Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Wherein 39-Year-Old Andy Gunderson Writes Letters Of Apology To Some Of The Women Of His Past, For Transgressions They May Or May Not Be Aware Of



Dear Callie,

I would like to apologize for my inappropriate touching, kissing and hugging of you back in Aunt Tina’s sandbox when we were toddlers. I realize most people think of this as cute behavior, but at the time I know I was stepping over the line. Thank goodness you were strong enough for both of us. There is no telling where it would have led to if your cries had not awakened Uncle Archie from his gin-soaked sleep. Please accept my apology.

Yours truly,

Andy
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Dear Natalie,

Regarding the short time we spent in my grandpa’s tool shed back in 1976 (we were seven years old): I just wanted to say I’m sorry. You showed me yours upon the promise that I would show you mine, and I failed to live up to my end of the bargain. Enclosed is a picture of mine (it is current). I hope that we can once again be friends.

Yours truly,

Andy

Enclosure
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Dear Sandra,

Let me come clean and state that the booger that was left in your chair in Ms. Tulley’s Fourth Grade class was left by me, not Willis Washington. I thought it was unfair of you to accuse him falsely, but ultimately I feel responsible. I didn’t realize it would make you throw up like that--on spaghetti and meatball day no less! You certainly have a gentle disposition! Thus my attempt at juvenile humor ended in open embarrassment for you and hidden shame for me. Please forgive me.

Yours truly,

Andy

P.S. If it is of some comfort to you, I could no longer eat spaghetti and meatballs after the incident.

cc: Willis Washington
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Dear Katrina,

I am writing to apologize for that first kiss we shared under Amy Tatum’s walnut tree (the one in the back yard). As you may have realized by now, it was my first kiss (ever--thank you!), and after learning the ropes I realize it might have been a little too much tongue. One of my later girlfriends (who took the time to teach me proper kissing technique as well as locate the clitoris) described it appropriately as “all tongue, no lips.” Knowing better now, I do apologize. I do not apologize, however, for groping your left breast. I know it offended you, because you slapped me, at which point I tried to grope your right breast. I do apologize for that. But I stand by my right to at least try to grope a breast once while in junior high, and with all the tonguing and stuff I was getting mixed signals.

Yours truly,

Andy
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Dear Rita,

I hope this letter finds you well. I just wanted to apologize for something I wrote on the bathroom wall right after our break-up back in sophomore year at Reedville High School. You were certainly not a “hore who sukz football playerz dikz [sic].” That was not true, and I apologize. I did learn that you actually did a lot of this type of thing during senior year, but due to the timing of my indiscretion, I feel I wronged you.

Yours truly,

Andy
Former Captain of the Fightin’ Flyers
Henry County Community College Intramural (flag) Football Champs - C Division

P.S. Maybe we can get together and catch up sometime!
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Dear Sally Jane,

I would like to apologize to you for a slight transgression perpetrated by me against you back in Junior year. It seems there was a hole in the janitor’s closet adjoining the women’s showers, and myself and a few others watched you and some of the other cheerleaders bathing. I realize it was wrong. I only take solace in the fact that I was one of the few fellows who were not touching themselves during the incident. Please accept my sincere apology. I hope to see you soon.

Your bro,

Andy

P.S. Please don’t tell Mom. I will send her a separate letter of apology for transgressions against her--not of the sexual variety, thank goodness!
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Dear Melissa,

I’m sorry about the thing I did to you while you were passed out after the Sadie Hawkins Dance in the fall of 1988. It was just plain wrong. Please, please accept my most sincere apology. If we were to ever resume our friendship, I can promise it won’t happen again.

Yours truly,

Andy

P.S. I’m pretty sure Ben Harris owes you a letter of apology, also. I’m not positive as I left the room for a few minutes and he was alone with you. I’m just saying.
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Dear Becca,

I am writing to apologize about the circumstances of our break up during the summer of 1988, right before college. You were right about Stacy the whole time, but I was too blinded by her superior body to realize it in the heat of the moment. If I could do it over, I’m not sure I would have the strength to not sleep with Stacy, but I definitely would have resisted the urge to sleep with you the following week, thereby avoiding the whole embarrassment caused by transmitting that nasty STD. Please find it in your heart to forgive me and do say hello to your sister for me, if you are still on speaking terms.

Yours truly,

Andy