- $4.3 billion to study the numerous opportunities for turning "stimulus package" into a dick joke
- $200,000 to teach Geoff Crump's dog to say, "I eat pussy."
- $500,000 to teach Crump's dog to say, "By 'pussy,' I meant 'cat.' It was not intended to be filthy. I apologize if it was taken that way. May I make love to your leg?"
- $16 million for the Zed Memorial Garden
- $1 billion for "unspecified rashes"
- $145 for a leather bowling ball bag in which the head of Matt Millen will be delivered to Nat Topping
- $23 million for "writers' assistance," also referred to as "Canadian beer"
- $180,000 to study Chris Othic's ability to masturbate in a Snuggie
- $4 million to mount Greg Wendling's production of "Rogaine! A Musical Revue"
- $632,000 for that thing Catherine Monahan does with two bell peppers and a library card
- $3 billion to build a light rail line from Mike Bauman's place to The Bagel
- $3 billion to build a light rail line from Mike Bauman's place to the Chicago Brahaus
- $28 billion to build a light rail line from Mike Bauman's place to Legal Sea Foods
- $20 billion to build a light rail line from Mike Bauman's place to Duff's
- $15,000 for Mike Bauman's imminent coronary bypass
Saturday, February 28, 2009
The RvD Stimulus
According to StimulusWatch.org, the following projects were included in the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009 to assist, or "stimulate," RvD - Chicago: