Chris Othic’s Very Short Interview with Zoe Saldana

(Zoe sits at an undisclosed pizza shop with RvD’s own Chris Othic to talk about acting, being hot and what it’s like to be in two of the biggest movies of 2009. Below is a transcript of the interview.)

Zoe Saldana: Hi, I’m Zoe.

Chris Othic: Well, hello Zoe, what do you know?

ZS: It’s actually pronounced Zo-ee. Like Joey, but with a “z.”

CO: But I wanted it to rhyme with “hello” and “know.”

ZS: Sorry, but it’s Zoe.

CO: It does sound cuter that way. Check it out, after seeing you in person I think the correct pronunciation should be “Zow-ie!”

ZS: That’s cute.

CO: And you say it like if you were Jerry Lewis. “Zooow-iiieeee!” Or maybe that was more like Captain Caveman.

ZS: A Captain Caveman reference! That’s really very funny! You are hilarious!

CO: Thank you! And you are a brilliant woman for recognizing that! So many people think I’m not funny, my writer friends, my writing partner, my wife, my family, my co-workers, homeless people, anybody with an opinion about comedy—

ZS: That’s too bad, but--

CO: Captain Caveman say, “You are Zow-ie! Zow-ie! Ba Ba Boom!”

ZS: (Laughing) Captain Caveman jokes! I love those! Did he say “Va Va Voom?” I don’t remember that?

CO: No, no, that was a “freestyle.” And I didn’t say “Va Va Voom.” That’s how you compliment a Latino woman! I said “Ba Ba Boom!” because that’s how you compliment a black woman, like yourself. It’s all about the “b” sound, that’s what that is.

ZS: Um? Actually, I'm Dominican and Peurto Rican.

CO: Exactly, you know! So, yeah, “b” for black women. Although “v” doesn’t work for Latino’s, it should really be “La La Loom.” I don’t make the rules. Actually, I do.

ZS: Umm, okay?

CO: But enough semantics! Let’s talk about your new movie!

ZS: Yes, let’s!

CO: I have to admit, I saw Avatar and I was like, a little distracted.

ZS: How’s that?

CO: Actually, a lot distracted. I kept looking for the nipples, you know? It was like two and a half hours long and I just kept looking for little blue nipples, maybe big blue nipples even, I don’t know because I never saw any. I didn’t think that was very realistic.

ZS: That’s what seemed unrealistic to you?

CO: Well, yeah. I mean, your character—and great work, by the way—

ZS: Thank you.

CO: You are on screen for a great deal of the movie and how did you keep them from exposing your nipples? I mean, there should be an Oscar for wearing that little tiny costume you had on and acting with your hair and feathers and stuff so we never see your nipples.

ZS: Well, it wasn’t really me who did that, it was—

CO: Oh, the crew! Like, somebody was on the crew to make sure there were no nipples? They had a glue gun or something? Not a glue gun, that would hurt, but like some spirit gum or maybe—do they make a gun with spirit gum? There were a lot of actresses and so to cover all those nipples—

ZS: They didn’t use—

CO: . . . that would be a Herculean task. You would definitely need a spirit gum gun or something. I mean, I looked and there were no nipples in this movie, at all. Not even in the crowd scenes. That James Cameron is pretty good, you know? He directed Titanic and there were some nipples in that, I think Kate Winslet’s and maybe Leo’s, possibly. I’d have to rewatch it know for sure.

ZS: You realize that Avatar was all CGI, right?

CO: Oh yeah! I mean, Cameron’s good but he didn’t build all those spaceships!

ZS: No, the Na’vi were all CGI. It was special effects.

CO: No kidding? Wow, I thought they just used like body paint, like in Sports Illustrated. That does explain a lot though. I mean, you are a lot shorter in real life.

ZS: I’m still pretty tall.

CO: Oh yes! You are! We have a saying back home about girls your size, they say “She’s so tall, you don’t have to bend down to milk her.”

ZS: Wait, what?

CO: No, oh, no, that’s cows! That’s what we say about cows! I can’t remember what we say about tall women. Now, we have a lot of saying about fat women. There’s this one—

ZS: Who are you with again?

CO: The Robot vs. Dinosaur blog. I’m their head interviewer. I interviewed Megan Fox and Amy Adams.

ZS: Really?

CO: No, they were fake, but I did a lot of research on them and they seemed real to me.

(There is an awkward pause.)

CO: Sooooooo, Star Trek!

ZS: Oh, yes, I was in that one, too.

CO: Big year for you. Huge year. Really a giant year.

ZS: I guess so.

CO: All the nerds are in an uproar, they are saying you are a geek dream girl.

ZS: That’s so nice of them to say.

CO: You think? Actually, it was me that said it, then. So I want the credit.

ZS: Okay, that was very sweet of you.

CO: I also would say you are HIAC.

ZS: What’s that?

CO: It’s an acronym I made up. It means “Hot In Any Color.” And I also pronounce it like you pronounce Selma Hayek’s last name, because she is a HIAC, also.

ZS: You made that up?

CO: Oh yes, I’m very creative.

ZS: It would seem so . . .

CO: I won an award in third grade. It was just a certificate, but . . . I had it framed. Want to see it?

ZS: Um, no thank you.

(Awkward pause.)

CO: You know, you are possibly HIACer than even Selma Hayek.

ZS: What does that mean?

CO: Well, you are hot in black, your original color.

ZS: I'm Dominica—

CO: And you were hot as the blue chic in Avatar and you were really super smoking hot as the green chic in Star Trek!

ZS: Hold on. I didn’t play the—

CO: That was body paint, right? The green one? How do you get that job, putting on the body paint? Because I’m a legal secretary, but really I’d like to—

ZS: That wasn’t—

CO: I mean, do you apply for that job? Like, do you just give them some finger paints you did in third grade as a resume? You know, “Look, I can do red, or green, or blue or whatever color the aliens are in this freaking movie!”

(CO laughs heartily.)

CO: (To himself) Man, that was funny. (To Zoe) I’m really just kidding. About the resume—not about the fact that I want that job.

ZS: Look, I actually played Uhura in Star Trek.

(A bit of a pause)

CO: No shiz, really?! I thought you were the green chic! Wow, you just blew my mind! Totally blew my mind.

ZS: Well, it’s true.

CO: This whole time, wow, I am, those body paints can really mess with you, you know! Who was that green chic! Was that Kate Winslet? I know James Cameron likes to use her in his movies.

ZS: It wasn’t, James Cameron didn’t even direct Star Trek—

CO: And it was probably her because she was pretty curvy. I mean, I would recognize those curves, I’ve looked at a lot of Kate Winslet pictures on the internet. Maybe it was one of those plump girls from the Dove ads.

ZS: You’re kind of freaking me out here.

CO: It might have also been Alyssa Milano. Either way, that green chic was really hot, don’t you think?

ZS: She was okay. Umm . . .

CO: I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like black girls and white girls too, but that green chic—Ga Ga Goom!

ZS: You’re really starting to piss me—

CO: Did you get that! Did you? I said, “Ga Ga Goom!” because she was green! You know, the “g” sound for “green!”

ZS: I didn’t really get that one, no.

(She starts to look for an exit.)

CO: That was a pretty funny callback! I could have said “Zow-ie!” and it would have been a call back, too, but not as good of one. Maybe “Gow-ie!”

ZS: Sure, sure, whatever. Look, I think I better get going . . .

CO: What were we even talking about? Oh, yeah! Star Wars! So you played Uhura? Which one was she?

ZS: The communications officer.

CO: Umm, no, not remembering that one.

ZS: You know, Uhura? The lead female role.

CO: No, that was Winona Ryder, I think.

ZS: No, she was in it but she wasn’t the lead.

CO: She’s cute, though. She’s no HAIC, but still. And you were which one again?

ZS: I was on the bridge, in the red uniform. The lead.

CO: You were cute, right?

ZS: I hope so.

CO: Did you make out with Spock and have a touching scene in the elevator?

ZS: Sure, I guess.

CO: Whoa! You just blew my mind again! I thought that was Thandie Newton!

ZS: I get that a lot. We look a lot alike.

CO: So let me ask, was that you in Mission Impossible 3 or Thandie Newton?

ZS: Thandie.

CO: Oh, that’s good, that movie sucked. How about, Beloved? Was that you or Thandie?

ZS: Thandie.

CO: Because if it was you, you looked great in that one. Even in the pregnant parts, which is usually not the case, but because you were also crazy, I think that was kind of hot. You were a really hot, crazy pregnant girl in that.

ZS: That wasn’t me. That was Thandie.

CO: You sure? Because, I know that movie was awful and everything, and I’m thinking maybe you just don’t want people to know it was you. Plus Thandie Newton is telling everyone she played Neyteri in Avatar.

ZS: She is not!

CO: She is! She totally is!

ZS: Where did she say that?

CO: Well, if I do a fake interview with Thandie Newton she will totally say that! Here, I want you to put this on.

(Chris produces a can.)

ZS: What is that?

CO: It’s blue body paint. It should be non-toxic, although I got it cheap so it could have lead in it. (Taking off his shirt.) Can you just put some on my back and I’ll do yours.

ZS: I don’t—I don’t think—What’s going on here?

CO: I thought we could paint ourselves blue for the blog, you know, for art and stuff. A picture of you and me all painted blue like the girl in Star Trek.

ZS: That’s not going to happen.

CO: Okay then, how about green? (He pulls out another can.) Maybe green is the way to go. I probably look better in green anyway.

(CO starts to apply green paint to his back.)

CO: A little help?

ZS: Okay, this interview is over.

(Zoe stands up and starts to leave.)

CO: Please! Don't leave. The green paint is definitely non-toxic. I promise!

(She is gone.)

CO: Bummer. I should have interviewed Thandie Newton. She was great in Pirates of the Caribbean.