The Most Important Election of Our Generation

"Get ye to the polls or I'll punch you in your fucking face."

-George Washington

Tuesday marks a turning point in America's history. There will be two separate pasts: all that happened before Tuesday and all that occurred after. Nothing will be the same. Tuesday, February 2, 2010, is the day that Democrats in Cook County nominate their three candidates for Commissioner of the Metropolitan Water Reclamation District Board. These three brave, patriotic Americans will go on to face the Republican and Green Party candidates in the November general election.

The Metropolitan Water Reclamation District, according to the Chicago Tribune, "processes sewage and also collects stormwater runoff that can carry dangerous pollutants." This is power the like of which Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar, or Pat Robertson could never begin to fathom.

The voter must be informed before entering the polling place. Here are the candidates pursuing this greatest of honors. Choose wisely. Live free or die. Gimme back that filet o'fish.

Mariyana Spyropoulos unsuccessfully ran for a seat in 2008, but in 2009 was appointed to fill a vacancy. She's a lawyer with an MBA and a good reputation in conservation circles, in part because of her hands-on experience as a restoration worker in county forest preserves. Spyropoulos supports a controversial proposal to disinfect treated sewage that the district releases into public waterways.


Todd Connor is a Chicago management consultant with a master's degree in business from the University of Chicago. He served in the Navy from 2000 to 2004. He wants the contract awards process to be more transparent. He also supports disinfecting the waterways.



Barbara McGowan of Chicago is an incumbent, who has a high school diploma and some college education. She would advocate for hiring minority, women and small-business contractors and wants the district's affirmative action program to be a state model.



Kevin Costner wants to turn the Metropolitan Water Reclamation District into a big-budget action film. Costner is willing to spend up to $175,000,000 of the taxpayers' money on this project. Tom Green is on board to direct.






Poseidon is the Greek god of the sea. He sent a sea monster to attack Troy, flooded the Attic Plain, and raped Caeneus. Poseidon is endorsed by former Governor Rod Blagojevich.






Michael Phelps likes marijuana. Boy, does he like it. If given the choice between marijuana and no marijuana, he would choose marijuana, preferably for smoking. When not swimming in water, Phelps uses water for growing marijuana. He has been endorsed by the Chicago Sun-Times.





The Asian Carp doesn't give a shit about your stupid election. The Asian Carp has already won.

My wife's birthday!

Today is my wife Erin's birthday. Unlike another RvD writer/blogger from a short time ago my wife is here in Chicago and I will be spending the day with her. So this blog ends here.

The Boy Who Couldn't Cry

I can’t cry.

It’s a strange phenomenon.

It’s not like I think I am some super tough man’s man, or some emotionless robot who can’t show any emotion—I often jump up and down and shout “Hooray!” when I’m happy or I will pout when I drop my bread butter-side down or if I make a bad order in a restaurant. But when it comes to crying, I just can’t seem to muster up the tears.

I thought it might be a physical thing, but my tear ducts work fine. When it’s really cold out, my eyes water to the point that when I show up to work during the winter people will ask me, “Why are you crying?” And I say “Because it’s Monday.” I do this mainly because I’m too ashamed to tell them that I really can’t cry and I also don’t want to have that discussion on our 30-second elevator ride.

Thinking back, I can distinctly remember two times that I cried, and both times my brother made fun of me (and I can see you internet psychologists nodding your heads). They were both in 1983 when I was 14 years old, and, well, here were probably two of the saddest moments in my life:

• The end of “Who Will Love My Children?”—a TV Movie where the mother (Ann Margaret) is dying and the family is poor and she gives all of their kids away.
  
• The Last MASH, particularly the moment when Hawkeye flies off in the chopper and when he tops the hill and BJ has put out the rocks that spell out “Goodbye”

Wow, I could barely type that last bit.

So yes, early 1980’s television makes me very emotional. I remember watching the end of “Who Will Love My Children?” and I started bawling my eyes out. I was trying to hide it from everyone in the room but my brother saw me and derisively asked “Are you crying?” Well, he had been playing with a spaceship or making ambulance noises or something and not even watching the movie and he had no idea what those poor kids had been through and what they had to face in the uncertain future and their Pa couldn’t raise them and there were ten of them and they were being split up because no one person could be expected to take all ten kids and so they might never see each other again and what if that happened to you wouldn’t that also make you cry wouldn’t it it would and also not to mention that fact that Ann Margaret was dying of cancer!

So all of these thoughts were rushing through my head and I just started crying harder and my only course of action was to run to out of the room like Ann Margaret's middle daughter did when they told her she was going to live with the neighbors.

A few months later I was watching The Last MASH and when I saw that sign that BJ had made out of rocks (“I’m not going to say Goodbye” he kept telling Hawkeye, “I’m not going to say Goodbye”) I could feel the tears welling up and when that music kicked in for the final time (“Suicide is dangerous, it brings on many changes”) I was a blubbery mess. I tried to sneak off to my room, to cry alone, but my brother was on to me and he followed me and then proceeded to make fun of me for crying--again.

So after that, I think my body just gave up on crying because of the embarrassment factor. I had one relapse when my grandfather died, but as I remember it I wasn’t really sad myself, I just saw that everyone else was crying and it seemed like the thing to do at the time.

So maybe I am an emotionless robot.

Ever since then, when I get sad, something really strange happens. I can feel the lump in my throat and I realize I’m getting sad, and then maybe a welling in my eyes will happen. But about that time I will start to realize “Oh my god! I’m actually going to cry!” and start to believe that I might possibly be human and that will make me excited and then the excitement makes me happy and the sadness goes away and then I don’t cry again and I feel a little depressed. Shit.

This maddening chain of events has happened near the end of Slingblade (The book on Christmas with the "You will be happy" bookmark), when Dr. Mark Green died on E.R. (The Iz's "Somewhere over the Rainbow"), and most recently during an episode of Oprah (which I am not going to tell you about).

To Whatever Asshole Invented Viruses That Appear to Be Anti-Virus Software:

To Whatever Asshole Invented Viruses That Appear to Be Anti-Virus Software:

Dear Asshole,

Is it wrong to actively pray for a complete stranger’s untimely and horrifyingly painful death? Is it wrong to ask the dear Lord, God of peace and love, to create an extra circle of hell to punish someone I’ve never met but through their dastardly life’s work with extreme and torturous activities to last through all of eternity? Is it wrong? I don’t know. I know that it’s wrong to make something appear like it wants to help you when in reality it wants to fuck up your computer.

I hope you are never able to sleep at night.

I hope if you ever have children that they grow up to be incredibly ugly and stupid.

I hope if you already have children that they were born with hooves, or will grow them once they hit puberty.

Do you think your parents, sitting together on a sofa, craddling an infant version of your foulness in their loving arms - with your whole rancidly putrid life ahead of you - ever dreamed that one day you would grow up and be not a doctor nor a lawyer but a jagoff parasitic fuckwit? Do you think they are proud of you now?

Die, asshole. Die a horrible death. And then, die again.

Sincerely yours,

-Nat Topping

P.S.: Fuck you.

Live Blogging the AFC Championship Game

Hooray for sports! Today, I shall live blog the AFC Championship Game between the Indianapolis football players and the New York football players.


3:20 pm - I just turned on the game. The Jets' coach is quite obese.

3:21 pm - The Jets' football kicker just made a successful football kick. The score is now 17-6 in favor of the green guys.

3:23 pm - If this was a soccer match, Indianapolis would have to score 12 times to win.

3:25 pm - God bless you, Michael Phelps, but I would not swim through a sidewalk to get a Subway sandwich. Maybe for Long John Silvers.

3:28 pm - If you threw a ball like that in a hospital, you would be arrested. 17-13 in favor of New Jersey.

3:31 pm - I fear that I have eaten too much hummus.

3:32 pm - Halftime. Colts coach Jim Caldwell is talking to CBS sideline reporter Steve Tasker. Mr. Caldwell, if you want to succeed in the Super Bowl, don't stand so close to a Buffalo Bill.

3:40 pm - Holy shit! My landlord is sawing a hole in the basement door. I wonder if Peyton Manning could throw a football through the hole. Perhaps that is why my landlord is hacking the door to pieces.

3:42 pm - Was that a finger that just flew by?

3:50 pm - "The long ball" sounds like a painful disease.

3:53 pm - The Jets miss a 52-yard field goal. You know what Leprechauns like? A 52-yard "feel gold." I have a million of them.

3:53 pm - A million jokes, not Leprechauns. Don't assume that I have any organizational powers over Leprechauns just because of my Irish heritage.

3:59 pm - Things you hear in both football and porn: "He's going for the big one. It's over his head."

4:01 pm - An extra point by 87-year old Matt Stover makes it 20-17 in favor of the ones from the land of corn.

4:02 pm - Time to get the laundry. The NFL has assured me that no important plays will be made whilst I sort my wife's socks.

4:13 pm - More footbally things.

4:14 pm - The wife wants the computer, so I'll assume a final score of 83-40 in favor of the Catholics.

The Jersey Bore

I do a fair amount of improvised comedy around Chicago. Being a responsible improviser means keeping up with pop culture junk. Today I saw MTV was running a Jersey Shore marathon. I have been avoiding this show as I do with most reality bull shit put these moronic insects in a jar and then shake it style shows. I turned on the marathon. It was fairly early in what I think was the the first episode. I had tried to watch this show a few weeks ago and only made it about 15 minutes in before I shut it off in disgust. Today I was surprised to find that my disgust melted away rather quickly. In it's place rushed a bath of boredom. People have been going nuts for this show, and I don't know why. Even in the realm of watching idiots do idiotic things on TV this was pretty bargain basement crud. Really, really boring. I left the show on while I cleaned my living room and it remained boring. I saw almost 4 hours worth, all boring as hell. Maybe I wasn't really putting enough effort into watching, or maybe people bickering over pointless issues doesn't entertain me (although when the Smothers Brothers do it... pure gold). The show was dull, and I will not spend any more time writing about it.

Challenge Accepted: A Dick Joke A Day For A Week

After a lot of thought, and some inspiration from Joe Janes, I have decided to embark on an epic journey of my own. I have decided to post one dick joke a day for an entire week at my new blog: A Dick Joke A Day For A Week

So you can click the link to read about it over there, or just read below because I have used copy and paste technology to let you read it over here. But if you want to leave a comment, please do so over at A Dick Joke A Day For A Week.

Here’s how it will work.

1) I will post the first draft of one dick every night before going to bed. A dick joke is any joke you can make about your own or someone else’s dick, how they use it or don’t use it, the size of it, including length and girth or lack thereof. This includes “My dick is so big” jokes, “My dick is so small” jokes, boner jokes, flacid humor, and generally any joke with the word “dick” in it.

2) Six night of the week will be original dick jokes generated specifically for this project. On Sunday night, I will post a revised dick joke that was previously written but has never been produced on stage. I actually have a lot of those, but for this project I will only need to use the one dick joke I wrote back in 1998.

3) I will also include my thoughts on the dick joke, how it was developed and internal and external updates on the project itself as the spirit moves me or in response to feedback and questions. This is the teacher in me. I want this to be a beneficial experience for other writers of dick jokes.

4) All material is copyrighted by me and may not be used in any form or media without express written permission by me or the baseball commission. Actually, forget it, my dick jokes are yours for the taking.

5) Feedback on material in the comment section is invited and encouraged. You may also offer up challenges/suggestions on what kinds of dick jokes you would like to see me try to write.

6) These are to be considered first drafts. Works in progress. I am free to rewrite any or all dick jokes.

So that’s it. Here is Dick Joke One of Seven:

“My dick is so small that I got a tattoo of a ruler on the side of it and it only went to 18 inches. Wait, that’s a ‘my dick is so big joke!”

My thoughts:

Okay, I liked this first one. It seems like it’s kind of funny, what with the image of a ruler being tattooed on a penis and how painful that would be and stuff. I basically sat down with a blank slate, and as you might have noticed I got a little confused because I thought I was writing a “My dick is so small” joke but in the end it was a “my dick is so big joke.” But I decided to just keep it that way because I liked that it had a twist ending, just like my dick.

Wow, only six more to go! See you tomorrow at A Dick Joke A Day For A Week!

Gruber Reviews from Sketchfest

We had some unsolicited reviewers show up for Mrs Gruber's Ding Dong School at sketchfest, which is great because normally if you want reviewers to come to a sketch comedy show you have to track them down and beg them. Hooray for you, Sketchfest.

Here they are for posterity purposes:

"Meanwhile, Robot vs. Dinosaur’s full-length show, Mrs. Gruber’s Ding Dong School (which debuted last year), offered a twisted take on children’s programming (think Romper Room from hell). Using puppets, arts and crafts and events like story time to tell some pretty sick tales, the show was at its best when poking sly fun at the unrealistic crap we teach children. In one scene, the Reality Fairy sings, “While there’s unlimited dreams just for you, there’s limited money to make them come true.” And in another, a couple of sprightly puppets struggle to understand a guy dying of bone cancer (even going so far as to eat out of his bedpan). But a couple of sketches were clunkers. I didn’t care for the wife-hating Professor Smart (too hammy), or an oddball sketch about a homeless man, but the show finale, in which Mrs. Gruber is revealed to be a fraud, was a gut-buster."

-Jason Heidemann at Time Out Chicago, 1/12/2010

"Robot Vs. Dinosaur – The name gets an A; Saturday’s set, a B. The abridged version of its Gorilla Tango show, Mrs. Gruber’s Ding Dong School, starred Rebecca Levine as a kindergarten teacher bestowing bitter life lessons to a group of children. Except this class isn’t really a class at all, but something far more disturbing. Attempts at shock humor tends to be more shock than humor, but RvD manages to be both. From a pessimistic song about the futility of dreams to a courtroom re-enactment doll’s traumatic, sex-and-drugs filled confessional, this is some dark, twisted stuff – and I mean that in the best possible way. Grade: B."

-Piet Levy at True/Slant, 1/13/2010

"The evening started out with Robot vs. Dinosaur performing their current show, "Mrs. Gruber's Ding Dong School." The old schoolmarm holds things together as she takes the cast and their visiting classmates through a memorable trip through the magical world of learning. All of the children's TV notes are hit just right, with the group skewering traditional themes of sharing, field trips, and Career Day...and a disturbing Career Day at that. It's clear that the cast gels well together, carrying their individual characters well while also picking up new roles for the various scenes. In all, its a show that seemed entirely too short to us, as there was plenty of school age material to mine. Robot vs. Dinosaur worked the room extremely well, and while the show had to end eventually, it ended on a pitch perfect note."

-I See What You Did, 1/10/2010

Happy Birthday, Lora!

Today is my wife's birthday. And since she's in Cuba without phone or web access, I have nobody to whom I can pore out my affections and birthday wishes. Therefore, you, web-readers, are all invited to this Lora-free online birthday for the absentee in the following fantastical birthday adventure.

...

Hey, Lora, Surprise! It's your birthday! Look around you. I invited these web viewers to your online birthday blog party! All the RvD'ers are here. Now you can call Nat "that bastard" right to his face! It's your birthday, so he can't even get mad.

Look who else is here. There's a guy from Orlando who was searching for pictures of Zac Efron. That lady in the corner is from Virginia and that guy over there is from Florida. They came cause they heard we were going to have pictures of John Adams here. Oops, they left. Guess they weren't planning on staying longer than zero seconds. And those 8 women over there are here from the HERS foundation to make sure this party stays polite.

So let's open presents. I told everyone not to bring any gifts, but of course they all did. Which one do you want to open first? Save the big one for last. That one's from Bauman. He couldn't make it, but he made Geoff bring you his present anyway. Okay, you're going to go with the one in the envelope. That's from Joe. Go ahead, open it. Oh look! He wrote you a special...

BS News Quiz! It reads...

"A 4-year-old boy in an Italian city called the police to report what?"

a. That his uncle wouldn't let him play GTA IV on his (the 4-year-old's) Xbox.

b. That his pre-school teacher made him ride in the "learning-mobile".

c. That he was too old for pacifiers, and to please come confiscate them.

d. That he "made-a a poo-poo in mia biancheria intima!" (pooped his pants)

Joe wants to do a quick poll. Let's just wait a second while he tallies. All done, Joe? Great. He goes on to say...

40% said "GTA IV". Nope, although good guess. He's obviously got a grasp for Roman numerals and he thought it was a game for IV-year-olds.

Nobody said "learning mobile." Good for you. You clearly paid to see RvD's latest show and knew this was a Gruber reference.

40% said "poo-poo in his biancheria intima!" That's a spicy meat-a-ball-a! But no.

20% got it right with "pacifiers".

Police in an Italian city said a 4-year-old boy who considered himself too old for his pacifiers called authorities to surrender the baby toys. ... Police said two officers visited the boy's birthday party and traded him a souvenir hat in exchange for his four old pacifiers.

Sounds like a warm and fuzzy story, but something is lost in translation. "Pacifiers" is Italian for "tasers," and souvenir hat is Italian for "cocaine."

Thanks, Joe. That was your funniest BS News Quiz in almost a year.

Which box are you opening next? The one that's kind of heavy and makes an interesting "clinking" sound when you shake it? That's from Geoff. Go ahead and open-- Ahh! Are you OK?! Can somebody get Lora a bandage here! Gee, Geoff, you really shouldn't have. Did you make this broken glass fresh from scratch just this morning? It's nice and sharp instead of fine and powdery like the stuff in the Science Crate that I breathed into my lungs earlier this evening. (It feels like a fiberglass-laced cigarette--lung scratches are nice and tingly.) This is top notch stuff.

Which one's next? The dripping wet one? I think that one's from Nat. Look he's waving at you. That's him in the swimsuit. No need to unwrap it, just kind of schluff the wet paper off of box. Oh. It's a box full of water. He's saying it's the world's smallest swimming pool. Is that where you've been swimming? You say something may have slipped out of your diaper? Thanks for the heads-up, cap'n.

Chris's is in that glittery gift bag full of beautiful, delicate tissue papers counter-draped with Victorian lace and silk work. Look! He's giving you one of his copies of "The Best of Enya" CD/DVD. He buys these in bulk from some guy in Wales. Gets a good deal. Avert your eyes, he's going to try to give you a high-five.

Alright, go ahead and open Mike's gift. I wonder what it could be! Oh look! It's a life-sized, animatronic version of himself doing a scene he wrote about Harriet Tubman's hysterectomy, written as a tribute for MLK's birthday (also today). I've read this scene, and trust me, it ain't no tribute. ... Uh-oh, step back, the HERS section is storming the stage. Looks like they're removing the robot's... battery pack. Wow, who knew that Mike runs on a single AAA battery? Oop, I see Melissa nodding vigorously in the back.

Sorry your birthday party turned out to be so poorly-written. Oh well, I love you. Come on, let's dance, baby.

Who took it?!

I have a notebook. I have been using it to write down all of my ideas in. I wanted to look in it before this blog post. It has a grey cover. It is gone! Who took it! My ideas! My precious creative property rights! Right now someone could be out there writing an award winning sketch about Walter Mondale and a bag of mixed nuts. Wait! Forget I said that! My creative property rights!

So who has it? Where could it be? It didn't just sprout legs and walk away did it? Or did it? Has notebook technology come that far? I don't know, I don't watch news programs.

Hold on a second. We are at the part of every Major League movie where the new coach or manager meets the individual players only to find out that each player has some weird thing about them or some insane weakness. Yoga! Who ever heard of yoga you crazy minor league player? And that catcher throws terribly! Oh boy!

Where is my notebook? Here are theories:

Dark Matter took it:

This stuff is a mystery. Scientists believe that it exists regardless of the fact that there is no hardcore proof that is does. Oh scientists and your crazy theories. But it could exist, and due to it's horrifyingly mysterious nature it could have snuck up and yanked my notebook into a new dimension. But why would a substance that already apparently takes up every inch of space that isn't occupied already by something else need a notebook full of ideas? Still, I don't trust unproven crackpot scientific theories that are simply there to explain away a hundred other things science hasn't quite figured out yet so dark matter is still in the running.

Vladamir Putin took it:

This guy is just bad news all around. Looks evil, smells evil, must be evil. Plus Nat Topping has been all over this guy in the past and Nat is a trustworthy kind of guy. See this, and this, and this! Did you like the one that took you to Nat's blog that had a post leading you right back to RvD's blog? That's the evil and trickery of Putin in effect. One of his operatives could have easily nabbed my notebook, especially since the fine folks at Securitas Security Services won't send me the K-9 unit I sent for until I, get this, pay for it. For shame Securitas. Are you funded by Putin? That's for another blog to decide.

A Robot took it:

Closer and closer approaches the day where robots take over. It is just plain inevitable. 95% of all science fiction comes true in one way or another, and people been writing about robots taking over for a long time now. Robots are sinister and cold from their cold titanium exteriors right down to their internal hyper-process cooling systems. Guitar playing or not, they are coming for us and they demand information. Information such as a notebook full of ground breaking ideas for what will one day become moderately entertaining live productions. Plus I think future world dominating robots will survive on paper, which means the rain forest issues will never be resolved.

A dinosaur took it:

Get it?

Chris Othic took it:

A fellow RvD writer; This guy has been after me ever since Robot vs. Dinosaur was formed. He constantly is trying to pick my brain for great ideas. While I appreciate that he didn't actually try to remove my brain in my sleep to get at the ideas, I don't appreciate his obvious thievery. Not only did he take my notebook to get at my ideas, but also to force me into doing a Chris Othic style blog post. As proof I submit this picture of a notebook,

this picture that came up when I searched Chris Othic in google images,



and this picture of Salma Hayek.

Very clever Mr. Othic, you sneaky S.O.B.

Time Out Chicago on Sketchfest

A quick mention for our little Sketch group's performance at Sketchfest this past weekend, for those interested: Hooah!

Thank you. Please return to your regularly scheduled oggling of Selma Hayek below.

Green or Blue: What Would You Do?

Everyone is talking about Avatar these days (I haven't seen it yet!), and you have to hand it James Cameron: he figured out a way to make a blue alien female sort of sexy in a creepy way.

So of course this got me to thinking about sexy blue women, which in turn got me to thinking about sexy green women. Funny how my mind works. I even did a Google search for sexy women of various other colors, but it looks like green or blue is the way to go when it comes to thinking lurid thoughts about odd colored women.

So, in the interest of science (and by science I mean this blog), I have pitted some sexy blue women vs. some sexy green women, then polled myself on which I liked more. Here are the results:

Neytiri from Avatar

vs.

The Green Chick from the new Star Trek movie


WINNER: The Green Chick from the new Star Trek movie. If the truth must be told, green has nothing to do with it--I'm a sucker for the redheads. But she also has a great body, no tail, and I don't have to worry about her snapping me in two during sex.

On a side note: If this green girl went to my high school, I would have probably asked her to prom. I would have thought she was obtainable, for some reason, probably because she was green. I definitely would have asked her to prom ahead of the Jehovah's Witness girl that turned me down for "religions reasons" but then a year later went to prom with my best friend.

Mystique from the X-Men

vs.

The Green Chick from the old Star Trek series

WINNER: Mystique from the X-Men. Okay, maybe it's the red hair again. Or maybe it's the fact that I know that Rebecca Romijn is underneath all that makeup. But really it's the fact that I have had a bad track record in dealing with bra fasteners, and that doesn't look like it would be a problem when dealing with Mystique.

Another side note: If you were a green girl, wouldn't you avoid wearing a green dress? Imagine how striking you would be if you wore a white dress to go with your green skin. If I asked this green girl to a Christmas party (something I would not ask the Jehovah's Witness girl to, for religious reasons) I would expect her to wear red. And for Halloween I'm thinking she could wear orange and go as a slutty pumpkin. It would be a no brainer, right?

Smurfette

vs.

She-Hulk

WINNER: She-Hulk. These are both cartoons, but still, are they any less real than the blue and green beauties above? I think not. I picked She-Hulk because she has much better abs than Smurfette (who is a bit of a muffin top, I hear) and because word on the street is she's also funny. And I'm also an ass man.

Side note: If you do a google image search for "sexy [insert color] woman," you get some weird stuff. The same is true if you do a search for any super heroine or female cartoon character. I saw some pictures of Smurfette that made me blush. There are some sick people out there. I wonder what happens when you do a search for "Sexy Jehovah's Witness Chick?" Well, here is what you get:
I'm sorry I asked.

Let's take an awkward pause . . .

Soooooooooo, it looks like it's Green Chicks over Blue Chicks, 2 to 1. But just to make sure, I had to conduct one more scientific test:

Salma Hayek Blue

vs.

Salma Hayek Green

WINNER:

Salma Hayek Red!

Actually, after doing some thorough research (i.e., looking at a bunch of pictures of Salma Hayek), it looks like Salma Hayek Blue is the true winner.

I don't know why my wife puts up with me.

New Decade Resolutions. We Can Do This, People!

Now that it’s “A Whole New Decade!!” I like to use this arbitrary milestone marking the passage of time as an excuse to do those things that I’ve been putting off doing for so long. You know: stuff like learning a new foreign language or losing weight or trying not to be such a dick to the people who love me.

The usual stuff.

I feel that as a whole society it would be a good idea to isolate those ills which make life generally speaking suck and attempt to correct them. For the betterment of society (read: myself), naturally.

To that end, I would like to offer the following New Decade Resolutions. Please pass these along, add extras to the comment section, whatever you like.

RESOLUTION #1: ENFORCE PARALLEL PARKING REQUIREMENTS FOR DRIVERS LICENSES

I know that technically speaking people are supposed to be able to parallel park before they are allowed to get a license – I think it’s still part of the test, right? – but I know so many people who just kind of glossed over that part of the deal. Some assholes figure that the majority of the time when you park you’re pulling forward into a spot, especially if you live or are learning to drive in the suburbs, so it’s probably not necessary to know how to parallel park and be courteous about it.

Not true, assholes. Especially in the city, where everything is cramped and you are required to parallel park in order to fit everyone’s car. The result is that you have a bunch of people trying to leave three feet in front and behind then. Which, when you have a bunch of people trying to do the same thing, adds up quickly to several cars that could be parking on that street but can’t because you, asshole driver, aren’t able to properly handle your car.

RESOLUTION #2: STOP TALKING IN THE MOVIE THEATRE DURING THE MOVIE

Did people stop teaching their kids to shut the hell up during the movies? When did this happen? It seems like every time I go to see a movie anymore, there’s some fucker making snide comments to the fuckers they’re with. And it irritates the shit out of me. Particularly in a world where you can do the whole Direct TV thing and watch movies from the comfort of your own home and talk all you want. Do that, assholes. Otherwise, you’re paying $10 per person to sit in a dark room and irritate a bunch of strangers. And that’s just lame.

RESOLUTION #3: STOP THIS NONSENSE BEFORE IT EVEN STARTS

Follow the link and you will find that there are now support threads on Avatar forums – meaning forums devoted to the discussion of the mega blockbuster movie of the century Avatar – meant to console people who are overcome with depression.

“Depression?” you ask, “What the hell are you talking about? It was a good movie.”

That’s not the problem. The problem is that Avatar was so pretty that people don’t want to live in the real world. Quoth some dude at the forum: “When I woke up this morning after watching Avatar for the first time yesterday, the world seemed ... gray. It was like my whole life, everything I've done and worked for, lost its meaning…. It just seems so ... meaningless. I still don't really see any reason to keep ... doing things at all. I live in a dying world.”

Now I'm getting depressed. I'm depressed that there are people in the world who will seriously get depressed because a fantasy world is more fantastical than their everyday world. And that their response to this depression is not to just get over it and go for a lovely walk, but to sit in their mopey computer chairs on their mopey computers, writing mopey posts on mopey chat forums devoted to mopey mopery. Mope.

I know that we live in a world where everyone has to respect everyone else’s feelings and everyone’s opinion is important and what not. But sometimes you just need someone to look you sternly in the eyes and shout STOP IT.

STOP IT!

And this is coming from a guy who loves nothing more than to get dressed up, stand in a three walled room and play Make-Believe. Go take a walk or something.

Go See It Tonight!

We already put out a plug for Robot vs. Dinosaur presents Mrs Gruber's Ding Dong School this Saturday January 9th at 7:00pm at Chicago's Sketchfest 2010 - 1225 W Belmont Ave. Well don't you want comedy sooner? How about checking out 365 Sketches tonight? Robot vs. Dinosaur's own Joe Janes, if you haven't heard, has been diligently writing a sketch a day for a full year. He is presenting a sample of these sketches at Sketchfest this year. It will be great, so check it out.

[Editor's Note: RvD is actually performing one of the sketches, "I Love 2 Boogie," in tonight's show, featuring Nat Topping, Mary Cait Walthall, Becca Levine, Doug Werder and Don Loukota and directed by Chris Othic.]

Then after you see Robot vs. Dinosaur presents Mrs Gruber's Ding Dong School this Saturday January 9th at 7:00pm at Chicago's Sketchfest 2010 - 1225 W Belmont Ave, you'll be screaming for more comedy! How about Creepy Hug on Sunday? RvD member Greg Wendling also helped write that show, so it's great.


365 Sketches, Thursday January 7th at 8:00 PM, North Theatre. Double billed with Happily Ever Laughter.

Creepy Hug, Sunday January 10th at 4:00 PM, North Theatre. I know both groups.

Chicago Sketch Comedy Festival
Theatre Building Chicago
1225 W Belmont Ave
Chicago IL


For tickets call the Box Office at 773-327-5252

Exclusive Pics from the New Saw Movie!

In a bit of coup for the Roboblog, we have managed to acquire some on set pics of the next Saw movie! I particularly liked the first movie, but the next 5 or 6 didn't really do it for me. I have to say the pics below don't offer much in the way of hope either. I think the screenwriters are running out of new and more horrifying tests and puzzles to terrify and test the victims' will to live.

Anyway, enjoy! Next week we will post some exclusive nude photos of the blue chick from Avatar!


EXCLUSIVE PICS FROM SAW VII!

Sketchfest Plug!!

This Saturday, January 9th at 7:00 PM, be prepared to ring in the new decade with some good ol' fashioned teachin'! And who better to learn you than a little old lady who knows a little something about life?

That's right, Mrs. Gruber's Ding Dong School is back in session!

Asses in seats, my friends. Here is Sketchfest general info, and here is the performance schedule for the festival. If, for some ungodly reason, you had to miss the full run then now is your chance to redeem yourselves!

Yaaaaay!

MRS. GRUBER'S DING DONG SCHOOL

Slightly abridged and ready to school Sketchfest

Saturday, January 9th at 7:00.

Chicago Sketch Comedy Festival

Theatre Building Chicago

1225 W Belmont Ave

Chicago IL

For tickets call the Box Office at 773-327-5252