Top Ten Irrational Fears Held By Chris Othic

• That he will develop an allergy to beer
• That he will be involved in a plane crash but he will be on the ground and the plane will crash on top of him
• Little People (this is unfair to Little People but we are dealing with irrational fears)
• That his fantasy football team (Beer Men, 3-0) will go undefeated but then lose in the championship game costing him $350 in prize money
• That Freddy Krueger is real
• That Freddy Krueger is only 28” tall (see fear of Little People)
• Nat Topping’s second penis (the first is actually very friendly)
• That he will lose his job, go bankrupt, develop a drug problem, his wife will leave him, he will go crazy, become homeless, run off into the forest, there will be a tornado, he will have to take shelter in a cave, there will be a cave-in, he will be pinned under some rocks, he will be forced to drink his own urine, it will start raining, the water will rise, he will somehow manage to escape the water, he will be close to dying, he will find a six pack of beer in the cave to sustain his life, he will have an allergic reaction to the beer and die
• That he will only be able to think of nine irrational fears

Surrogates

Wow, look at the new Robo-digs, huh? Nice, clean black with the logo on top. Very pretty. Don't get me wrong, I'll always look back on the pea soup green days with a wistful tear in my eye. But progress is progress.

I'm getting sidetracked. What did I want to talk about today?

AH YES! Surrogates.

Not like surrogate mothers (although did you hear about the couple that tried to do the test tube baby thing only to find out that the doctor knocked her up with the wrong sperm? How messed up is that?)

No, like the movie starring Bruce Willis and, eh, some other people. Ving Rhames, the farmer from Babe, then a bunch of actors I've never seen before.

Quick synopsis for you, courtesy of the IMDB: "Set in a futuristic world where humans live in isolation and interact through surrogate robots, a cop (Willis) is forced to leave his home for the first time in years in order to investigate the murders of others’ surrogates."

Basically, instead of people walking around and having to actually do things for themselves, they sit in a chair and operate / inhabit these surrogate robot things, which basically allow them to live their lives without leaving their home. And then, if your surrogate gets killed or something, you can just get another surrogate robot thingy and it's like a do over.

It's a lazy man's paradise.

Rotten Tomatoes currently gives it a 35% suck percentage, which is a little harsh I think. The movie, it mean, it was popcorn: you go, you watch the explosions, the premise is kind of cool, the script isn't anything fantastic but overall you have a good time.

There's nothing wrong with that. Not every movie can be brilliant. And yeah, I realize there's supposed to be a none-too-subtle message about how people need to stop spending so much time on their goddamn Nintendo machines and more time actually talking to people and blah blah blah. But whatever. Mostly, I came away from the movie thinking about what I would do if I had a surrogate.

Pretty much everything I came up with involved leaping off of bridges or holding up banks or doing various inappropriate things in public. This should surprise no one.

The Beckoning of Lovely

This will make even the curmudgeonly Nat Topping go "Awwwwww."

Outrage over Barack Obama song in school

Couldn't figure out how to post this video, so here is the link.



I was just as pissed as that guy, but my rant went like this:

Here the liberals go again. Indoctrinating their children with the belief that the autofocus button on an amateur camcorder is completely optional--that the substance matters more than presentation. I remember my parents filming my class singing "Yum Yum Yum Ronald Reagan" and, oh, oh! the clarity on that VHS tape. The song blew chimps, but the z-axis focus? Come on! We didn't even have HD back then, but we would have utilized it. But these progressivistic parents and their arty French films. Where are the Freedom films? Have we forgotten September 11?

Caption, My Caption

ROBOWRITER'S ASSIGNMENT

Go through a magazine and cut out all the single-panel cartoons. Avoid iconic characters that you may be too familiar with, like Ziggy or Marmaduke and avoid cartoons that don't need or don't have a caption. The joke's already there and it could be creatively problematic when you try to do something different with it. In cutting out the cartoons, remove the captions and throw them away. Use the remaining cartoons as springboards to writing scenes. A great magazine to use for this is The New Yorker. Their cartoons are fairly neutral and hardly ever funny. You don't have to worry about the caption being stuck in your head, because you'll promptly forget it.

I wrote two scenes this week with the exercise, "Oblique Oblige" and "Climate Change."

Join us on Sundays!

Sundays 6:30pm - 8:30pm
Bourgeois Pig Cafe
738 West Fullerton, 2nd floor
A weekly drop-in workshop for sketch comedy writers of all levels. Come to get feedback on a scene you are already working on. Come to get ideas for new scenes. Come to hang out, read scenes, meet other writers. $5.

Chris Othic's Very Short Interview With Amy Adams

(Amy Adams, looking rather cute and energetic, sits down in an undisclosed Starbucks to talk with RvD’s own Chris Othic about her career and what it’s like to be so damn cute.)

Amy Adams: Hello.

Chris Othic: Hello to you! I’m glad to finally meet you. I loved, loved, loved you in Enchanted. Even though you really look like the Little Mermaid.

AA: I get that a lot.

CO: Seriously, I brought a seashell bra I want you to try on later.

AA: You’re so funny.

CO: Thanks! No one ever says that enough. Actually, no one ever says that at all. Check it out: You’re initials are AA!

AA: That’s true.

CO: You know, like Alcoholics Anonymous! Isn’t that funny?

AA: I guess.

CO: I mean, you have to admit, it’s kind of funny, because while I’m here interviewing you I should be at my AA meeting, but I told my sponsor I was going to check out AA--but I really meant Amy Adams!

(AA titters)

CO: You just tittered!

AA: I know! I do that.

CO: That’s definitely a “cute” behavior. Tittering.

AA: Well, cute is my thing, you know.

CO: Definitely. You’re no Megan Fox.

AA: Excuse me?

CO: I mean, she’s really sexy and you’re, you know, girl next door cute type. You’re a little sexy, though. You’re “scute.”

AA: I’m what?

CO: Scute. It’s a little word I made up.

AA: It sounds like a disease, maybe?

CO: No, it’s scute. Sexy and cute. Like, in the way that the Little Mermaid is sexy and cute. Maybe it should be “cutexy.” Doesn’t really have a ring to it, though.

AA: Yeah, scute is a little better, I guess.

CO: I saw in your profile that you were on Charmed back in 2000. Did you by chance ever get in a pillow fight with Alyssa Milano?

AA: Actually, yes! Me and all the witches got in a huge pillow fight!

CO: Seriously! Oh my god!

AA: No. Just kidding.

CO: Aww, damn! (he suddenly reaches under the table)

AA: What? What are you doing?

CO: I got a little excited picturing you and Alyssa Milano pillow fighting. Can I borrow that napkin?

AA: Ewww!

CO: I spilled my tea. (dabbing at his crotch)

AA: Oh, I thought it was . . .

CO: It’s tea, okay. Tea. (dabbing at his crotch)

AA: Um, sorry, it’s just, we didn’t order any drinks yet.

CO: Please don’t judge me. It’s a medical condition.

AA: I’m, uh, I’m so sorry.

CO: Don’t mention it. Now then, you’ve been in three movies with Meryl Streep! Isn’t she annoying!

AA: Um, no.

CO: I mean, always talking with the accents and stuff?

AA: She talks normal, most of the time.

CO: I loved her in Doubt when she talked like Christopher Walken.

AA: You mean her Brooklyn accent?

CO: No. No. She was doing a Walken impression, I’m pretty sure. You don’t know much about acting, do you?

AA: I don’t think--

CO: Hey, on the set, would she do that Walken speech from Pulp Fiction? (doing Walken) “I carried this hunk of metal . . . up my . . . ass . . .” Hey, I’m pretty good! It’s all about the pausing.

AA: That was the worst Walken impression ever.

CO: You’re sooo scute! I must say, I loved you and Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada. Well, she was kind of a bitch but you, you were great in that movie.

AA: Thanks, but . . . I think you’re talking about Anne Hathaway.

CO: Oh yeah! She’s great, isn’t she. Did you see her breasts in Brokeback Mountain? Surprisingly nice.

AA: I saw that movie but didn’t really notice . . .

CO: You can also see them in Havoc. Let me pull up the internet here and I’ll show you a still from Mr. Skin.

AA: That’s not necessary, really.

CO: It will just take a sec. (he fumbles with his laptop) It’s loading now, hang on.

AA: Who are you with again?

CO: The Robot vs. Dinosaur blog.

AA: How did you arrange this interview?

CO: I did a fake interview with Megan Fox once. You’re people must have liked it.

AA: I can’t imagine. Look, this interview isn’t really going anywhere and . . .

CO: How about you put on the seashell bra? That might liven things up. (starts to pull it out of a bag)

AA: You really have one? I thought you were joking?

CO: I never joke about the Little Mermaid.

AA: I really--I have to go. (she stands)

CO: I hope it’s your size. I made it from the smallest shells I could find.

AA: You made it yourself? Really, I’m leaving now. (she starts to walk away)

CO: Wait, Mr. Skin is up! Here, here is a naked picture of you!

AA: That’s Anne Hathaway, asshole!

(Amy is sprinting now.)

CO: Which one of you was in that Princess Diary movie?

(Amy is gone. Chris looks at the picture for a moment.)

CO: (to himself) Hmmmm, Anne Hathaway. I wonder . . .

DELICIOUS VS DISGUSTING

And now it's time for that complete waste of time: DELICIOUS VS DISGUSTING

DELICIOUS: SWEDISH FISH

DISGUSTING: PICKLED HERRING

I hope you enjoyed today's DELICIOUS VS DISGUSTING. Please, go about your day.

On Cooking Oil Disposal

First of all, go see the *Creepy Hug show, "Dirt Nap", tonight at 8pm at Gorilla Tango! Funny show! Buy tickets here!

Now, this week my parents moved from St. Louis, MO all the way to Ft. Myers, FL. They assure me this is not their big retirement move, and they promised to grace us with their presence occasionally in the Midwest. I sure hope so, because this morning I realized that while in 32 years they managed to get most of the big details of life and pieces of advice out of the way, there are one or two little things they have left me woefully unprepared to deal with.

They made sure I knew never to pour cooking oil or grease down a drain in your home. They grew up in an era when mysterious grease traps were built into their basements (maybe they still are; I am not a homeowner), and my dad remembers vividly the first time he saw the disgusting contents of said trap. So my parents prepared me and prepared me good to keep your cooking oil in frozen cans in your freezer.

They did not explain what to do when your freezer is finally full of old creamed-corn cans that are now filled with oil. Putting them in our trash can on a 70-degree day does not seem to be a very polite option. We're looking into a 3rd freezer--industrial size.

So this is what fame feels like...

Howdy. So I filmed my first commercial ever today. Well, technically it wasn't the first one ever. I did a little shoot for a friend's company back in the Buffalo area, but that was just him with a hand cam MOS style. Today was pretty much what I would think a full on production would be like.

I jump in my Zip Car(tm) and head on up to Evanston. The location was easy to spot because there were about 10 or so trucks all lined up on one side of the street and much of the insides of the house we were filming in were out in the front lawn. The commercial is for Chinet(tm) - you know, the paper/plastic plates and cups people. I am Groom's Guest or Guest of Groom or something like that. 4 principals; me, 2 other Groom's Guests, and the Groom himself. There were also 2 extras, but I think they only used one of them.

There really is a lot less to talk about then I thought there would be. No really wacky or crazy things happened. I showed up, got into costume (just regular clothes - my apologizes to those hoping I would have to wear a monkey or penis costume or something). Then it was some quick makeup. Then standing outside next to the craft table. For those who don't know what that is, just think of it as a snack table. I have already determined that it is one of the best parts of the whole damn process. Snack and chat, snack and chat. The female counterparts to ourselves come out of the house. Apparently they shot earlier then us. Basically the commercial is girls at bridal shower, then guys at a pseudo bachelor get together, back and forth. The humor is in the juxtaposition between the two scenes. So the girls come out the house and I spend some time deciding on which lady my character is married to. The nice tall brown haired lady will do. Snack and chat, snack and chat. Time to go downstairs to the basement area. The production company turned the basement into what everyone is now calling a "man cave" (thanks a lot I Love You Man. You weren't even that good of a movie). Nasty looking throw rug. Couple of ugly couches and chairs. Mounted fish and some horns on the wall. The basement had a bar in it, and a pool table as well as a big vinyl record collection and an 8-Track player shaped like a robot. So we go down to the basement, get into position. Lights get adjusted. Space gets adjusted. Everything gets checked and checked again. Then break for lunch (which is the second best part of the whole process). Asian themed food was on the menu, and it was pretty damn good. Potty break time before we get to the actual filming. This was the worst part of the process. The owners of the home we shot in didn't want us using their bathrooms, so there was a port-o-potty outside. I go to the port-o-potty, enter, and there is... well there is no way to put this lightly so.... there was a large pile of shit sitting in the toilet. This was a pretty fancy port-o-potty so it had a foot pump that you could press to "flush" the toilet. I pumped and pumped, but the shit would not move. So I pissed on the shit, washed my hands, and got the hell out of there. Back to the shoot. Rehearse, rehearse, rehearse. Then shoot the scene a few times. Re-arrange everything. Shoot. Re-arrange. Shoot. And so on. And done.

That is really it. It was the most exciting non-exciting thing I think I have ever been a part of. I was so excited to be there and be part of the process, but you really are just waiting around for the majority of the time. When we weren't rolling there was like 20 people running around doing 10 different things all at once. It's heavily chaotic and then everything is really quiet, roll film, cut, and then chaos all over again. The extra weird icing is the fact that I have no idea where the commercial will be showing (nationally, locally, cable, network), still don't know how I get paid or frankly if I am even going to be in the final product. It is a strange business, that's for sure. I certainly hope I get to do it again and again.

Blog Pending

Shooting my first commercial today, so after that is done I figured I would blog about the experience. See y'all later today or tonight.

Creepy Hug Presents: Dirt Nap!

Hey everybody,

Another sketch group I'm a part of, *Creepy Hug, opens our eighth show, entitled "Dirt Nap" this Friday at 8pm at Gorilla Tango, and I sincerely believe it just might be the funniest show *Creepy Hug has ever done. Come see it soon! Fridays and Saturdays at 8pm from September 18 - October 10 at Gorilla Tango (1919 N Milwaukee). Tickets are $12. Book them at www.gorillatango.com or at 773-743-8338.


Here's the show description:

Death is coming! Not just for you, but for everybody, eventually. The fact is every animal on the planet is destined to take one final breath before cashing in; checking out; meeting their maker; paying the piper; kicking the bucket; buying the pine box condo; biting the big one; becoming worm food. The choice is yours: either waste time crying over the impending endless vacation, or laugh at the face of death. Regardless, we’re all destined for a Dirt Nap.

*Creepy Hug’s eighth sketch show, Dirt Nap, is a high-energy revue that makes light of the eternal darkness. With songs, puppies and puppets, the ensemble cast finds laughs in facing one’s fears, a doctor’s bad news, and a dying mother’s final request. In addition to being an hour of engaging comedy, Dirt Nap will help you come to terms with that fatal flop, the cessation siesta, the terminal trance, necrosis nod, hibernation in heaven….you get the point.

The Gods Must Be Swayze

I was going to try and write something fun today, but then Patrick Swayze died. And then my first instinct was to write something about Patrick Swayze and make it funny, but I thought, “You know what? I liked me some Patrick Swayze. I don’t want to poke fun at his death.”

So I decided to write about what Swayze meant to me.

You see, Swayze was one of those actors that sort of creeps into your subconscious. He wasn’t ever a huge action star like Stallone or Schwarzenegger, and he wasn’t a great actor like Pacino or De Niro, but his movies were fun and he was a better actor than the action stars and a better action star than the actors.

He had a few really big hits, like Ghost and Dirty Dancing, but for me personally, I will take the trifecta of Red Dawn, Road House and Point Break. If you think about it, wouldn’t you rather watch those three movies back to back instead of the Godfather Trilogy, or three Matthew McConaughey (low rent Swayze) movies? I thought so. Red Dawn was early in his career, but he had already developed that Swayze Swagger. Road House was probably one of the most underrated movies of the ‘80s, and for my money it was Swayze at his best. And Point Break was, well, let’s just say it had Swayze, Keanu AND Gary Busey. Those are some icons, man. And there was never a villain I wanted to be more like than Swayze’s Bodhi. Seriously, I tried to take up surfing after watching Point Break, which was no easy task because I lived in Missouri. That is the Power of Swayze.

As a matter of fact, remember that crush you had on Jennifer Grey after Dirty Dancing came out? That was also the Power of Swayze. Look at her in that movie. She’s cute, but she was no Julia Roberts or Sandra Bullock. But she was America’s Sweetheart for one glorious summer, and I think that was because she was touched by the Swayzemaster. I still believe that if Swayze would have starred with her in Wind instead of a bland Matthew Modine, that movie would have been a hit and Jennifer never would have gotten the unfortunate nose job where she went from cute and quirky to plain and forgettable. The Power of Swayze, remember that.

Some other things about Swayze that I liked: his hair. Really, the guy had some cool locks, didn’t he? And I’m not saying that in an ironic or sarcastic way. Just think about Swayze’s hair for a moment and you will realize how cool it actually was. It wasn’t over done, like in a romance novel cover sort of way, but it was thick and luscious and obviously touched by God. Poets should have written about his hair.

And if I could choose one body style to emulate, it would be Swayze’s. I mean, think of a shirtless Swayze from back in his heyday. He had some great muscle tone, but it wasn’t over the top. It was just enough that you would think, “I won’t mess with him, because he could probably rip out my jugular.” With the proper diet, exercise and dance regimen, most guys with a medium build could have a body like Swayze’s. And if you have a body like Swayze’s body, you can pretty much have anything else you want as well. The Power of Swayze.

And one last thing I loved about Swayze: he could dance really good and nobody made fun of him. I think the only two guys that ever looked bad ass dancing were Swayze and Baryshnikov, and Baryshinikov could have never starred in Next of Kin or sexed up Demi Moore in Ghost. His dancing had the power of a case of dynamite. If you don’t believe that, then try to imagine what it would have been like if Swayze would have played Kevin Bacon’s role in Footloose. If Swayze would have danced angrily through that feed mill to “Never”, that building would have NEVER stood a chance. It would have exploded from the sheer power of his dancing. I’m also pretty sure that dancing would still be considered dangerous and illegal in Footlooseville if Swayze had come to town. Hide the kids and protect your women because that is the Power of Swayze.

Swayze’s career kind of peaked in the early ‘90s, and he never really did anything to speak of after that. But that’s okay. The Swayze I will always remember was the one that gently caressed a dying Charlie Sheen in the snow, that lovingly pushed a penny up Demi Moore’s apartment door, that dominated Keanu Reeves in every scene they had together, and that totally made me want to have Jennifer Grey as my girlfriend for one shining summer.

Because that is the Power of Swayze.

Our Cast - Mrs. Gruber's Ding Dong School

Hey everybody! Considering we're now in production of our new Sketch Comedy Show "Mrs. Gruber's Ding Dong School," it's probably a good time to post a cast list.

Behold, the names of our lovely cast members!!

Jill Fenstermaker
Susie Gutowski
Andrew Kraft
Rebecca Levine
Ryan McDermott
Erin Morrill
Connor Tillman

We've had our first read through and our first rehearsal, and we're really looking forward to the process and getting the finished show up (October 16th through November 21st at Gorilla Tango - GO, BUY TICKETS. BRING YOUR FRIENDS.)

Ahem.

More info, including press releases and all of that foolishness, to follow so check back often.

Dear Greg Wendling,

I see what you're doing and I like it! Your fake Beatles lyrics represent the voice of a new fake generation. Your fake words will inspire millions of fake people to embrace fake peace and fake love. But remember that while your lyrics may be fake, my bullets will be real.

Love,
Mark David Chapman
Attica, NY

PS. Yes, I, like most people Mike Bauman went to university with, completely missed the point of Catcher in the Rye.

"Lard Clays Fight" - Parody of "Hard Day's Night" by The Beatles

Sits dinner lard clays fight,
Can dive win lurking bike a frog,
Sits dinner lard clays fight,
Rice could fee jerking trike a bog.

Cut lend my pet dome frou-frou,
Kite wind the rings cat coo-coo,
Till cake tree peel low tray.

Enzyme Rome, everything deems Loud pee white,
Enzyme Rome, wheeling two scolding free plight, plight, bleah!

You want healthcare speech play-by-plays?

RvD has been spending our evenings doing last minute prepping and polishing of our new script for our first rehearsal tonight. Because of our creative diligence, I was unable to watch President Obama's speech to congress last night. However, my friend Michelle was gracious enough to text me updates. It's like I was there!

"Madam Speaker! The President of the United States!"

7:11 p.m. Mr. President is being Mr. Rockstar, with five full minutes of crowd surfing and high fiving.

7:12 p.m. BO hands JB and NP secret manila envelopes.

7:14 p.m. Full-on Democratic orgasm.

7:20 p.m. History lesson.

7:23 p.m. Heartstring tugging. Guilt tripping. Why, oh, why do I swoon when he condescends to me?

7:25 p.m. Fuck you, insurance giants!

7:27 p.m. Fuck you, Canada!

7:28 p.m. "Build on what works and fix what doesn't." (This will lead nearly every single article you read about this speech.)

7:28: The time for bickering is over. ... Now is the season for action.

Okay, this actually got really good. Here's the rundown of his plan:

If you have health insurance, nothing in this plan will require you to change your plan or the doctor you have. "Let me repeat this [Republicans]."

* It will be against the law to be denied insurance for a pre-existing condition.
* It will be against the law for insurance companies to drop you when you get sick or water it down when you need it the most.
* There will be no arbitrary cap on the amount of coverage you can receive in a year, or in a lifetime.
* It will place a limit on how much you can be charged for out of pocket expenses.

For people who don't have health insurance, he's creating a health care mega mall, a "new insurance exchange" where individuals and small businesses will be able to shop for health insurance at affordable prices. For people that still can't afford it, the government will assign tax credit based on need.

Essentially, people will be required to have health insurance, just like people are required to have car insurance.

7:36 p.m. "While there are still significant details that need to be ironed out" ... (audience laughs)

7:38 p.m. Sticking it to Sarah Palin regarding death panels. He calls it cynical and irresponsible. And gets a standing ovation.

7:39 p.m. Boooooo'd for saying the plan won't cover illegal aliens.

7:41 p.m. Boooooo'd from me for saying no federal dollars used to fund abortions.

7:42 p.m. "I don't want to put insurance companies out of business, I just want to hold them accountable." I can't believe how easy it is to watch this guy. Even when I was watching GWB to make fun it was seriously boring. This is like eating candy. Ba-rock candy.

7:46 p.m. His "no new taxes" is called "not one dime to the deficit."

7:48 p.m. Sticking it to Dubya on Iraq and tax breaks for the wealthy.

7:51 p.m. "I want to speak directly to the seniors for a minute. I SAID, I WANT TO TALK TO THE SENIORS ABOUT MEDICARE FOR A MINUTE!"

7:53 p.m. Health care pricetag = $900 billion over a decade.

7:56 p.m. "If you misrepresent what's in this plan, we will call you out." Damn, B.

7:58 p.m. Ted Kennedy's ghost can mail letters. Spooooooky.

8:01 p.m. Hope montage.

8:03 p.m. Crowd surfing round two. This time it's more like paddle-boarding.

8:06 p.m. JB and NP open their secret envelopes. It's a picture of GWB's face superimposed with, "What, Me Worry?"

8:07 p.m. Barack has left the building.

I'm posting this without Michelle's permission. She'll either get a kick out of it or will be really pissed. If this post disappears, you'll know which.

I Love Photo Booths

Mary Liz and I attended the wedding of our friend and fellow book club member, Mamata Reddy, and her groom, Michael Herbst. The wedding was fun, a Christian/Hindu fusion, and we had a great time, even though it started at 10 a.m. and continued throughout the afternoon. We had to force ourselves to bed early on Saturday night, but knew it was worth it as we had the perfect excuse for a nice round of day-drinking on Sunday.

Mary Liz thought I needed to dress appropriately for a day wedding, so last month a new suit was purchased (the Jos. A. Bank Executive 2-Button Poplin Suit - Tan). I must admit I looked great, and stood out among the crowd of James Bond wannabes in their dark colored suits.

I will say wearing a light colored suit and hat to a day wedding seems very southern, and I couldn't resist talking like Foghorn Leghorn at every opportunity: "I say, I say, my drink is empty and this will not stand."

Most people thought I was doing an Al Pacino impression, but I think that's more on him than it is on me.

Anyway, they had a photo booth at the wedding, which is always a good time, and Mary Liz and I got our picture taken with our friend Elizabeth, who looked rather Amazonian in her hooker heels and a blue dress. We had to make up some poses for the booth, which we of course practiced before we went in. You can see them to the right, along with the new suit, although it looked much better in the color of the afternoon sun and with a whiskey sour in my hand. I'm the one in the middle talking like Foghorn Leghorn throughout the picture taking. "I must say, ladies, there is only room for two hens and one rooster in this booth."

Derek and Simon

Last night during the callback audition for the new RvD show (Mrs. Gruber's Ding Dong School -- or is it Mrs. Gruber's Ding! Dong! School), instead of being productive, Joe showed us the beginning of Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, as both that video and a scene in our upcoming show have a character named "Moist". (Dr. Horrible cannot rightfully claim to have a character named "Creamy" however. Take that, NPH!)

When Moist made his first appearance I was happily reminded how funny Simon Helberg is. The Derek and Simon show is a great series of short films written by Derek Waters and Simon Helberg and also by director Bob Odenkirk. Check them all out, but start with these two.

The Pity Card



A Bee and A Cigarette, Part 1




A Bee and A Cigarette, Part 2

It all falls down

Had ideas. Ran out of time. I don't get it. I think I have to start waking up at 5:00am again. So here is this:

Quick Hits

I recently had this semi-homoerotic text exchange with a friend of mine, “Mike,” regarding a BBQ dinner that he owes me and Fantasy Football.

Mike: Hey, Chris - haven’t had a chance to look, but hope you had a good
draft. Doesn’t look like I’ll be able to make it to BBQ dinner I owe you
this weekend. Sorry. I’ll touch base when I can. Mike
out.

Me: No prob. You’re still my main man unless you
beat me in week one of FFL.

Mike: I’m moderately uncomfortable, yet curiously intrigued
by your response. Shall we tell your wife?

Me: No gayness intended in my last response.
Reread it doing a Jimmy Walker impression.

Mike: Oh yes, much better. I had flipped on the Monroe switch
from Too Close For Comfort.

***

Wouldn’t it be great if there was a Monroe switch on your phone, and it would read your text messages in a certain way? I would also like to have a Clint Eastwood switch, Uncle Jesse from the Dukes of Hazard, Darth Vader, Rosie Perez and--oh forget it--the Monroe switch is the only one you would ever need.

***

“You know, the only reason I’m not gay is because I’m afraid of what might not happen. I mean, if I decide to go gay because all of the women have rejected me, what happens when all the men reject me? Am I then stuck waiting for aliens to land, hoping they might be into me? I really hope they have vaginas.” --Said by me, very recently

***

This is a funny little thing I have been known to say at parties and such when my sexuality has been questioned (this happens a lot). You must admit, it’s slightly amusing. That is, unless one of your fellow writers (NAT TOPPING) makes a point of saying “Haven’t I heard you say that before? What are you, a stand up comedian?” And by "fellow writer" I meant “ASSHOLE.”

***

Mary Liz’s line from a recent Cubs game when the New York Mets manager walked out to the mound in the 7th inning as the Mets were being blown out, 11-4: “Do you think he’s making his dinner plans?” Then she went on to talk about how he was probably getting the pitcher’s steak order, and deciding what restaurant they were going to check out after the game. She's never even seen Bull Durham. And I think I’m the funny one.

***

If you’re a baseball fan, now is a good time to go to Cubs games. Scalped tickets are going for less money than it takes to get a hand job in Wicker Park. A friend recently got one for $10 (a ticket) outside the ballpark. I got one for $3 (still talking about tickets) in the fifth inning of a recent game. And if you wait until the game is over and everyone has left, free peanuts and souvenir cups!

***

Don’t you judge me for taking the free peanuts. It’s the economy.

The Ballad of the Sad Cafe

This rarely produced Edward Albee play is currently running at The Chopin Theater, produced by the Signal Ensemble Theatre, but for only another two weeks.

Go see it! Very seldom will I just flat out say a production is brilliant from top to bottom, but this is it. Great acting, sophisticated storytelling, top-notch design.

Don't believe me? Here's a snippet from Don Hall's revue and he's an ass.

Melania Lancy's set is really remarkable - both clean and dirty and detailed within an inch of it's life, the stage makes excellent use of the slightly claustrophobic downstairs Chopin Theater and uses those pillars to great effect. Mark Hurni's lighting is filled with subtlety and, like the music, perfectly underscores what the actors are doing. And what actors are doing is exactly why one goes to see theater.

You can read the rest of the review HERE.

You can get limited discounted tickets through Goldstar. Do it. Do it NOW!

Get their early to enjoy the live pre-show music.