Santa's Shitty Scene Swap

Last year around the holidays the RvD writers gathered around the yule log and started what looks like is to become an annual tradition: Santa’s Shitty Scene Swap. Rewriting is at the core of this extremely fun exercise because each writer brings in a scene that they are done messing with, or can’t figure out what to do with, or one that’s just plain shitty and not worth further rewrites (in their eyes). We take turns drawing names out of a hat and reading these shitty scenes, and whatever scene you end up with is the scene you will do a rewrite on.

Whoever does the rewrite can simply do a new version, or just take a nugget of an idea from the scene and start over. One and all, that’s what we did last year. The real lesson in this exercise is that you shouldn’t get married to your original idea, because you might have the grain of an idea that can really be turned into an entirely different scene. A lot of the rewrites we had were more or less unrecognizable from their original versions, but you can definitely see what the writer took from the old scene. And I think two of these scenes actually made it into RvD shows this year--which would have never been the case based on the original shitty scenes!

As an example of how our rewrites looked, below is Joe Janes’ Santa’s Shitty Scene Swap submission (say that three times fast) from last year, and below that is my rewrite. Check it and see what you think.

In the meantime, I have to go through all my old files and find another shitty scene for this year’s swap, which means it’s definitely a tradition!

WAKE UP TO COFFEE
By Joe Janes
(Undated)

CAST

BOB
TED
FUNERAL DIRECTOR

(Camera opens on two well-dressed guys standing in front of what appears to be a table with coffee and pastries on it. They both are drinking cups of coffee from cups and saucers.)

BOB
One helluva wake, eh Ted?

TED
Yep. One helluva wake, Bob. But you know, Jim was always that kind of person. You could look at him and say, “Sheesh, what a gut. I’ll bet he’ll have one helluva wake.” And he did. One helluva wake.

BOB
Yep. One helluva wake.

TED
One helluva wake.

BOB
Yep, one helluva wake. I can’t remember one better. When Ralph Smucker’s wife died, in that grape jelly accident, she had one heck of a wake. Nothing like this though. This is one helluva wake. Have you tried the sticky buns?

(Camera pans back to reveal coffee and pastries are set up on the lower half of a coffin. The upper half is open and Jim is resting peacefully. Ted reaches for more coffee.)

TED
Sticky buns, sticky fingers. (They share a laugh.) No coffee! Jim knows I need my coffee! A man dies and nobody bothers to make an adequate supply of coffee! Not that he’d drink any of it, but you’d think they’d keep enough in stock! I need my coffee! I need my caffeine! I’m bitchy!

BOB
Gosh, Ted, take it easy.

TED
Take it easy! That bastard! He knows I need my coffee! You bastard! You bastard!

(Ted begins to strangle Jim. Bob tries to restrain him. People in the background stop what they’re doing and watch. The funeral director breaks them up.)

F.D.
Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Please don’t handle the deceased! The other mourners are trying to enjoy their croissants!

BOB
Croissants? We didn’t get any croissants.

F.D.
Only the immediate family gets croissants.

BOB
You bastard! We were best friends and you didn’t give us any croissants! You bastard! Oops!

(Bob begins to strangle Jim. Jim’s head pops off. A woman in the background faints. The F.D. picks up the head daintily by the nose. He replaces the head.)

F.D.
Look what you’ve done! I hope you’re satisfied. Acting like a couple of kids. It just so happens I have a few corn dogs left over from a wake yesterday. If you had behaved, I would’ve considered giving them to you.

BOB
Corn dogs? Gee, Mister. I’m sorry.

TED
Me, too, Mister. I’m really sorry, too.

F.D.
Do you two promise to behave yourselves?

BOB & TED
Uhunh.

F.D.
Do you promise to stop touching the deceased?

BOB & TED
We promise.

F.D.
I don’t know.

BOB & TED
Please, please. We’ll be good.

F.D.
Oh, very well.

(The F.D. snaps his fingers and a pair of big hairy arms and hands from off camera hand him the corn dogs. He in turn gives them to Bob and Ted.)

BOB & TED
Yeah!!!

F.D.
Here. Now what do you say?

BOB & TED
Thank you!

F.D.
I’ll be keeping an eye on you two.

BOB
Not to worry.

(The F.D. exits.)

TED
No more trouble from us.

(Pause. They sit. Pause. They both eat their corn dogs.)

BOB
This wake really sucks, eh Ted?

TED
Yep. It really sucks, Bob.

(FADE TO BLACK.)

**************************************

Chris Othic
“FUNERAL”
January 21, 2009 (Version 1)

CAST
BOB
TED
REVEREND POWELL
BETH
PALLBEARER 1
PALLBEARER 2
MOURNERS

(BOB and TED are in a funeral parlor. They each have a drink. There is a casket, and flowers, and an assortment of folks weeping.)

BOB
Man, I can’t believe Jim is gone. One day he’s there, and the next thing you know he’s gone. He should have given up the motorcycle a long time ago.

TED
It was his time. What a tragedy. It’s awesome that he had a bar set up at his funeral though.

BOB
But a cash bar? That’s kind of tacky, isn’t it?

TED
And poor Beth, I don’t know how she’s gonna get by. They were basically broke. I don’t even know how she’s paying for the funeral.

(Reverend Powell steps forward.)

REVEREND POWELL
Please gather around as we take a moment to honor the life of Jim Weldon, husband and friend to so many. But first, the widow Weldon would like to speak.

BETH
Thank you all for coming. It really makes things easy in these hard times. Jim would have been happy to know he had so many friends. And it’s good he had so many, because in order to pay for this funeral, we’ve decided to charge a ten dollar cover.

(There is a murmur.)

BETH
I’m so sorry to have to do it, but there’s just no other way to pay for the funeral. It’s either this or bury my Jimmy in a cardboard box. The pallbearers will be around to collect. Kids under 12 are only five dollars. 3 and under is free with one paid adult admission. And sorry, no seniors discounts.

(A couple of pall bearers start to pass a hat.)

TED
A cover charge? Ironic, isn’t it.

BOB
Jim would go out of his way to avoid a cover. I doubt he would approve of this.

TED
And I doubt that ten bucks a head will pay for this funeral, anyway.

REVEREND POWELL
Thank you all for understanding. Now then, let us say a short prayer:

Eternal rest, grant unto them, O Lord,
and let perpetual light shine upon them.
May the souls of the faithful departed
through the mercy of God rest in peace.
And Oh Lord, let them know, that they may receive
A Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny’s that is Heavenly.
And affordable. Amen.

That prayer was brought to you by the local Denny’s, one of our funereal sponsors.

TED
They have sponsors?

BOB
I wondered what all those signs were over by the flowers arrangements. It looks like the outfield wall at Dodger Stadium.

TED
Bob would be pissed if he saw that Honda was a sponsor. He died on a Harley.

(The Pall Bearers stand.)

PALL BEARER 1
Thanks everyone for coming. We’d like to sing this song for our good friend Jim, who always appreciated a good Negro Spiritual.

BETH
And a Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny’s. Sorry, they paid for three mentions during the funeral. Just giving them their money’s worth.

PALL BEARERS
Swing low, sweet chariot,
Comin' for to carry me home;
Swing low, sweet chariot,
Comin' for to carry me to a:

(The Pall Bearers start to sway and break into the Subway song.)

PALL BEARERS (CONT’D)
Five. Five Dollar. Five Dollar Foot Long.
We know that Jim is gone!
Subway! Eat Fresh!

BETH
I’d like to point out that Subway has also donated a couple of six footers for the after funeral gathering. Please consider them in the future when you are hungry.

BOB
But Jim didn’t even like Subway! He was a Quizno’s man, all the way!

BETH
Well, Subway is his friend in death.

REVEREND POWELL
Let me take a moment to point out that before the final viewing of the body, there is a merchandise stand outside the chapel where you can buy DVD screeners of the funeral for home viewing, snacks for the internment, and T-Shirts or Hoodies honoring the deceased that Beth had printed last night. Can one of you fellas bring one up?

(Pall Bearer 1 brings up a T-Shirt and holds it up. It’s just a picture of a torso with no head and says “RIP Jim” on it.)

TED
You’d think they would have taken the picture before the accident.

PALL BEARER 1
We have ones in red, and also pink for the ladies.

PALL BEARER 2
And we’re all out of extra larges.

(A couple people mumble in disappointment.)

REVEREND POWELL
Okay, will folks please come up and pay their respects before we move out to the cemetery for the internment.

BETH
That’s an additional five dollars. Cash only, please.

TED
Are you going up?

BOB
I’m not paying $5.

TED
Come on. Don’t you want to see what they did with his head? I’ll cover you.

(Bob and Ted pay Beth and walk up to the casket.)

BOB
Wow.

TED
That’s a little over the top, don’t you think?

BOB
It’s a wheel of cheese.

BETH
That’s head cheese from the Cheese Barrel. We’re serving that at the after dinner, too.

TED
The smiley face is a nice touch. He looks happy.

BOB
This is ridiculous. He looks like a Nascar Driver. Jim hated Nascar.

BETH
But their economic model works great for a funeral. I just wish I could’ve got more sponsors to put on the coffin.

BOB
Whoa! What’s going on down there?

BETH
The embalming was sponsored by Viagra.

BOB
Well, they could have at least had him wear some pants.

BETH
Advertising is all about exposure. It made up for the fact that we couldn’t get a tattoo on his forehead.

TED
(To Beth.) I can see why you miss him, though.

BETH
He was a good man. Horrible with money, though. He sure put me in a bind here. We’re still a few dollars short. Reverend, any suggestions?

REVEREND POWELL
Everyone! Everyone! Beth has fallen just a few dollars short of her goal to pay for the funeral. So we have decided to take a page from the wedding playbook, and we are offering a one dollar dance with Jim’s body. Pallbearers, if you could give me hand.

(The pallbearers start to pull a headless Jim out of the casket.)

BOB
Let’s go.

BETH
Denny’s! That’s three.

BLACKOUT