Friday, January 15, 2010

Happy Birthday, Lora!

Today is my wife's birthday. And since she's in Cuba without phone or web access, I have nobody to whom I can pore out my affections and birthday wishes. Therefore, you, web-readers, are all invited to this Lora-free online birthday for the absentee in the following fantastical birthday adventure.

...

Hey, Lora, Surprise! It's your birthday! Look around you. I invited these web viewers to your online birthday blog party! All the RvD'ers are here. Now you can call Nat "that bastard" right to his face! It's your birthday, so he can't even get mad.

Look who else is here. There's a guy from Orlando who was searching for pictures of Zac Efron. That lady in the corner is from Virginia and that guy over there is from Florida. They came cause they heard we were going to have pictures of John Adams here. Oops, they left. Guess they weren't planning on staying longer than zero seconds. And those 8 women over there are here from the HERS foundation to make sure this party stays polite.

So let's open presents. I told everyone not to bring any gifts, but of course they all did. Which one do you want to open first? Save the big one for last. That one's from Bauman. He couldn't make it, but he made Geoff bring you his present anyway. Okay, you're going to go with the one in the envelope. That's from Joe. Go ahead, open it. Oh look! He wrote you a special...

BS News Quiz! It reads...

"A 4-year-old boy in an Italian city called the police to report what?"

a. That his uncle wouldn't let him play GTA IV on his (the 4-year-old's) Xbox.

b. That his pre-school teacher made him ride in the "learning-mobile".

c. That he was too old for pacifiers, and to please come confiscate them.

d. That he "made-a a poo-poo in mia biancheria intima!" (pooped his pants)

Joe wants to do a quick poll. Let's just wait a second while he tallies. All done, Joe? Great. He goes on to say...

40% said "GTA IV". Nope, although good guess. He's obviously got a grasp for Roman numerals and he thought it was a game for IV-year-olds.

Nobody said "learning mobile." Good for you. You clearly paid to see RvD's latest show and knew this was a Gruber reference.

40% said "poo-poo in his biancheria intima!" That's a spicy meat-a-ball-a! But no.

20% got it right with "pacifiers".
Police in an Italian city said a 4-year-old boy who considered himself too old for his pacifiers called authorities to surrender the baby toys. ... Police said two officers visited the boy's birthday party and traded him a souvenir hat in exchange for his four old pacifiers.
Sounds like a warm and fuzzy story, but something is lost in translation. "Pacifiers" is Italian for "tasers," and souvenir hat is Italian for "cocaine."

Thanks, Joe. That was your funniest BS News Quiz in almost a year.

Which box are you opening next? The one that's kind of heavy and makes an interesting "clinking" sound when you shake it? That's from Geoff. Go ahead and open-- Ahh! Are you OK?! Can somebody get Lora a bandage here! Gee, Geoff, you really shouldn't have. Did you make this broken glass fresh from scratch just this morning? It's nice and sharp instead of fine and powdery like the stuff in the Science Crate that I breathed into my lungs earlier this evening. (It feels like a fiberglass-laced cigarette--lung scratches are nice and tingly.) This is top notch stuff.

Which one's next? The dripping wet one? I think that one's from Nat. Look he's waving at you. That's him in the swimsuit. No need to unwrap it, just kind of schluff the wet paper off of box. Oh. It's a box full of water. He's saying it's the world's smallest swimming pool. Is that where you've been swimming? You say something may have slipped out of your diaper? Thanks for the heads-up, cap'n.

Chris's is in that glittery gift bag full of beautiful, delicate tissue papers counter-draped with Victorian lace and silk work. Look! He's giving you one of his copies of "The Best of Enya" CD/DVD. He buys these in bulk from some guy in Wales. Gets a good deal. Avert your eyes, he's going to try to give you a high-five.

Alright, go ahead and open Mike's gift. I wonder what it could be! Oh look! It's a life-sized, animatronic version of himself doing a scene he wrote about Harriet Tubman's hysterectomy, written as a tribute for MLK's birthday (also today). I've read this scene, and trust me, it ain't no tribute. ... Uh-oh, step back, the HERS section is storming the stage. Looks like they're removing the robot's... battery pack. Wow, who knew that Mike runs on a single AAA battery? Oop, I see Melissa nodding vigorously in the back.

Sorry your birthday party turned out to be so poorly-written. Oh well, I love you. Come on, let's dance, baby.

5 comments:

Joe Janes said...

Great party. Even though I got my own quiz wrong. Why has your wife fled to Cuba?

Chris Othic said...

Happy Birthday Lora! Best party I've been to in a long time. I hope your birthday is Orinoco Flowing.

And yes, HIGH FIVE!

GW said...

Lora tells me she's in Cuba to learn about their organic farming (did you know 90% of their agriculture is organic?) but I suspect it actually has something to do with the mop-guy in the Pink Glove video. Chris, if you're going to high-five my wife, please wear a pink glove.

Nat Topping said...

As a child born out of wedlock, I am proud to carry the nickname of "that bastard." I am also glad that Lora is willing to celebrate my past. Happy birthday, Lora, and enjoy the world's smallest swimming pool! I ordered it special from Andora!

Crump said...

I was inspired by the old SNL Irwin Mainway sketch. "I mean, we sell a lot of products in the "Bag O'" line.. like Bag O' Glass, Bag O' Nails, Bag O' Bugs, Bag O' Vipers, Bag O' Sulfuric Acid."