Monday, July 20, 2009


Ah the 60’s – possibly one of the most tumultuous times in the history of our great nation. During that decade, important figures were assassinated left and right, various non-white, non-straight-male type peoples were demanding things like “rights” and “equality,” a lot of kids were getting shot at in the middle of a jungle and still more kids were at home smoking the doobs, tripping balls and sitting around in front of important buildings. Meanwhile, the old bastards who fought World War II were wondering what everyone was complaining about.

And during that time of great public angst, our fine nation’s government needed to take action. They needed to do something that would make everyone forget the fact that the nation was tearing apart at the seams and draw them together again into a warm, fuzzy cocoon of common achievement and distraction.

That’s why on July 20th, 1969, exactly forty years ago today, our government took an unprecedented step. They took three young astronauts, transported them to a sound stage in the middle of the Nevada desert, and faked a moon landing.

And thus began an American tradition: the tradition of faking large public events on a sound stage at Area 51 as a means of distracting people from the turmoil around them.

Today is an unofficial holiday of sorts. It’s a day to sit back and give thanks to our government for such government fabricated national distractions as:

The Granada Invasion
The Gulf War (the “good one” from the early 90’s)
The Monica Lewinsky Scandal
Hugo Chavez
‘N Sync
The 2004 and 2007 World Series Champion Red Sox
The Last 4 Years of George W Bush’s Presidency
Duran Duran
Sarah Palin
Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
The Fall of the Berlin Wall (FAAAKE!)
The 70’s (the entire decade)
The Food Network
All These Freaking Vampire Movies Coming Out All of a Sudden

God bless you all, and God bless bread and circuses!

1 comment:

Mademoiselle Nessa said...

Why would you joke about faking The Food Network?? I'm disgusted.