WHY I DRINK

I have a system of “healthiness” that I use daily in which I assign myself a percentage of how good I feel. Like today is pretty average--I got a good night’s sleep, I’m not too cranky, work isn’t sucking so bad and I recently had sex--so I would say I’m about a 96% on the healthiness scale. I knocked off 4% because I have a sore ankle.

So day to day you can ask me how I’m doing and I’ll give you a number. 100% is optimal. 0% would be dead. I will never estimate, either, and will always give you an exact number, factoring in all negative and positive effects on my well-being.

The brilliance of this system is that it gives me an excuse to drink. Because the only way you can ever get above 100% is by drinking or having sex. Sex might pop you up to maybe 110%, but the spike only lasts a few minutes, not to mention that it’s much easier to acquire alcohol than sex, at least in my experience. Also, with booze you can achieve at least a 142% on the healthiness scale. I know this because I was there last Friday night after two or three glasses of wine, a couple more beers and a glass of whiskey that was full enough to resemble a glass of coke (no ice). Had I managed to pile some sex on top of those beverages I might have set a new personal record. (My best is the 147% that occurred back in college and involved a bottle of Peachtree Schnapps and two different girls. But I digress.)

Of course, on Saturday morning I woke up at about 63%. It was rough. After some water and another two hours of sleep I had moved up to about 79%. And after a hamburger and some caffeine I was approaching 87%. After some more time had passed and I drank a couple of Saturday afternoon beers, I was well on my way to 100%, with possible gusts into the 120’s.

So there you have it. Drinking is good for you. It’s like Frank Sinatra once said, “I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” And Sinatra averaged a 117% on the healthiness scale (my estimate).