Here are just a few things I want for Christmas this year:
Black work socks.
Underwear, size large.
A Snuggie, blue.
All of my favorite foods fed to me by Selma Hayek.
My wife’s permission to let Selma Hayek feed me all my favorite foods.
Selma Hayek to cancel the restraining order she has against me.
To control my drinking problem.
For my bladder to be able to function when I am passed out.
A new pair of nice, clean pants.
A ski mask.
The work schedules, number of security officers, knowledge of peak hours and blueprint schematics for the bank near my house.
For the Kansas City Chiefs to win the Superbowl.
For the Kansas City Royals to win the World Series.
For Kansas City to schedule a parade for the Royals and the Chiefs and then cancel the parade and instead schedule a parade for my Fantasy Football Team, The Beermen.
Peace on Earth.
Goodwill toward men.
The respect that I deserve.
Anything else you think I might like, along with a gift receipt so I can return it and get a second Snuggie, which is for Selma Hayek.