I am poor. I am not alone either. There are probably more poor people in this country right now then there has been since the Great Depression. Please note that I have not based that statement on any actual facts and I have absolutely no plans on researching it. I also know that football has the gayest (and by gayest I mean most homosexual sounding) terminology out of any sport. Again, just my opinion. Anyhow... where am I?
So I hope to be rich, or at the very least living comfortably, sometime in the relatively near future. But no matter how rich I may get (fingers crossed, upon a star, rub the Buddha, break that turkey neck) there are some things I don't think I will ever give up:
Ramen Noodles - specifically Maruchan Ramen Noodles. So cheap, so tasty, so salt laden, so bad for you. I have loved these things since I was a kid and I still love them now. I have had to eat them out of necessity at times, other times I just eat them by choice. I actually just finished eating a pork flavored batch. By the way, Maruchan opened it's first plant in the U.S the same year I was born. We were destined to be together. Here is how you make Maruchan Ramen Noodles and consume them. Boil 2 cups of water in a pan on the stove, add the noodles, boil the noodles for about 3 minutes or until they are slightly soft and just starting to come apart easily, add the flavor packet, stir it up, turn off the heat, let the ramen sit there uncovered for 15 to 30 minutes (depending how long you can hold off consuming the delicious dish) so that the noodles soak in some of that great flavor, get out 2 slices of bread (I recommend cheddar bread from Mars Cheese Castle), use a fork to get out about half the noodles, place them on a slice of bread, put the other slice of bread on top, eat the ramen sandwich, consume the rest of the noodles that are still in the pot (straight out of the pot if you're nasty, which both me and Janet Jackson are), drink the broth. Don't judge me!
Cheddar Bread - I mentioned cheddar bread from Mars Cheese Castle in the last paragraph. Since most of you probably have never been or will never go to Mars Cheese Castle feel free to hunt down cheddar bread at your local bakery which, if it is smart, carries some kind of cheddar bread. I'm sure it's good there too, cheddar bread is hard to fuck up. Jalapeno cheddar bread is even better, but some people don't like the spicy. Bread can be pretty damn great on its own, so I applaud the person that said "You know what, I'm gonna make this stuff even better" and then promptly dropped a block of cheese into their bread mix before baking it up. You changed the world good sir or ma'am.
Nintendo Entertainment System games - I'm talking the old 8 bit NES system games. I still have an original NES hooked up to my TV, and I still play it. I will play it until no amount of blowing will get the games to work again (NES players should understand that last statement. Everyone please understand that I am now talking about fellatio in any way). Thanks to technology, specifically the Nintendo Wii, I can download some of those old games and play them even if my NES ever completely dies out. I never fully moved full force into the future of video games. I always liked Nintendo, so I always bought Nintendo. The Playstations and Xboxes are great, and if I was rich I would definitely buy them, but I find a lot of modern games as a turn off because they are so damn involved. Most NES games you can pop into the machine, turn on, and then play through the entire game from start to finish. I like that. It gives me a sense of accomplishment, and then I can sit back and enjoy the ending. Some games nowadays take up to 80 hours to complete. I just normally don't have the time to invest in such an undertaking, but I can still get through Bionic Commando in about 2 to 3 hours - an easy late night mission.
Bologna - I had a friend say that he stopped eating bologna the moment he moved out and started making his own money. I didn't understand why. I think its great. I don't eat it much, but that is because it isn't really good for you at all. I certainly don't feel that I am above it, and I think its just plain delicious. 7-11 poorboys are a favorite late night food of mine - ham, salami, bologna, and cheese on a sub roll. So simple. So cheap. So great. I also grew up in an area of the country that had fried bologna subs on most deli menus. So bologna was always a part of my life, and it always will be.
Macaroni and cheese - not a lot of justification needed here. I think this would be on many peoples' lists. So I'll just move on.
Sitting around the home in my underwear - Everyone does this right? I wear pants in public for everyone's benefit. When I am home, 95% of the time I have no pants on. A lot of time I won't even have a shirt on. It just seems like that sort of behavior is equated to poor people. Well put a hundred million in my bank account and I'll show you a very happy man in his big fancy mansion sitting on his ten thousand dollar leather couch with a giant smile on his face and no pants.
Cursing - Some people think cursing isn't dignified or perhaps it's juvenile and rich people with clout and status and such should act better. FUCK COCK ASS FUCK SHIT BITCH FUCK SHIT SHITTY ASS CUM, and so forth.
Occasionally re-reading the Ernest P. Worrell "Book of Knowledge" - Yes, that is the same Ernest as the "Ernest Goes to Camp" and "KnowhutImean?". And yes this book really exists, and I really own a copy, and I really read it. It contains such wonderful items as:
"Why I Don't Fly.
1. What if something went wrong with the plane, could you make it without it?
2. Things that live the longest - like elephants, giant redwoods, whales, and tortoises - rarely if ever fly.
3. The food they serve is terrible. What if the same people are fixing the plane?"
"Things I Lie Awake Worrying About"
2. Who measured the equator and did he or she get hot.
6. What Cher is going to wear next week.
8. What to call the water between California and the rest of us after the earthquake - should it be the Baja Channel or the Gulf of Nevada."
"Has the Tooth Fairy come out of the closet yet?"
I definitely found it funnier as a child, but like it or not it had to have some influence on me and my comic stylings and sensibilities.
So that's it for now. Bye.