Saying Goodbye to a Great Man

I wrote this sketch for Big News the day Ted Kennedy was diagnosed with brain cancer. I like to think that when I approach the gates of Hell, this will be the first of my deeds read from the scroll.

Getting the Place Ready by Mike Bauman 5/27/08

Characters: JFK, Jackie Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, Rosemary Kennedy, Delivery Guy.

LIGHTS UP ON ROBERT KENNEDY IN HEAVEN. JFK AND JACKIE KENNEDY ENTER.

ROBERT KENNEDY

Hi, Jack. Hi, Jackie.

JFK

Hi Bobby. You sounded so distressed on the phone. What's going on?

ROBERT KENNEDY

It's Teddy.

JACKIE KENNEDY

What's wrong?

ROBERT KENNEDY

He's coming up here soon.

JACKIE KENNEDY

Oh my.

ROBERT KENNEDY

And we have to get heaven ready for him.

JFK

Oh boy, this is going to take a lot of work. Do we have enough scotch for Teddy?

ROBERT KENNEDY

No one has enough scotch for Teddy.

JACKIE KENNEDY

Are we completely sure he's coming up here?

JFK

Let me check.

JFK PICKS UP THE PHONE.

JFK

Hello, Nixon. Have you heard anything about Teddy coming down there? No? Thanks, Richard. Give Reagan my best.

JFK HANGS UP.

ROBERT KENNEDY

Ok, we're going to need some girls.

JACKIE KENNEDY

And a shitload of seafood.

A CLEARLY POORLY-LOBOTOMIZED ROSEMARY KENNEDY ENTERS. SHE IS HOLDING A BAG OF BABY CARROTS AND TWO ROLLS OF TOILET PAPER.

ROSEMARY KENNEDY

I brought some carrots and toilet paper for Teddy!

JACKIE PUSHES HER TO EXIT. A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. JFK ANSWERS. IT'S A DELIVERY GUY, HOLDING A BOX.

DELIVERY GUY

Package for Edward M. Kennedy.

JFK

I'll sign for it.

JFK SIGNS AND TAKES THE PACKAGE. THE DELIVERY GUY EXITS. JFK OPENS THE BOX. JFK READS THE ATTACHED CARD.

JFK

Oh, very funny, Lyndon!

ROBERT KENNEDY

What is it?

JFK

Johnson sent a matchbox car floating in a fishbowl.

JACKIE KENNEDY

Poor taste!

JFK

And a Barbie doll with a syringe in it's ass.

ROBERT KENNEDY

That's not even right. Your the one who had Marylin killed, Jack.

JACKIE GLARES AT JFK. JFK TUGS AT HIS COLLAR AS THE LIGHTS FADE.