Saturday, February 7, 2009

RvD-Chicago is Running!

In order to take on the role of White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel resigned his seat representing Illinois's fifth Congressional district. A special election to fill the office will be held on April 7, 2009. Today, Robot vs. Dinosaur - Chicago is proud to announce that we are running for Congress.

Many of you will ask, "What do you stand for?" I'll wait while you do.

Thank you for asking. Here is our issue summary:

Securing Our Borders
We know that making our Borders secure is a sure way to keep us all safe. We propose that a large dude with a unibrow and a weight problem stand outside our Borders and only allow those carrying a Borders Rewards Card to enter.

Reforming the Political Process
As citizens of Chicago, we were dismayed by the results of the last Aldermanic elections. Did you know that a candidate who was not related in any way to the previous Alderman was elected? That's outrageous! If elected, we will guarantee that all future Chicago Aldermen will be descendants of Nat Topping.

Protecting the Environment
We will recycle all of those Greenpeace assholes who ask us for money at the corner of Clark and Diversey. From now on, they will sell tickets to our the corner of Broadway and Diversey.

Stimulating the Economy
We will use our wangs. (Catherine will employ "the shocker.")

Foreign Policy
There are not enough Hungarians. We support forced breeding of the Hungarian people. Every Tuesday at 6pm in Visegrad. Get your programs! Can't tell the Hungarian copulators without a program!

Taking Care of Our Seniors
Chris Othic will take care of our seniors. Oh yeah.

The War on Lehrer
Have you seen The Newshour with Jim Lehrer on PBS? Completely unwatchable. We will send Jim Lehrer to Guantanamo and replace The Newshour with the Canadian version of Sesame Street. The blue jay that teaches you French is adorable.

Bailing Out the Banks
If Carlton gets pulled over while driving Will around in Uncle Phil's friend's car, we will bail him out.

Creating More Jobs

[insert fellatio joke here]

Embracing Diversity
[insert fellatio joke here]

Inserting Fellatio Jokes Here
[which is the funnier word: "fellatio" or "inserting?"]

Please vote for us on April 7. If you don't, our next show will be an hour of fuckboxes, magical cloud sing-a-longs, and 1950's television characters dealing with brain injuries.

Paid for by the Committee to Elect a Bunch of Untalented, Semi-Literate Comedians.


Chris Othic said...

You got my vote!

Catherine said...

My secret weapon revealed! I guess it's not a huge shock.