Saturday, July 25, 2009


The world of sports is going nuts over Mark Buehrle's "perfect" game. On Thursday, Buehrle retired all 27 Tampa Bay batters he faced to give the White Sox a 5-0 win over the defending American League champions. Sure, no Rays were allowed on the bases, but what was so motherhumpin' perfect about? I contend that the game was quite imperfect!

Firstly, the weather. According to the National Weather Service, the 30 year average high temperature for July 23 is 84 degrees Fahrenheit (6 million degrees Celsius). Thursday's maximum temperature reading at O'Hare International Airport was 82 degrees Fahrenheit (3.141 degrees Celsius). Hardly perfect.

Next, the U.S. Cellular Field Grounds Crew. Unlike Dewayne Wise, the grounds crew really dropped the ball. Major League Baseball requires that the outfield grass be "yea high." Unfortunately, the Cell's outfield grass was "so high." Not perfect.

Hawk Harrelson has been the television voice of the White Sox since 1990. His signature strike-out call is "He gone!" Thursday did not find Harrelson at his top form. By the fourth inning, "He gone" was sounding very much like "He gun." More disturbingly, by the top of the eighth, the call had devolved to "Steve Guttenberg enjoys Chianti!" Nolo perfecto.

Ozzie Guillen can't speak English for shit. Nyet perfectski.

After the game, President Barack Obama, a huge White Sox fan, called the clubhouse to congratulate Buehrle. Obama's favorable rating is, according to, 57.9%. That's like 42.1% less than perfect. And, based upon research conducted by Sean Hannity, President Obama is a satanic merman voiced by the late Mel Blanc. A perfect president would be voiced by Hank Azaria.

Enough of this "perfect" game nonsense. If you want sports perfection, watch Alan Thicke play celebrity hockey.

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