Tuesday, July 28, 2009

For Those Who Like to Gambole

I did it! Eureeeeeeeeka!

I gently take you back to Saturday, July 25, 2009. Another typical day. People plodded around, enjoying the sun, basking in the minor glory of their somewhat boring lives, spending their precious time on this great ball like a kid tossing pennies on the counter at a candy store.

But not I! NO! I was doing something special. I was doing something that, for lack of a better word, can only be described as GENIUS! Yes, a GENIUS so immense it cannot even be contained by lower-case letters.

For you see, I spent Saturday, July 25, 2009 (heretofore known as the “Greatest Day Of My Life”) at Arlington Race Course, winning on the horse races.

Notice I said “winning” and not “betting,” because, as you will discover, I have discovered THE SYSTEM™ for beating the races! I call it the FOUR-PLAY SYSTEM™. Not to be mistaken for the Foreplay System®, my previously failed attempt at scientifically locating the female G-Spot through the use of algebra, the plotting of the movement of Earth’s magnetic poles, and Strawberry flavored lotions.

But I digress.

Yes, the FOUR-PLAY SYSTEM™is unbeatable. In layman’s terms, it works like this: At each race you bet on the horse numbered 4. Simple. GENIUS! I am a SIMPLE GENIUS!

You may scoff and say, “What if the horse numbered 4 fails to win a race?” And I would look derisively down my nose at you. Because that is IMPOSSIBLE!

Of course, the horse numbered 4 may fail to win any races that day, but in the lifetime of a horse racing track, the odds of the horse numbered 4 never winning a race are 765 kajillion to one to the tenth power. I have done the math.

"Why the 4?" you say? Well, I shall tell you. Because it is scientifically proven to be my “lucky” number. Through a complex formula I learned while in the third grade, which involves the letters in my full name, the year I was born, how many times I desire to procreate and who my secret crush was, 4 was determined to be my “lucky” number.

Of course, your lucky number may be different than mine, as the odds that your secret crush in the third grade was the same as mine (Valerie Adams, I still long for you) are quite long. I am, however, willing to send you this complex formula to determine your own lucky number for a paltry $19.99, plus $5.95 shipping and handling charges. But you must act now as I will not be sharing this with too many people as it will dilute the winning margins for those of us “in the know.”

“Well,” you may ask, “what if my lucky number is 3? You say your lucky number is 4? How can we both win?” To that I say, “Because FOUR-PLAY SYSTEM™ is foolproof!” For you see, the odds of the horse numbered 4 never winning a race are 765 kajillion to one to the tenth power, the EXACT SAME ODDS as the horse numbered 3! I have done the math.

Now, as you get into the higher numbers, the odds drop dramatically. For instance, the odds of the horse numbered 78 never winning a race are 765 quabajillion to one to the tenth power times infinity, for most races never feature a horse with this number. So if there is a weakness in FOUR-PLAY SYSTEM™, it only occurs if your lucky number is above, say, 21, but the only individuals who usually have such high lucky numbers are of Chinese descent or have a secret crush on someone with a Czechoslovakia surname. If that is the case for you I recommend that you stick with the inferior “Mom’s Birthday Number Picking System” when gambling on horse races.

And now, back to Saturday, the previously mentioned Greatest Day Of My Life. For each race I simply bet $2 on the horse numbered 4 to win. This is easily done. You may do it all at once to save yourself from traipsing back and forth to the betting windows, or you may, as is my wont, place your bet between each race, enjoying the opportunity to stretch your legs, and basking in the anticipation of knowing that you ARE DESTINED TO WIN!

The start to my day was rather pedestrian, as the horse numberd 4 not win the first two races, but then the lightening of destiny struck, and the horse numbered 4 bested the field, for a grand win of $2.80. The horse numbered 4 then failed win any more races after that, and I started to question the system, but as the day drew to a close I learned (as will you) that the lightening of destiny STRIKES IN THE SAME PLACE TWICE! Even THREE times!

When the smoke cleared, and the horse numbered 4 had trotted home victoriously in the 9th and 10th races of the day, I reached into my pockets, pulled out what in money terms can only be described as a wad, and counted my money. It seems I had gamboled $20 ($2 bet on each race, of which there were ten races, I have done the math) but I won back $23! Yes, a $3 PROFIT!

“But that’s only $3,” you say, and rightly so. But that is the GENIUS of FOUR-PLAY SYSTEM™! For if you simply, double or triple or quabajillion your bet, then you will win twice, or three times, or quabajillion times more money!

For example:

$2 Bet on 10 Races = $20 Gamboled = $23 Wins = $3 Profit

But

$4 Bet on 10 Races = $40 Gamboled = $46 Wins = $6 Profit

And

$6 Bet on 10 Races = $60 Gamboled = $69 Wins = $9 Profit

Therefore

$2,000,000,000,000,000,000 Bet on 10 Races = $20,000,000,000,000,000,000 Gamboled = $23,000,000,000,000,000,000 Wins = $3,000,000,000,000,000,000 Profit

So if you bet in the quabajillions, you will win in the quabajillions! GENIUS!

That may not seem like much to you, but broken down into mugs of mead (at approx. $5 each) that equals 600,000,000,000,000,000 mugs of mead.

Therefore, with my $3 profit secured, I won enough money on Saturday past to purchase approximately 3/5 of a cup of mead. DELICIOUS! Next time I shall simply bet in the quabajillions, if I can secure a stake near that sum.

Now, if you don’t mind, I must locate my secret crush and inform her that I am going to share 50% of my profits with her ($1.50 or approx. 3/10 of a cup of mead, I have done the math, her preference).


No matter the odds, this is the horse you will bet on when using the FOUR-PLAY SYSTEM™.

1 comment:

Nat Topping said...

Once again, proof positive that gamboling is more science than luck.

And for those who scoff at winning $3, realize that we're talking about $3 a day. So, if you go to the track and win $3 a day and you go every day of the year for 80 years, you will make $87,600 over the course of your entire 80 year life.

WHO DOESN'T WANT $87,600, BITCHES?!?!