The RvD Stimulus

According to StimulusWatch.org, the following projects were included in the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009 to assist, or "stimulate," RvD - Chicago:

• $4.3 billion to study the numerous opportunities for turning "stimulus package" into a dick joke
• $200,000 to teach Geoff Crump's dog to say, "I eat pussy."
• $500,000 to teach Crump's dog to say, "By 'pussy,' I meant 'cat.' It was not intended to be filthy. I apologize if it was taken that way. May I make love to your leg?"
• $16 million for the Zed Memorial Garden
• $1 billion for "unspecified rashes"
• $145 for a leather bowling ball bag in which the head of Matt Millen will be delivered to Nat Topping
• $23 million for "writers' assistance," also referred to as "Canadian beer"
• $180,000 to study Chris Othic's ability to masturbate in a Snuggie
• $4 million to mount Greg Wendling's production of "Rogaine! A Musical Revue"
• $632,000 for that thing Catherine Monahan does with two bell peppers and a library card
• $3 billion to build a light rail line from Mike Bauman's place to The Bagel
  
• $3 billion to build a light rail line from Mike Bauman's place to the Chicago Brahaus
  
• $28 billion to build a light rail line from Mike Bauman's place to Legal Sea Foods
  
• $20 billion to build a light rail line from Mike Bauman's place to Duff's
• $15,000 for Mike Bauman's imminent coronary bypass

Don't blame me, I voted for Pat Paulson's corpse.