The Most Important Election of Our Generation

"Get ye to the polls or I'll punch you in your fucking face."

-George Washington

Tuesday marks a turning point in America's history. There will be two separate pasts: all that happened before Tuesday and all that occurred after. Nothing will be the same. Tuesday, February 2, 2010, is the day that Democrats in Cook County nominate their three candidates for Commissioner of the Metropolitan Water Reclamation District Board. These three brave, patriotic Americans will go on to face the Republican and Green Party candidates in the November general election.

The Metropolitan Water Reclamation District, according to the Chicago Tribune, "processes sewage and also collects stormwater runoff that can carry dangerous pollutants." This is power the like of which Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar, or Pat Robertson could never begin to fathom.

The voter must be informed before entering the polling place. Here are the candidates pursuing this greatest of honors. Choose wisely. Live free or die. Gimme back that filet o'fish.

Mariyana Spyropoulos unsuccessfully ran for a seat in 2008, but in 2009 was appointed to fill a vacancy. She's a lawyer with an MBA and a good reputation in conservation circles, in part because of her hands-on experience as a restoration worker in county forest preserves. Spyropoulos supports a controversial proposal to disinfect treated sewage that the district releases into public waterways.


Todd Connor is a Chicago management consultant with a master's degree in business from the University of Chicago. He served in the Navy from 2000 to 2004. He wants the contract awards process to be more transparent. He also supports disinfecting the waterways.



Barbara McGowan of Chicago is an incumbent, who has a high school diploma and some college education. She would advocate for hiring minority, women and small-business contractors and wants the district's affirmative action program to be a state model.



Kevin Costner wants to turn the Metropolitan Water Reclamation District into a big-budget action film. Costner is willing to spend up to $175,000,000 of the taxpayers' money on this project. Tom Green is on board to direct.






Poseidon is the Greek god of the sea. He sent a sea monster to attack Troy, flooded the Attic Plain, and raped Caeneus. Poseidon is endorsed by former Governor Rod Blagojevich.






Michael Phelps likes marijuana. Boy, does he like it. If given the choice between marijuana and no marijuana, he would choose marijuana, preferably for smoking. When not swimming in water, Phelps uses water for growing marijuana. He has been endorsed by the Chicago Sun-Times.





The Asian Carp doesn't give a shit about your stupid election. The Asian Carp has already won.