This is cross-posted at my blog, Clever Title.
You would think this doesn’t need to be said, but I’ll say it anyway: if you’re going to make a sign that says “honk if you like…,” and then someone honks, you are not allowed to be pissed at them for honking.
The other day, I was on the road when a couple of vans pulled out of a church parking lot carrying a group of kids, the type of vans that you rent from Enterprise or whatever. And there was stuff written on the van written in that car paint that washes off, you know what I’m talking about. Anyway, things like “Jeff, Sarah, Tobey and Mathias are the best!” and “Best trip ever!” and shit like that. “Save yourself for marriage.” I don’t know.
And one of those things said “Honk if you like Jesus.”
I’m flying by them in the left hand lane and I see these vans pull out and one of them says “Honk if you like Jesus.” And I’m in a honking mood already – some days you wake up and you say to yourself ‘boy I could really use a good honk this morning’ – just riding along looking for an excuse to honk and I see this sign that says “Honk if you like Jesus.”
So I think to myself, “Well, I certainly don’t dislike Jesus, that’s for sure. Do I like Jesus enough to honk my horn? Yes I do.” And so, I complied with the church van’s request and honked my horn.
And as I pull up next to the church van, the driver is glaring out his window at me and mouthing what I imagine to be strong words of rebuff and discouragement. Not strong enough to be like “fuck you cocksucker” or anything like that because we’re talking about church dads here but still it was pretty obvious what he wanted to say.
And I say to myself, “Dude, you’re the one that asked me to honk here. You’re the one who said honk if I like Jesus. I’d think you’d be happy. I expect to be rewarded with a thumbs up or something and instead I get to see Reverend Douchie McBaggerson doing facial contortions?”
The only thing I could think was maybe it was a trap. Maybe they wanted me to honk if I like Jesus so that they can identify me as a Jesus liker, at which point they can scowl at me because they actually hate Jesus and they woke up looking to scowl. Which would be weird what with them coming from a church parking lot. But who knows?
So to conclude, please don’t shout at people for following your good natured instructions. Unless you’re a douche bag. In which case, you suck.