I Am Tiger Woods' . . . Mistress?

Following the news that Tiger Woods was having various affairs, it seems as if a new alleged mistress pops up everyday. At the current pace, the number of Tiger Woods’ mistresses should be in the thousands by the beginning of 2010. As a public service, RvD is providing the following questionnaire so you can determine whether you are one of Tiger Woods mistresses:

1. Have you ever met Tiger Woods?
If yes, you might be one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses. Continue to next question.
If no, you are not one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses. Yet. Stop here. If you meet Tiger Woods in the future, continue to next question.

2. How did you feel when Tiger Woods’ affairs became public?
If you were upset, you might be one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses. Continue to next question.
If you were not upset, you still might be one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses. Continue to next question.

3. Does Tiger Woods endorse one of your products?
If yes, you are not one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses. You are one of Tiger Woods' corporate sponsors and you are probably freaking out a little. Stop here.
If no, you might be one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses. Continue to next question.

4. Where did you meet Tiger Woods?
A. On a golf course? If yes, there is a small chance you might be one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses. Continue to question 5.
B. In Las Vegas? If yes, you are probably one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses. Skip to question 11.
C. In a dance club? If yes, you are probably one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses. Skip to question 11.
D. In a pancake house? If yes, you are probably one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses. Skip to question 11.
E. Any place else? If yes, you might be one of Tiger Woods mistresses. Skip to question 11.

5. Were you watching Tiger Woods play golf or were you playing golf with Tiger Woods?
If you were watching Tiger Woods play golf, you might be one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses. Continue to next question.
If you were playing golf with Tiger Woods, you still might be one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses. Skip to question 8.

6. Were you the Beer Cart Girl or just a spectator?
If you were the Beer Cart Girl, you might be one of Tiger Woods mistresses. Skip to question 11.
If you were just a spectator, you still might be one of Tiger Woods mistresses. Continue to next question.

7. Did you shout “You ‘da man!” in Tiger Woods’ backswing and get yelled at by his caddie, Steve Williams?
If Steve Williams yelled at you, you are not one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses. You are an obnoxious fan. Stop here.
If Steve Williams did not yell at you, you might be one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses. Skip to question 11.

8. If you were playing golf with Tiger Woods, did he beat you or did he let you win?
If Tiger Woods let you win, you might be one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses. Continue to next question.
If Tiger Woods beat you at golf, you are definitely not one of Tiger Woods mistresses, but continue to next question anyway.

9. Was this a PGA sanctioned event?
If no, you might be one of Tiger Woods mistresses. Continue to next question.
If yes, and you are left-handed, you are not one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses. You are probably Phil Mickelson and this whole thing pleases you immensely even though you won’t admit it. Stop here.
If yes, and you are right-handed, you are still not one of Tiger Woods mistresses, but you are just aother player on the PGA tour that has been beaten down by Tiger Woods. Enjoy your second place prize winnings. Stop here.

10. When Tiger Woods beat you at a non-PGA sanctioned game of golf, did you lose money, or did you take off an article of clothing?
If you lost money, you are not one of Tiger Woods mistresses. You are probably Charles Barkley. Stop here.
If you took off an article of clothing, you might be one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses. Continue to next question.

11. Did you have sex with Tiger Woods?
If yes, you are probably one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses. Continue to next question.
If no, you are not one of Tiger Woods mistresses. You probably met him at a corporate function or golf tournament. Continue to follow this story in Us Weekly like the rest of us. Stop here.

12. Did you have sex with Tiger Woods in an SUV?
If yes, you are almost a lock as one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses. Continue to next question.
If no, you still might be one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses. Continue to next question.

13. Are you a male or female?
If male, you are definitely not one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses, but if you have made it this far you should definitely contact a tabloid or talk show with your story. They will pay you a lot of money. Stop here.
If female, you are probably one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses. Continue to next question.

14. Are you an extremely attractive female?
If no, then you are not one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses. You are probably just some random skank that Tiger Woods had sex with and he never wants to see you again. Stop here.
If yes, you might be one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses. Continue to next question.

15. Did Tiger ever ask you to change your outgoing voicemail message to include just your number, not your name, as a “huge” favor, and “quickly?”
If no, you are not one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses. You are probably some super hot random skank that Tiger Woods had sex with, but he doesn't even have you in his cell phone. Stop here.
If yes, you are surely one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses. Continue to next question.

16. Are you married to Tiger Woods?
If yes, you are not one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses. You are Elin Nordegren Woods and you are going to get half of his money.
If no, you are one of Tiger Woods mistresses. Congratulations. Please leave your name in the comments section of this blog and someone from The National Enquirer will be contacting you shortly.