New Decade Resolutions. We Can Do This, People!

Now that it’s “A Whole New Decade!!” I like to use this arbitrary milestone marking the passage of time as an excuse to do those things that I’ve been putting off doing for so long. You know: stuff like learning a new foreign language or losing weight or trying not to be such a dick to the people who love me.

The usual stuff.

I feel that as a whole society it would be a good idea to isolate those ills which make life generally speaking suck and attempt to correct them. For the betterment of society (read: myself), naturally.

To that end, I would like to offer the following New Decade Resolutions. Please pass these along, add extras to the comment section, whatever you like.

RESOLUTION #1: ENFORCE PARALLEL PARKING REQUIREMENTS FOR DRIVERS LICENSES

I know that technically speaking people are supposed to be able to parallel park before they are allowed to get a license – I think it’s still part of the test, right? – but I know so many people who just kind of glossed over that part of the deal. Some assholes figure that the majority of the time when you park you’re pulling forward into a spot, especially if you live or are learning to drive in the suburbs, so it’s probably not necessary to know how to parallel park and be courteous about it.

Not true, assholes. Especially in the city, where everything is cramped and you are required to parallel park in order to fit everyone’s car. The result is that you have a bunch of people trying to leave three feet in front and behind then. Which, when you have a bunch of people trying to do the same thing, adds up quickly to several cars that could be parking on that street but can’t because you, asshole driver, aren’t able to properly handle your car.

RESOLUTION #2: STOP TALKING IN THE MOVIE THEATRE DURING THE MOVIE

Did people stop teaching their kids to shut the hell up during the movies? When did this happen? It seems like every time I go to see a movie anymore, there’s some fucker making snide comments to the fuckers they’re with. And it irritates the shit out of me. Particularly in a world where you can do the whole Direct TV thing and watch movies from the comfort of your own home and talk all you want. Do that, assholes. Otherwise, you’re paying $10 per person to sit in a dark room and irritate a bunch of strangers. And that’s just lame.

RESOLUTION #3: STOP THIS NONSENSE BEFORE IT EVEN STARTS

Follow the link and you will find that there are now support threads on Avatar forums – meaning forums devoted to the discussion of the mega blockbuster movie of the century Avatar – meant to console people who are overcome with depression.

“Depression?” you ask, “What the hell are you talking about? It was a good movie.”

That’s not the problem. The problem is that Avatar was so pretty that people don’t want to live in the real world. Quoth some dude at the forum: “When I woke up this morning after watching Avatar for the first time yesterday, the world seemed ... gray. It was like my whole life, everything I've done and worked for, lost its meaning…. It just seems so ... meaningless. I still don't really see any reason to keep ... doing things at all. I live in a dying world.”

Now I'm getting depressed. I'm depressed that there are people in the world who will seriously get depressed because a fantasy world is more fantastical than their everyday world. And that their response to this depression is not to just get over it and go for a lovely walk, but to sit in their mopey computer chairs on their mopey computers, writing mopey posts on mopey chat forums devoted to mopey mopery. Mope.

I know that we live in a world where everyone has to respect everyone else’s feelings and everyone’s opinion is important and what not. But sometimes you just need someone to look you sternly in the eyes and shout STOP IT.

STOP IT!

And this is coming from a guy who loves nothing more than to get dressed up, stand in a three walled room and play Make-Believe. Go take a walk or something.