended in my last response.
Reread it doing a Jimmy Walker impression.

Mike: Oh yes, much better. I had flipped on the Monroe switch
from Too Close For Comfort.

***

Wouldn’t it be great if there was a Monroe switch on your phone, and it would read your text messages in a certain way? I would also like to have a Clint Eastwood switch, Uncle Jesse from the Dukes of Hazard, Darth Vader, Rosie Perez and--oh forget it--the Monroe switch is the only one you would ever need.

***

“You know, the only reason I’m not gay is because I’m afraid of what might not happen. I mean, if I decide to go gay because all of the women have rejected me, what happens when all the men reject me? Am I then stuck waiting for aliens to land, hoping they might be into me? I really hope they have vaginas.” --Said by me, very recently

***

This is a funny little thing I have been known to say at parties and such when my sexuality has been questioned (this happens a lot). You must admit, it’s slightly amusing. That is, unless one of your fellow writers (NAT TOPPING) makes a point of saying “Haven’t I heard you say that before? What are you, a stand up comedian?” And by "fellow writer" I meant “ASSHOLE.”

***

Mary Liz’s line from a recent Cubs game when the New York Mets manager walked out to the mound in the 7th inning as the Mets were being blown out, 11-4: “Do you think he’s making his dinner plans?” Then she went on to talk about how he was probably getting the pitcher’s steak order, and deciding what restaurant they were going to check out after the game. She's never even seen Bull Durham. And I think I’m the funny one.

***

If you’re a baseball fan, now is a good time to go to Cubs games. Scalped tickets are going for less money than it takes to get a hand job in Wicker Park. A friend recently got one for $10 (a ticket) outside the ballpark. I got one for $3 (still talking about tickets) in the fifth inning of a recent game. And if you wait until the game is over and everyone has left, free peanuts and souvenir cups!

***

Don’t you judge me for taking the free peanuts. It’s the economy.