Now that A-Rod has admitted he used steroids, I think it’s time I come clean regarding my own dark secret of the past few years. I have been taking performance enhancing drugs myself, to help with my comedy writing.
When I came out of the Second City Training Center in 2004, I had been involved in a great Writing Level 5 show, and there was a lot of pressure to perform. Let me be clear that when I wrote “James Bond From Milwaukee,” I was clean. I wrote all of those James Bond/Milwaukee clashes of context and even came up with a Usinger Sausage reference without the help of PED’s. Everyone involved with “Please Stop Making Your Dogs Wear Hats” was also clean, as far as I know, and I don’t want to tarnish their reputations.
No, it was when I made it to the big show with Teatro Bastardo that I started juicing for bigger laughs, but I felt like I had no choice. I thought my “The Adventures of Fetus Jones” sketch was ready for the big time, but my abortion jokes just weren’t as good as “Star Trek Wedding.” When the group cut my “Ghosts of George Bush’s Past” sketch at the last minute, I was devastated. I realized my jokes per page ratio was below the league average, and I knew I just didn’t have it in me to drop more than a handful of big penis references into any given show. I knew I needed an edge.
So I started using PED’s, and they worked. When my blackout about Prince Charming date raping a sleeping Cinderella opened the 2006 Sketchfest, it felt amazing. And then I followed that with the 2007 Skybox show where I wrote a killer series of short blackouts about me having sex with various pieces of fruit. I’m telling you, “Chris Othic’s Boner Follies” killed, and I never could have done it without those PED’s. And my pop culture references per show led the league that year.
Of course, people started to talk when I wrote “Tourette’s Christmas Carolers.” Not only did I find a way to make some jokes about inappropriate swearing, facial tics and Baby Jesus, I also had the wisdom to make those caroling kids British. Without PED’s I probably would have only taken that scene as far as some adults cussing on Arbor Day while doing karaoke. No, the enhancers were working and the laughs were bigger than ever.
When RvD formed, the pressure was even stronger to be extremely funny, but with the PED’s flowing through my veins, I could match everybody dick joke for vagina reference. I was on fire. I’m just sorry that “Fairy Tale 911 Center” will forever be tainted by my use of enhancers. And I would like to think I would have come up with the out for Greatest Battle, “Can we rape the elephants?” without help, but we will never know.
Anyway, I’m clean now, as most of you may have noticed. My satire and parody numbers have suffered, and the bathroom jokes are up, which is a sure sign of someone coming off of the comic enhancers. But I swear I will make it back to respectable numbers. I promise that you will only have to read so many “Satan’s Plumber” monologues before I find my old mojo. Believe it or not, I wrote “A Douchebag Commits All Seven Deadly Sins At A Party In Less Than Three Minutes” completely clean. Granted, I might have been able to make that into a musical number if I was still on the sauce, and the scene itself was pedestrian at best, but the title was promising. I’m sure if I just do things the honest way, with hard work and a lot of rewrites, I can even take a scene like “Robot versus Penis” and turn it into an All-Star sketch.