Friday, August 21, 2009

Bicycle Incident Press Conference

Ladies and Gentlemen, members of the media, my name is Morlonica Vrendlehein, and I have been asked by Greg to be his spokesperson during this trying time. Before I take your questions, I just want to run through the details of this morning so there’s absolute clarity on the confirmed facts.

At 9:17 am this morning, as Greg was bicycling westbound on Fullerton Ave. approaching Halsted, he stopped rather abruptly, causing him to flip over his handlebars and land on all fours in the middle of the road. All reports indicate that he did this as gracefully as possible, and passerby and onlookers have indicated that as he flew into the air, “his bravada emulated the grace of Mikhail Baryshnikov,” adding “not” at the end as a qualifier. There was respectable distance between he and the surrounding cars, so he was mercifully not badly injured.

Greg's doing very well. He's done a couple of things that manifest his level of comfort, one of which is he actually made the thumbs up sign to the car behind him with both thumbs, which is a good sign. When I saw him earlier this morning he kind of waved at me with his left hand. He's walking very well on both legs. He's got absolutely normal vitals, and we have no shortage of volunteers to go out and hand-pick grass for him. So he's doing very well.

One other point I did want to make, because I'm afraid that I may have misspoken on a couple of things previously… earlier I made a big point about how the optimal outcome for Greg is that he be salvaged for breeding. And some people are taking that the wrong way. I want everyone to understand that even if Greg had absolutely no reproductive value, we still would not have had him put down.

The onset and outcome are still under investigation, but his doctors indicate that Greg is in good health and scar free, but as a precautionary measure he is working a regular full day at work.

We ask for your prayers and thoughts. We appreciate them all. I’ll now take questions from the press.

Rhonda Barkley, “Bicycle Enthusiast”. What was the manner in which he fell?

A: As I indicated, Greg flew forward over his handlebars, legs out behind him like a werewolf leaping onto a chicken. We’re told that the words he chose to express his thoughts on the situation were “wuhwuhwuhwoah!” So, you know, that provides some insight into what he was thinking at the time. After landing on all fours, he kind of slinked onto his side for a split second before rising again to face his public.

Gerry Binkfiner, “Bicycle Fall Enthusiast”. You indicated that there was, quote, “respectable distance between he and the surrounding cars.” Was a driver to blame for this incident, or did Greg bring this on himself?

A: Uh, at this point no suspect has been named. Foul play is not expected, but investigation is underway so we can rule that out. The car in front of him had a junior high age student in the backseat who was facing backwards and laughing hysterically, so it’s possible that there was some deliberate menace on their part. On the other hand, the fall was pretty darn funny, so it’s also possible the kid was just laughing because he was a normal human.

Binkfiner: So then did he fall on purpose?

A: I can’t think why anyone would fall off of a bike in the middle of a busy street on purpose. That’s… no, I think it’s safe to say no, Greg did not do this on purpose. Next question.

Claire Blackwood, “When Bad Things Happen to Good People Enthusiast.” Representatives at indicated that traffic to Greg’s blog, I’m So Stupid [sic], has been waning in recent days. Was this bike incident merely a promotional stunt to generate an audience at either his blog or his new sketch revue, “Friends Without Benefits” which opens tonight and runs Fridays at 7:30 pm at Donny’s Skybox through October 5 and is hilarious and only costs $8 for the general public, $5 for students, and $4 for students of the Second City Training Center?

A: Let me answer that in two parts. Yes, it’s true that Greg’s show “Friends Without Benefits” opens tonight at Donny’s Skybox in Piper’s Alley at 1616 N. Wells St., is hilarious and offers affordable ticket prices. But no, Greg is averse to over-the-top promotion and would not make a spectacle of himself simply to promote his comedic art, which is unparalleled and erases all doubt of the existence of a benevolent God. If Greg did this intentionally, and I don’t believe he did, it would only be as a brilliant piece of comic/satiric performance art.

Xue Song Han, “Asian Greg Enthusiast.” Is it true that the fall was the funniest thing ever witnessed by humanity?

A: Yes. To everyone except Greg's mom.

David Riebach, “YouTube Stockholder Enthusiast.” Was the fall captured on video?

A: God, I wish. Wouldn’t that be awesome? But no.

Smorlna Beasley, “Enthusiast.” Is it true that skidmarks were found in the middle of Fullerton Avenue and in the middle of his underwear?

A: DNA analysis is not conclusive at this time, but an answer to this question will most likely not be made public. Please leave this private issue to be dealt with by Greg, his wife, and their God.

Mike Smith, “Important News Enthusiast.” [translated from Arabic] While many African countries have pledged troops, actually, you probably have more than you need. Officials at the United Nations argue that they need advance logistics and facilities, especially in transportation and air that African armies do not have. My first question to you, Sir, is would Sudan agree to the use of these facilities from the Europeans or even Americans, if needed?

A: Sorry, you’re in the wrong room. We’re not taking real questions here.

Denver Glick, Greg’s boss. Is it true that following the accident, Greg spent the next 2 hours at work blogging about his experience instead of performing actual work?

A: (watches watch for 10 seconds) …aaaaaaannnnddd, we’re out of time.

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