Saturday, May 2, 2009

The Real Justice Souter Resignation Letter

Justice David Souter announced his retirement from the Supreme Court this week after 18 years on the bench. The White House released this resignation letter on its website:

Dear Mr. President,

When the Supreme Court rises for the summer recess this year, I intend to retire from regular active service as a Justice, under the provisions of 28 US.C § 371(b)(1), having attained the age and met the service requirements of subsection(c) of that section. I mean to continue to render substantial judicial service as an Associate Justice.

Yours respectfully,

David Souter



But that is not the entire letter. In a rare instance of covering something up, the White House did not release the entire missive. Here, for the first time, is the complete text of Justice Souter's resignation letter:

Dear Mr. President,

When the Supreme Court rises for the summer recess this year, I intend to retire from regular active service as a Justice, under the provisions of 28 US.C § 371(b)(1), having attained the age and met the service requirements of subsection(c) of that section. I mean to continue to render substantial judicial service as an Associate Justice.

Yours respectfully,

David Souter

P.S. I cannot tell you how happy I am to be leaving the armpit of a "city" that is Washington, D.C. This backwater is so bereft of culture, one would assume that the Taliban were in control. I cannot decide which was the better performance during my tenure: John Ashcroft's warbling of his "Let the Eagle Soar" suite; or the Capitol Steps' latest review, for which they rewrote "The Phantom of the Opera" so that every fourth word is "Condoleezza." And forget about fine cuisine - the only decent eatery in the District is the Dunkin' Donuts at 8th and Constitution.

I am doubly happy to be leaving the Supreme Court of the United States. There hasn't been such a large collection of dicks in one room since the Peter North film festival at the Potomac Palace of Porn in Georgetown. I would not be surprised to find out that Anthony Kennedy last showered during the oral arguments for Kimel v. Florida Board of Regents. Clarence Thomas is so fucking clueless that when I quoted Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., in an opinion, he asked, "is that the fat dude from 'The Steve Harvey Show?'" As for Ruth Bader Ginsburg? Supreme Court Justice? More like Supreme Cunt Justice. And I'm pretty sure Steve Breyer likes little boys.

Good luck getting anyone with an I.Q. higher than a dead raccoon confirmed to my seat. Suck it. Souter out!

2 comments:

Joe Janes said...

Nice!

Nat Topping said...

This I like: "There hasn't been such a large collection of dicks in one room since the Peter North film festival at the Potomac Palace of Porn in Georgetown."

Topping out!